Love My In-Laws...

[Bunny]

Really, I do, but sometimes I don't think they are ever going to truly get it.

they were here this morning because mother in law asked me to help her register for a library program, but you had to do the registration on line. It's not the first time she has asked me to help her with this and she usually comes down to the house alone, it it was snowing this morning and she won't drive in the snow. Not even around the corner to my house. So, father in law drove down with her. After I got the registration done for her we were talking about the kids and how I thought difficult child was going to give me a hard time about going to school this morning because one of his teachers told the class yesterday that there would be a two hour delay this morning and there wasn't. That moved to difficult child is going to start high school next fall and can you believe that and then we started talking about him going to college. I said to mother in law, "Oh, did I tell you that difficult child has now decided that he wants to go to them North Miami campus of Johnson & Wales?" We were talking about that when father in law says something about him living back home. So I said that husband and I have talked about this and difficult child is not allowed to come back here to live after he graduates from college. If he wants to come back to this area, that's fine, but he's not living back in this house. I'm done.

father in law looked at me and said, "You can't do that. He's going to need to find a job and a place to live. We let all of our kids comes home."

I reminded him, and not for the first time, that his kids have never said to their mother, " Do I have to beat the s**t out of you, because I can do it, you know. I'm bigger than you!" His kids never punched holes in doors and walls. His kids never pulled a knife out of the drawer and threatened one of the other kids with it.

His reply was, "Well, no, but they did other things."

"Other things" is just not the same. He is never going to get that this child is not the same as his kids were And yes, as his mother I have the right to say he can't live here any more.

 

[StressedM0mma]

It took my OWN mother a long time for her to finally "get it" and I still don't think she does completely. My mother in law though, as much as we do not get along, she gets it better. She has her own mental health issues so it is easier for her to understand. But, I do not plan on letting difficult child come back here either.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Hi Bunny - No disrespect intended but I had to laugh at the "they did other things" statement...lol. Give me one solitary day of "those other things" and I'd be totally thrilled...lol. husband just fixed all the holes and cracks in doors as best he could. I think he'll have a fit if difficult child wrecks them again. In terms of college, difficult child is only in sixth grade but since we're basically not doing well there, I can't even imagine him going to college.

 

[Bunny]

And I'm sure that the "other things" that they did were pretty typical teen and young adult boys things. I would love to have those "problems", too.

father in law said to me, "You're going to let him be homeless?" No. I will help him find a place to live of it comes to that, but the rest of us, easy child and myself especially, have done our time in purgatory. We deserve some peace.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

You should ask your in-laws if he can live with them...

 

[DDD]

Since I am a far too experienced Grandma, may I suggest you consider changing the words that you use?? Yeah, I know, it is "more" role playing but wth. There is no need to upset In-Laws you love and who love your family. Perhaps you could avoid the subject as much as possible and focus on the positive then when the subject comes up of where difficult child will live after he completes his school use a loving smile and tone of voice and say "we will be eager for him to test his wings as an adult" or "husband and I expect he will find a place that will allow him to enjoy life as an adult".

Yeah, I know, the end goal is the same but if put in a positive light his grandparents will have time to absorb the idea that he will be an adult and he will be able to make choices and the whole family will support him. A much better picture than difficult child living on the streets begging for leftover McD's. Hugs DDD

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm sorry they don't get it. Sometimes, I think, if you don't live with a difficult child then it's so hard to understand. Sending gentle hugs your way.

 

[svengandhi]

We live in the same area. Kids can't support themselves here after school. Most people I know have adult kids living with them, even me. My oldest son left home at 18 to live with 2 friends whose parents had died. He paid no rent and barely worked. We made him leave because he dropped out of college and his, attitude towards us was abysmal. He then moved into his girlfriend's grandparents' home (her dad is dead and her mom is permanently in a nursing home). We made him come home last year because their house was even messier than mine. Anyway, the time away has improved his attitude, as has some maturity. He's 22 now.

My point is that it's really hard to know how they will be in a few years. Hopefully, your difficult child will mature as well and maybe at some point you could consider having him home. on the other hand, if he truly does go Johnson and Wales, he could get a job almost anywhere in the country.

As for the in-laws, I would avoid the subject all together. My mother in law is oldest boy's champion but she wasn't asking for him to live there. I also like DDD's approach.

 

[susiestar]

Just like most of us cannot understand what it is like to be blind, your inlaws are UNABLE to understand what your life was like when difficult child was home. This isn't a conversation worth having, in my opinion, because all ti does is set up conflict and judgment. Maybe if you rehearse things like "we cannot know how to help him until he has graduated, so we will decide then" for times you need to just end the discussion without going into details, you can ease the conversation back onto positive territory.

You cannot teach a blind person to appreciate the color red, and you cannot get your inlaws to understand life with your difficult child. It is what it is, and by learning to steer the discussion elsewhere, you ALL win. WHat difficult child will and won't need after college simply isn't relevant today. ESPECIALLY with he grandparents involved!