Lost my temper

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by HopeRemains, Jan 10, 2013.

  1. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    Yesterday, husband asked me what was wrong when he called- he could hear the stress in my voice. I told him I couldn't talk about it right then and that I would tell him later. He asked me to email him about it. This was the email:

    "Well, I was watching Dr. Phil today and there was a kid like difficult child on there, video of him screaming and being physical with his mom, the mom locked herself in her room to escape him, etc. The parents said they were afraid the kid was going to hurt or kill the mom. Must have struck a chord with easy child, because he looked at me and started talking about when difficult child told he was going to kill him with a knife in the tent that time. I asked him if he was scared by that, he said yes, and that he's always scared when difficult child hits him and tells him stories.
    difficult child came home about 10 minutes later and the first thing easy child said was that he told me about the tent incident, to which difficult child acted confused and denied. I just tried to shut easy child up about it because the only other time I ever brought it up to difficult child he threw an apple and screamed at easy child that he was a liar.

    10 minutes later, again, difficult child watched the part where Dr. Phil interviewed the kid, nothing really big, the kid lied his way through it. But difficult child said "Hey, Mom, I had a bad dream last night." I asked what about. He said about zombies and one of the zombies told him to go kill some dogs. Then 5 minutes later difficult child asked me what was in my cup- Blood? And... that's about when you called and asked what the matter was."

    So, after husband read that, he called difficult child over to him and made him stand in front of him while he had one of his little "talks" with him. When he's not sticking his head in the sand, he is making things worse by treating difficult child like a normal child who might respond to the threat of a spanking, and he seems to think he can talk to difficult child enough that he will stop acting this way... While they did this, I had to take easy child into his bedroom to play, because I just don't want him to have to see that anymore than he already has. That- and I just get mad at husband when he does this, because he basically comes in, guns blazing, oh... maybe 4 times a year. It frustrates me because other than that, he mostly acts like there isn't a real problem or I am over reacting.

    After the boys went to bed, I asked husband what he thought of my email. He told me that he made sure to tell difficult child that all the gory blood talk was "finished" and that he'd better start "acting nice". Yeah, good talk. I said "But what do you think about easy child saying that he is scared of difficult child?". He rolled his eyes and told me that he didn't believe that at all, because if easy child was really scared of difficult child, he wouldn't want to go play outside with him. I got pretty irrate, which was silly, because it's nothing I didn't already realize and I am taking my little one to safety on the 17th anyhow, but I sort of flipped my lid. He said "Where's all of this coming from? Because you think it's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)??????" in a VERY sarcastic tone. I yelled that NO, it's coming from 7 years of personal experience! He really doesn't care, he really thinks that nothing is seriously wrong. I guess he thinks that our 3 yr old is making things up? Well, he's not.

    easy child and I were watching a movie (wolverine origins) and he asked me who the good guys were and who the bad guys were. He asked why some guys turned into bad guys and I told him that some people were just not nice people. He said, difficult child thinks he's a bad guy, because he likes to hurt me. husband saw nothing wrong with that, either.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    aWell, I don't think your husband is a great dad, as in your signature. He sounds immature and in denial. Did you ever ask your easy child HOW difficult child hurt him?

    The only thing I can recommend is taking easy child away with you becaue difficult child and Dad obviously aren't going to change. Your three year old is already experiencing more fear than a little one should. It's possible more and worse things have gone on than you know, but easy child is too afraid of him to tell you. Because I had a similar child, my only advice is to get your other child to safety. You can't be with the two of them 24/7 and difficult child sounds dangerous. A knife and husband doesn't really see this as abnormal? Get out.

    Did he have a chaotic early life because he DOES sound Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
  3. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    You know, I agree, MWM. He is NOT a great Dad, as I'd been telling myself all these years. I actually just had a discussion about that very thing with my Mom yesterday. When I am gone from here, I know that my mind will clear and I will begin putting more and more into place. Of course I am taking the little one with me, and I will fight tooth and nail to have either supervised visitation or visitation when difficult child isn't at his Dad's.

    I have asked easy child how he's hurt him, and he keeps bringing up the same couple of incidents. Those are enough, but there are probably more. You said in a post the other day that your Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child didn't express sexuality and you thought he was just immature. That's exactly how I think of difficult child, so it scares me because of the other similarities that they seem to share. Would you think of that as a red flag?

    difficult child did have a chaotic first few years of life. Biomom was a hard core drug addict and she is violent and selfish in any case. difficult child witnessed her attacking husband and her current husband and God knows what else all of his life. I have no doubt that she neglected him in the first year while husband was at work during the day, even if only emotionally.
  4. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    Oh, and to clarify, difficult child didn't hold a knife to easy child, he told him that he was going to.


    I can relate to a lot of this. I caught the tail end of Dr. Phil last night and since I recorded it, I will watch the rest today. husband saw the entire thing. Although husband definitely admits that difficult child has problems, he cannot stop trying to MAKE difficult child stop being defiant. And that's when I get pulled in and start questioning whether this is under difficult child's control or not. It is so confusing to me and has been for almost ten years now. I am sorry you are going through this.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hang tough....when will difficult child be moving?(oh, I think I misunderstood.....edit....sorry) Are you going to leave in addition? husband does not understand this at all, he does not understand that his son is likely hard wired this way and even if difficult child honestly promises to never do X again, the likelyhood of his being able to keep that promise is very low without intensive support guiding his actions. Having someone not say thoughts out loud is worse to me than knowing what they are thinking so we can deal with it....difficult child will still think these things.

    My son will say... "I feel like to hurt you but I am not going to do it because I know it is not right...but I am just telling you I feel that way right now".... Horrible, right? but I believe it is HUGE progress and I am proud of him for saying such things and not just impulsively hurting me.
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2013
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Buddy, I hear you! GREAT progress. Same w.my difficult child. Other parents don't always "get it."
  8. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    Buddy- difficult child here is not going anywhere, husband doesn't see any real outstanding problem and thinks we should continue to handle it "as a family". (Which means, of course, that I should continue handling it as I have for years.) husband doesn't know that I am taking easy child and leaving the state for a month or so, and I am leaving him for good. easy child and I leave on the 17th. Sounds heartless, I know, but husband is very controlling and when I have attempted to leave before he stopped me with emotional guilt. I'm sorry, I don't think I ever clearly updated on my decision to finally leave.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Stay strong, HopeRemains. I'll be watching the calendar and thinking of you and easy child.
  10. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    Thank you, Terry. I appreciate all the strength and support I can get right now!
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    oh gosh, no dont be sorry, since I was sick for a few days I was mixing my posts up...so I am the one who is sorry. I am sad for you that you had to make that decision but proud of you for doing what you feel is healthy for easy child and right for you at this time. You can't be good to anyone if you are at the end of your rope. I am hopeful that this will be a huge wakeup call to husband (or soon to be ex) and he will man up and do what he needs to for difficult child.

    Really hoping for you....sending support and strength.
  12. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    Buddy- Thank you. I had noticed that you weren't around for a few days, I hope you are feeling better! And there seem to be a plethora of posts that seem similar to my situation right now, unfortunately. I'd confuse them if I weren't following them so intently!
  13. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    HR, I applaud your bravery in taking easy child and leaving. I will definitely be thinking of you in the coming days and wishing you well in your escape plan. I too have a 3 year old little boy - I can't imagine how awful it has been for you and him to deal with your difficult child's issues. Please take care and stay strong!
  14. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    HR, I'm sorry that it had to come to this, but I think that you are making the right decision, both for you and for easy child. He needs to be protected and if your husband is not going to get his head out of the sand and see what is right in front of him it is up to you and you alone. I'll be thinking about you both.
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HR, I am very glad that you are leaving and taking easy child. I agree that once you are away, your head will clear and you will see just how much has been out of your awareness so as to keep things the way they were, we humans excel at that. Your husband is in the kind of denial that allows harm to come to a child and it's likely part of the issues difficult child has had to deal with as well. You are the beacon of truth and unfortunately, in the land of denial, that is an unpopular position. I am proud of you for taking action and following through, trusting your self and protecting your easy child. Good job.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know if it's a red flag, but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids have usually been sexually abused along the way because their parents don't watch them or care who comes and goes into their homes. Drugs addicts are notorious for letting anything in the house, many of them dangerous to children. I think any Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid is at risk to sexually perp. Also, if the birthmother used and drank while pregnant, who knows if the child also has drug-related organic brain damage? I just think you should get your precious little one out of there rather than see if it's true or not. I'm really angry at your husband. Why didn't he take his son out of that environment? He is partly to blame. No wonder he feels guilty. He should. Gentle hugs :)
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dont be so sure. Kids are terrified of dangerous difficult children when they live with them. Obvioiusly easy child has seen him with a knife. I didn't know it at the time, but my Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid used a knife to force my other kids to do his bidding, whatever that was and they never told me much until about six months after he was gone...they had to be sure in their little minds that he would not come back and punish them for telling on him. It was really very sad.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    You need to have docymentation of difficult child's issues if you hope to have the court order no contact or supervised contact between the kids. And documentation that dad does not take it seriously. Otherwise, the court may trust dad to keep him safe on his visits.
  19. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    JJJ- I guess that I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I have some videos of difficult child's rages and also some communication between the therapist and I. Not a whole lot to go on, unfortunatley, but I would hope that it helps. And I think that while husband would try his best to minimize the behavior, he would not deny the things that have happened... IE: two front teeth chipped on easy child from difficult child kicking him face first into a coffee table when he was 1 yr, difficult child stabbed easy child in the hand with a fork... those are the two things that seemed the worst, but to hear those might get more attention than if I concentrated on the small, constant hurts. husband will not deny that those happened, but he will try to minimize.