Looks like a divorce is oncoming

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Jun 20, 2016.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So Tay got married last year and we threw the wedding. We are 9-10 months in and just found out that they apparently had a dustup right after the official wedding (not the snuck off one that happened a few months earlier). Police were called, the hubby was arrested and his military unit put him in single soldier barracks for 3 days. She had finally had enough and decided that she no longer wanted to live with him. Of course we heard about all of this 4 or 5 days after she moved out.

    Living with the friend worked for a few days then now she is back with us. She is going out anytime she might have to spend time with us and let us know whats really going on. We tried to talk to her about counseling but he is an angry drunk and she is tired of dealing with it. Atleast according to her, we aren't allowed to speak to him. Of course he has been off with military training so we actually can't talk to him.

    I of course am the evil one because I told her neither one of them is innocent. She smacked a very drunk man and he retaliated. I personally don't think either of them was ready for marriage and then they are unable to deal with working on it. They are now 20 and 22 years and both do not appear to be ready to deal with their issues as an adult.

    I wan't to sit them down and talk. I also want to make sure she has a plan. Getting an education would be a plus but for now I just want her to figure out where she is heading.

    Plus OMG I don't want her living here long term!
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    This does not sound like a healthy relationship.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He hit her. I don't care why. There is no way I'd try to talk to him or that I'd want her to stay with him. I stress to my girls that there is no excuse for hitting a spouse or allowing herself to be hit. Drinking is not an excuse, in fact to me it's a red flag for trouble. I'd want my kid away from him. She is not capable of hurting him the way he is capable of hurting her.

    In a more old fashion way, nobody hurts my babies or you are now garbage to me. It is cowardly to hit a woman. He could have just called 911.

    Why does he keep getting drunk? He's trouble in my opinion. Nobody needs an angry drunk who drinks.

    I would not get involved. None of your business. You can talk to your daughter about conditions for living with you with a timeline for her to leave.

    Last edited: Jun 21, 2016
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree with SWOT, with one exception. I wasn't there and apparently she slapped him. So if he merely reacted and slapped back without thinking, as opposed to beating or giving it a moment's thought first, I would agree neither are blameless. Granted, I've never been hit by a man - my ex for all his faults never hit me, even when I threw an iron at his head. (Long story)

    But that isn't the important part. The important part is, this is a violent marriage...between the angry drunk and her slapping him and him doing whatever he did...it's bad. Away is where she needs to be.

    Now IF the incident was only what I described above and IF he's willing to QUIT drinking entirely and IF they will both go to counseling...maybe then they could work on their marriage. But they are so young and these problems are happening so quickly...it might be best to just call it quits. Be glad she is self-assured enough to not stay in a violent marriage, so many women do.
  5. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Do you all know the expression do not poke the bear well this is like this he was drunk and violent. You chose to hit a drunk and violent man you knew he was that and you hit him.
    Well its clear what will happen like with the bear he might be in the wrong for attacking a weaker being but you still got mauled and he is still a bear. So their both at fault.
    Violence just brings more violence.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    To me the biggest issue is that he is a violent drunk who is fine with drinking.

    It will happen again even she doesn't touch him.

    She needs to get out. I rarely intervene, but if my 20 year old daughter left a man who is a violent drunk, I'd support her. I have two boys, none who would ever be in that situation, but both of them could hurt a woman more than she could hurt them unless weapons were involved. If this husband hurt so bad, rather than hitting her back he should have called the police.

    I'm glad he went to jail. Have no tolerance for this kind of behavior.
  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I do not think he went to jail.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Read the first paragraph.

    You can't assault people here.

    If you poke a bear and the bear hurts you, the bear will be euthanized. Same with other animals. If there is a dog owner and some little kid wanders into your yard and teases the dog and the dog bites the kid, guess who has to pay? If you guessed the dogs owner, you are right. The dog owner was me and the kid climbed a fence to get in our yard. The dog was on a leash. Too bad for me.
  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    | read there is nothing where it says he is in jail. Single Barracks for 3 days it does not mean you are in jail. Yeah but as I said you still got mauled because of your action so you still are guilty for doing stupid things.
    Also it does not give you the right to hit someone either way in no circumstance. About the dog yeah it sucks but hey what do you think happens if the dog attacked first and the human killed him the answer nothing. Mostly because in my country animal rights are not a important thing but hey who says life is fair for everyone.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A dad, that is fair. Every country has its own values...I am glad most people here value pets. My dog didn't maul anyone and nothing happened to the dog.

    If somebody (person on person) is assaulted here and charges are filed, jail happens. Drunk is no excuse.

    I agree that being with dangerous people is a very poor choice and will lead to one being harmed. But a rapist, for example, is still a rapist (at least in the U S.) even if the woman wore sexy clothing. If somebody provokes another, it is still illegal to strike a blow.

    So since the poster and I both live here, my advice is based on our culture. Thanks for your thoughts.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Which is probably why he got 3 days on barracks restriction instead of charges; she hit first. Not many drunks will have the presence of mind to call the police because their wife slapped them.

    None of which is all that important at the moment. I agree with dstc...neither one is innocent in this instance. But that doesn't mean they should kiss and make up. He clearly has a problem if he's a mean drunk and keeps getting drunk...and she shouldn't put up with it.

    dstc, I hope she gets herself together. She probably would benefit from therapy even if he won't go. I went by myself after my first marriage broke up. I made a marriage counseling appointment when he said he wanted to come home. The next day he changed his mind (and actually tricked me into driving him to his girlfriends house!) so I went by myself and simply told the counselor - "This is no longer marriage counseling...I'm your only patient." It was very helpful.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, both are at fault. No doubt. However, unless a woman swings a chair at a man, usually the man is stronger than the woman and I find it cowardly to beat up something weaker than yourself...

    Being the mother of two daughters, it makes me angry at both, however I'd do all I could do keep my daughter away from a violent drunk. I wouldn't want my daughter's going back to that. He's not going to stop drinking just like that and I personally don't want my daughter's near men who think it's ok to hit them. Women shouldn't hit men either, but a man is usually much stronger. This military guy is strong. Training is not for the weak.

    I would want my daughter away from this loser before a baby is made.

  13. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I agree. I think what you put in is what you get out. A 22yr old guy who has a bunch of military buddies who drink excessively + a 20 year old girl who has control issues and anger issues = unhealthy. She has used all kinds of manipulation to keep men before (choking, pregnancy scares) but I think she met her match with this one. This one has some specialized training and therefore doesn't manipulate well but apparently doesn't handle his liquor well either.

    While I would normally agree with this. I promised his parents I would take care of him as my own. We live on the other side of the country from them. He has no support here other than his military unit. Honestly I don't think he is a horrible person. He is a person who needs some help. His unit won't get it for him because it's not the "Strong" thing to do. It makes the unit look weak if their Soldier is broken. Stupid but that is truly the reason so many Soldiers are so far gone they commit suicide. Weakness in any form is not acceptable. He needs someone outside his unit to step up and make sure he gets some help. I am asking my husband to do that since he is military as well and understands that "culture" crap that non military personnel don't.

    I am not encouraging her to go back with him however I have suggested that she and he possibly seek counseling. Even if this marriage is doomed I personally think it is best to learn from our mistakes, apologize, forgive, and move on. In a safe way of course.

    From what I can tell his group of military friends is very similar. There was an issue with one of the groomsmen at the wedding and Tay says that every party they attend ends the same way. Everyone is smashed and at least one couple winds up in a major fight. They apparently are all young and seem to be feeding off the stupidity.

    This is part of why I am the evil mom. I didn't just say "oh he is a monster" and "you did nothing wrong." He lived with us for almost 6 months. I know he isn't a monster when he is sober. On the other hand I also know she is manipulative and that can cause extreme stress to the people around her. None of which I ever suggest was an excuse. It isn't!

    I suggested counseling but she says she's fine but he needs it. I told her anyone leaving an abusive relationship should seek counseling for their own emotional support. Personally I think he needs AA and to get himself sober and she needs to get her anger/manipulation issues under control. I don't care if they do that together or apart.
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    He did but just for the night.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I understand better now.

    It's really sad that the military doesn't encourage the guys to get help. They are so young to be thrown into such a stressful and life changing situation. No help? Sad.

    I am so glad my husband, who joined at 17 and got his GED and other training in the Air Force was never sent to combat. He would be a different person if he had.

    I think therapy would help both.

    Good luck.
  16. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    The sad part is there is help! TONS OF HELP! For any Soldier who wants or needs it. There are so many foundations/organizations/specialized entities on our military base that would provide free support. (Heck I work for head of the the Army Substance Abuse Program).

    The problem is that the really "HOOAH" units deny/ignore/cover up the issues most of the time. The reason is because a Soldier with any drug/alcohol/violence issues will get booted out of the unit. The Soldier loses that status and they lose that "brotherhood." Think of movies like the Lone Survivor. They are a family in their own dysfunctional way. They are 100% reliant on one another. If one is weak the others must either cut them out in order to maintain their superior status or cover for them to maintain the strengths. Only when they are in battle does the leave no man behind thing apply. In the training phases and the actual non war phases they will cut a person for any reason they deem necessary. They only keep the best. They break the rest!

    Heck they could get help even if he weren't a Soldier through my work as a civil service employee.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I hope he gets it. I really do. Crossing fingers, toes, eyes.