Looking for good change in the New Year

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    As I mentioned a few weeks ago, L has gotten engaged to a very nice man. He proposed to her while they were in New Zealand visiting his family. She and I had talked about it before, but I tend to be a "from your mouth to God's ear" type of person, and never EVER say anything is so until I know it is so. So, until I see a ring or he's said something to me, it's always talked of in "When that happens then this or that" type terms.

    She and I had discussed before she left that "when that happens I'm excited to help you pick out your wedding gown." She agreed. She talked of how much her father would contribute to the wedding a few weeks later, ($10k) and I told her that husband and I had discussed it and we would give her $1k for a wedding gown, and if there was any after that I would help her pick out flowers or a DJ or something. That was fine.

    So, I see on her FB page after she comes home that she has a ring. :mad: She doesn't tell me? She's not answering her phone. She knows we're leaving for Mexico the next week. I text her and she answers back, "Well, we were in NZ"... Like that means anything. Her entire FB friends page knows and I don't! I send her messages of congratulations, and how happy we are. Nothing.

    Then I keep trying to call, get very specific that I want to talk to her, and on the Friday before we leave I tell her, "Call me back, I'm here this afternoon, out tonight, and out tomorrow afternoon, then leaving the next morning." She knows I only answer my cell when I'm out, so that night when she knows I'm out she calls the house. She wasn't expecting husband to be home to answer the phone, thought she was going to get by on a voicemail. So, I wait until about noon to call her the next day, knowing we have to go out. I finally text her and say "You need to call me, we're out after 2 then leaving tomorrow AM." About 1/2 an hour later she texts back "Just coming back from the mountain, I'll call you after I drop my sister off."

    She calls back at 2:30. (Our thing was at 3, but I'm not telling her that.) She's all evasive about telling me about the proposal, about the ring, all two word phrases. Her fiance is in the car. I'm sure he has no idea that she has never bothered to talk to me about anything. Either that or he has an entirely different idea of how much I want to be involved in this. So, I'm getting uncomfortable. She's on her way back from having chosen her site with her sister and fiances. She's sent out "Save the Date" cards. I say, "OK, well I guess it's time for us to pick a time to choose your wedding dress." "I already picked out my wedding dress." What? "Well, my sister and I went and they told me that I had to order it that day if I wanted it in time." I told her I had to go. Not sure how she's paying for the dress. I was steaming for days. But I sent her a text - since that's how she likes to communicate - and told her that there seemed to be a misunderstanding. I'm excited to help her plan the happiest day of her life, I'm not writing her a check after she has it all planned out. I forwarded it to her dad. He and I talked and he tried to feed me a line that L may have misunderstood and I made it VERY clear to him that she did NOT misunderstand, she was just selfish. Then he had the great sense to tell me that after having talked to me the week before he had told her that she needed to include me in her wedding plans. I was ranting and raving and cursing up a storm. I told him that if she wanted me to be mother of the bride she had to treat me like the mother of the bride. If she wanted me to be a guest at her wedding then I could be a guest but I wouldn't be both. He actually said "I'm glad to hear that you're being so mature about it, because..." "Oh H--- no! If she wants me to be a guest she's going to be sorry, because guests don't give $1k for the wedding and they don't even have to come so she might as well send our invite to someone else!"

    She and her sister picked out her wedding dress 4 blocks from my house. There was no reason whatsoever that they could not have called me and asked me to come with them to be a part of her wedding planning. Now if she wants a $1,000 from me, she can't just blow it all on a dress - which I would not have objected to - she has to figure out how to spend $1,000 in a reasonable way and include me in the planning of it. There's not many single items than a dress that I am going to think is wor
    th blowing $1k on.

    To this day I haven't heard a word back from her. I texted her when we got back last week - "Let's have lunch next week. What day are you free?" "Maybe Thursday." I wrote her back with a time and place for Thursday. I'm going to do my best to keep her shut down from a fight, because she's just dying to make this about how I wrecked her wedding and I'm an awful mom. But she needs to know that this is her opportunity to act like an adult woman who cares for her mother enough to include her in her wedding (if she wants $$$) and that these are the things that bring mothers and daughters closer together. Or, since she chose a venue that only seats 48 she can save that seat at the table for someone else. I'm hoping that she chooses to be a good daughter for once in her freaking life.

    I know there's something wrong with this girl, but her total lack of empathy and utter selfishness is staggering.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh heavens Witz! Im stupified. 4 blocks from your house and she couldnt include you in the picking out of the dress? That is just wrong. Its not like she went to NY for a fitting. Thats a line of BS. I think you have the right idea on being a guest and giving her a nice gift of flatware.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just sending warm and caring hugs. I know it is not what you envisioned and I'm really sorry that it evidently won't be the warm and fuzzy occasion you were hoping for in your dreams. You are a wonderful person and her inability to share is not your fault. I "think" the best thing for you to do is detach and just go with her flow...no matter how disappointing her choices may be. Personally I would forget about the financial contribution unless she brings it up. Once again, I am sorry you are hurt. DDD
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, ladies. When she told me she had already bought the dress, I told her "You know, you have to save some "Mother/Daughter wedding stuff for me you know?" She said, "Um. Yeah." She's already done everything. I'm going to tell her that it is up to her whether she wants to include me or not, and I won't force myself upon her, but this is all going to be her choice.

    I know for a fact she has a new puppy this week, too, and hasn't said a word to me.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's a shame that L can't make this a special day for both of you.


  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Did you really expect a WEDDING to be the bridge?

    I cut my mom out of all of that stuff, too.
    Now, in my case - not necessarily yours - it was because MY ideas and HER ideas are ten planetary systems apart. There simply was no middle ground. Obviously, no strong relationship to begin with... and some "history" thrown in.

    JMO - but don't make TOO big a deal about the wedding stuff. There's more important stuff coming, and you want to at least leave the door open a crack for when grandkids arrive on the scene (they are WAY more important than the wedding).
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I hate the way it's been drummed into women's heads that IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM and no one else's feelings matter at all.

    The other day difficult child and E both said, separately, 'it's our wedding, we get to decide everything' ... I just left the room and thought to myself 'Oh really? On whose dime do you get to decide everything?' Jackasses.

    I feel for you.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Witz. I know you were hoping this would bring you two closer together. Hugs.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another reason I hate weddings.
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Witz, I do understand your hurt. It sucks that they treat us this way when we do not deserve it. (hugs)

    We paid for my difficult child#1 daughter's entire wedding. I was not invited to the dress thing either. She took her mother in law, her sister in law, her best friend, her husband's grandmother and her mother in law's best friend.

    Her mother in law wanted to buy her dress. That is fine but how does that exclued the mother of the bride from the event? I found out about it when she went for her first fitting. She also let her mother in law choose her color before me and mother in law chose the color I wanted (navy) and of which my daughter was aware. Then difficult child#1 nixed 7, yes seven of my choice of dresses two of which she said she liked and I ordered and I could not return as per bridal shop rules. I ended up buying my dress without her while visiting DE and telling her it was a done deal. It was a mere 6 weeks before the wedding and I had to get it done! She had a hissy fit! She disliked it without even seeing it.

    The day of the weddig she excluded me from the preparations which were at my easy child's house. At the last minute though she called to ask for my help because her friend who was doing everyon's hair and nails couldn't get the job done. When I got there easy child was in tears. Her hair looked lke a rat's nest all teased and not combed over properly and sprayed stiff. I fixed it but didn't have time to get it all up on top of her head so she had a partial updo with long curls going down the back. It was pretty but different than all the other bridesmaids. I also had to do my grand daughter's who was the flower girl.

    I too hate wedddings. I honestly tried to get her to just take the money and buy a house as I did her sister before her but both of them wanted the fairytale. easy child at least appreciated all that I did but difficult child? She didn't even send out thank you notes! I took alot of flack for that for years from my in-laws who then stopped inviting ME to family events.. UG!

    difficult child's and weddings are not a good mix. It feeds entitlement issues and their ME-ME-ME attitude turning them into selfish monsters. I am so glad all of that is in my past. Honestl,y your daughter might actually be doing you a favor. If it were me and I had the option I would just show up as a guest.

    Last edited: Jan 5, 2012
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh WItz, I am so sorry this has been taken from you. I wish upon her an equally selfish daughter that breaks her heart.

    It is just one more thing that our difficult children can steal from the parenting experience we always dreamed of. One more thing to accept in our lives.