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Lost on how to handle my 8 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="Roxona" data-source="post: 682097" data-attributes="member: 19076"><p>Hi Wwise. I'm a stepmom, and I understand what you are going through. I have SS10, who is very much like your SS8. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My SS10 was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 3, maybe 4, and was on medication prior to going into kindergarten. He lost his mother to cancer when he had just turned 7, and I entered his life shortly before he was 8. Even on the medication his behavior at home and school had been disruptive and out of control. Lots of explosive temper tantrums if he didn't get what he wants. Obviously, the medication wasn't working, and we ended up taking him off of the medication to get a baseline and to see if we could help him learn how to control himself with behavior modification. I am the first relatively consistent person in his life. He has learned a lot, but is still having a lot of trouble acting appropriately. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This here is exactly why it does matter. I am going through the same thing with SS10. He was old enough to know his mother, and he hates that I'm here instead of her. He hates that I've made a ton of changes in how the house runs and that there are now rules he has to live by. He went to grief counseling for a year after his mother died, but his father and I feel he hasn't really dealt with the loss of his mother. He won't talk about her much, and when he does he blames himself because he was hard on her and made her cry a lot. He gets very angry at SS6 if SS6 talks about her. Have you had your SS8 in to see a counselor? I think abandonment would feel worse to a child than losing a parent to death because it is an active choice of the parent to leave. From what you describe below, he is clearly angry, and it sounds like a lot of it has to do with this issue. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In addition to ADHD, my SS10 has been diagnosed with attachment disorder and has an emotional growth of a 3 year old. He exhibits a lot of the same behaviors you have listed above. The therapist stated that at some point when SS10 was small,l he experienced a trauma and his emotional growth stopped. My husband can't recall any kind of trauma other than his brother being born. By your account, you would have entered his life when he was about 3. How was your SS8 as a baby? When did this type of behavior start? Does he know how to self-soothe? These are questions the therapist asked us. She explained that when a child plays with their toys, they are working out what has happened to them in their play. It helps them to understand what is going on and soothing themselves at the same time.</p><p></p><p>Your SS8 is very angry, and it seems to me he doesn't know how to deal with his anger appropriately. Has he been fully evaluated? To me, I think that would be the first step, and then counseling to help him learn how to deal with his anger and how to self-soothe. He has experienced a lot of grief in his few short years. A lot of adults wouldn't know to deal well with abandonment. Can you imagine how impossible that would be for a child who doesn't even have the tools to deal with the loss of a goldfish, much less his father?</p><p></p><p>This will take time and patience. A lot of it. If one counselor isn't making progress over time, you may have to find another.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have experienced the same thing. SS10 thinks I am the bad guy because I came into his house and changed all the rules. SS10 fights me and his Dad with every fiber of his being. The stress has gotten the better part of me, and I have had to disengage somewhat. Right now I try to leave all the disciplining to his Dad. When his Dad is home, I do my very best to stay out of it. It’s hard to bite my tongue sometimes, but it’s better for my sanity. I also try not to tell SS10 to do anything over and above what he would normally have to do. I ask my husband to tell him instead. The night time ritual is beyond difficult every night, so I no longer participate. I have basically made my husband parent his child 100% while he is at home. We are trying to become a united front and have come up with certain expectations for the morning routine, as well as the after school routine. If either boy doesn’t comply with the morning routine, then the consequence is they will not be able to use their iPad in the evening after dinner. If either boy fights me on homework after school, then they know they will go to their room until their Dad comes home to deal with them. I had their Dad present this to them, so they will think it is coming from him and not just me.</p><p></p><p>I’m glad you posted today. Some of the things you posted have made me think some more on how we are approaching SS10. I hope that some of what I written will be helpful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Roxona, post: 682097, member: 19076"] Hi Wwise. I'm a stepmom, and I understand what you are going through. I have SS10, who is very much like your SS8. My SS10 was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 3, maybe 4, and was on medication prior to going into kindergarten. He lost his mother to cancer when he had just turned 7, and I entered his life shortly before he was 8. Even on the medication his behavior at home and school had been disruptive and out of control. Lots of explosive temper tantrums if he didn't get what he wants. Obviously, the medication wasn't working, and we ended up taking him off of the medication to get a baseline and to see if we could help him learn how to control himself with behavior modification. I am the first relatively consistent person in his life. He has learned a lot, but is still having a lot of trouble acting appropriately. This here is exactly why it does matter. I am going through the same thing with SS10. He was old enough to know his mother, and he hates that I'm here instead of her. He hates that I've made a ton of changes in how the house runs and that there are now rules he has to live by. He went to grief counseling for a year after his mother died, but his father and I feel he hasn't really dealt with the loss of his mother. He won't talk about her much, and when he does he blames himself because he was hard on her and made her cry a lot. He gets very angry at SS6 if SS6 talks about her. Have you had your SS8 in to see a counselor? I think abandonment would feel worse to a child than losing a parent to death because it is an active choice of the parent to leave. From what you describe below, he is clearly angry, and it sounds like a lot of it has to do with this issue. In addition to ADHD, my SS10 has been diagnosed with attachment disorder and has an emotional growth of a 3 year old. He exhibits a lot of the same behaviors you have listed above. The therapist stated that at some point when SS10 was small,l he experienced a trauma and his emotional growth stopped. My husband can't recall any kind of trauma other than his brother being born. By your account, you would have entered his life when he was about 3. How was your SS8 as a baby? When did this type of behavior start? Does he know how to self-soothe? These are questions the therapist asked us. She explained that when a child plays with their toys, they are working out what has happened to them in their play. It helps them to understand what is going on and soothing themselves at the same time. Your SS8 is very angry, and it seems to me he doesn't know how to deal with his anger appropriately. Has he been fully evaluated? To me, I think that would be the first step, and then counseling to help him learn how to deal with his anger and how to self-soothe. He has experienced a lot of grief in his few short years. A lot of adults wouldn't know to deal well with abandonment. Can you imagine how impossible that would be for a child who doesn't even have the tools to deal with the loss of a goldfish, much less his father? This will take time and patience. A lot of it. If one counselor isn't making progress over time, you may have to find another. I have experienced the same thing. SS10 thinks I am the bad guy because I came into his house and changed all the rules. SS10 fights me and his Dad with every fiber of his being. The stress has gotten the better part of me, and I have had to disengage somewhat. Right now I try to leave all the disciplining to his Dad. When his Dad is home, I do my very best to stay out of it. It’s hard to bite my tongue sometimes, but it’s better for my sanity. I also try not to tell SS10 to do anything over and above what he would normally have to do. I ask my husband to tell him instead. The night time ritual is beyond difficult every night, so I no longer participate. I have basically made my husband parent his child 100% while he is at home. We are trying to become a united front and have come up with certain expectations for the morning routine, as well as the after school routine. If either boy doesn’t comply with the morning routine, then the consequence is they will not be able to use their iPad in the evening after dinner. If either boy fights me on homework after school, then they know they will go to their room until their Dad comes home to deal with them. I had their Dad present this to them, so they will think it is coming from him and not just me. I’m glad you posted today. Some of the things you posted have made me think some more on how we are approaching SS10. I hope that some of what I written will be helpful. [/QUOTE]
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