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Losing adult child
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 668746" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Kalahou,</p><p>Welcome. I am sorry for your troubles that cause you to be here. Nevertheless, it is a good place to be. I am glad that I found this site, in the short time I have been here, I have been empowered to move in a different direction and have found much peace.</p><p></p><p>I too, have a 36 year old who has downward spiraled before our eyes, slowly, then quickly, then slowly, then quickly.</p><p></p><p>I have read and reread your post.Trying to figure out in your description, like you are, what has happened to your son. I cannot tell you what the problem is, I do not know the whole story. All I can do is share what I know of our experience with our 36 year old. There are many similarities written here. The most blaring one is that you have bent over more than backwards to try to help your ADULT child.</p><p></p><p>You and your husband are incredibly kind and patient.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I color coded parts of your observations-blue for what you have done to try to help, and red for clues you could focus on to examine his pattern. Red-for <span style="color: #ff0000">red flag.</span> Signs that we as parents don't see because it is too, too, up close and personal, sometimes we need to step back, like an artist does, to see the full picture.</p><p></p><p>All of these red flags could be signs of depression, of mental illness, of drug addiction.Whatever the case may be, it does not give our adult children license to walk all over us and our kindness and graciousness.</p><p></p><p>These red flags are what we observed with our daughter. It does not happen all at once. It is like a puzzle that you try to put together, but you lost the cover with the picture on it. Then slowly, the pieces start to fit.</p><p></p><p></p><p>We live in a small house. Our daughter would have to bunk in the living room, her comings and goings were very obvious. She exhibited a lot of the characteristics you describe here. She became a night walker-going out all night and sleeping in. Her sister, also a difficult adult child (for whatever reason) finally came to me and said </p><p>"Mom she's not depressed, she's on ice, meth. She sleeps like that, because she is coming off it. She is moody, and snappish because she needs her next high." Suddenly that lost puzzle cover was right in front of my face, and all of the scattered pieces began to fit together. No shoplifting charges that I know about, but we would find athletic bags of all kinds. She and her boyfriend began bringing bikes and mopeds to our house, claiming they were working to help his friend who owned a bike shop with the excess repair orders he had. They were stealing from people at the park and operating a bloody chop shop in our back yard.WE had no clue. We believed all the lies.</p><p></p><p>My daughter is like this, too. She <em>sort of </em>wanted to live at our house, <em>on her terms</em>. We soon found out that when she disappeared, she was binging with her addict friends, and doing God only knows what to pay for her habit. When the binging was over and she needed to sleep, to shower, she would show up again.</p><p></p><p></p><p><strong><em>Manipulation</em></strong> at its finest. My daughters M.O. There was always a reason or excuse. FINE way to treat someone who is helping you, right?</p><p></p><p>Our daughter did not care to be responsible either. We had debt collectors calling our house at all hours for her. We eventually learned it was because the only thing she cared about was the next high.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Our daughter became a thief and a habitual liar. She used moods and snapped when we were too close to "seeing the picture" or completing the puzzle of what was happening. She learned that we did not want to get into arguments or altercations, we just wanted a peaceable home. We did not want to believe that she was into drugs, she knew this. She would do anything, say anything to be able to keep using drugs, and keep using US.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This was a big step for us, realizing we were <em>not helping </em>by letting our daughters stay in our house, understanding enabling. Please read the piece on this forum about Detachment, it is very informative and eye opening about our responses as parents of adult children.</p><p>The stress you speak of is still directed towards worry and concern for <em>him.</em> You do not even mention how all of this has impacted <em>YOU </em>and your life. You are important too, You have value, You have a right to live in peace, You have a right to be respected in your own home, by your <u>36 year old adult son, whom you have helped over and over and over again.</u> What you have described here is unacceptable behavior. </p><p></p><p>I apologize if my response seems harsh. I suppose it is because it hits home hard for me. It is like a retelling of our own story, through another person, the similarities are all too real. </p><p></p><p>I have hit a different stage in my dealing with our daughters and addiction. I am fed up with the lies, manipulation, using. I will not allow this in my home.</p><p></p><p>It is almost as if we were hypnotized with the memories of them as children, blinded by our love for them, we could not see the cold hard reality, we could not solve the puzzle, <em>we could not see the picture.</em></p><p></p><p>Our difficult adult children are very cunning. They know how to get what they want from us, they know how to push all the right buttons. We took our 27 year old in again and again with the focus on our grandchildren. There was promise of change that quickly eroded into old habits and our little home became a war zone. </p><p></p><p>Your son has learned that you do not want to battle. So he turns on you when you get too close to knowing the truth. </p><p></p><p>He is a man, well on his way to 40 years old. You have done your raising of him. You have shown him more than enough times how much you love him and he has taken advantage of your love.</p><p></p><p> It is hard to break old habits. We let our daughters back in to our home over and over again, each time the end result was worse, each time our daughters appeared with promises that hypnotized us all over again into believing that we were helping them. We were not helping them. </p><p></p><p>Our house was not our sanctuary. Our lives were chaotic, in turmoil, disrupted. I went through all of the stages of grief, time and again. Denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance. </p><p></p><p>The similarities of our stories has opened up a floodgate of anger in me. I am angry that we were so hypnotized into looking at our daughters as children. Angry that we could not see the picture, angry that we were used over and over again. I spent a long time writing this, and debated whether or not I should even post it. </p><p></p><p>I do not wish to offend you, for we all must go through our own processing in our own due time. I understand your pain, your desire to help. I am angry for you Kalahou. Not at you-for you. I see so much of myself in your writing. </p><p></p><p>Please try to focus on your right to have a peaceable home. See what is happening to you, rather than trying to focus on your son. He is a man, he has made his own choices. The consequences of those choices have been damaging to you. No diagnosis can justify that.</p><p></p><p>There is an old song with a lyric that runs through my head. </p><p>"Brothers got a problem and it's deep as a wishing well, and no one else can help him but himself.</p><p></p><p>This applies to our difficult adult children. There is a reality revolving through many of these threads, and that is that our adult children get worse in our homes, not better. That is because they return to old patterns of dependency, and do not take responsibility for their own lives, their own actions.</p><p></p><p>If I have offended you with my words, please forgive me. I am writing to myself as much as I am to you. I feel for you Kalahou. Please take care, continue to visit here and post. It is a place where you can garner much knowledge to help you make informed decisions. It is a place where people care deeply and understand each other.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS))) </p><p></p><p>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 668746, member: 19522"] Hi Kalahou, Welcome. I am sorry for your troubles that cause you to be here. Nevertheless, it is a good place to be. I am glad that I found this site, in the short time I have been here, I have been empowered to move in a different direction and have found much peace. I too, have a 36 year old who has downward spiraled before our eyes, slowly, then quickly, then slowly, then quickly. I have read and reread your post.Trying to figure out in your description, like you are, what has happened to your son. I cannot tell you what the problem is, I do not know the whole story. All I can do is share what I know of our experience with our 36 year old. There are many similarities written here. The most blaring one is that you have bent over more than backwards to try to help your ADULT child. You and your husband are incredibly kind and patient. I color coded parts of your observations-blue for what you have done to try to help, and red for clues you could focus on to examine his pattern. Red-for [COLOR=#ff0000]red flag.[/COLOR] Signs that we as parents don't see because it is too, too, up close and personal, sometimes we need to step back, like an artist does, to see the full picture. All of these red flags could be signs of depression, of mental illness, of drug addiction.Whatever the case may be, it does not give our adult children license to walk all over us and our kindness and graciousness. These red flags are what we observed with our daughter. It does not happen all at once. It is like a puzzle that you try to put together, but you lost the cover with the picture on it. Then slowly, the pieces start to fit. We live in a small house. Our daughter would have to bunk in the living room, her comings and goings were very obvious. She exhibited a lot of the characteristics you describe here. She became a night walker-going out all night and sleeping in. Her sister, also a difficult adult child (for whatever reason) finally came to me and said "Mom she's not depressed, she's on ice, meth. She sleeps like that, because she is coming off it. She is moody, and snappish because she needs her next high." Suddenly that lost puzzle cover was right in front of my face, and all of the scattered pieces began to fit together. No shoplifting charges that I know about, but we would find athletic bags of all kinds. She and her boyfriend began bringing bikes and mopeds to our house, claiming they were working to help his friend who owned a bike shop with the excess repair orders he had. They were stealing from people at the park and operating a bloody chop shop in our back yard.WE had no clue. We believed all the lies. My daughter is like this, too. She [I]sort of [/I]wanted to live at our house, [I]on her terms[/I]. We soon found out that when she disappeared, she was binging with her addict friends, and doing God only knows what to pay for her habit. When the binging was over and she needed to sleep, to shower, she would show up again. [COLOR=#000000][/COLOR] [B][I]Manipulation[/I][/B] at its finest. My daughters M.O. There was always a reason or excuse. FINE way to treat someone who is helping you, right? [COLOR=#000000][/COLOR] Our daughter did not care to be responsible either. We had debt collectors calling our house at all hours for her. We eventually learned it was because the only thing she cared about was the next high. [SIZE=4][/SIZE] Our daughter became a thief and a habitual liar. She used moods and snapped when we were too close to "seeing the picture" or completing the puzzle of what was happening. She learned that we did not want to get into arguments or altercations, we just wanted a peaceable home. We did not want to believe that she was into drugs, she knew this. She would do anything, say anything to be able to keep using drugs, and keep using US. This was a big step for us, realizing we were [I]not helping [/I]by letting our daughters stay in our house, understanding enabling. Please read the piece on this forum about Detachment, it is very informative and eye opening about our responses as parents of adult children. The stress you speak of is still directed towards worry and concern for [I]him.[/I] You do not even mention how all of this has impacted [I]YOU [/I]and your life. You are important too, You have value, You have a right to live in peace, You have a right to be respected in your own home, by your [U]36 year old adult son, whom you have helped over and over and over again.[/U] What you have described here is unacceptable behavior. I apologize if my response seems harsh. I suppose it is because it hits home hard for me. It is like a retelling of our own story, through another person, the similarities are all too real. I have hit a different stage in my dealing with our daughters and addiction. I am fed up with the lies, manipulation, using. I will not allow this in my home. It is almost as if we were hypnotized with the memories of them as children, blinded by our love for them, we could not see the cold hard reality, we could not solve the puzzle, [I]we could not see the picture.[/I] Our difficult adult children are very cunning. They know how to get what they want from us, they know how to push all the right buttons. We took our 27 year old in again and again with the focus on our grandchildren. There was promise of change that quickly eroded into old habits and our little home became a war zone. Your son has learned that you do not want to battle. So he turns on you when you get too close to knowing the truth. He is a man, well on his way to 40 years old. You have done your raising of him. You have shown him more than enough times how much you love him and he has taken advantage of your love. It is hard to break old habits. We let our daughters back in to our home over and over again, each time the end result was worse, each time our daughters appeared with promises that hypnotized us all over again into believing that we were helping them. We were not helping them. Our house was not our sanctuary. Our lives were chaotic, in turmoil, disrupted. I went through all of the stages of grief, time and again. Denial, bargaining, depression, anger, acceptance. The similarities of our stories has opened up a floodgate of anger in me. I am angry that we were so hypnotized into looking at our daughters as children. Angry that we could not see the picture, angry that we were used over and over again. I spent a long time writing this, and debated whether or not I should even post it. I do not wish to offend you, for we all must go through our own processing in our own due time. I understand your pain, your desire to help. I am angry for you Kalahou. Not at you-for you. I see so much of myself in your writing. Please try to focus on your right to have a peaceable home. See what is happening to you, rather than trying to focus on your son. He is a man, he has made his own choices. The consequences of those choices have been damaging to you. No diagnosis can justify that. There is an old song with a lyric that runs through my head. "Brothers got a problem and it's deep as a wishing well, and no one else can help him but himself. This applies to our difficult adult children. There is a reality revolving through many of these threads, and that is that our adult children get worse in our homes, not better. That is because they return to old patterns of dependency, and do not take responsibility for their own lives, their own actions. If I have offended you with my words, please forgive me. I am writing to myself as much as I am to you. I feel for you Kalahou. Please take care, continue to visit here and post. It is a place where you can garner much knowledge to help you make informed decisions. It is a place where people care deeply and understand each other. (((HUGS))) . [/QUOTE]
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