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Looking for connection - my heart hurts so badly... What is okay?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 725848" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>AKAnnie, welcome. I'm so sorry you continue to go thru heartache around your oldest son. Your story is not uncommon, you've come to the right place. As you can see, you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>Yes, we parents do an enormous amount of suffering when our adult troubled kids go off the rails, for whatever reason. It appears you've made excellent choices in detaching from your son's behaviors, choices and lifestyle, it is not easy. Our parent hearts are devastated by what we can't control, by the sheer powerlessness of it all, watching our hopes and dreams for our precious kids go up in smoke by their own choices, dealing with our own deep grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, resentments and fear.....it's almost too much to cope with.</p><p></p><p>I believe you've made the correct choice given the background you've explained. You must keep your other children and your family safe. However, even when we make the "right" choice around here, it often feels terrible. I'm sorry.</p><p></p><p>What many of us here have learned is that we are the ones who do the heavy lifting of change. We have to learn how to respond to very different parent/kid issues which is not easy when our natural tendency is to protect, nurture, love and keep our kids safe. To that end, I would strongly recommend family therapy so you can all learn to cope with the issues a troubled kid brings to a family. You might consider contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.....they have wonderful parent courses many of us here have taken. You can access them online. They may be able to offer you guidance, information, support, and resources for you and for your son. Many here find solace and comfort in 12 step groups such as Families Anonymous, Al Anon and Narc Anon. It may also be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. A good book many of us have read is Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie.</p><p></p><p>Feeling depressed and like a failure is often how we parents react to this tsunami of chaos, fear and uncertainty in our adult kids lives. However, you didn't create this, you can't fix it and you can't control it. The powerlessness/fear of that in regards to our children is pretty overwhelming......we usually need professional support to override that powerlessness/fear, and find ways to set our boundaries and detach enough from their behaviors and choices to find peacefulness and joy in our own lives. I understand at this stage how absurd that can sound when your child is struggling, however, our depression, our worry, our fear, our loss of sleep, our devastation does nothing to help the situation, it only serves to ruin our own lives. Getting help for ourselves offers us balance, insight, tools, support, guidance, information, a place to deal with our profound grief and the strength and courage to walk thru this maze of hurts and find our way. Once you begin to feel better, you can continue to make healthy choices, find meaning in those choices and learn to accept what you cannot change. </p><p></p><p>This is not an easy path. I know. Keep posting, sharing our story is healing and others will offer you support and compassion.....you will feel much less alone.....find as much support as you can......find ways to nurture and nourish yourself, put yourself and your other children as your priority....I'm glad you found us.....you are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 725848, member: 13542"] AKAnnie, welcome. I'm so sorry you continue to go thru heartache around your oldest son. Your story is not uncommon, you've come to the right place. As you can see, you are not alone. Yes, we parents do an enormous amount of suffering when our adult troubled kids go off the rails, for whatever reason. It appears you've made excellent choices in detaching from your son's behaviors, choices and lifestyle, it is not easy. Our parent hearts are devastated by what we can't control, by the sheer powerlessness of it all, watching our hopes and dreams for our precious kids go up in smoke by their own choices, dealing with our own deep grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, resentments and fear.....it's almost too much to cope with. I believe you've made the correct choice given the background you've explained. You must keep your other children and your family safe. However, even when we make the "right" choice around here, it often feels terrible. I'm sorry. What many of us here have learned is that we are the ones who do the heavy lifting of change. We have to learn how to respond to very different parent/kid issues which is not easy when our natural tendency is to protect, nurture, love and keep our kids safe. To that end, I would strongly recommend family therapy so you can all learn to cope with the issues a troubled kid brings to a family. You might consider contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.....they have wonderful parent courses many of us here have taken. You can access them online. They may be able to offer you guidance, information, support, and resources for you and for your son. Many here find solace and comfort in 12 step groups such as Families Anonymous, Al Anon and Narc Anon. It may also be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. A good book many of us have read is Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie. Feeling depressed and like a failure is often how we parents react to this tsunami of chaos, fear and uncertainty in our adult kids lives. However, you didn't create this, you can't fix it and you can't control it. The powerlessness/fear of that in regards to our children is pretty overwhelming......we usually need professional support to override that powerlessness/fear, and find ways to set our boundaries and detach enough from their behaviors and choices to find peacefulness and joy in our own lives. I understand at this stage how absurd that can sound when your child is struggling, however, our depression, our worry, our fear, our loss of sleep, our devastation does nothing to help the situation, it only serves to ruin our own lives. Getting help for ourselves offers us balance, insight, tools, support, guidance, information, a place to deal with our profound grief and the strength and courage to walk thru this maze of hurts and find our way. Once you begin to feel better, you can continue to make healthy choices, find meaning in those choices and learn to accept what you cannot change. This is not an easy path. I know. Keep posting, sharing our story is healing and others will offer you support and compassion.....you will feel much less alone.....find as much support as you can......find ways to nurture and nourish yourself, put yourself and your other children as your priority....I'm glad you found us.....you are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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