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<blockquote data-quote="seashell" data-source="post: 622696" data-attributes="member: 17785"><p>Thank you for you response and the link. I know it sounds like I am blaming the mom. She is mostly the problem, but yes, he had two parents. But it is such a long and complicated story. Most families with one person with a personality disorder are chaotic. The non-disordered spouse contributes, of course, but in a way that is a "whirlwind" around "ill" one. He was always walking on eggshells to keep the peace and avoid her rages and rants and manipulations. Now that he has been away from the house for almost 3 years, he is much happier and much stronger. He has a hearing next week to try and get the 50/50 placement. He originally agreed to less than 50-50 because he thought it would be better for the kids at first when he moved out. You know, keep their primary home and routine but now he sees that it was detrimental and a mistake. Family court is like the wild west and he will never get full legal custody in this state. Just won't happen. Some judges in this state have even given joint custody to incarcerated parents, so while this woman has issues, she is not in jail. Family members have said she was always a cold mom and favored the daughter. She would say things like, "The baby needs to be changed" to my boyfriend and "the baby needs a bath." I don't think that is neglect as the son was cared for, but it is indicative of her patterns. This forum is not about ex-bashing or anything and I understand there are many contributing factors to kids' behavior sometimes. I just am struggling with HOW to help my boyfriend and his son. I can be good for them as I am stable and we have a loving relationship (unlike his marriage was) but I appreciate how challenging it might be. My boyfriend has come a very long way with respect to taking a front seat in parenting. He has read a lot, been in therapy himself (still is, going on 4 years!)takes the kids to therapy, initiated custody issues, filed a restraining order against her when she repeatedly, against his knowledge, took the kids to visit a male friend of hers who had been arrested for child pornography and told them to lie about it to him! So he is making a huge effort. You all seem so experienced with living with these types of issues. I have barely scratched the surface of this and am already scared out of my mind of the next 6 years being incredibly stressful and chaotic. I don't want to abandon my boyfriend but want to also be true to myself and my kids. Is there a common ground? And, to be fair, not every waking moment with his son is a disaster. He can be calm. I have seen him enjoy life. He does have some friends. He plays some sports. He will usually answer a question when asked. There are always small infractions of taunting or minor disagreements. He is never what I would call pleasant. He is either very flat or disagreeable. Some I attribute to age--12 year old boys aren't always perfectly social around adults and I get that. I feel all rambly here! Just worried. Worried for both this boy as he grows up and all the rest of us who "live" with him. </p><p></p><p>For what it is worth, I don't think he is on the spectrum. I think he has mild ODD, some learning issues, some ADHD, and a touch of something more severe that is in its infancy like NPD or Borderline (BPD). And, I will read the attachment link too! Thanks again for the reply and support.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seashell, post: 622696, member: 17785"] Thank you for you response and the link. I know it sounds like I am blaming the mom. She is mostly the problem, but yes, he had two parents. But it is such a long and complicated story. Most families with one person with a personality disorder are chaotic. The non-disordered spouse contributes, of course, but in a way that is a "whirlwind" around "ill" one. He was always walking on eggshells to keep the peace and avoid her rages and rants and manipulations. Now that he has been away from the house for almost 3 years, he is much happier and much stronger. He has a hearing next week to try and get the 50/50 placement. He originally agreed to less than 50-50 because he thought it would be better for the kids at first when he moved out. You know, keep their primary home and routine but now he sees that it was detrimental and a mistake. Family court is like the wild west and he will never get full legal custody in this state. Just won't happen. Some judges in this state have even given joint custody to incarcerated parents, so while this woman has issues, she is not in jail. Family members have said she was always a cold mom and favored the daughter. She would say things like, "The baby needs to be changed" to my boyfriend and "the baby needs a bath." I don't think that is neglect as the son was cared for, but it is indicative of her patterns. This forum is not about ex-bashing or anything and I understand there are many contributing factors to kids' behavior sometimes. I just am struggling with HOW to help my boyfriend and his son. I can be good for them as I am stable and we have a loving relationship (unlike his marriage was) but I appreciate how challenging it might be. My boyfriend has come a very long way with respect to taking a front seat in parenting. He has read a lot, been in therapy himself (still is, going on 4 years!)takes the kids to therapy, initiated custody issues, filed a restraining order against her when she repeatedly, against his knowledge, took the kids to visit a male friend of hers who had been arrested for child pornography and told them to lie about it to him! So he is making a huge effort. You all seem so experienced with living with these types of issues. I have barely scratched the surface of this and am already scared out of my mind of the next 6 years being incredibly stressful and chaotic. I don't want to abandon my boyfriend but want to also be true to myself and my kids. Is there a common ground? And, to be fair, not every waking moment with his son is a disaster. He can be calm. I have seen him enjoy life. He does have some friends. He plays some sports. He will usually answer a question when asked. There are always small infractions of taunting or minor disagreements. He is never what I would call pleasant. He is either very flat or disagreeable. Some I attribute to age--12 year old boys aren't always perfectly social around adults and I get that. I feel all rambly here! Just worried. Worried for both this boy as he grows up and all the rest of us who "live" with him. For what it is worth, I don't think he is on the spectrum. I think he has mild ODD, some learning issues, some ADHD, and a touch of something more severe that is in its infancy like NPD or Borderline (BPD). And, I will read the attachment link too! Thanks again for the reply and support. [/QUOTE]
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