I am writing this in hope that someone here can give me the strength and the tools to get through this ongoing issue with my difficult child. He is 21 years old and will be 22 in June. Over the last 5 or more years we have been like vinegar and water. Me wanting him to go to school and stay off drugs and control his anger, he telling me that I am wrong in everything I do and say and even acting out in violence such as breaking things in the house. There was one time he even ran outside, jumped on top of my truck and tried to beat the window in. When that didn’t work he broke the side view mirror off as he left. I locked the doors, called the police and before they got there he busted through the back dog door. I ran out the front door and drove away until the cops got there. Due to these incidents, and the fact that I was living alone after the divorce with his father, I definitely kicked him out and would not let him live with me. He has lived with my mother, my sister and his father and in each case he is asked to leave. I have found alternative places for him to stay every time and paid for them. The last place was unhappy with but I told him he couldn’t live with me without getting some sort of counseling. It had been a while since the angry incidents in the house but I still had a lot of fear of him staying with me. You have to understand we had tried at least 3 – 4 times over the years and it always ends the same. It had been a while so when he showed up on my door step and said, “what? A guy can’t come to his mom’s house unannounced”. I welcomed him in the house and thought maybe it would work this time. I was going to counseling at the time and things had been ok. His brother was in Indiana at the time and offered for my difficult child to come stay with him, even though he was just out of the Navy and trying to figure things out him. I helped them get a place together and even co-signed for the place, big mistake. They held up to their end of the deal for a while but eventually I was paying everything, rent and utilities and even sending money for food. That was June of 2013 and in November of 2014 my husband and I went to visit for Thanksgiving and cook dinner. The place is not the best place in the world, but when I was poor I definitely lived in worse. We helped them get some of the household things they needed and visited every day. It should be noted that before this visit, they had an argument where they came to blows and my difficult child said he was scared of his brother. His brother admitted to starting the fight but said his revenge came a week later when the Navy son was sleeping and my difficult child beat down his door and punched him in the face multiple times while he was sleeping. They appeared to have made amends and actually I only learned of the true reason the door was beat in after we left and my husband told me what he was told in confidence. Fast forward to about 4 weeks ago when my Navy son called me and was scared to go home. He said that my difficult child had been making the house environment unlivable and kept telling him that they needed to fight in order to resolve their issues. He was unwilling to do so and just didn’t engage. My difficult child just kept escalating the situation until he left in the 20 degree temps. He talked his cousins into letting him stay there temporarily and worked out a plan to get back to my house on the west coast. Now I am in my own personal Hell. My difficult child is calling continuously saying I am his mom and have to let him come back into my house. I am stilling paying the rent and the utilities and some spending expenses. He has figured out how to get food stamps but has not gotten a job, counseling or signed up for classes to better himself. He calls me and yells at the top of his lungs and cusses and calls me every name in the book and then tells me I am his mom and have to let him come back. His newest tool is telling me he will kill himself. First time was about a week ago when he called continuously two nights in a row. The ones at reasonable time I answered and he would just play loud Jim Croce music and not talk. They continued with calls at 1am and 3am until we unplugged our phone. Only to find in the morning a text messages threatening to kill himself and a voicemail saying help help help. We called is cousin who told us they had been at the bar and was fine when he dropped him off but would go check on him. I was about to call the authorities when his cousin said he was fine. This same threat continued over the next few days telling me that I had to fight with him and give him money or he would kill himself. When he threatened again in the middle of the night through texts, I called the authorities, who then called me back and said he had admitted himself. That was yesterday. I unblocked his phone from my phone cause I felt so horrible but now he is harassing me again and calling and yelling and screaming that I have to let him come home and calling me every name in the book. I tell him that we could discuss it if he went to counseling and he tells me that he doesn’t need it or will get it (depending on the conversation) if I let him come home. I am damaged, hurt, confused and actually very numb, until I breakdown and cry. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t feel that in any way letting him come back would work out ok and everyone in the family says he can’t go there, including his dad. All of his anger falls on me though but my place is where he wants to be. I think just so he can torture me in person. He didn’t graduate and has some problems with spelling and reading, Some of this is due to a learning issues and some is due to giving up on school around the 9th grade actually earlier but at least he went, sometimes. I know I have rambled but I am afraid for his life but I am also afraid for myself if I let him come back. I am in Hell.