Lots of relief, birthmother for N's update, just general vent

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Feb 19, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In counseling, N. admitted that she is happy that me and her birthmother are in touch and she likes seeing the pictures that are sent, but she doesn't want to meet her yet. That works out well because her birthmother's hub is "iffy" about contact at this point--they have three kids.
    Meanwhile, N. no longer is sad that maybe birthmom didn't love her or gave her up because "something must have been wrong with me." She knows her birthmom cares about her a great deal. The birthmom is awesome, thanks us for giving N. a good life all the time and says "she's your daughter, not mine." We have been writing back and forth like old friends as I share pix and stories about N. and we have also talked about our own lives because we had been good friends before the adoption. So she doesn't have to worry about N. and N. doesn't have to worry that her b-mom didn't care for her. N. seems very content and not overly obsessed with b-mom anymore. It is turning out good.
    In counseling, we all decided, N. included, to forget about felon birthfather and his family for right now.
    I just wanted to share this. Perhaps we are luckier than some in that N's birthmother is a thoughtful, caring, mature young woman. She is also very courageous. So many birthmother's back off on the adoption at the last minute, but she saw it through because she felt that N. would be better off in a two parent home and FAR away from birthfather. She is not a drug abuser or dysfunctional so one day, when we all meet again, N. won't be thrown into a dysfunctional relationship. I see a lot of N's stability as some good genes from birthmother because they sure as HELL didn't come from her birthfather.
    Thanks to all who read my angst over this and who bothered to respond to it. I wanted to give everyone an update. It couldn't be turning out better. Our adoption counselor has called this "A picture book adoption" because N. thoughtfully picked us, we loved each other, and our interests are that N. comes first. I wish all my adopted kids had this type of adoption, but...oh, well. Anyway, thanks again for all who supported me.
  2. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    That's really good news. It's good validation that you've done the right steps in ensuring that this goes as smoothly as possible.
  3. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Aww, MWM, how great to read. I'm so glad things are going the way you want them to. And, really - things sound so positive for N.

    I'm glad N doesn't want parts of biodad. None of you need that.

  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm glad to hear about your update.

    Sounds like N's Mom is a GREAT Midwestern WOMAN! ;)
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OOOOoooooohhh, MWM, that is wonderful! I am twirling around and doing a Happy Dance for all of you. Your hard work is paying off. Way To Go.
    Hugs all around!
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I'm glad all is well. -RM
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so glad this is turning out so well. N really needs this, and I think you do too. N and her biomom are blessed to have you be the adoptive mom, and you are blessed to have N.

    Thanks for the great update.
  8. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    You certainly offer hope for the situation my own N* is in. I hope she will decide to place her baby for adoption with a wonderful loving couple, and allow herself to grow and mature AND FIND THE RIGHT MAN before she gets pregnant again.

    I'm happy for all of you.
  9. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    You gave me the goosebumps! I am so happy for you, this is turning out to be a positive thing. You are a GREAT mother! This sounds like a very healthy situation. It could have gone the other way. N is very lucky.

    I am glad that she has chosen to let the father situation go for now. Smart choice. Things are going so well with regards to the biomom, I would hate for her to be disappointed and hurt by the biodad.

    Keep us posted. :)
  10. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    See what can happen when the child is put first....... wow, a great chapter in N's life...... good for you too in not being so paranoid that you couldn't/wouldn't explore this for N!! Thanks for the update.....
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad this is the way it turned out. I know you are very relieved and it does sound like N has some peace of mind now.

    I am still trying to get in touch with the adoption social worker in charge of reunifications. I have left numerous voice messages for her over the past four weeks and she has not returned any of my calls. difficult child will turn 18 in 3 1/2 months and we have decided it's time that she meet her. I hope ours turns out well and she answers some of difficult child's questions.

  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all of you well-wishers.
    Nancy, I really hope so too. Maybe she will have some peace of mind. Or maybe she will meet her and see you in a new and more attractive light. I wish you both the best.
    Maddening when workers don't call back, isn't it??
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm glad this is working out so well. Congrats.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    That sounds like a really good outcome, especially considering your ealier concerns when birth-mother seemed to be cutting off contact.

    I do wonder about birth-mother's current husband and his negativity over it - it could simply be that he's afraid of wither sharing her, or of her getting hurt through this process, because as your counsellor said, so often these contacts don't go well. He needs time to be reassured that this won't make for bad, dreastic change in his life. Also, depending on how effective he is in trying to control his world, there may be times when you leave messages wtih him and he may not pass them on.

    Or he may simply be concerned for his wife but willing to let her take the lead.

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Marg, she said he feels "threatened." Not sure why. He does have three boys. N. is from another relationship. Since she initially thought her oldest son belonged to N's birthfather, rather than hub, N. could bring back bad memories for him. At any rate, there ARE the little guys to consider and N. is handling it fine. She seems very content knowing I"m writing to birthmother and that birthmother loves her. She seems to hav a mature understanding of how b's hub feels and no real need to see birthmother right now. We all decided that we'll meet when everyone involved is ready and N. seems good with that for now. She says she likes her life and has no desire to live with b-mom--the fantasy seems to be nipped in the bud at least for now. So we shall see.