Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Losing Adult Child*
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 672816" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>It is <em>a new day </em> ~ ~ <em> Ka la hou</em></p><p></p><p>I thought I was making strides with detachment. It was good for me to be removed from the area for a month (my trip Sept/ Oct), and focused on soaking up the truth and wisdom by reading the threads in this forum. I previously shared when I returned I was ready to take action, and now son’s things are removed. That is relief and progress. However, while his possessions are out of the house, his presence still lurks. I’m sorry my post will be a long story but I want to explain it all play by play, so maybe you can pick up on some clues I am missing.</p><p></p><p>I shared before that son was home once last week for a pit stop. OK. But then last night he again showed up and actually whistled / knocked before coming in. (a first) I sense he realizes it is not his place to just walk in anymore as it is not his room (although there are some minor odds and ends he left in there from last time). He asked could he eat dinner with us and take a shower. I agreed.</p><p></p><p>We ate. He actually stayed to eat in the kitchen with us, although at a different counter area. (Another first. Previously, he used to take whatever he wanted and disappeared back into his room to eat.) After he finished eating, he went to his old room, where I assumed he was going to take a shower (as he had mentioned it and previously asked)… but a bit later, I noticed he was crashed out sleeping on the floor, no shower?? I allowed him a 40 minute nap and it was getting after 8:00pm and I just knew he was not going to wake up – maybe for days?? (same old?) So I went and roused to force him to wake up, which was hard to do. I confronted him (calmly I thought) about why was he sleeping now? Had he been on drugs? Didn’t he say he was going to shower? He was not happy about my questions. I told him he had to get up so he could catch the bus before the bus stopped running for the night.</p><p></p><p>He was not so happy about it, but did a few things and got some stuff restocked in his backpack. (I saw he put in a couple canned goods (don’t know how he’s eating when away.) I went to a different room, and before he left, I heard him tell husband “thanks for the dinner.” That was another first – that’s not something he has usually said. I heard him leave the house but then he knocked back at the door. I went to open it. Not sure, but I sensed he did not want to leave without saying something to me because of how he had been mad that I woke him up. He was kind of weepy in telling me he didn’t know about the GKs schedule for this weekend, but would let us know etc. And he left. </p><p></p><p>Then around a half hour later, he called on the phone, and I saw it was him on caller ID. (What now?) I calmly answered. He wanted to further explain why he had been upset when I woke him and why he had crashed asleep. He was crying and it was hard for him to talk and for me to understand. He said he had not been sleeping much lately, as it was hard to find a good place. (He’s probably worn out his welcome at his couch surfing spots.) He also asked me to not to react to situations by assuming / accusing that he was binging on drugs etc. He said he just needs to sleep. --- I am glad I remembered some of the “script” with the tips you recommended to be prepared with when those phone calls come.</p><p></p><p>-- I calmly replied, “I understand it’s hard. Hope you work something out.”</p><p>-- I also calmly added that “I apologize my comments about drug binging came across as reacting, but I felt I was just questioning behavior I observed.” </p><p>-- I said “thanks for calling and good night.”</p><p></p><p>Well, you’d thing that would be the end? Not for me. I started feeling so much pity for him as he is a lost soul, doesn’t communicate well, and no one cares a whit about him (I’m not sure if I even care. I’m building that hardened callous.) That is so sad to me and those feelings / emotions had me in tears the rest of the evening and I could not sleep. I kept re-reading the threads here on PE for strength. When I finally went to bed, I just laid awake in a numb state, breathing, with weepy eyes.</p><p></p><p>After a while (hours?) I got up and walked in the dark to his room and looked in with light filtering in the window. As I stood there, I imagined how I would feel if I had just let him keep sleeping there on the floor and if I was now looking at him sleeping. I realized that I would be feeling resentment, frustration, helplessness, anger (at myself? at him?), some fight or flight panic, etc. I realized and understood it was far better for me to be feeling momentary sadness and pity, with a patient resolve to wait and try to control anxiety instead of continuing that intolerable negative hopeless situation we are all trying to be free of. – So I came back to bed with the IPad in the dark and kept reading more threads and the article on detachment over and over until I finally got a few hours of sleep.</p><p></p><p>I’ve kept trying to visit the PE forum any time I can to read and re-read more and get built up with the strength and wisdom of you all who have been through this / going through this as we are all learning from each other.</p><p></p><p>I’m sure son will be back this Friday pm (I just had a call from GKs to tell me they will be here for the weekend) so son will want to see his kids and will come back for that reason. Then we will be having the explanation to the GKs about Daddy's empty room and will see how the weekend goes. </p><p></p><p>I know there are more rough patches ahead in the years ahead with this process, but I am committed to keeping my detachment and resolve to stick to an evolving plan with boundaries. (The other option is not a possible option.) It’s just that this small episode of emotion made me tired again. I sort of feel now that I might have to walk on eggshells around son and keep quiet except to pick my battles if needed. I don’t like and don’t want to feel that way, but it seems to easily have the potential to turn volatile quickly (on both sides) from being nice to feeling mad (??) Hmm?</p><p></p><p>Thanks all for listening. I’m still weepy. It really helps to pour it out here, and hear feedback with any clues or insights and just knowing folks are there for support. It’s all good. ~K</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 672816, member: 19617"] It is [I]a new day [/I] ~ ~ [I] Ka la hou[/I] I thought I was making strides with detachment. It was good for me to be removed from the area for a month (my trip Sept/ Oct), and focused on soaking up the truth and wisdom by reading the threads in this forum. I previously shared when I returned I was ready to take action, and now son’s things are removed. That is relief and progress. However, while his possessions are out of the house, his presence still lurks. I’m sorry my post will be a long story but I want to explain it all play by play, so maybe you can pick up on some clues I am missing. I shared before that son was home once last week for a pit stop. OK. But then last night he again showed up and actually whistled / knocked before coming in. (a first) I sense he realizes it is not his place to just walk in anymore as it is not his room (although there are some minor odds and ends he left in there from last time). He asked could he eat dinner with us and take a shower. I agreed. We ate. He actually stayed to eat in the kitchen with us, although at a different counter area. (Another first. Previously, he used to take whatever he wanted and disappeared back into his room to eat.) After he finished eating, he went to his old room, where I assumed he was going to take a shower (as he had mentioned it and previously asked)… but a bit later, I noticed he was crashed out sleeping on the floor, no shower?? I allowed him a 40 minute nap and it was getting after 8:00pm and I just knew he was not going to wake up – maybe for days?? (same old?) So I went and roused to force him to wake up, which was hard to do. I confronted him (calmly I thought) about why was he sleeping now? Had he been on drugs? Didn’t he say he was going to shower? He was not happy about my questions. I told him he had to get up so he could catch the bus before the bus stopped running for the night. He was not so happy about it, but did a few things and got some stuff restocked in his backpack. (I saw he put in a couple canned goods (don’t know how he’s eating when away.) I went to a different room, and before he left, I heard him tell husband “thanks for the dinner.” That was another first – that’s not something he has usually said. I heard him leave the house but then he knocked back at the door. I went to open it. Not sure, but I sensed he did not want to leave without saying something to me because of how he had been mad that I woke him up. He was kind of weepy in telling me he didn’t know about the GKs schedule for this weekend, but would let us know etc. And he left. Then around a half hour later, he called on the phone, and I saw it was him on caller ID. (What now?) I calmly answered. He wanted to further explain why he had been upset when I woke him and why he had crashed asleep. He was crying and it was hard for him to talk and for me to understand. He said he had not been sleeping much lately, as it was hard to find a good place. (He’s probably worn out his welcome at his couch surfing spots.) He also asked me to not to react to situations by assuming / accusing that he was binging on drugs etc. He said he just needs to sleep. --- I am glad I remembered some of the “script” with the tips you recommended to be prepared with when those phone calls come. -- I calmly replied, “I understand it’s hard. Hope you work something out.” -- I also calmly added that “I apologize my comments about drug binging came across as reacting, but I felt I was just questioning behavior I observed.” -- I said “thanks for calling and good night.” Well, you’d thing that would be the end? Not for me. I started feeling so much pity for him as he is a lost soul, doesn’t communicate well, and no one cares a whit about him (I’m not sure if I even care. I’m building that hardened callous.) That is so sad to me and those feelings / emotions had me in tears the rest of the evening and I could not sleep. I kept re-reading the threads here on PE for strength. When I finally went to bed, I just laid awake in a numb state, breathing, with weepy eyes. After a while (hours?) I got up and walked in the dark to his room and looked in with light filtering in the window. As I stood there, I imagined how I would feel if I had just let him keep sleeping there on the floor and if I was now looking at him sleeping. I realized that I would be feeling resentment, frustration, helplessness, anger (at myself? at him?), some fight or flight panic, etc. I realized and understood it was far better for me to be feeling momentary sadness and pity, with a patient resolve to wait and try to control anxiety instead of continuing that intolerable negative hopeless situation we are all trying to be free of. – So I came back to bed with the IPad in the dark and kept reading more threads and the article on detachment over and over until I finally got a few hours of sleep. I’ve kept trying to visit the PE forum any time I can to read and re-read more and get built up with the strength and wisdom of you all who have been through this / going through this as we are all learning from each other. I’m sure son will be back this Friday pm (I just had a call from GKs to tell me they will be here for the weekend) so son will want to see his kids and will come back for that reason. Then we will be having the explanation to the GKs about Daddy's empty room and will see how the weekend goes. I know there are more rough patches ahead in the years ahead with this process, but I am committed to keeping my detachment and resolve to stick to an evolving plan with boundaries. (The other option is not a possible option.) It’s just that this small episode of emotion made me tired again. I sort of feel now that I might have to walk on eggshells around son and keep quiet except to pick my battles if needed. I don’t like and don’t want to feel that way, but it seems to easily have the potential to turn volatile quickly (on both sides) from being nice to feeling mad (??) Hmm? Thanks all for listening. I’m still weepy. It really helps to pour it out here, and hear feedback with any clues or insights and just knowing folks are there for support. It’s all good. ~K [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Losing Adult Child*
Top