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Losing Hope and Need Help
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 622683" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>CA Mom. Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare with your son. If you have read through any posts here on the Emeritus side, then you can see that your situation is very similar to many of ours.</p><p></p><p>You may find some comfort and some information in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also want to read the book, Codependent No more by Melodie Beattie. Detaching from our kids is usually the most difficult thing any of us here have ever done. </p><p></p><p>You have been at this for awhile and you must be exhausted from the continual struggles, the resentments, the anger, the sorrow, the fear, all of it. It is an unnatural place to be. Most of us find this site when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired.</p><p></p><p>Generally, there is nothing you can do to stop this relentless assault on you, but to stop responding to the calls. If you feel that he is in danger of hurting himself or worse, perhaps you might call the police and state that. I am not sure of the laws about that in CA. but others may have more information. </p><p></p><p>Threatening suicide is a very serious statement to make and only you can know how real that is. Just so you know, around here it is not all that uncommon. When we stop enabling our kids they usually freak out and blame us, become hostile towards us, call us names and sometimes become violent as well. It's a hard call to make to try to figure out how far he will go to try to get you to take care of him. They are like grown adults who throw a 2 year old temper tantrum. Recently we have had 2 difficult child's here threaten suicide, yours is the third. That doesn't happen in normal reality, but it happens here more often then you would think.</p><p></p><p>Your son is attempting to hold you hostage with his behavior so you will return to the time when you took care of all of his needs. It sounds as if you are an enabler and usually the first thing we need to do is to stop the giving of money, completely. It appears as if both of your sons are difficult child's and that it may be time for you to stop paying their rent, their utilities and their food, they are grown men who have failed to launch and as long as you continue giving them everything they need, they will continue needing you to do it. You will end up staying stuck exactly where it is you are because we really do get what we are willing to put up with. Don't put up with this nonsense from either one of your sons.</p><p></p><p>It is usually very important for us to get professional help in order for us to get through this. I had a therapist, a weekly therapy lead support group, this forum, and A LOT more support. It really takes a village to get through it.</p><p></p><p>The only way any of it will change is if YOU change, your sons won't, it is in their best interests to keep the gravy train going. It is in your best interests and your healths interests to STOP THIS NOW. </p><p></p><p>If you feel that the suicide threats are real, then call the police every time he threatens it, let them deal with it. Do not answer the phone. Block his number. Get as much support as you can and keep posting. </p><p></p><p>I am in No. Ca. and two years ago I entered a Codependency program through a large Substance Abuse Facility. If you are insured with the largest HMO in CA. you can private message me and I will give you the info. It was a life saver and gave me the tools to detach from my daughter. It is a process and it takes time and it hurts. It hurts a lot. That's why you need support. This is your son, these are your sons and of course you love them. The big but in that is do you want to be paying their rent and buying their food when they are in their 40's or 50's? If you don't then you must take steps NOW to stop this. You can do it and we are here to help you. We've all been in your shoes and some of us still are and some of us have moved through and we're beginning to find out what life is like when it isn't controlled by the moods, actions, choices and behavior of another person. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting it helps. If you can write a signature at the bottom of your posts so we can recall your stats, that is helpful. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself. Make time for YOU. Make sure your needs and wants come first and begin to focus on yourself and take the focus off of your kids. It is time now for you to let go of parenting and have your own life .......and only you can make that choice. I am glad you're here, I'm glad you found us. We are a group of wounded warriors here who know the trenches you find yourself in......welcome.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 622683, member: 13542"] CA Mom. Welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare with your son. If you have read through any posts here on the Emeritus side, then you can see that your situation is very similar to many of ours. You may find some comfort and some information in reading the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may also want to read the book, Codependent No more by Melodie Beattie. Detaching from our kids is usually the most difficult thing any of us here have ever done. You have been at this for awhile and you must be exhausted from the continual struggles, the resentments, the anger, the sorrow, the fear, all of it. It is an unnatural place to be. Most of us find this site when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Generally, there is nothing you can do to stop this relentless assault on you, but to stop responding to the calls. If you feel that he is in danger of hurting himself or worse, perhaps you might call the police and state that. I am not sure of the laws about that in CA. but others may have more information. Threatening suicide is a very serious statement to make and only you can know how real that is. Just so you know, around here it is not all that uncommon. When we stop enabling our kids they usually freak out and blame us, become hostile towards us, call us names and sometimes become violent as well. It's a hard call to make to try to figure out how far he will go to try to get you to take care of him. They are like grown adults who throw a 2 year old temper tantrum. Recently we have had 2 difficult child's here threaten suicide, yours is the third. That doesn't happen in normal reality, but it happens here more often then you would think. Your son is attempting to hold you hostage with his behavior so you will return to the time when you took care of all of his needs. It sounds as if you are an enabler and usually the first thing we need to do is to stop the giving of money, completely. It appears as if both of your sons are difficult child's and that it may be time for you to stop paying their rent, their utilities and their food, they are grown men who have failed to launch and as long as you continue giving them everything they need, they will continue needing you to do it. You will end up staying stuck exactly where it is you are because we really do get what we are willing to put up with. Don't put up with this nonsense from either one of your sons. It is usually very important for us to get professional help in order for us to get through this. I had a therapist, a weekly therapy lead support group, this forum, and A LOT more support. It really takes a village to get through it. The only way any of it will change is if YOU change, your sons won't, it is in their best interests to keep the gravy train going. It is in your best interests and your healths interests to STOP THIS NOW. If you feel that the suicide threats are real, then call the police every time he threatens it, let them deal with it. Do not answer the phone. Block his number. Get as much support as you can and keep posting. I am in No. Ca. and two years ago I entered a Codependency program through a large Substance Abuse Facility. If you are insured with the largest HMO in CA. you can private message me and I will give you the info. It was a life saver and gave me the tools to detach from my daughter. It is a process and it takes time and it hurts. It hurts a lot. That's why you need support. This is your son, these are your sons and of course you love them. The big but in that is do you want to be paying their rent and buying their food when they are in their 40's or 50's? If you don't then you must take steps NOW to stop this. You can do it and we are here to help you. We've all been in your shoes and some of us still are and some of us have moved through and we're beginning to find out what life is like when it isn't controlled by the moods, actions, choices and behavior of another person. Keep posting it helps. If you can write a signature at the bottom of your posts so we can recall your stats, that is helpful. Do kind and nurturing things for yourself. Make time for YOU. Make sure your needs and wants come first and begin to focus on yourself and take the focus off of your kids. It is time now for you to let go of parenting and have your own life .......and only you can make that choice. I am glad you're here, I'm glad you found us. We are a group of wounded warriors here who know the trenches you find yourself in......welcome. [/QUOTE]
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