Lost my daughter for good I fear

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dotty, May 2, 2012.

  1. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Hello everyone. I needed somewhere to go to talk to update things, so here goes. My daughter moved out 7 months ago, currently living with her loser boyfriend. He's all about control and doesn't want or encourage her to have a relationship with me because if she was closer to me, he loses control. Losing control means he may lose her. It makes me sick, and I refused to let her go. I refused to believe she could just turn against me, hate me, and not even respond to my tearful text messages and phone calls, but it's what she does day after day.

    I am willing to take full responsibility for the what I did to her. I was mean to her. I rode her constantly about her boyfriend I hated. I was a bad mom, verbally abusive, mentally abusive and I drove my daughter nuts. I pushed her closer to him. I yelled, I screamed, I demanded things of her all because I didn,'t like the boy she was dating. Trying to keep her away from her ended in her becoming closer than ever, and now they are inseperable. I keep telling myself that what I did was out of love and I was trying to protect her, and while this is true, it doesn't make it right how I treated her, how I belittled her and sent her packing. This started with him almost two years ago, and since then my daughter and I have had nothing. I refused to accept him in her life. He was disrespectful, had a record a mile long, and my instincts went nuts. He is every mother's worst nightmare. But my daughter was an adult and she had every right to make her own decisions, her own choices, and I didn't let her. Had I let her, she may have chosen to end this relationship a long time ago, but now she's out to prove a point and prove me wrong. And it may well end up to her marrying this Bozo. And I cringe everytime I think about it.

    The latest, after months of unanswered phone calls, texts, etc. I finally reached out to the boy. Told him I was willing to bury the hatchet for my daughter's happiness and asked if we could talk or meet. He never called, never responded to that because truth be told that's the last thing he wants. He has my daughter with him, living with him, under his control, and inviting me into their lives could mean her leaving and perhaps coming home. He doesn't want that, and I want nothing more. I hadn't seen my daughter or talked with her,and since she wouldn't respond, I went to where she works and sat in the parking lot waiting for her to come to her car. When she did, I asked if we could talk, tears in my eyes. She pushed me out of the way to get to her car, and punched me...yes I said punched me in the heat and shoulder. As she got in her car, she told me to get out of her way or she was going to run me down. And quite frankly, I believe she was capable and wiling to do it. I never saw so much hatred, so much anger in someone's eyes. She drove home to him. When I got home, I hurt, both physically and mentally. I finally realize that my daughter really really hates me down to the core. She has no compassion, understanding, anything in her eyes. She is cold. She is filled with hate and it is all directed at me.

    I admit I was wrong; I'd do anything to change how I treated her, how i drove her away. She tells her dad she hates me, that she is never coming back to that, and I don't blame her. I promised not to be that kind of mom again but she is perfectly happy with Bozo and has no intentions of leaving the little lovenest he has built for himself. I always believed there was some hope for my daughter and I. I always believed that after time had passed, she would see things differently and miss me. The opposite is true. The more time goes on and the longer she spends with him, the further she goes and the more she hates me.

    I'm not a good mom. I do things for my kids, I buy them all I can. But that's not the mother they needed. I made Christmas, birthdays, Easters, etc. special. I spent time creating Easter baskets, filling stockings, horsepony parties thinking this is what a good mom does. A good mom is there mentally and loves unconditionally. I refused to love my daughter as long as she was with this boy and as a result I have lost her forever. So where do I go from here. I take full responsibility for what I did to her, how she feels about me. But I did the best I could and loved my kids like noone else ever could or would. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for any of them. I have and will sacrifice everything for them, and no mother could love her kids and worry more than me.

    So my question is how do I go on knowing she's really truly gone. Not just for now, but forever. She will never forgive me and I never saw such evil, hatred, sadness, in someones eyes as I did her as she was punching me. I'm still sore and have had a headache for two days....a constant reminder of my last interaction with my daughter. What do I do? How do I come to terms with this?Mother's Day is next week and I just feel so sad all the time. It's like mourning the death of a child, but my child isn't dead...just dead to me. Eveything is empty. I look at old pictures of her as a young girl and she was always smiling. She used to be happy. It wasn't always lke this. I send her the pics and remind her. I'm so desperate for any kind of response even a negative one, but I got nothing. So what do I do? I just can't bare the thought of not having her in my life. I can't accept the fact that she hates me so badly and it's killing me. And she won't even let me tell her I'm sorry or hear what I have to say. What do I do?My other kids tell me to leave her alone, but they agree that what I did to her turned her away and say it was totally my fault. They talk to her like my husband does, and they too say she hates me more than anything. So how do I go on? Is there ever a chance do you think that she will change her mind and forgive me? No one is guaranteed tomorrows and I just want to make some peace with her in the event we don't have tomorrow. This is killing me. Please help! Thanks <3
  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Dotty it sounds like you acknowledge some mistakes you made with your daughter and regret is tearing you up inside. All parents make mistakes (as my son often reminds me), see my son kind of resents that he got the control freek mom who was trying to control him and participate in his life. The 2 girls - I was more relaxed, didn't spank or give them as many chores. But I also didn't buy them a video game when they were 4yo or let them start a knife collection when they were 6yo, my son had a lot more freedom then the girls.

    It wasn't that I loved him more or less then the girls just different because he was different. He was the first so of course I made more mistakes with him, he was a boy so I was training him to be a man. I noticed the more I tried to interact with him the more time he would spend away. He didn't want me to be his friend, he just wanted his dinner and to be left alone. It wasn't until he was around 25yo did he start coming in and watching tv with me or just talk.

    Now Angel is headed into that "needs space" stage and its hard because she isn't as prepared to take care of herself as my son, since he was about 12yo my son could take care of himself. It's really hard stepping back and letting her find her independence because of her illness I know if she misses even one dose of her medications could spell disaster.

    I wish I had the magic answers for you the only thing I can think of is try to focus on your husband and other kids, they talk to your daughter if the whole family is functioning better I think they will share that with her. I guess what I'm saying is while daughter is out stretching her wings maybe work on making home a happier place that she might like to visit.

    All families are different it took me moving out before my mom & I got along but I truly didn't appreciate her until I became a mother myself. I hope you are able to find a little peace in your life.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Dotty, I can hear your pain. And how can you go on? One foot in front of the other, that's how you go on. Because one day your daughter will be alone and will need you. One day. Until then, you go on.

    Forget about Mothers Day. It's just a day on the calendar. In our household, we do not remind the kids, they have to remember on their own to say, "Happy Mother's Day." If they don't, I might feel a little sad but I shrug and get on with things. I don't want gifts, I don't want anything beyond a phone call maybe. But if my child forgets, or doesn't call me - it's up to them. An unprompted contact is gold. A prompted one has no value.

    I note you said she told her father that she hates you. That means she is talking to her father. Are you able to discuss your concerns with him? Maybe if he can be your advocate in any way, or even just keep you informed as to how things are going for her, it might help. You acknowledge the mistakes you've made and you're ready to apologise to her for them, but she is still not ready to hear. Her behaviour is also, as you have said, greatly controlled by the main influence in her life - the loser boyfriend. If she won't let you back in to her life right now, at least if she lets her father in then she has someone else to turn to when that need arises.

    I have a good fiend whose daughter went down the same path. At first my friend fought the bad boyfriend, my friend insisted he show respect to her and her husband in her own home, required her daughter to bring the boyfriend home for dinner, that sort of thing. My friend's husband would get angry with the boyfriend when he showed disrespect to his girlfriend or her mother, and that did a lot of damage. The girl was put in the position of having to choose, and with our children as they are reaching out to adult independence, if they are forced to choose between a lover or a parent, the parent generally loses. And that is often because deep down, the kids know we love them unconditionally. it's easier to express anger and hurt at someone who you know will at some level always forgive you. But the boyfriend - he holds the fear of loss of his love, as a real threat. And one day he will make good that threat. One day. Hopefully.

    Some of the conflict did come from you, but let me assure you - with control freak boyfriends, you could have been welcome, as sweet as pie to him, and he still would have found a way to control your daughter and drive a wedge between you. That is what happened to my friend. And to others I've known.

    My friend's daughter has now moved on to a new boyfriend, but it took her 8 years. I haven't heard what her new boyfriend is like, but once they've been controlled by one guy, often the pattern is set for future relationships.

    I hope your daughter can find out sooner rather than later, that you love her and want to reconcile. But you can't force it, and you can't give the creep boyfriend any ammunition.

    Talk to her dad. And be prepared to stay well in the background of your daughter's life for now. The first thing you have to do for your daughter, is write her a letter of apology. Unconditional. But she's not ready to receive that yet. Write your letter, date it, and if you are on good terms with her dad, give it to him in trust. Let him choose the right time. Even if it's in five years' time.

  4. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Any other thoughts? Not a good day today.....
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am sorry things are so rough. For now, let her go. Send a text to say hi now and then but DON"T let her keep you upset. Get a therapist and work through this that way. Let your daughter know that you are trying to fix things n yourself so that your relationship will be better in the future.

    Boyfriends come and go. I am sure you know many people who were with 'the love of their life' at your daughter's age and a few years later had forgotten the person's name, and they sure were not together ten or twenty years later. Let your daughter know that you are there, that you will listen if she wants to tlak - even if it is about how you have hurt her and how angry she is. Just as that this happen at a therapist's office. Your therapist or one she picks. That you will PAY for this if she wants to go.

    Stay on the periphery of her life in small ways. Little notes to say I love you, small gifts now and then, maybe a card wtih a fun memory that you shared wehn she was little. But no pressure to see you. Just let her know you are there no matter what.

    In time she will come back to you. Heck, look at Hound Dog's story. Her mom was abusive to all her sibs but esp to her. She was mostly raised by her gma, As a young adult she didn't want her mom anywhere near her. Slowly she and her mom created a good relationship - her mom mellowed and changed, she did too. Now? After years of swearing to NEVER let her mom live with her even if mom was on the streets, HD has invited her mom to come and move in with her for as long as she wants. Her sibs are just watning $$$ from mom, using her, only wanting her for what they can get from her. HD wants her mom to experience being with a family just because they want to spend time with you. that is what HD and her kids are offering, and it sounds like her mom might accept. SO this is awesome and they have an amazing new relationship.

    In time you will get there too. But you have to be healthy and deal with the problems in the past. You have to tlak to someone at a DV center to learn how to stay connected to a daughter who is in an abusive relationship. Because even if he isn't hitting her now, he is abusing her. But with-o the right help, you will push her further away. So work on YOU, let the DV center help you with the relationship, and give it lots of time. Find things to do when the pain is really bad. A hobby, a pet, volunteer with kids or animals, be a Big Sister. LEt your daughter know you want her in yoru life but are willing to be patient and let it be on her terms. Nothing in on her terms in a controlling, abusive relationship, so this will be new, possibly scary, and probably enticing.

    I am so sorry you are hurting so much.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This happened to me with my son.

    I tried too hard. Leave her alone. She and her boyfriend are not in a forgiving mood and anything you do will make them angry. Let your daughter come to you. You have other children who need your attention. Right now this one doesn't want it. Doesn't mean it will go on forever.

    I know how difficult it is. Please try to hang in there.
  7. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thank you all. Your words are golden and mean so much. It helps me just reading them. Hugs to all <3
  8. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I see so much of how my relationship use to be with my mother in your posts. The main difference was the only time my mother and I had that volatile of a relationship was when we were living under the same roof. It was kind of like you could only have one queen bee in a beehive.

    When I was a teenager my mother and I had a lot of screaming matches - I learned to jump fast because I never knew when her hand would come in contact with my face. I was a straight A student in school and 3 weeks before graduation she decided to ground me for skipping school (something she had ignored for 4 years) actually she didn't ground me she said I couldn't take the car. whatever

    So when my friend pulled into the driveway with her van I ran out and got in. It being a school night came home 10:25 (5 minutes before curfew) to find a garbage bag of my clothes sitting on the porch with my pillow, makeup kit and hair dryer. Key doesn't fit - locks been changed. picked up my stuff walked 2 miles toward high school and slept in tube slide in the park then in morning took shower etc in locker room and went to school. Got called to office during 1st hour.

    I'm glad only school staff saw the hissy fit my mother was throwing in that office. She was furious because when she called the police to report I had run away their attitude was honor student, working for CPA office, graduating, gonna be 18 in 2 months..... won't drag me home in handcuffs like she wants. I told her I want to talk to her but not here not now - school ends for me at 11:35 and this is the route I am taking walking & thumbing it to my work (12 miles away) that I need to be to at 1:00 - if I see you on the way I would talk would also really appreciate the ride; if not I'll call you around 10 when I get to my brothers (I was getting paid to sleep on his couch while him & wife worked midnights sitting for nieces)

    So call that night and my dad answered with my mom screaming in the background; told him I love you guys but I can't be around that anymore it's toxic. I'll call once a week so you will know I'm ok and I wrote your phone # in permanent marker on bottom of my foot so if something happens you will get a call.

    It took time (lots of it) but eventually things became civil there were dinners & holiday celebrations etc. thought everything was fine then at 20yo I was pregnant, father & I split up, my body threatening miscarriage with malnutrition I swallowed my pride and moved back in with my parents to have baby and regroup.

    My dad was great put half the rent I gave him into an envelope for me (security deposit savings) My mom tried but not so great had to watch her with stuff around baby - I had to do everything she was dangerous - rocking & singing ok but let me feed him, change him, bath him. It wasn't just that - she would sit cookies where he could see them then if he reached for one she would smack him and call him a snot (a 1yo?)

    Sorry didn't mean to write a book or go into life story when I started typing but here I sit 26 years later; I've read thru all your posts not just this thread but the other one on the over 18 forum and I remember what it was like being in your daughters shoes. I never got physical with my mother but she didn't stop me from leaving the office at school and she never approached my work place. Back when I was still that immature not sure how I would have handled it.

    It wasn't until dealing with a raging bipolar child did I learn to appreciate my mom; she gave me life, she nourished me, yes she nagged me , almost smothered me trying to keep me all to herself, but she loved me. So last night when my dad had a meeting that was going to have him out after dark I drove over there and sat with my mom while he was gone. Didn't laugh when she tried to change the tv channel with the telephone (4 times) or correct her when she showed me a picture of her sister & brother in law and said it was my grandparents. Was just glad I could have a nice visit with my mom.

    Dotty I honestly hope it doesn't take 20 years for you ... (like it did me) every time you approach, text or phone your daughter its like you are taking one step further away from her. She is going to need time and space. You seem to have so much love to give is there anywhere you could volunteer? Soup kitchen, animal shelter, retirement home, the zoo, local library ... find something you enjoy doing and try to find an activity in that area. The point I guess I'm trying to make is worrying yourself ill over this isn't productive. It seems that for the past few months you've been stuck in one place. You can't go back in time so the best thing is to figure out a way to move forward.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Dotty, I know this is not what you want to hear. I likely said the same words months ago....although maybe not this bluntly. You need help from a professional. You are stuck in a painful rut and you are the one who has to explore new ways of enhancing your life. By rehashing and rehashing the past and the problems with your daughter you are simply turning your back on a possible future that includes her as "part" of your life...she is not meant to "be" your life. Please find someone who can help you. Hugs DDD
  10. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Well I wanted to let you all in on an event that happened today that has made me realize exactly what I need to do. Perhaps it was the shove I needed; the reality check for me to realize my daughter's just not worth the pain, suffering, and tears I have given up for her. Remember the druggie boyfriend? The one I never liked, the one who promised he'd keep my daughter away from me. Well today I was served court papers by a sheriff, some order of protection type papers. There was a drug magazine delivered to his place of employment last week and he is determined to pin it on me, says I tried to get him fired. Although I could think of nothing more suiting for this loser than to lose his job, I did no such thing as send a magazine. I don't understand how a magazine like that could cost someone their job. I know who he works for; I could have simply made a phone call. In any event I have to report to court in a couple of weeks to see Bozo and my daughter who has done nothing but spread rumors and lies about me to everyone. I have a good name in ths community and don't deserve what she has done to me. I packed up the rest of the things she has left here. I plan to take them to where she works and change the locks on the door if my husband will allow me to. I can't forgive what she has put me through and what she has done and the lies she has told. I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes, but I gave her my all, and I sacrificed more than most for her to have something. I don't deserve what I get or what I got today. Her boyfriend has won. It was his plan to alienate her from her family and he did just that. He destroyed our entire family and the caused nothing but hurt, fighting and bad blood between all of us. I need to let her go and I am. She posted on her facebook for all the world to see that she punched me in the face last week and it never felt so good, and she was so proud of herself for doing it. She said she hated me to the core and she wouldn't be happy until she put me in a mental institution, jail, or worst the grave. I'm mortified, hurt, and am just plain numb. What is everyone's feelings now??? Is it possible to hate a child? Because that's what I'm feeling right now. : (
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    It is absolutely 100% possible to hate your own child.

    Get a lawyer, beat this in court, and detatch! ((hugs)) I know it hurts.
  12. Oh Dotty - I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and that your daughter is making some very poor choices. Unfortunately you can not change her. You can only change yourself. I am learning this too and it is so very hard. We alternate between sad and angry and often question our own decisions and what we have done. But we can say that we know we did everything possible to give them a good life and worked hard to be the best parents we could be. That is all we can do.

    I agree, you need to get a lawyer and beat this thing in court. You also need to print off that FB page where your daughter said she hit you and that she wouldn't rest until she saw you in jail.

    I think you should change the locks on the doors. Get one of those coded deadbolts - that way if things ever do improve with her you can enter a code in the door just for her - and if they go bad again you can take the code back out. That is what we have done with our difficult child. I've already taken the code out again - but at least there won't be changing locks on an ongoing basis - because you don't know how many keys are out there.

    I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. I'm sorry you are feeling hatred towards your daughter. Don't feel guilty about that - I think it is a natural emotion based on the circumstances. Someone told me something that helped me - she said think of difficult child like he has a brain tumour and he can't help his behaviour - he doesn't have the insight to choose to do better. That's not to say I don't get angry and you won't too but I do find it helpful for me so I thought I'd share. She is lost and possibly being very manipulated by this man. I feel that this is part of the problem with my difficult child as well.

    Big hugs to you. You will get through this - try to spend some time every day focusing on the positive things in your life. You are a positive member of your community, you have your husband and your other children. Live you life - even if it's just one step in front of the other right now. Or one breath at a time.
  13. dotty

    dotty New Member

    Thanks for your posts. And you're right I am in need of therapy and drugs! The last two years with my daughter since she started this relationship with this guy have been hell. I went to see a psychiatrists; a few of them in fact. Told I have anxiety issues and have tried medications but nothing has helped with the anxiety and stress in my life. I admit I made mistakes with my daughter. I realize that I probably was verbally abusive to her, not meaning to be, and certainly didn't want to the end result to be what it is today. I've apologized, I've wanted us to talk and communicate and try to find our way back, I even swallowed my pride and went to Bozo and asked him to bury the hatchet. Alll my efforts have been ignored. Nothing. Then I get the no contact order from Bozo yesterday and have to appear in court and my lovely daughter posts all over her facebook, "the ***** got served, let the games begin" and last week stated, "I just punched my mom in the face and it felt sooooo f....ng good." She continues to write how much she hates me down to the core and she won't be happy til she puts me in a mental institution, jail, or the grave. This is the daughter I've been trying to have a relationship with. This is the daughter I've been crying myself over for months...years since she has been with this boy. I don't know her. She is not the daughter I raised. She does hate me and perhaps she has her reasons, but I don't deserve the treatment she gives me, and I certainly don't deserve to be served with papers asking that I have no contact with Bozo, and although her name was not on the order, she will be there with him in court, I'm sure, and is behind him all the way. Her facebook posts humiliating me and venting her hatred and anger for me is plastered online for all the world to see. My younger daughter showed me and couldn't believe she would do that to me, to our family. Someone sent a drug magazine to Bozo's work. He and my daughter believe it was me trying to sabotage his job. Well, he doesn't need anyone to sabatoge any job. No doubt in my mind he will lose it because he's a loser and can't do well on any job. He was fired from a job delivering pizza and he was fired from cashiering at a gas station....need I say more. If he were doing good on this job, a silly magazine wouldn't make any difference at all. A magazine I had no part in sending. If I wanted to start any trouble, I could have simply made a phone call to my friends, the owners, and tell them the truth about him. I did no such thing. He's been at this job since October of last year, and if I had wanted to hurt him in his job, a simple call was all that would have been needed. And I thought about it many times, but never made that call because I was trying to get back in my daughter's life and I knew that I would be blamed for anything like that and I didn't want to ruin any chance we might have. So now he is worried for his job and believes it's my fault if he loses it. I finally realize that I am going to be the reason for all the bad in both him and my daughter's life until the day I die. In any event, I am still numb from being served that notice yesterday and even more appauled that my daughter said and did the things that she did to me about me. I don't deserve this. I never did anything so terrible that I should be condemned like I have been. I finally see the great pleasure she gets in making me cry, making me sad. It's what she lives for and that's a reality I will have to accept. She truly hates me and now after what she has done with her boyfriend, I can honestly say that I don't know that I want to have her in my life either. My feelings may change tomorrow and I will always miss her and wish things had been different. But I really truly don't feel there is any hope for us ever. She hates me. I saw it in her eyes before she punched me in the face last week. I heard it in her words as I read them online, and in talking with other family members who have spoken to her, she wants no part of me ever. In a couple of weeks, I will be in court sitting across the table from my daughter and her loser boyfriend. This is what has become of us. So sad. I don't think the reality of the situation has even sunk in yet.

    But I know this, she is not the daughter I thought and hoped she would be. Yes, I have made mistakes. I wasn't the perfect Mother, but she was far from the perfect daughter either. Yet in all her troubles, I was there for her. She knows how much I did for her. She knows how much I love her, yet she could still do what she did and not care about my feelings in any way. We are over and I have to come to terms with that. It's like a death of a child; I'm in mourning and I'm sad and depressed.

    I need to talk with someone and I thank each and everyone of you for being here. I suppose I haven't found the right physician to help me because in the last two years of my searching, I haven't received any help at all. Even with insurance, the out of pocket expenses are high and money is an issue for me right now. I wish there was a magic pill to make me forget, to make me feel better about the way things are in my life, but I know there isn't. I could spend years in therapy, take tons of medications, and perhaps years from now I could have some type of normalcy in my life, but it will have been too late for me and Britt I'm almost 52 and I just feel like I'm too old to change or make any difference in mine or my children's lives. They are virtually all adults. My baby is almost 18. I'm trying to have a better relationship with my youngest daughter, and I'm hopeful to have something with her. The stress in our family caused by my daughter and the void she has left in all our lives is hurtful to everyone. At the dinner table, there is one empty chair, in her bedroom there is always an emptiness because all her belongings are gone. It's not so much about her not living at home. She's an adult, I get that. But even though she lives not far away, she is isolated by Bozo, and she is happy that way. My daughter really wants no contact with me. She hates me down to my core and I am trying very very hard to accept that fact and let her go. Does it get any easier? How do you just forget one of your children. Am I really that bad? Haven't I been punished enough?There is no hope for us anymore. All I can do is pray for her happiness and well being, and I will every single day.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    One thing I can almost guarantee. If she ever dumps Bozo, or Bozo dumps her (worse), she'll come back telling you how you were right all along and blah, blah, blah.

    It would be the same with my son, however his fundamentalist religion forbids divorce so it is unlikely to happen. There is still a good chance that the Bozo relationship will implode.
  15. dotty

    dotty New Member

    So should I stop all contact with her and just accept the inevitable?
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Definitely back right off. Any attempt to force contact now is leading to hostility and aggression, it's also playing right into boyfriend's hands and also it puts you on his radar screen to attack you in any way he can. if he thinks he's won, he will leave you alone and also stop being so determined to erase you from her life. If he thinks he has already erased you, why keep trying? It's your best chance.

    Meantime, as I suggested before - keep writing letters, date them but DO NOT SEND THEM. Find a way to let her know (via her father, if it's possible; if not, then don't let her know) that there are loving letters for her to read, one day if she ever chooses to. Keep the letters loving and not judgmental. SHE is expressing hate (prompted by the boyfriend) so you should not otherwise it becomes tit-for-tat. It's also healthier for you to force yourself to be nice, especially in a letter. While you focus on hurt, anger and hate you will breed more of it in your heart. Guard yourself, for sure, but do your best to wash the anger and hate out of your heart. If the only way you can do that is to put all your focus onto some other part of your life, then do it.

    It's difficult, but it can be done and you will feel healthier than you do now. It also is your best chance for a relationship with her, one day, if/when the creep walks out on her. You have to leave the door open and hope, and not try to kick in her door in any way. Don't even go knocking. If she breaks up with the guy, don't go knocking then, either. She has to come to you. After all, she is the one who has burned her bridges. This is not you getting on your high horse, it is you accepting that she has to be ready to reach out, or you risk alienating her further.

  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Dotty. My two cents are similar to what everyone else is saying, yes you have to accept what is before you today. And that is that your daughter has made this choice to be with this guy. What you think about him and what you believe about him are irrelevant now because she is an adult. You have no more power over her or her choices. All you can do is work on yourself and heal your angers, your fears and your sorrows. Star has wonderful points to make, and now it's necessary for you to put all your energy into getting help for yourself so you can cope, be healthy and be a good parent to your other daughter who deserves you to be the best Mom you can be for her.

    You have an opportunity here to correct your mistakes with your youngest daughter. Or you can ruminate and obsess about your oldest daughter which will keep you very stuck in a hamster wheel, going round and round while you remain unhappy, angry and hurt and while your youngest daughter remains motherless. It's time to heal yourself Dotty. It's time to let go and see what is and accept it, for now. None of us know what the future is, all we have is this moment in time, this one moment for you to be a healthy, loving Mom to your youngest daughter and to learn how to live a productive, happy, peaceful life, regardless of what your oldest daughter is doing right now. That is your challenge. You get to choose. One way anger, defeat, hurt and blame. The other way, learning to forgive, to accept, to detach and to be free of the pain caused by someone else's choices. Many of us here have to face these difficult and painful choices, the alternative is to be miserable and suffer endlessly because you have absolutely no control over another's choices. I recognize the remarkable challenge in these words, said to a mother, but the only way out Dotty, is to LET GO. Hugs to you.
  18. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I think so Dotty after being served a protection order what choice is there? If you call her on the phone and she can prove it you could sit 90 days in jail, I personally prefer my own bed and a private toilet to use.

    I don't understand the court date in a couple weeks what is that for is bozo suing you or did you get charged for something? Usually PPO's don't require a court appearance by the person who receives them, yes the person who takes it out has to go to courthouse to do it, but not the person who receives them.
  19. dotty

    dotty New Member

    I must appear it's a stalking no contact order. he claims I stalk him and threatened him. No more than he does me. just a further ploy to isolate my daughter more and keep me away.he wants to control her and he does.because he pays the rent and food she is obligated to him and I worry that she's in a position where she can't get out.he has made her so dependent on him.she sees him as her hero and saviour for saving her from me actually believing she came from such an abusive home which is simply not the case.sure we fought we argued we yelled so verbal abuse...Yeah I guess u cd say that on both our parts.but there was far more good than bad and it's only became an issue since he came into our life. So sad.never anticipate d it ever going this far. is she safe? he's so controlling and manipulating she thinks she's happy.
  20. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    When you go to court do everything in your power not to let Bozo or your daughter see you cry. The fact that Bozo has hauled you to court tells me my first fear was unjustified; I've been wondering for the past week if my girls Xfather had hooked up with your daughter. But my X the only way getting him in a courthouse is in handcuffs so it's not him. There may be hope for your daughter yet.

    Right now she is starry eyed and going to have tunnel vision when it comes to Bozo, anything coming between them is unwelcome. I still think the key is within yourself; you need to allow yourself to heal there is a lot of repair work to be done in your life. I was where you are at years ago (though I had taken the roles of both you and your daughter) and the grief almost completely consumed me. It was like before I could expect anyone else to love me I had to learn to love myself. I wanted to just crawl under a rock and die - but I couldn't I had 3 kids that really needed me to survive because I was the only parent they had.

    I got help it's how I can still function today I doubt I would have survived without it; my mom never got help and it turned her into a difficult child who is lonely and bitter, and she gets really mad when people don't agree with her on everything/ anything

    I can't see into the future but either way it goes -

    She lives happily ever after with Bozo and has a half dozen little bozo's bouncing off the walls...
    The whole thing crashes & burns because she finally realizes Bozo is a CLOWN and she needs to flee...

    I still think the key is to allow yourself to heal, time will soften some of the hurt between you and your daughter (if no one is feeding the fire so to speak) and hopefully in the future you can have a relationship with your daughter if nothing else to watch the circus dwellers while she goes to see a movie.

    For a while I thought Bozo was my X if he is LIKE MY X it's only a matter of time before this whole thing blows up in your daughters face and she is going to need the loving arms of her mother to run to.

    For now figure out a way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your day. If what your doing isn't productive look for something else to do. Your kids ALL OF THEM NEED YOU TO SURVIVE!

    I know some of my posts sounded like I was scolding and I'm sorry for that, I didn't mean to scold - I'm worried, I'm a mom it's what I do! I worry because I care and Dotty as long as someone cares you will never be alone. (((hugs)))