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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 668754" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>One of the best things about writing and reading on this site is seeing ourselves and our situations in the mirror of others' stories. The facts and details are different, but the larger truths and experiences and learnings are often the same. </p><p></p><p>It is also comforting to know we are not alone in this. That in fact, there are patterns to this type of behavior and these situations. </p><p></p><p>We are often willing to listen to people who have walked the same road, or a very close road, to the road we have walked.</p><p></p><p>Once we understand that we love our children just the same...and we have tried to hard to do the right thing at any given point in time...and we have suffered and struggled the same...we trust. And then we are willing to listen to new ways of thinking and behaving.</p><p></p><p>That is the crux of the whole matter. Doing the same thing over and over again gets us the same thing. </p><p></p><p>We have waited and waited and waited for them to change. It hasn't happened. So...we have to "see" that we have to change. I remember a series of "seeing" things for the very first time. It was like I "woke up" all of a sudden and the same exact situation took on new meaning and I saw it in a whole new perspective.</p><p></p><p>The situation is exactly the same...but my perspective on it changed. </p><p></p><p>And once we see the situation differently...we can never go back to where we were. And that is a good thing. </p><p></p><p>Then the real work begins. Because it is the hardest thing we have ever done in our own lives...to tell our precious children, our sons and daughters who are now adults....no more. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Kalahou, I also have wondered these things, and I have spent a lot of time getting more real about people and about the world. I used to think (ah, my Cinderella self) that nothing would do except both of my sons would have college degrees, advanced degrees, high level professional jobs, volunteer in the community, get married to a wonderful accomplished woman, have 2.5 children. I had it all laid out in my heart and in my head. What expectations I had. They were wrong of me, because their lives are their business and I had no business imposing my dream, MY dream, not theirs, onto their lives. But I did, and I couldn't see reality. </p><p></p><p>Today, after so much work on myself, as I look more clearly at the real world, I see that so many kinds of people make up the world. There are people at every socio-economic point on the spectrum. And many/most of them are happy right where they are. They are content. They are living the lives they have chosen. It's not for me to decide. I am so much more humble today. </p><p></p><p>So...to your point...if our adult children can pay their own way in life...is that enough for us? If my son works at a $13 an hour job forever...like he is today...is that enough for me? Can I accept and love him and not forever keep on pushing, pushing, pushing for him to do more to make me happy?</p><p></p><p>This is acceptance and I am still learning all about it. This is reality. It is what it is. I have come light years in separating myself from my rose-colored arrogance. My superiority. I have had to struggle mightily with myself and my prejudices about higher education, etc. I never realized any of this until I came face to face with my own inability to make something happen with my son. This has been a very good and important journey for me, facing my own self, and realizing that so much work on me needed to be done. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have come to believe that letting go of people we love so much is the highest and best form of love. Letting people be who they are, whether they are homeless, in jail or lying on the side of the road high on drugs...these are adults. These are people who have had, and still have, every chance to get help and change, but they are...choosing...not...to. </p><p></p><p>They want the life they are leading, because if they didn't, they would start the process of changing it. </p><p></p><p>My son was absolutely not going to take any help. Every outstretched hand he figuratively spit on. He was going to do life his own way on his own terms. </p><p></p><p>I could not accept that, for years. I couldn't fathom it, I was terrified by it, and I could not and would not accept it.</p><p></p><p>I made myself miserable and I am sure I made him miserable too.</p><p></p><p>Seeing this, and then living with it...requires hard work to separate my thinking and my behavior from my feelings. It is the hardest work ever, because I was a person who was and is a very feelings-oriented person. I have been "accused" all of my life of being...too sensitive. I still hear that today, at times. I am a person who feels very deeply and it is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. This awful journey has helped me deal from new thinking...not my feelings. And that has taken a lot of work. </p><p></p><p>I hear the "sick and tired" in you. We have to be so sick and tired of the situation with our DCs that we are willing to do the very very hard work of changing ourselves and our thinking and our behavior. We have to be completely spent with it all, before we can do this hard work. </p><p></p><p>And the same goes for them. While they are "taken care of" they have no chance to get sick and tired enough to fight for their own lives, to want to change. Why should they? They have us to handle life for them.</p><p></p><p>Please know we understand the struggle, the terrible struggle, the wrestling, the dark night of the soul, the pain and the fear. I understand it, because i have lived it too. </p><p></p><p>And everybody is different and every situation is different. There is no prescriptive, onesizefitsall, solution. But these are ideas that may be helpful.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 668754, member: 17542"] One of the best things about writing and reading on this site is seeing ourselves and our situations in the mirror of others' stories. The facts and details are different, but the larger truths and experiences and learnings are often the same. It is also comforting to know we are not alone in this. That in fact, there are patterns to this type of behavior and these situations. We are often willing to listen to people who have walked the same road, or a very close road, to the road we have walked. Once we understand that we love our children just the same...and we have tried to hard to do the right thing at any given point in time...and we have suffered and struggled the same...we trust. And then we are willing to listen to new ways of thinking and behaving. That is the crux of the whole matter. Doing the same thing over and over again gets us the same thing. We have waited and waited and waited for them to change. It hasn't happened. So...we have to "see" that we have to change. I remember a series of "seeing" things for the very first time. It was like I "woke up" all of a sudden and the same exact situation took on new meaning and I saw it in a whole new perspective. The situation is exactly the same...but my perspective on it changed. And once we see the situation differently...we can never go back to where we were. And that is a good thing. Then the real work begins. Because it is the hardest thing we have ever done in our own lives...to tell our precious children, our sons and daughters who are now adults....no more. Kalahou, I also have wondered these things, and I have spent a lot of time getting more real about people and about the world. I used to think (ah, my Cinderella self) that nothing would do except both of my sons would have college degrees, advanced degrees, high level professional jobs, volunteer in the community, get married to a wonderful accomplished woman, have 2.5 children. I had it all laid out in my heart and in my head. What expectations I had. They were wrong of me, because their lives are their business and I had no business imposing my dream, MY dream, not theirs, onto their lives. But I did, and I couldn't see reality. Today, after so much work on myself, as I look more clearly at the real world, I see that so many kinds of people make up the world. There are people at every socio-economic point on the spectrum. And many/most of them are happy right where they are. They are content. They are living the lives they have chosen. It's not for me to decide. I am so much more humble today. So...to your point...if our adult children can pay their own way in life...is that enough for us? If my son works at a $13 an hour job forever...like he is today...is that enough for me? Can I accept and love him and not forever keep on pushing, pushing, pushing for him to do more to make me happy? This is acceptance and I am still learning all about it. This is reality. It is what it is. I have come light years in separating myself from my rose-colored arrogance. My superiority. I have had to struggle mightily with myself and my prejudices about higher education, etc. I never realized any of this until I came face to face with my own inability to make something happen with my son. This has been a very good and important journey for me, facing my own self, and realizing that so much work on me needed to be done. I have come to believe that letting go of people we love so much is the highest and best form of love. Letting people be who they are, whether they are homeless, in jail or lying on the side of the road high on drugs...these are adults. These are people who have had, and still have, every chance to get help and change, but they are...choosing...not...to. They want the life they are leading, because if they didn't, they would start the process of changing it. My son was absolutely not going to take any help. Every outstretched hand he figuratively spit on. He was going to do life his own way on his own terms. I could not accept that, for years. I couldn't fathom it, I was terrified by it, and I could not and would not accept it. I made myself miserable and I am sure I made him miserable too. Seeing this, and then living with it...requires hard work to separate my thinking and my behavior from my feelings. It is the hardest work ever, because I was a person who was and is a very feelings-oriented person. I have been "accused" all of my life of being...too sensitive. I still hear that today, at times. I am a person who feels very deeply and it is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. This awful journey has helped me deal from new thinking...not my feelings. And that has taken a lot of work. I hear the "sick and tired" in you. We have to be so sick and tired of the situation with our DCs that we are willing to do the very very hard work of changing ourselves and our thinking and our behavior. We have to be completely spent with it all, before we can do this hard work. And the same goes for them. While they are "taken care of" they have no chance to get sick and tired enough to fight for their own lives, to want to change. Why should they? They have us to handle life for them. Please know we understand the struggle, the terrible struggle, the wrestling, the dark night of the soul, the pain and the fear. I understand it, because i have lived it too. And everybody is different and every situation is different. There is no prescriptive, onesizefitsall, solution. But these are ideas that may be helpful. Warm hugs this morning. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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