Lost my cool

[TeDo]

difficult child 1 is being difficult today. Arguing over the dumbest little things and not wanting to do ANYTHING but watch tv. I finally lost it...a yelling match ensued....I even resorted to spanking him....NONE of which makes me feel very good right now. WHY do I resort "the familiar" when I get REALLY get stressed? I hate repeating any of what my mother did so this REALLY bothers me.

I feel bad for difficult child 1 at the same time. I know his only having 8 hours of sleep is the culprit since he is used to getting closer to 11. He woke up way too early today. Right now, I made him go back upstairs INTO his bed to take a "nap". I am hoping he will actually sleep.

In the meantime, I hate when things go this haywire. I hate the monster I become when I'm pushed WAY beyond my limit. I hate what that does to him. I hate what it does to me. AND I hate that difficult child 2 is around for any of it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[InsaneCdn]

{{hugs}}
been there done that.
It's no fun.

 

[keista]

((hugs))

 

[buddy]

Oh my dear, you are not a monster. You lost your patience and I agree, that feels awful. I doubt many here would say they have not had moments they really regret while parenting. And I would bet, that compared to parents of typical teen's you make far fewer mistakes since this is on your mind all of the time. Is he on break this week? Will it screw him up for next week if he is allowed to watch tv more while on his break? (weather here is ugly, how is it down there??) Q does ok with that, I can say this is a special one time thing and he monitors that pretty well (knocking wood, this will probably all fall apart now, LOL).

I really beat myself up over my bad mommy moments. But I have also worked hard on moving past them quickly. I know the only thing that helps is to just check myself and see what I can do better next time. As long as I am trying my best to overcome, I give myself a break. You have the added pressure of wanting not to do what you experienced. I can only imagine the mixed up emotions that come along with times like that. But rest assured, you are not your mother and he does not experience what you experienced.

I hope he takes a nap and by the time he gets up that you have a plan in mind for how to schedule his day. As for difficult child 2, can you talk to him about it? Just let him know that you understand that is not fun, but you are going to try to problem solve it and just reassure him that it is all going to be OK?

HUGS to you, still wishing we were closer so we could just drive away for a break now and then.....Call me if you want! Q is still sleeping, can you believe it? I knew he was tired too. Sleep is not a good thing to miss. Really messes them up.

 

[JJJ]

(((hugs)))

 

[TeDo]

Buddy, we have Spring break next week. He adjusts pretty well to the schedule changes. It's just that last night was one of those unusual nights where he couldn't get to sleep until difficult child 2 got home (went to a different town to the movie with his Big Brother) so it was late and he was up earlier than usual. Him getting up too early happens at least once every week or two but we usually counteract that by keeping a fairly early bedtime every night.

It may not have been "right" but I did go upstairs and apologize to him for going overboard. I wanted him to realize that even I make mistakes and even I will apologize when I was wrong and that he needs to forgive others like he expects everyone to forgive him. It was a good conversation but I know he won't EVER let it go. It will be thrown back at me many times over the rest of my lifetime.

 

[Bunny]

We've all lost our cool at one point or another and I doubt that anyone here would say that you are a monster for doing it I look at it like falling off the wagon. You have to pick yourself up and start over again. I hope he takes a nap for you.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It may not have been "right" but I did go upstairs and apologize to him for going overboard. I wanted him to realize that even I make mistakes and even I will apologize when I was wrong

Of course you do this.
You just turned your problem, into a learning opportunity.
I've had to do that, too.

 

[Ktllc]

We have ALL been there done that. We have limits too and I don't think you should feel ashamed of it. Hugs.

 

[buddy]

Buddy, we have Spring break next week. He adjusts pretty well to the schedule changes. It's just that last night was one of those unusual nights where he couldn't get to sleep until difficult child 2 got home (went to a different town to the movie with his Big Brother) so it was late and he was up earlier than usual. Him getting up too early happens at least once every week or two but we usually counteract that by keeping a fairly early bedtime every night.

It may not have been "right" but I did go upstairs and apologize to him for going overboard. I wanted him to realize that even I make mistakes and even I will apologize when I was wrong and that he needs to forgive others like he expects everyone to forgive him. It was a good conversation but I know he won't EVER let it go. It will be thrown back at me many times over the rest of my lifetime.

and THIS is why you never need to worry about being your mother, <<genuine smile>>. Q holds me accountable for every little thing I have ever done wrong too but that is ok...I just remind him we all make mistakes and it is a good thing we can forgive each other.

You are a really great mom.

 

[Malika]

Ah, yes, another one that has been there done that, alas. I think maybe it's called being human But it is a horrible feeling when you know you have disappointed your own values, lost control, I really do understand. But the fact that you acknowledge it and feel bad about it just proves that you are a good person and a good parent.
Onwards and upwards... I honestly think parenting is the hardest job there is - and when you think there is no training for it...

 

[whatamess]

WHY do I resort "the familiar" when I get REALLY get stressed?

The same reason our kids resort to their familiar behaviors or comfort activities. When my difficult child starts to slide and seems to remain in a state of no progress I get frustrated and begin to demand more of him, precisely at the time he seems completely unable to comply. I am learning to accept his 'cycles' of varying ability and know that he isn't willful, but rather in what I term a 'valley'.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Yup, I'd venture to say that most of us, if not all, have gone through pretty much exactly what you described, right down to the guilt and regret. It is being human like everyone else has mentioned. And, you did correct it and apologize. I once had a teacher who said, 'life is about making mistakes, because we learn from them', and then he would say, "go out there and make some mistakes!" It took the shame and guilt away and allowed us to see that, as humans, this is how we learn. And, when we are pushed to the extremes that we are here, we react, sometimes not the way we would want to, but we do. We always can apologize and make it right, and that's what you did. Perhaps he won't let it go, but you can. Hugs to you sweet Mom, forgive yourself.

 

[TeDo]

Thanks ladies! I just love this "family". He didn't take a nap but did lay quietly for almost an hour. He came down and things were fine until difficult child 2 "pushed some buttons" and difficult child 1 ended up leaving the house saying he's "sick of" me and difficult child 2 ALWAYS being mean to him. We calmly talked in the alley and I convinced him to come back in. I reminded difficult child 2 that it's not his job to enforce my rules and that he has no authority over difficult child 1. I was able to get difficult child 1 calmed down enough to get schoolwork done and then I let him go play. He came home on time and was VERY pleasant all evening. They went to bed at our normal time tonight. I just hope he is able to recoup some of the sleep he lost last night. I don't even care if he doesn't get up until noon. He needs the sleep.

Thanks again for the supportive words. It really does help to be reminded that I am NOT alone....even in my faults.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

TeDo,

I'm getting here late but want you to know, you're a great mom!! As others said, we're only human, we make mistakes. It is impossible to be the "perfect" mom 24/7, especially when raising difficult children. in my humble opinion, raising difficult children is the toughest job on earth!! What an understatement..., lol!!

I also agree that making mistakes and apologizing afterwards creates great teaching moments. It also lets your children know you're human too, that all human beings make mistakes, deserve forgiveness.

It is hard not to repeat the mistakes of the past when parenting. I was born into a very dysfunctional family and had to work extra hard not to be either my mother or my father when parenting my own children.

Hope difficult child 1 got plenty of sleep last night. Hoping today is a much better day for all of you. Hugs... SFR