lost and tired

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by doggy, Aug 23, 2012.

  1. doggy

    doggy New Member

    My story is pretty long. I am not a parent, but I am a loving sister and an aunt. My sister has been on a downward spiral for years do to drinking. Both of our parents were heroin addicts father died of mysterious circumstances in hotel he was also H I V positive. Mother got clean hated her married a man who robbed our home due to his own drug addictions. My grandmother raised us, and she was the most amazing woman I have ever met. She passed away of cancer 7/7/12. Due to my mothers hate for her family she refused to sign the papers to have my nana creamated she sat in the morgue for 35 days. My sister has tried her best with my nephew, private school, moving you name it she has done it. My sister is not innocent either she has been to jail a few times for forgery and she is currently serving a 17 day sentence for a DUI. My nephew is a liar thief I am sure he is using drugs and involved in gang activity arrested several times for hopping the subway. I have tried everything I am always the last man standing trying to hold everything together, I AM BREAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My nephew was supposed to show up to court never went now I am out 700 big ones. He is avoiding me like the plague. I have always been hardworking no real trouble. Of course I was a crazy teen but never into drinking or heavy narcotics. My nephew is 19 we have talked until I became constipated( LOL a lil humor can't hurt). He just does not get it and I am tired
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Glad you found us but sorry you needed to. My response will be really brief since I'm at work. I admire your efforts but in my humble opinion you are fighting a losing battle. No matter what you do or sacrafice experience shows that you can not change others. You can get sucked into an abnormal life trying to do so, sigh, but they are going to make the choices that they are going to make. Your nephew is a legal adult. You have given your all. I'm sorry. I think it's time for you to start a life of your own. Meanwhile you can continue to hope and pray for your family members. Hugs DDD
  3. doggy

    doggy New Member

    Thank you so much for your response I need it. Your right, I have an amazing fiance who says the same thing. I have always felt like I am the 1 who has to hold things together. I have so much shame and guilt. And I know guilt is a useless emotion.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If you can, maybe find yourself a therapist (therapist around here)... the shame and guilt aren't yours to start with, and it might help you move forward if a professional could help you unload that unnecessary burden so you can move forward. You don't have to stop caring... but the shame and the guilt are not yours. YOU did not cause this, nor could you have prevented it (or you would have).
  5. doggy

    doggy New Member

    I thank you for your response. I have a wonderful therapist I will be seeing him on monday. I have to REALLY LEARN TO LET GO!!!!!!!!!!! I know I can't save or help any one that does not want help. Letting go is the hard part
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You must've had a horrible childhood, and you've come through it much stronger. You can love and support your family in a HEALTHY way, with encouragement, etc., but you do not have to bail them out, believe their lies, let them use you, etc. I know you want "family" more than anything, and they're all you've got, but it's just not a healthy situation. If they get their lives together, you can all continue your relationship, but they are all adults, and you are not in charge. Who's in charge of you? We all need to catch a break now and then, but because you struggled to get your life in order and succeeded doesn't make you the bad guy if they don't do the same for themselves. Encouragement and healthy support is enough...it is plenty! Good luck at the therapist and I wish you calm, success and peace.
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Welcome to the group. You have been through a lot. You are on the right track with having a therapist. You're nephew is an adult. You can encourage him but try not to enable him. Sending hugs your way.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself in a position to be looking for us, but glad you found us. I understand your predicament. I too am from a very unstable, dysfunctional family and my role had been to be the enabler. Sounds a lot like your story. However, it is not your responsibility to care for the others, you've likely done all you can. There is likely nothing else you can do, but pray for them, and make healthy choices as to how far into their lives you really want to go.

    Setting boundaries is very helpful, deciding exactly what you're willing to do and what you're NOT willing to do, your therapist can help you with that. There comes a point, in most enablers lives when they hit that breaking point and I think that's the beginning of your own healing. It's time to stop caring for others at your expense and to start caring for you first. When you've been the enabler in an unhealthy family, it takes support to get out of that role because it's so tied in with our own self esteem and value, however, take it from one whose been there done that a very long time, you are the most valuable person in your life and you deserve to be happy. The others get to choose their own path and you are not responsible for them and you don't have to pick up the pieces of their lives. Find ways to set healthy boundaries with them, get support and go enjoy your life!
  9. doggy

    doggy New Member

    Thank you so much for all the support, on the contrary I had a good childhood due to my grandma she was the head nurse of a hospital and was a great caregiver. She was the only real sanity and stability I had until I met my fiance. Everyday I gain a little more strenghth and finding all of you has been a GOD SEND
  10. doggy

    doggy New Member

    Thanks a bunch I need all the hugs I can get
  11. doggy

    doggy New Member

    Facing the truth that I am an enabler is so hard. But I am!!! And it needs to stop I am always made to feel guilty because I am the stable one. Once again thanks for the outpouring support it is much needed