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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 649934" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh, I think we have a choice Alb. The acceptance/lack of acceptance is inside us. Of course, their behavior is going to happen anyway, and you and I both know that. But the difference is whether or not we are actively resisting their behavior on and on and on. For me, I have (somewhat) relaxed into realizing that it is what it is, and things are as they are. It might get better and it might get worse. Right now, I am cautiously optimistic, but I am keeping my distance and continuing to work on my own head, because that is where I get into trouble. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, I was one of those poor fools for a long, long time. What did I know about this disease? He was my son. That trumped all. Over and over again, I did the same things, and got the same result. I was banging my head against a solid brick wall but you couldn't tell me differently. I kept thinking the next thing, the next help, the next day, would be the change I wanted to see. I was going to fix it or die trying. </p><p></p><p>Hello????</p><p></p><p>Until I was completely nuts with it. My life was out of control and I ran right back to AlAnon when I started realizing. This time in Al-Anon I was ready to work the program. The first time I was in Al-Anon for about 18 months I grasped some of it, but I was so over my husband and his stuff that I believe I was just looking for a way out of the marriage and the courage to do it. (wow, I have never written that before.) Anyway...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think the no judgment, the no expectations, the acceptance has to do with my state of mind. Not what he is or isn't doing. </p><p></p><p>Of course, the things my son did as part of his disease were wrong. He hurt himself, he hurt society, he hurt his family and friends. Many of the things were against the law and/or immoral. Many were just stupid. This disease is an awesome thing. As is all primary mental illness. What still gets me, is just the thought that denial itself is part of the disease. The disease is so cunning, so canny, that it grabbed onto denial and drew that into the mix so that the person who is so sick doesn't even believe they are sick, when the vast wasteland of evidence is so clear to anybody else who looks at it. Crazy!!!!</p><p></p><p>So when it comes to judgment, it is clear the behavior was wrong. </p><p></p><p>Yep, as you said, some of our children are downright predatory. My son's addiction had him looking into my eyes, crying and sobbing, telling me I would never steal from you, Mom, what kind of person do you think I am? I can't believe you would accuse me of this...blah blah blah. And all the while my stuff was in the trunk of his car. That is unbelievable to me. As I've said, my exhusband had to walk in on the evidence before he would deal with it---the sports cards all over the upstairs bedrooms and my son's computer open to the website with the pricing. He was stealing his dad's cards and selling them, but my ex-husband kept on allowing him to live there and have "beer, whatever..." in his room, because "one alcoholic helps another." Nuts. </p><p></p><p>We are nuts too. </p><p></p><p>So....back to the discussion. Where is my peace? That is what I am seeking every single day now. Peace lies in the land of no judgment, no expectations, acceptance. The umbilical cord is no longer connected between my son and me. I cut it. Just a few years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, as he cried and sobbed and begged and lied and stole and used. </p><p></p><p>I had to admit I could not save him from himself. That was so hard for me. I had to admit he might never have a good life, he might be in prison for years and he might die. But how was I going to protect him from all of this? I would have to literally <strong>be him</strong> to do it, and I started learning I was not him and he was not me. That sounds fundamental, but I had to start there. </p><p></p><p>My peace comes when I can say this: you are who you decide to be. You will do what you decide to do. I love you. I wish the very best in life for you. Let me hug you and lay eyes on you and wish you well. And then let you go again, to the world, to the universe, to my Higher Power (and yours). You are 25 years old and it's your life. </p><p></p><p>That's where my peace comes from---learning to actually live into those words. Some days are much harder to do than others, but the string of days where this is possible is longer and longer. Thank goodness for the tools of help and change. Without them, I'd be still doing the same things over and over again. </p><p></p><p>Alb, warm hugs to you today. I think this thread is a good one.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 649934, member: 17542"] Oh, I think we have a choice Alb. The acceptance/lack of acceptance is inside us. Of course, their behavior is going to happen anyway, and you and I both know that. But the difference is whether or not we are actively resisting their behavior on and on and on. For me, I have (somewhat) relaxed into realizing that it is what it is, and things are as they are. It might get better and it might get worse. Right now, I am cautiously optimistic, but I am keeping my distance and continuing to work on my own head, because that is where I get into trouble. Well, I was one of those poor fools for a long, long time. What did I know about this disease? He was my son. That trumped all. Over and over again, I did the same things, and got the same result. I was banging my head against a solid brick wall but you couldn't tell me differently. I kept thinking the next thing, the next help, the next day, would be the change I wanted to see. I was going to fix it or die trying. Hello???? Until I was completely nuts with it. My life was out of control and I ran right back to AlAnon when I started realizing. This time in Al-Anon I was ready to work the program. The first time I was in Al-Anon for about 18 months I grasped some of it, but I was so over my husband and his stuff that I believe I was just looking for a way out of the marriage and the courage to do it. (wow, I have never written that before.) Anyway... I think the no judgment, the no expectations, the acceptance has to do with my state of mind. Not what he is or isn't doing. Of course, the things my son did as part of his disease were wrong. He hurt himself, he hurt society, he hurt his family and friends. Many of the things were against the law and/or immoral. Many were just stupid. This disease is an awesome thing. As is all primary mental illness. What still gets me, is just the thought that denial itself is part of the disease. The disease is so cunning, so canny, that it grabbed onto denial and drew that into the mix so that the person who is so sick doesn't even believe they are sick, when the vast wasteland of evidence is so clear to anybody else who looks at it. Crazy!!!! So when it comes to judgment, it is clear the behavior was wrong. Yep, as you said, some of our children are downright predatory. My son's addiction had him looking into my eyes, crying and sobbing, telling me I would never steal from you, Mom, what kind of person do you think I am? I can't believe you would accuse me of this...blah blah blah. And all the while my stuff was in the trunk of his car. That is unbelievable to me. As I've said, my exhusband had to walk in on the evidence before he would deal with it---the sports cards all over the upstairs bedrooms and my son's computer open to the website with the pricing. He was stealing his dad's cards and selling them, but my ex-husband kept on allowing him to live there and have "beer, whatever..." in his room, because "one alcoholic helps another." Nuts. We are nuts too. So....back to the discussion. Where is my peace? That is what I am seeking every single day now. Peace lies in the land of no judgment, no expectations, acceptance. The umbilical cord is no longer connected between my son and me. I cut it. Just a few years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, as he cried and sobbed and begged and lied and stole and used. I had to admit I could not save him from himself. That was so hard for me. I had to admit he might never have a good life, he might be in prison for years and he might die. But how was I going to protect him from all of this? I would have to literally [B]be him[/B] to do it, and I started learning I was not him and he was not me. That sounds fundamental, but I had to start there. My peace comes when I can say this: you are who you decide to be. You will do what you decide to do. I love you. I wish the very best in life for you. Let me hug you and lay eyes on you and wish you well. And then let you go again, to the world, to the universe, to my Higher Power (and yours). You are 25 years old and it's your life. That's where my peace comes from---learning to actually live into those words. Some days are much harder to do than others, but the string of days where this is possible is longer and longer. Thank goodness for the tools of help and change. Without them, I'd be still doing the same things over and over again. Alb, warm hugs to you today. I think this thread is a good one. [/QUOTE]
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