Lying and stealing total disrespect

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bichon1, Apr 26, 2010.

  1. bichon1

    bichon1 New Member

    difficult child is 17. We adopted him from dhs when he was 8 yrs old. He has always had aggression problems. Recently he has stopped taking his Abilify and in the past 2 months we've had cops here 4 times for aggression. Cops can't really do anything except talk to him. In the last 2 weeks his stealing has progressed to taking my ATM card and making several withdrawls totally $200. He swears he did not do it, but only 3 people had access to the card and pin. He has nothing to show for the money. Last night he said he was going to the business center at our apt complex to print out a paper. That was at 11:30pm. I woke up at 1:30 am and he was not home. He didn't answer his cell phone, but called me right back and said he'd be right home. Well 15 minutes go by and no difficult child. I got my keys and realized husband's keys were gone. I go out to find difficult child and guess what MY CAR is gone. I get husband up and we go outside in time to see someone pull into the parking lot. The driver was not very good and parked by the entrance. Guess what it was my car with difficult child behind the wheel.
    We don't know what to do with him. I have put restrictions on his cell phone and grounded him. husband says it's not enough, but he won't do anything.
    Oh and difficult child does not have a drivers license or learners permit.
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    First of all...hugs.

    Second of all....I would suggest it's time for you and husband to 1) decide together what your priorities are regarding difficult child and then 2) have a Come to Jesus/Higher power meeting with difficult child. He lives in YOUR house and you expect the rules of YOUR home to be respected. If difficult child chooses to do otherwise, he can find someplace else to live. Also, if there is ANY illegal activity going on in your home or with your belongings (such as your car), you will not hesitate to call the police to report your car stolen, your card stolen, etc. Set your limits, draw that line in the sand and then STICK TO IT. If you've done all you can effectively do at this point, it's time to bump things up a notch.

    I would also start literally locking up you wallet/purse/etc. and keep your car keys on you at all times. (also, hide any spare sets of keys.) Sleep with them under your pillow if you have to. This isn't just to keep difficult child from taking the car but to keep you and husband from being liable should anything happen. I would think that you would be liable if you knew difficult child was taking the car and you didn't do anything to report or prevent it, Know what I mean??

    You and husband HAVE to be on the same page though and you both need to stick with decisions and/or consequences.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi and welcome,

    Mstang has given you some very good advice. Wanna know how she knows? Wanna know how I know it's good advice? Yeah....well you're not alone any more. Welcome to a great place to not be judged, get advice, stop feeling like you're the only parent you know who has a kid that does 'stuff' like your kid does, stop feeling like you adopted a child that was dropped off by an alien space craft or beamed up by one and dropped back off to you, stop wondering how YOU, a wonderful parent could be parenting a child who has just plum lost it's mind, stop wondering what you did wrong.....right now. We're here. We get it. You're not crazy. (okay mostly) :tongue: At the very least you're among good company who understands and honestly can't be shocked.

    So......Mstang said lock up things. Isn't that weird? In your own home huh? Makes you angry doesn't it?? Well there are two kinds of angry I think with these kids. Either the kind of angry like you had last night where you wake up and you've been violated and your stuff is gone. Or the kind of angry where you're just fed up for about another (when did you say he's 18 and legal?) few months and your home becomes your virtual and literal fortress, and you lock up everything you can because your kid can't be trusted to even be in the house while you're in the bathroom for 5 minutes and you lock up your own bedroom door. Oh and get GOOD locks - like HASP locks and master locks with a key - because those dinky door locks like you get at Kmart? (A JOKE) - mine broke a DVD in 1/2 and used it to 'jimmy' the door.....(master lockpicker that one). Or they leave your windows unlocked but down - and you leave and then they jump in the windows, or they find your spare keys, and hide them from YOU, or they find your spare keys and the next time they're out they make their own set and return yours. Heck - I put a lock on my shed and my son REMOVED THE now all my doors have internal hinges. Yeah - he was.....15. And they also learn how to slide their library cards between the cracks of the windows to open the now all my windows have bars in them. And I have a safe. And I mean - the list goes on and on.
    I have a locking gas cap too - Got tired of running out of gas on a 4 land freeway......(FUN)

    I mean - I could tell you stories that you're just beginning to get into and this is what we're here for - to LEVEL HIS PLAYING FIELD. So if you think that the things we're telling you are "it won't happen to us" kind of things - GUESS again. Investing in one of those bars for your steering wheel may work - but if he's getting your keys for the car? where would you keep the key for that? You get complacent - and they wait for that...believe me - they're masters at waiting. WE get tired.....and they take FULL advantage of that. From here on out the best advice I can give you is to know -

    YOU ARE LIVING WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER.......and treat your son as such. Lock it when you leave it? You'll find it where you left it - if you take the keys with you. GET A SAFE....and make it one he cant' carry. Also - from here on out - tell yourself anything that he tells you is a lie. Let him work his way back from that minute by minute. Every time he lies again - tell yourself again - EVERYTHING HE TELLS ME IS A LIE. (repeat) If he manages to tell you some truth in there? Good for him....let him keep practicing. Build on it.

    As far as the medicine? Well, you can probably kiss that good bye. After a lifetime of taking them and feeling like an outcast in school anyway? I can't blame them for not wanting to take them. People put too much stock in "this pill will work" and blaming the pills when they don't. They can help him with his moods, but HE had to do the work and didn't. He chose not to. Just like he's choosing to steal your car, steal your credit card, break curfew.

    I really would do like Mstang says - and lay it out cold for him -

    DEBIT CARD GONE? -------calling the cops.
    STEALING OUR CAR? .........calling the cops.

    If you cant get help FROM the law.......then you need to make the law work FOR you. Each time under the age of 17 you call the law? You are creating a paper trail. Eventually THAT paper trail will get you into family court where you can file a petition of incorrigibility and talk to a judge about getting your son put somewhere OUT of your home. You want to get this done ASAP....because after 18.....they don't care. They're basically adults as far as the courts are concerned at 15 years 9 months and holding for 3 months in jail.

    Be aware of your states laws regarding tossing him out on the street too - you can be held accountable for his actions in some states until he's 21 - It may be worth a call to an attorney for a consult just to see where you stand legally as parents.

    I'm sorry it's come to this - but you really need to know your rights - because if it ever does get that far and I really hope it doesn't - you need to have done your homework NOW.

    Hugs - welcome
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm here to say I know exactly how you feel with this... Onyxx has been up to this for a long time... And I third Stang and second Star... 'cause they're right.

    In the meantime, invest in some nice deadbolts from Lowe's or Furrow or Home Depot. Get a brand name. Do not skimp.

    If you can... Put up a webcam. When he does not know, and somewhere he won't necessarily notice. You may need it later for proof.

    Call the cops for the theft. Also... If your city has a curfew... usually they have a later one if the child is over 14, but there is still a curfew under 18. It's a slap on the wrist, but the cops get to know the kid.

    Star's correct - this is a total stranger. Do NOT let your guard down... And do NOT feel bad or guilty about calling the cops. I've had to do it. It hurts, but it's better than the alternative.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh when did my son get a younger brother? LOL

    Im gonna give you a warning I have repeated here time and time again. Never ever let your son see the movie Catch Me if You Can. Its a difficult child's guide book to a career in conning and bad behavior. The minute we watched it with our son we just knew life as we knew it was over. And it was. son repeatedly stole my debit cards starting around 14 or 15. I threatened, I pleaded, I got mad. I hid them. I changed pins. Only thing I didnt do was charge him. I should have.

    My son stole my car. I threatened. I cajoled. I got mad. I did call the law. They never did anything because my car was always back by the time they got here. It is also called something other than grand theft when it is a family member. Unauthorized use I think. Rinky dink charge.

    I took to locking up my car by removing the battery. He got another one and hid it from me! I finally took a fuse out of the engine dept and that stopped him.

    I did get a safe that I bolted in my bathroom. My son stole my checkbooks and stole $1500 from me. I charged him with forgery. He is now a felon. It turned him around. Well so far.

    He doesnt steal from me anymore and he is so upset now when others steal from him. Payback is hell.

    I will never have checks again. He doesnt go after my debit card now though. I am rebuilding trust with him. It has taken a long time.
  6. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    My son 1st became a thief in the 2nd grade stealing a cookie from the cafeteria.... Believe it or not by 3rd grade he stole my cc to order WII points on line. While doing my online banking I discovered it and we phoned a friend who is a police officer to come to the house ( we said nothing about the incident at all to our difficult child) right before the cop came he confessed to my hubby he was in tears and hysterical and said his conscience got the best of him and he wanted a NEW conscience. Just seconds after his confession came a knock at the door and in walked the officer, He took him into the kitchen and gave him a good talking to. So far he hasn't stolen anything since (that I am aware of anyway) I try to remain positive and hope to heck he never does it again !:D