Looks like another ruined Christmas

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by muttmeister, Dec 23, 2007.

  1. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    This will probably be long and I apologize ahead of time if I start to ramble; you are my family and I don't have anybody else to unload this stuff on.

    difficult child#2's wife's birthday is today. I'm not sure if she is 19 or 20 but in either case she and difficult child are too young to have two kids. However, they do have them and I think they should be their top priority. HOWEVER: wifie wanted to go last night to celebrate with her friends where they used to live. difficult child did not want to go. His story is that she told him he could take her but she didn't want him to stay. :nonono: Needless to say, he didn't go for that. So she left the house and didn't return all night. Apparently she was with another man. At least that is the story I am getting. Her brother lives with them and he is taking difficult child's side instead of that of his sister.
    In any case, this has been coming on for awhile. They didn't get along; they are too young for such responsibilities; I think they are both bipolar, to say nothing of the fact that they act like idiots. Example: the lady who cuts her hair is pregnant and she had to cancel daughter-in-law's appointment for a hair cut and reschedule for the next day. daughter in law threw stuff across the room and had a real tantrum. Of course, difficult child does the same sort of stuff so it's not just her.
    difficult child and her brother went to pick her up this afternoon but she ended up not coming with them. So we have difficult child feeling bad and saying she has ruined his life and that he might as will beat the he!! out of her and go to jail because what difference does it make. Brother is not the sharpest tack in the box and is totally befuddled. Kids (ages 3 and 18 months) have not really missed her yet but they will.
    I expect that what will happen is that she will try to come back and difficult child will have none of it. She will probably want the 3 year old (a girl); difficult child does not want her to have her. I'm not sure either of them really want the 18 month old. I am totally torn: My grandmotherly instincts say I should take him but I am 60 years old and have never been too fond of babies anyway and I'm not sure I have the temprament or the stamina to raise another kid who is the product of two bipolar parents. But her folks live in a camper because they don't work and have always lived that kind of existence so there is no chance that they could raise a baby.
    Ain't that a kick in the head. :smile:
    Merry Christmas. :bah-humbug:
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am so sorry.

    I don't even know where to begin with advice. You can only do what you can do. Ah, this stinks.

    Sending all kinds of prayers and hugs your way.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sorry mutt, it stinks for you, and your grand kids.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    What a mess! I really hate that kids have babies so young. It is hard enough to raise a child as an adult, but when you haven't grown up, it is almost impossible. I hope they come up with some answers.

    Mutt, do what is right for you. There really is only so much any of us can do and raising a toddler may truly be too much at this stage of your life.

    The best I can offer is (((((MUTTMEISTER)))))
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Well this just stinks. Hopefully they will get over their head in rectum episode and get back about the business of taking care of the kids they brought into this world.

    I can sure understand your reluctance on getting involved with taking in a grandchild but what else is there really to do. I know I couldnt live with myself if I did anything else. We truly believe it may come to that with Keyana one day and if not her, at least one of Corys kids eventually. At this point I wish they would just leave Keyana here instead of having her bounce back and forth.

    It would be hard for you but it is doable. Plus maybe your son would get his act together shortly and be able to take him back.
  6. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member


    I can't imagine how torn you are. I know you never expected to be raising a toddler this late in life but you know, you are stronger then you know and will do what you have to do. My mother is your age and I could completely her taking care of my toddler if she had to. She is active and has more spunk then she thinks she does. I don't know what I would do in your shoes, I just hope I would be able to save a child from a life of sadness when I knew I could give them love and a real home. Don't let this ruin your Christmas. Maybe have difficult child and his kids over for a few days to celebrate with you. Enjoy the children and they zest for life. Then, think about it... don't let it eat you up. I know... easier said then done.
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Sorry Mutt - what a rock and a hard place to be in.

    I realized when eldest difficult child was living here, with littlest one in the throws of beginning gfgdom, and his brother that I am way too old to be dealing with little ones for more than a few hours at a time.

    I have no stamina left, and no patience. I finally have some sembalance of a life back now that the boys are grown, and I LIKE being able to just say lets go to dinner, and not have to spend an hour grabbing baby wipes, diapers, toys, bottles, strollers, car seats...

    Having said that, I would probably do what I needed to do to keep the gkids if push really came to shove. Will keep my fingers crossed that things get smoothed over..

  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I surely won't tell you what you should do but I will point out
    some hard learned lessons. You will not be able to help on a temporary basis. A week, a month will end up years. It also will end up years of yo yo participation by the bioparents. If you and the grandchildren preplan a day at the park.."Mommy" or
    "Daddy" will show up and say "come on kids we are going to the
    mud races". The children WILL be so excited to see Mommy and/or
    Daddy that they will light up like lightbulbs and turn to you
    grinning as they say "Mama (with wonderment) we're going to get
    to go with Mommy and/or Daddy today. Is that OK?"

    Then your day is ruined no matter what you do so you say "OK, go
    and have a good time. Dinner will be ready at 6." OR "I'm sorry but we already have plans and perhaps you can go next time
    if Mommy/or/Daddy calls us first." OR "Wow, let's all get dressed for the muds and we can ALL enjoy the day together." by the way.
    they will NOT be brought home for dinner at 6. They may not be brought home until 6 the next day..perhaps you'll get a call.

    Point. From almost 20 years experience, there is NO way to get the bioparents out of your life and theirs. Bioparents like these do what difficult children do. THEY decide what, when and where they
    might enjoy spending time with THEIR kids. Even if they do not
    give one cent to support the children, even if they literally
    "forget" their birthdays, even if they have no interest in their
    health or education.......THEY are THE parents.

    One last dour point that is especially true with the young age
    of the parents.......they WILL produce more children and they
    WILL make sure that the older children are psyched into the idea
    of "their new baby" "their baby brother" "their baby sister".
    Then.....you will, again, be fighting a losing battle to keep the
    children focused on a healthy future. They will be dragged into
    the chaotic world of impulsive living.

    Would I call HRS to take "our" boys if I had it to do all over??
    Truthfully, I wouldn't. easy child/difficult child got to stay with us from the day
    he came home from the hospital. He's always been ours and we share him with his Mommy. BUT when GFGmom got pregnant with difficult child
    we stuck to the preplanned/agreed upon consequences. She had to
    find a place to live and raise him alone. easy child/difficult child could go spend
    the night on the weekends. Somehow we had never preplanned how
    we would keep our life going forward with-o her taking it backward.

    We tried to monitor difficult child. We had them for dinner etc. to make sure he was connected and we knew "some" of his life. That was
    a mistake because he was "sworn to secrecy" and we didn't know of
    his neglect and emotional abuse by a sorry new boyfriend.

    I know this is very long and I am should not even suggest what you should do for your family. I can tell you, however, the two grandchildren need to stay together and I believe they should be
    in a safe home with parents who are foster/adopt parents. That
    brings one major transition but eliminates the fighting and the manipulating of the bioparents to the detriment of the children.
    In most cases grandparents get to continue to have contact with
    the children. Mainly...the children are secure, nurtured and safe. Parents do have the opportunity to earn their kids back.

    My teen grandsons say "Mama should 'we' take our little sister
    into our house so she has a better life?" The answer is "no, your Grandad and I are too old and too broke to start over with a
    hyper toddler." Then I encourage them to study hard and plan a future so they will be able to invite their sister to come live
    in their home if she needs to in five or ten years.

    It's ugly. I will include you in my prayers. Whatever you do,
    just make sure you analyze all the angles. It is complicated and
    your life (and their lives) will be altered forever by the choice
    you make. DDD
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nan, I am so sorry.

  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    first thing I am going to say is that YOU are entitled to live your life as you please. If this means not taking in and raising up grandchildren that are likely to have a mental illness no one should stand in judgement of lyour decision.

    While it is very very hard to turn away from a baby you need to ask yourself the very hard questions of "is this what I really want? Will I resent this child for the things I will have to give up to raise it? Will I be able to provide for this child should I become ill or infirm? What kind of a life with I and this child have? Would this child be better served if I let someone else care for him?"

    My advice is to take this issue under council with both a lawyer and a therapist. Take your time it is important and should not be something done in haste. Talk to other grandparents who are raisning their grandchildren. And do not let anyone make you feel guilty no matter how you choose. -RM
  12. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    How heartbreaking.

    You have a right to move on with your life though. in my humble opinion,you've done your job and this next phase in life does not include your second family beginning at age 60.

    Sending some cyber strength to your crazy but understandable situation.
  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Mutt, I'm so sorry for the dilemma you find yourself in. Whatever you decide to do, or not do, you have my thoughts, prayers, and cyber support.