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Looking for connection - my heart hurts so badly... What is okay?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 725841" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok, ok, ok. Breathe. And welcome. Your son can easily advocate for himself. He can easily walk into a county mental health clinic. That's all he needs to do...make an appointment. Therapist will help him. YOU can't help him at all or advocate for him as he is a 19 year old man and you have no legal power over him anymore. Give up the ideas that you can advocate and that he can't. Won't maybe, but he can. So both thoughts are wrong. Drop the guilt!</p><p></p><p>First and foremost you did nothing to cause your son to be this way. Did you hold him down and shoot drugs into him? Do drugs in front of him? Steal? Have sex in pure view? Spend time in jail? No, you set a good example. DNA is huge with behavior. Does your ex show similar traits? In his DNA, which can not be changed, oldest is 50% his biolgocal father's DNA. We can hope to put a damper on a bad deck of DNA cards, but we cant wipe it out. I have three adopted angels and adopted a monster who we loved, but he was a sexual predator and as soon as we found out he hurt the youngest kids he was gone. The youngest ones needed protection from him, like the child your son sexually harmed does. Ours got residential treatment until he was 18, never came back, and I don't know much about him anymore. I don't want to. Sexually acting out even once, even in our children, is a scary deal breaker in our family. I am sure your son traumatized his sister and brother. I say no to ever letting him live with you again, or his siblings could turn into the same mess your oldest is. in my opinion you can't sacrifice your entire family for a child who does drugs, steals, is a sexual predator (even if you get a lawyer to drop the charges, he still did it) and your son has no remorse. Neither did ours. He was a scary kid. So is yours. Now...</p><p></p><p>Your other two are nice kids? Then you did not, by your parenting, cause oldest to go off the rails. He just did. I think you got good advice from Counselor. This young man has been offered much sanctuary, but he can not maintain normal decent behavior. Anywhere. With anyone. He just eont conform. And he doesnt want to explore therapy. I do not know if he has ASPD. He sounds like it right now. Did he always lack remorse? Some people have no remorse or empathy. Some seem to be born lacking empathy. They don't understand it. This makes them dangerous. They don't feel guilt or sadness when others hurt. They often hurt animals too or like fire or poop and per inappropriately when little. But not always.</p><p></p><p>I know you love your son, but you love your husband and other kids too. Don't put them through his scary stuff again. At least in jail your son can not take drugs. When he gets out, do not take him back. Do not bail him out. He is safer for now where he is. Once he gets out, he is crafty. He will find ways to get shelter, food, clothes, etc. even if he has to steal and lie. You can always wife him small items (never give a drug addict cash or anything valuable or these will go to buying drugs only). There are shelters, pantries, food cards, welfare, etc. He will be good at tapping into every resource. He takes good care of him, even if he has to steal and he steals even with a roof over his head so homelessness won't change that. He steals regardless.</p><p></p><p>To my way of thinking, you can not save him, but you can save the rest of the family, including yourself. That you can do. Or you can bring him back, he will continue on, and everyone will be destroyed because he will not change with no evidence he even cares about changing. And he could molest again. Good possibility in fact. Maybe not sister. Maybe a cousin of neighbor.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can stand strong. Love and hugs! This is very hard, but....to me there is no way to safely bring him home. Ever.</p><p></p><p>P.s.--psychotic episodes could be drugs, like meth.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 725841, member: 1550"] Ok, ok, ok. Breathe. And welcome. Your son can easily advocate for himself. He can easily walk into a county mental health clinic. That's all he needs to do...make an appointment. Therapist will help him. YOU can't help him at all or advocate for him as he is a 19 year old man and you have no legal power over him anymore. Give up the ideas that you can advocate and that he can't. Won't maybe, but he can. So both thoughts are wrong. Drop the guilt! First and foremost you did nothing to cause your son to be this way. Did you hold him down and shoot drugs into him? Do drugs in front of him? Steal? Have sex in pure view? Spend time in jail? No, you set a good example. DNA is huge with behavior. Does your ex show similar traits? In his DNA, which can not be changed, oldest is 50% his biolgocal father's DNA. We can hope to put a damper on a bad deck of DNA cards, but we cant wipe it out. I have three adopted angels and adopted a monster who we loved, but he was a sexual predator and as soon as we found out he hurt the youngest kids he was gone. The youngest ones needed protection from him, like the child your son sexually harmed does. Ours got residential treatment until he was 18, never came back, and I don't know much about him anymore. I don't want to. Sexually acting out even once, even in our children, is a scary deal breaker in our family. I am sure your son traumatized his sister and brother. I say no to ever letting him live with you again, or his siblings could turn into the same mess your oldest is. in my opinion you can't sacrifice your entire family for a child who does drugs, steals, is a sexual predator (even if you get a lawyer to drop the charges, he still did it) and your son has no remorse. Neither did ours. He was a scary kid. So is yours. Now... Your other two are nice kids? Then you did not, by your parenting, cause oldest to go off the rails. He just did. I think you got good advice from Counselor. This young man has been offered much sanctuary, but he can not maintain normal decent behavior. Anywhere. With anyone. He just eont conform. And he doesnt want to explore therapy. I do not know if he has ASPD. He sounds like it right now. Did he always lack remorse? Some people have no remorse or empathy. Some seem to be born lacking empathy. They don't understand it. This makes them dangerous. They don't feel guilt or sadness when others hurt. They often hurt animals too or like fire or poop and per inappropriately when little. But not always. I know you love your son, but you love your husband and other kids too. Don't put them through his scary stuff again. At least in jail your son can not take drugs. When he gets out, do not take him back. Do not bail him out. He is safer for now where he is. Once he gets out, he is crafty. He will find ways to get shelter, food, clothes, etc. even if he has to steal and lie. You can always wife him small items (never give a drug addict cash or anything valuable or these will go to buying drugs only). There are shelters, pantries, food cards, welfare, etc. He will be good at tapping into every resource. He takes good care of him, even if he has to steal and he steals even with a roof over his head so homelessness won't change that. He steals regardless. To my way of thinking, you can not save him, but you can save the rest of the family, including yourself. That you can do. Or you can bring him back, he will continue on, and everyone will be destroyed because he will not change with no evidence he even cares about changing. And he could molest again. Good possibility in fact. Maybe not sister. Maybe a cousin of neighbor. I hope you can stand strong. Love and hugs! This is very hard, but....to me there is no way to safely bring him home. Ever. P.s.--psychotic episodes could be drugs, like meth. [/QUOTE]
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