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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 58870" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Totoro, you reminded me.</p><p></p><p>We have an ad on our TV at the moment, for a cold remedy. It's a nasal inhaler, you "take it at the first sign of a cold" to "stop them in their tracks before they can take hold".</p><p></p><p>And the ad itself - a woman shopping with her young boy (he looks about 4). She's muffled up, has just taken a puff of this stuff (clearly, feeling a cold coming on) and glancing over her shoulder, sees the boy holding up a big packet of crisps. She doesn't even get to shake her head - the kid THROWS the bag on the ground and begins to give that fake wail we all hate. But almost immediately, the mother throws her handbag onto the ground, throws herself down too (in the middle of the supermarket aisle) and throws the biggest tantrum you have ever seen, no holds barred. Then she stops completely, picks herself up, looks at her son and jerks her head in a "Come on, I'm leaving now" gesture. The kid, totally taken by surprise and tantrum forgotten (because his mother just threw a bigger one) puts the crisps back and trots off after his mother.</p><p></p><p>And back to the message - "stop them in their tracks, before it takes hold."</p><p></p><p>I've not thrown a tantrum at my kids, but I've done most other things that come close, to show them what it looks like. They also know that if they push me, I WILL embarrass them in public. difficult child 1's teen male friends tried to publicly embarrass me some years ago, by telling me an extremely dirty joke, but I upped the ante and so horrified them that they've never tried to embarrass me again.</p><p></p><p>One last word about wanting tidy rooms - it's one thing I don't try to fix, in kids who can't seem to handle it. With PCs - fair enough, go tidy your room. But I've even had friends come round to help me tidy difficult child 1's room and he was in a panic over it, because things weren't exactly as he'd left it and he couldn't find anything. With his short-term memory problems, he relies on being able to visualise the whole room, and can somehow mentally picture it layer by layer so he can find exactly what he's looking for. If I stir it up or remove things, he gets completely confused and subsequently, very stressed.</p><p></p><p>So, when trying to get difficult children to tidy rooms, what worked for us was "collect ten things and put them away." Or with difficult child 3 at the moment, who's growing so fast that he's outgrowing clothes within months, I HAVE to get his old, too-small clothes out of there and into the op-shop bag. But there is so much, a lot of it buried under books and magazines, that to think of attacking it all is too overwhelming. So I tell him, "Remove ten items of clothing from your room. I want ten things that are now too small for you, so we can wash them and give them to your young friend."</p><p>As long as difficult child 3 knows that what we give away will still be in the neighbourhood, he can cope But to permanently part with something is hard for him, makes him very anxious. Of course, his young friend can eventually give the item away and it won't matter by then. It's the initial removal that's the hardest. Hence - rubbish is also a problem, unless we store it somewhere else first. Sticks and stones that he collects - he can put them in a special place in the garden, but not in th house. The only exception are geology specimens, which go on a special shelf.</p><p></p><p>Once a kid has done ten things, they can often see a huge difference. Then, next time they complain of being bored, send them back to do another ten things.</p><p></p><p>The other thing you HAVE to do, is make sure that clean washing is put away immediately it's given to them, or it will end up on the floor being stirred in with all the stuff they've worn for two weeks at a time and left to ferment. I've found that hanging shirts & t-shirts on hangers to dry, makes this job easier - all a kid has to do is put the hangers in the closet. And I don't even have to iron! I have special clothes pegs with a hole in the head, so I can thread a hanger through the peg head and peg the hanger to the line. It's also faster if I have to clear the line as it starts to rain. Even a strong wind won't blow stuff off the line.</p><p></p><p>Putting their clean clothes away is not a kid's chore, it's a kid's responsibility. It's not a punishment, it's just what you do - what everybody does, like eating & sleeping. Leaving a pile of clean clothes is the fastest way to turn them into dirty clothes, without ever having the fun of wearing them.</p><p></p><p>A repeat offender gets to do their own washing, including hanging it out and folding it when dry. failing to hang it properly will mean creases, so then they also get a lesson in how to iron. Failure to comply means going out with dirty, rumpled, smelly clothes. Because there's no way I will do the washing for a kid who won't do his end of the job. And I'm a meanie - this starts at about the same time as toilet-training, because often I'll get the kid to wash their own soiled underwear - not as a punishment, but as a task to be done. They can ask me to help and I'll work alongside them, but they need to see that 'accidents' mean a clean-up job, regardless of fault or otherwise.</p><p></p><p>I've found the worst offenders for not putting clean clothes away, or for having loads of clothes on the floor, are the teens. difficult child 3 still hasn't reached that worst stage yet *shudder* although his room is bad at the moment. I've told him that when I can see floor all round his bed, I'll buy him a computer game. Because I know, with him, that once his room is tidy it will be much easier to KEEP it tidy, as he is now extending his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) to organising his own stuff (at last).</p><p></p><p>It's just getting him there, that's hard. But nagging will make no difference to him tidying, all it will do is create bad feeling and a huge tantrum, with no work done.</p><p></p><p>I expect that in the next couple of years, easy child 2/difficult child 2 & difficult child 1 will both leave home. Then with only one messy kid, tracking the messy room should be easier.</p><p></p><p>As long as they don't come back home, with our grandchildren!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 58870, member: 1991"] Totoro, you reminded me. We have an ad on our TV at the moment, for a cold remedy. It's a nasal inhaler, you "take it at the first sign of a cold" to "stop them in their tracks before they can take hold". And the ad itself - a woman shopping with her young boy (he looks about 4). She's muffled up, has just taken a puff of this stuff (clearly, feeling a cold coming on) and glancing over her shoulder, sees the boy holding up a big packet of crisps. She doesn't even get to shake her head - the kid THROWS the bag on the ground and begins to give that fake wail we all hate. But almost immediately, the mother throws her handbag onto the ground, throws herself down too (in the middle of the supermarket aisle) and throws the biggest tantrum you have ever seen, no holds barred. Then she stops completely, picks herself up, looks at her son and jerks her head in a "Come on, I'm leaving now" gesture. The kid, totally taken by surprise and tantrum forgotten (because his mother just threw a bigger one) puts the crisps back and trots off after his mother. And back to the message - "stop them in their tracks, before it takes hold." I've not thrown a tantrum at my kids, but I've done most other things that come close, to show them what it looks like. They also know that if they push me, I WILL embarrass them in public. difficult child 1's teen male friends tried to publicly embarrass me some years ago, by telling me an extremely dirty joke, but I upped the ante and so horrified them that they've never tried to embarrass me again. One last word about wanting tidy rooms - it's one thing I don't try to fix, in kids who can't seem to handle it. With PCs - fair enough, go tidy your room. But I've even had friends come round to help me tidy difficult child 1's room and he was in a panic over it, because things weren't exactly as he'd left it and he couldn't find anything. With his short-term memory problems, he relies on being able to visualise the whole room, and can somehow mentally picture it layer by layer so he can find exactly what he's looking for. If I stir it up or remove things, he gets completely confused and subsequently, very stressed. So, when trying to get difficult children to tidy rooms, what worked for us was "collect ten things and put them away." Or with difficult child 3 at the moment, who's growing so fast that he's outgrowing clothes within months, I HAVE to get his old, too-small clothes out of there and into the op-shop bag. But there is so much, a lot of it buried under books and magazines, that to think of attacking it all is too overwhelming. So I tell him, "Remove ten items of clothing from your room. I want ten things that are now too small for you, so we can wash them and give them to your young friend." As long as difficult child 3 knows that what we give away will still be in the neighbourhood, he can cope But to permanently part with something is hard for him, makes him very anxious. Of course, his young friend can eventually give the item away and it won't matter by then. It's the initial removal that's the hardest. Hence - rubbish is also a problem, unless we store it somewhere else first. Sticks and stones that he collects - he can put them in a special place in the garden, but not in th house. The only exception are geology specimens, which go on a special shelf. Once a kid has done ten things, they can often see a huge difference. Then, next time they complain of being bored, send them back to do another ten things. The other thing you HAVE to do, is make sure that clean washing is put away immediately it's given to them, or it will end up on the floor being stirred in with all the stuff they've worn for two weeks at a time and left to ferment. I've found that hanging shirts & t-shirts on hangers to dry, makes this job easier - all a kid has to do is put the hangers in the closet. And I don't even have to iron! I have special clothes pegs with a hole in the head, so I can thread a hanger through the peg head and peg the hanger to the line. It's also faster if I have to clear the line as it starts to rain. Even a strong wind won't blow stuff off the line. Putting their clean clothes away is not a kid's chore, it's a kid's responsibility. It's not a punishment, it's just what you do - what everybody does, like eating & sleeping. Leaving a pile of clean clothes is the fastest way to turn them into dirty clothes, without ever having the fun of wearing them. A repeat offender gets to do their own washing, including hanging it out and folding it when dry. failing to hang it properly will mean creases, so then they also get a lesson in how to iron. Failure to comply means going out with dirty, rumpled, smelly clothes. Because there's no way I will do the washing for a kid who won't do his end of the job. And I'm a meanie - this starts at about the same time as toilet-training, because often I'll get the kid to wash their own soiled underwear - not as a punishment, but as a task to be done. They can ask me to help and I'll work alongside them, but they need to see that 'accidents' mean a clean-up job, regardless of fault or otherwise. I've found the worst offenders for not putting clean clothes away, or for having loads of clothes on the floor, are the teens. difficult child 3 still hasn't reached that worst stage yet *shudder* although his room is bad at the moment. I've told him that when I can see floor all round his bed, I'll buy him a computer game. Because I know, with him, that once his room is tidy it will be much easier to KEEP it tidy, as he is now extending his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) to organising his own stuff (at last). It's just getting him there, that's hard. But nagging will make no difference to him tidying, all it will do is create bad feeling and a huge tantrum, with no work done. I expect that in the next couple of years, easy child 2/difficult child 2 & difficult child 1 will both leave home. Then with only one messy kid, tracking the messy room should be easier. As long as they don't come back home, with our grandchildren! Marg [/QUOTE]
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