Lord, please send me strength (and you guys too!)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jul 1, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    difficult child is moving to New Hampshire with Monkeyboy to go live at his loser friend's house. They all feel that if they were away from their 'crowd' of friends here that they would be more inclined to find jobs. Their friend told them that they are more than welcome to stay with him as long as they chip in for food, utilities and rent.

    At first, difficult child told me MB was moving. Then she threw a hissy fit up at easy child apt last night because we wouldn't drive the 2 1/2 hours to pick her up and bring her back for a going away party her friend's were throwing her and MB. Of course, while she was hissying all over the place, the party was just for MB. But in her anger she finally grew the cohones to tell us that she was moving also.

    H and I realize a couple of things in this: A) we're so detached that we are willing to kick in for bus fare for her to actually make good on her threat, B) this move will likely never come to pass, and C) if it does, she will be back in no time, just like always.

    In her email informing me of her plans, she also described her undying love for MB...gag me! Again, "I know you will think this is a bad idea, but I actually think it might be okay and if it's not I can come home"....

    I told her all the usual jazz, without bringing MB into it much at all. I also told her that our home did not have a "vacancy" sign out front nor is it a flophouse where she can land when there is nowhere else for her to go. Also, that while we will support her when she makes an effort to help herself become a respectable self sufficient young adult, we cannot condone this move with MB. Blah blah blah, right? I copied exh so I didn't have to repeat it all and he could see her bogus email straight up.

    Anyways, exh gets p!$$ed at me! He says he doesnt' have the answer but that I'm wrong for letting her go....letting??? her go??? WTH. He then goes on to tell me that I had better let her know she can come home and to not ruin the lines of communication and that we need to learn how to speak with one another without yelling and that all she wants is for me to listen.

    Well, I kind of sort of lost it and sent him a scathing email. While he's been on a life long vacation from parenting, I've been the one handling things...and if I do say so myself, I've done an excellent, far superior job that many parents I know. Ahem. I do not want to be in a fight and told him so. I took out the part about his being on vacation from parenting, but I DID give him a brief snapshot of what our lives have been like living with difficult child, up and including her hitting me two weeks ago and throwing a huge bottle of juice at me, missing and almost killing easy child's pup. I also included how the stress and trauma affected easy child and my health - everything. I didn't mince words, but I was not yelling or defending myself. I was just telling it like it is. I'm done. She's got to do what she's got to do. I reminded him of all the ways in which we've tried to help difficult child, all that we've offered and the many times we've pointed her in the right direction. She doesn't want that, she is the one who doesn't listen. I told him that if he can find the magic whatever it is to make her snap to attention and get her life on track, then more power to him. Congratulations, exh, it's a girl and she's 5'3" weighing in at 105 lbs. Where shall we put the crib?

    On an up note:

    easy child is graduating on Thursday with her associates. I am so proud of her and happy for her and I know she's worked really hard for this. I am going to that graduation, where exh and difficult child will also be, and I'm planting a smile on my face and I'm going to stand up tall and know that I had a hand in helping easy child become the wonderful woman she has grown into. I will not allow difficult child to ruin yet another family occasion. If she wants to wallow in self pity, she can do it in the car.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I don't really understand your husband. It would seem to me that he would relish some alone time with his wife, mate, love and all without the drama of difficult child and MB.

    Does ANYONE think what she's saying is coming true? Nope - So since your husband is barking about open lines of communication (which MUST WORK BOTH WAYS and not just a parent blabbering all the time to an empty head and closed ears) I would tell him
    1.) I've had a change of heart - SHE MUST STAY -
    2.) I'm going on vacation the minute she knows YOU her Step Dad says SHE MUST STAY
    3.) YOU CAN deal (husband) with fallout kid. I'll be on vacation.


    I would tell him -
    1.) I think this is a good experience for difficult child - you buy the ticket(s).
    2.) If it falls through - YOU buy the return tickets
    3.) If MB decides it's not working for him either - then YOU pay for their return tickets. Their being difficult child & MB


    I would tell him -
    1.) YOU want open lines of communication and no yelling?
    2.) YOU and ME will HAVE to go to counseling NOW.
    3.) THIS BENEFITS our daughter - like you said we can't put her out - she can't move - SO WE MUST find a way to keep her here where she will be miserable. Still.


    You say nothing as usual
    You get an ulcer as usual
    You tell difficult child to do what she wants with whatever money she's saved up for her and MB - (I would believe her telling you that one ticket costs 500 - and really it would be for 2, $250 tickets so you are paying for MB to get out of town)

    You tell MB -YOU go ahead and find a place/job/money etc. and when you are settled WE will pay for difficult child to come there and live with you. (yeah)

    Sigh -
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey thanks Star. I must clarify.

    H is on the same page with me. Neither of us want her to come home and while we're not thrilled with her choice of alternative living situations, it is what it is.

    It is my EXh (difficult child's bio dad) that is being a jerk....lol. What a surprise, eh?
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well - MB let me know it was the old ball and chain X. (thanks for that friend )

    Okay OKAY now this makes sense -


    Two words - to him -

    and I'd go with option


  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Or suggest that difficult child and MB move in with him.

  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    We all know how this will turn out. Same old story, same old song and dance...but, I'd be happy for the break from the drama of her life.

    Enjoy easy child's graduation. You deserve to relish in ya'll's accomplishments!
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hear NH is nice this time of year. Let them go. She wont be the first kid to move away with a monkey. Who knows, maybe she will tame the ape and he will turn into something else.
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    My easy child will be 18 tomorrow. She has no motivation to get a job. I asked her what she is going to do when she has to pay rent. Her answer? "Get a job!" :rofl: :rofl: So I told her go get that job.

    She works two days a week babysitting and needs to enroll in a school (community college) so that she can remain on our insurance.

    I am so waiting (yet dreading) the day she moves out.

    She is also a planner of unfullfilled dreams. This sounds like something she would do. When her high school classes ended, so did her gas money (I have to get her to school but that is it, no where else). She doesn't ask for as much as I thought she would. Though she is sneaky (or tries to be) - today I had to go with her to renew her driver's liscense (she will be 18 tomorrow but because she is still 17, a parent has to sign). She could wait until tomorrow and do it without me but I wanted to make sure it was done so told her I would meet her there. Her reply, "are you going to pay for it also?" "Of course not!!" She had money in savings for a trip to NY - I told her to take money from savings and repay it, "No, I tried that already and I never repay it."

    If you are o.k. with her going - let her go - but do let her know that she can come back. When she does come back then place a time limit on her visit home. Sometimes when kids are told they can't come home, they won't ask when really need to.

    Tell Mr. XH that if he doesn't want her to go, it is up to him to convince her (sounds like he tries to make the decisions only to have you enforce them) to stay because you are o.k. with it.

    I would also make her pay her own way there (though if she needs to come home, you can send her one ticket).
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree. Bid them a fond farewell so that they aren't harboring a ridiculous "they kicked me out" mentality....then enjoy the peace and quiet with H. :)

  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Of course the story has changed a little (nearly by the hour with difficult child). Apparently this move is to take place in 2-3 weeks. This tells me it's highly unlikely it will ever happen.

    My exh has burns on his ears from me blasting him. And having to list out the many ways in which we've tried with difficult child was even a little illuminating for me - I had forgotten so much. And also in the lambasting I told him about a lot of things he never knew about...not because I kept it from him but because there were so many stories and over the years, you know, things are moving so fast that I simply didn't have the time to call him and tell him all of them...plus, in the earlier years he was fighting me more about putting difficult child on medications and every time I called him or anyone in his family, that's all they would talk about. It became pointless for me to try and make them understand what was going on in our home with difficult child.

    I was telling H about my conversation with exh and I cannot believe the change in him since finally getting on the same page with me about this. He stood there nodding his head as he remembered the many ways in which difficult child would cripple us or any plans we had, how she managed to ruin entire weekends with her rage attacks, and how we felt like we were being held hostage by this little 8 year old. We talked about how difficult it was to make certain decisions in her care, all the work and hours spent between doctors and schools, etc., trying to help this kid.

    It's not like we feel she 'owes' us, and I think that's what exh has in his head. But he is just soooo clueless about everything, even though I fill him in on a regular basis. I mean, since May 2005 (the pedophile incident) he knows EVERYTHING that's gone on and yet, he still listens to difficult child and doubts me. He has these ideas and misconceptions in his head about what my relationship is with my daughters and no matter what I say, I can't seem to make him see it's not what he thinks.

    The thing about parenting difficult child is that despite all the crud and fighting, we ARE really close - she DOES tell me things and come to me. I don't hold her to a higher expectation than I would any other kid her age who is a HS grad. She's stuck in a very immature place, she's drinking and drugging and tries to manipulate us and everyone, but we're not biting....exh is. Why? Because he hasn't had to contend with her on such a close level as we have for so many years...he's green to all of this, even though he knows all the crud we've been through. I hate that he thinks there is constant chaos and yelling and fighting going on in our home and between me and my daughters. It's just not so. I told him flat out: I AM NOT ANGRY - I DO NOT YELL AT difficult child - I AM JUST TIRED OF HER ABUSE AND REFUSE TO LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE. I'M DONE (haha, I just realized I'm yelling now! lol). But he still isn't hearing me. So, I give up with that. I can't make him understand.

    difficult child told exh that everything went downhill between us when easy child went off to college. Ahem, shortly after easy child left, difficult child broke up with her boyfriend that we liked, who was clean and didn't do drugs or drink and fell at her feet. She then proceeded to hang out with giant losers and sneak around with her then bff drinking and smoking pot, staying out HOURS past curfew and lying left and right (well, that part wasn't new). Anyway, the drama in her life escalated as she went from one loser to another and then back again. It was all I could do from not nailing her to her bedroom floor just to get one day's peace. Is it worth even bringing up with difficult child? I mean even if I point the facts out to difficult child, will she even consider it and realize that her being grounded and creating tension in the home had nothing to do with easy child being gone? It just so happens that the relationship between easy child and difficult child had been somewhat strained by that time already, and to be honest, I think easy child couldn't wait to get away from difficult child and all her BS...and I can't blame her. But it's not like all of a sudden, our focus turned to difficult child - she ALWAYS had our attention. I mean, please.

    Exh's big advice to easy child yesterday was this, "I don't care what you do, smoke a joint together, have a beer together, and just talk like sisters...have a fun conversation and just be sisters. Don't be such a mom with difficult child." That's just F**^(^(*G great exh! Place all the burden at easy child's feet and in the process, tell them to drink/drug so they can have a moment of emotional intimacy. What a moron. Apparently easy child said she's NOT acting like a mom with difficult child and that he doesn't know what he's talking about. Ugh. easy child is finishing up classes today and graduating tomorrow - she doesn't need this aggravation.

    If difficult child goes to NH, she will most definitely not be able to get birth control and she will likely not take her medications. In fact, I am not giving her them, because I'm afraid that in a desperate moment she may try to take them all at once. If she's not taking her medications and she's living with monkeyboy in a friend's house and everything...she will either end up pregnant or in the psychiatric ward or both. Her choice though. It's not like she doesn't KNOW this. Knowing and REALIZING are two different things though.

    So, I suppose I'm just rambling. Thanks for the feedback - it's good to know I'm not insane. Well, for the most part.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Exh needs to pull his head out of his arse. Tell him if he thinks he can do a better job then he can be the Hero and offter MB and difficult child a place to live.

    I think one reason Nichole stopped pushing boyfriend to move out is because she finally realized I was serious that our home doesn't have a revolving door on it. Once you've flown the nest it's sink or swim cuz you're out for good.

    She came awfully awfully close to that closed door a couple months back due to some boyfriend drama. I think it scared her sillly. I think she thought that rule didn't apply to her somehow, maybe because of Aubrey. But that incident made it very clear that the rule was there for her too, regardless.

    Once their 18 there is very little we can do. The only power we have is over what we choose to do or not do.

  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow...you have alot on your plate Jog.

    Sounds like ex is going to have to learn the hard way, I agree with other who suggest difficult child and monkeyboy go live with him.

    Im sorry to hear about the possible outcomes concerning difficult child if she Does make this move...but you know difficult child's, their plans can change in an instant. So, it may never actualize (2 to 3 weeks from now).

    Congrats to easy child for doing so well in school and accomplishing so much in her life despite all the chaos that difficult child has brought to your home for so many years.

    Does it ever end? smiles I hope you enjoy the graduation despite it all.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    LMS - I have already pushed all this nonsense of difficult child out of my head so I can focus on the upcoming graduation, celebrating easy child's successes, enjoying the 4th with all my kiddos (even those who aren't blood will be stopping over this weekend) and a BBQ with my mom on Saturday. My mantra has been: "I will not allow this to rule my life" and so far, so good. But it sure is great to come here to vent about it and then let it go. I so appreciate the support here. Thanks everyone.

    I took today off just so I could prepare and chill before the weekend and I am soooo glad I did. I went and got a pedicure and the place I go to gives amazing massages. I got waxed and now I'm home. I'm doing a few things and then I'm hitting the pool with my dogs. Aaaaaah, the stress is melting away.
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    You DO sound good! How relaxing, enjoy.
  15. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    congrats to easy child...I so know what you mean by them getting so done and ready to leave after two years and two difficult child's under the roof my easy child's are off to school this summer. They are relieved to be out of the daily drama. ( although this summer has been fairly calm, one difficult child is gone and one is at his bio mom for a bit)

    as for dear ex, JMHO but I think you need to detach...let go you do not owe him anymore explanations. He and she should have their own relationship (however twisted it can become...maybe thats just my house) but you have raised her and your and husband's decisions regarding your home and how you handle difficult child are yours. Boo hooo if in his distorted thinking he can give you parenting advise. What he chooses to do or not do is his let him own it, I'm sure he will see the light, eventually (usually too soon) if they get to live with him. But that probably wont factor in as a choice for difficult child and MB.

    Sorry if I sound bitter but I had an absent parent and have an absent parent for my easy child's. He sees them maybe once a year, calls infrequently. I included him in planning things for my children. He does not get involved. But believes he is a great dad. both easy child's are off to school and he has only offered one some help with books...but I'm sure the story will be how he helped them get through college..(on my nickle)...Anyhow, got way off there..sorry..what I mean is dont' let him try to guilt you into what you should do. You and husband know what will probably happen.

    Jeeze our kiddos love to learn the hard way...

    I hit the spa ... Sat morning...we're taking a road trip..alone...yeah us.
  16. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Jo,
    just got back from a week's vacation, trying to catch up with board. My difficult child 1 took off on a whim with her boyfriend when she was 18--they went to Massachussetts. Supposedly they were moving to Chicago but somehow ended up in New England (from central NY). Anyway, I actually gave her the bus fare for the supposed trip to Chicago because I so wanted her out of this state where I was responsible for all her craziness. She and the boyfriend spent the summer in New England going to various homeless shelters and her having pseudo seizures--she ended up for several days in a hospital in Boston for testing for epilepsy and turned out they were pseudoseizures, probably due to stress. Oh, also, she was pregnant at one point but miscarried.

    She did end up coming home--begged me to come home, she was going to "change." Well, she came home and treated our house like a hotel with maid service and had a grand time partying with friends every night while we insisted she get a job.

    After several weeks we told her she had to leave and the boyfriend, who had been "working" somewhere on Long Island, came and rescued her.

    I think you probably are right, since this adventure is planned for a few weeks off it will probably not happen. However, I so understand that you would almost want it too and would buy the ticket--that is exactly how I felt and what I did!

    On a brighter note, difficult child has matured quite a bit in the last couple of years and though she is still with boyfriend and pregnant she is 3000 miles away and loves where she is. She does work and hasn't asked for money in a long time. She is always happy to talk to me and we are "close" in our own strange way.

    Good luck!