Lsh44 - update

[LSH44]

I wanted to update the group on the situation with my daughter. I apologize for not updating sooner, but to be frank, its been too painful to write about.

She was due to leave this past Saturday, but advised she couldn't leave until Monday because the guy she was going to stay with (who lives 2 1/2 hours away in the town we used to live in), had to be home and not at work when she got there. We didn't argue, figuring that a couple days would not make a difference. As of Sunday night, however, she had not packed up her things. She had been sleeping all day, leaving to spend the night with a friend, and then returning in the morning and going straight back to bed. I tried to get her up several times on Sunday, only to be told by her to leave her alone.

Finally, Sunday night, I got boxes out of the garage and began packing her toiletries from the bathroom, CDs, etc. She got indignant and told me she would do it first thing in the morning before she left. She did get packed up to leave, however we had severe storms hit the area between here and where she was to drive to, and my husband and I both agreed that she shouldn't try to drive in them so we told her to stay the night and leave the next day, which she did.

In the meantime, she got a text from the girl that is the room mate of the guy she was going to be staying with. The girl made it clear to my daughter that she was not happy about her coming to stay there and indicated that she could only stay a few days. This girl is allegedly gay and not in a relationship with the guy. In any case, my daughter said that she spoke to the guy and he said to ignore what his room mate said. So my daughter left on Tuesday. She sent me a text yesterday evening telling me she got there okay. I texted her back and asked how it was going. She replied: "Very awkward, actually."

I got a text from her today that said: "I hate it here. It's disgusting. I got screwed. I can't stop crying. I keep being on the verge of a breakdown. I will never be able to start a life here." She called me a few minutes later and said that the girl told her she cannot be there during the day when no one else is at home. I asked what the guy said, and my daughter said he gave her a key and told her to sneak back in after the girl left. Needless to say, it's not a good situation.

I was bound and determined to be strong and so I suggested she contact the church she attended for years there, and see if anyone there can help her out with somewhere to stay and maybe help her find work. She was stiff in her response, and said she had to go. I feel certain that she wanted/expected to hear me say "Just come home honey.", and was upset that I didn't. But I couldn't. I have to do this.

My heart hurts more than I can describe. I hate this. When ever I think about her, I see her face - only its the face of her at about 9 years old and I can't stop crying until I find something else to occupy my mind. Why is it that I keep picturing her at that age? Maybe I'm the one having the breakdown?!?

I pray she finds somewhere better to live. I can't imagine what it feels like to know that you have no where to live because no one wants you there - not even your own parents. It hurts me so bad to think of her feeling that way. The guilt that washes over me when I think about that is worse than anything I've ever felt in my life.

I hope I'm strong enough to keep this up, because right now, I don't know that I am.

 

[pasajes4]

Stay strong.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Thanks for posting. You're in a tough place right now. She wants all this bad stuff to go away fast, so she will keep calling you. I know you see her as a helpless 9 y/o, but think further...if you let her back like this, it's going to be worse for you and worse for her. She has to want help and work hard for herself. She will surely come to realize this, and realize you mean it, and it's in her best interest.
I know you feel horrible now, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. Keep reminding yourself it's really for your difficult child's good. Keep posting, and know we all care about you and difficult child's welfare.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hang tough Mom, my therapist just told me that where you and I find ourselves right now is "where the real work begins." I know exactly what you are talking about with the 9 year old stuff, my mind likes to go there too, then we can be really guilty and beat ourselves up. Don't go there! Every time your mind wants to think about the 9 year old, remember all the times she was rude to you, disrespectful, obnoxious, all the reasons you asked her to leave. I look at this with myself like I have my own addiction, the addiction to enable, to rescue, to help, to step in. I have to re train my brain to stop going down those worrisome, scary roads. Just like an alcoholic, who can't take that first drink, you can't let down your guard and give in, you've got to let the baby bird fly on her own. Your difficult child had all this time to get a job, find a healthy place to live and she opted out of that, and now wants you to pay the price for her laziness, don't do it.

I'm there with you, I know how you feel, this is hard stuff to do. Look at it like it's a minute to minute issue, you keep saying no, you keep expanding the space between each scary thought, you keep finding your own life and looking for peace. AND, importantly, you get a lot of support, that's the key for me. If therapy is not an option right now, then find a CoDa group or a parent group of some kind. Keep posting here, continually if you must, so that you express all that fear within and get it outside of you. This is a crucial moment right now, stay strong. Our difficult child's are good at finding ways to take care of themselves. You did not do this to her, she did this to herself. Remember that. Since I am in the middle of my own post difficult child time now, if you feel like it you can PM me anytime and I will respond, we can support each other to stay strong. Hang in there Mom, it will get better. Let her experience her own natural consequences, that is part of being an adult, this is how you can help her to do it. Today, do something nice for yourself, something special, enjoy life just a little bit and practice expanding those moments. It's all a practice and it will improve. Hugs to you sweet Mama, I'm rooting for you here on the sidelines!

 

[DDD]

Many of the "family members" have gone thru this same situation or close variations of it. Some of them have been able to lessen their anxiety by researching options, typing up a list of shelters with phone numbers and addresses and also including info on programs like Job Corps with the easy access information. Some have included the info on how to join the military service. Do you think that might help you and perhaps your difficult child?

I am following your posts and rooting that you and your husband are able to happily enjoy your home. You are making the right choices and I am sorry they are painful ones. Hugs. DDD

 

[DazedandConfused]

It's so difficult because when we look at our difficult children we still see all the growing up years and cling to the sweet, poignant times.

She's 21 now (Mine turns 21 next month) and no longer your little girl. At the risk of come across as hardened, she needs to feel completely the consequences of her choices. If you think about it, you are both in a similar place. She is being challenged to find her own way and live her life. You are being challenged to find your own way of not enabling her and living YOUR life.

Stay strong!

 

[CrazyinVA]

Just wanted to echo what the others have said. Stay strong. She will push every button she can think of to get you to change your mind, but remember that this was her choice. She had lots of time to explore her options, and she chose not to. If to helps you to research shelters and email them to her, do it. But truthfully, until she is forced to take responsibility for herself, she won't do it. If you let her come back, you not only lose credibility, you will be right back where you started. She needs to know that you mean business. Let her figure this out. It's her job to do so, not yours.

You don't have to answer the phone every time she calls. You can let it go to voice mail, or wait to respond to a text, to give yourself time to think. This was one of the hardest thing I had to learn .. I'd look at the caller ID and think "oh no, what now?" But I'd answer anyway, and sometimes got put on the spot for an answer to a question I wasn't prepared for. Answer/reply when you're in the right frame of mind to deal with it. The panicked phone calls and texts can become another form of control ... don't let her have that control.

You can do this, and we're benind you. Hang in there.