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Losing adult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 668716" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Yes, he is no longer a child. Yes, he, and only he, can overcome patterns he has had as a child.</p><p></p><p>You are not going to live forever. Then, what? He does not need to be "disciplined" because someone is always there for him to fill in the missing pieces. </p><p></p><p>He cannot sleep all day without acknowledging that fact. Is he truly disabled in some way? Does he talk to you? Do you inquire? What do his own children feel about the fact that their own father, that they just see part-time, would rather sleep than visit with them? They are children. His children. How could they understand? What if they tell their mother? Will dhe cut iff visitation? You are probably, all be it well-meaningly, spending time with them...smoothing over his glaring behavioral faults.</p><p></p><p>He needs to actively be engaged in treatment or leave NOW. No more. You are not helping him. He can continue this way ONLY if you help him by supporting him, giving him money, or feeling sorry for him.</p><p></p><p>My mentally ill son lived with me for 9 years. Yes, he is schizophrenic and thus, out of touch with reality. But, he should have been thrown out by me. Yes, I made him not get better...with love...undying motherly love.</p><p></p><p>My younger brother was the baby of the family. He had heart surgery as a baby. After that he was fine, except for scoliosis, brought on by ribs being removed for the aorta surgery as a baby.</p><p></p><p>Flash toward 50 years. He lived with my parents, mooched off of them when they were alive, and a home-cooked meal waited for him each night. He was finally kicked out when my parents house had to be sold because he had stolen $200,000 from the trust and estate and cost us over $100,000 in attorney fees. He had bought himself a car, traveled, ate at fancy restaurants, paid his taxes, and on and on and on.</p><p></p><p>My mother felt sorry for him. She totally enabled him to the point that he had a strong feeling of entitlement...just for being alive.</p><p></p><p>That could be your son. His children will lose respect, you will lose respect, more importantly, HE will lose respect in himself. If he feels that you expect nothing from him, he will internalized that and feel, "Yes, they are right. I am incapable of achieving more..."</p><p></p><p>You need to do what you feel is right for everyone involved, not just him. His problems affect many individuals. </p><p></p><p>Please, seek help from a therapist. You know your case better than anyone. They could help guide you through these truly trying times. Guilt is the number one feeling that I have. But, would l feel more guilty if I knew my complacency had caused something even worse to occur. Think of everyone involved. ..not just him.</p><p></p><p>We often perceive our grown children as children, but they are adults. They are adults in society with societal rules and expectations. One further...your son is a father, as well...</p><p></p><p>We are here for you. We know that you are hurting. We have all been through similar turmoils. Stay in conract. It truly helps.</p><p></p><p>Positive thoughts sent your way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 668716, member: 19245"] Yes, he is no longer a child. Yes, he, and only he, can overcome patterns he has had as a child. You are not going to live forever. Then, what? He does not need to be "disciplined" because someone is always there for him to fill in the missing pieces. He cannot sleep all day without acknowledging that fact. Is he truly disabled in some way? Does he talk to you? Do you inquire? What do his own children feel about the fact that their own father, that they just see part-time, would rather sleep than visit with them? They are children. His children. How could they understand? What if they tell their mother? Will dhe cut iff visitation? You are probably, all be it well-meaningly, spending time with them...smoothing over his glaring behavioral faults. He needs to actively be engaged in treatment or leave NOW. No more. You are not helping him. He can continue this way ONLY if you help him by supporting him, giving him money, or feeling sorry for him. My mentally ill son lived with me for 9 years. Yes, he is schizophrenic and thus, out of touch with reality. But, he should have been thrown out by me. Yes, I made him not get better...with love...undying motherly love. My younger brother was the baby of the family. He had heart surgery as a baby. After that he was fine, except for scoliosis, brought on by ribs being removed for the aorta surgery as a baby. Flash toward 50 years. He lived with my parents, mooched off of them when they were alive, and a home-cooked meal waited for him each night. He was finally kicked out when my parents house had to be sold because he had stolen $200,000 from the trust and estate and cost us over $100,000 in attorney fees. He had bought himself a car, traveled, ate at fancy restaurants, paid his taxes, and on and on and on. My mother felt sorry for him. She totally enabled him to the point that he had a strong feeling of entitlement...just for being alive. That could be your son. His children will lose respect, you will lose respect, more importantly, HE will lose respect in himself. If he feels that you expect nothing from him, he will internalized that and feel, "Yes, they are right. I am incapable of achieving more..." You need to do what you feel is right for everyone involved, not just him. His problems affect many individuals. Please, seek help from a therapist. You know your case better than anyone. They could help guide you through these truly trying times. Guilt is the number one feeling that I have. But, would l feel more guilty if I knew my complacency had caused something even worse to occur. Think of everyone involved. ..not just him. We often perceive our grown children as children, but they are adults. They are adults in society with societal rules and expectations. One further...your son is a father, as well... We are here for you. We know that you are hurting. We have all been through similar turmoils. Stay in conract. It truly helps. Positive thoughts sent your way. [/QUOTE]
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