Made contact with a former friend

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Aug 25, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    And I'm not sure how I feel about it. We'd been friends for a long time, but things just kinda fell apart and didn't end well.

    We talked today and it went well. We talked quite a while actually. It was nice. But, I'm apprehensive. There was a reason things fell apart, there are trust issues, guarding of my feelings....but we had been really close at one point. She has a lot of drama in her life, and I'm wary.

    I'm just thinking out loud here. Sorting through things. I don't get close to people easily.

    I'm not even sure what prompted me to reach out other than it was last night when I was not so...ahem...stable. I mean, I've thought about her from time to time, but had had no desire to get in touch with her. And I wasn't prepared for anything other than a response to the email, if that.

    Am I being silly?
  2. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    The last couple monthes I have reached out to a few people I had been friends with. I think it has to do with changes and aging. I think some of it is also closure types of things. Not silly at all.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    heather...not silly at all and I have done it too. Just keep your guard up for the time being until you are more at ease.

    by the way...Dont feel bad...wasnt you, was me. I took my medications and fell That seroquel knocks me out fast if I lay down.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    No, Heather, you're not being silly at all. Unlike some, I am a believer that the relationship is in the past for a reason.

    I had a friend and when we were in our late teens, early 20s', we were roomies twice. Then life happened, we went our separate ways. After a few years, we made contact again and I ended up being her daughter's babysitter. Eventually, I decided to leave my exh and we decided to become roomies again...I was thinking, "Well, she's a mother now, we've both grown up, etc." Wrong. She was the same person she always was: selfish, an alcoholic, and bitter. It lasted two years and then, like a real separation, she went her way and I went mine. I have never looked back. I think of her from time to time, but I get over the urge to be her friend again. I once visited her mom (great lady!) and she gave me all the contact information for her daughter and I just tucked it away. I have no desire to go backwards and revisit that friendship. But that's me.

    I did look up a friend I hadn't seen in about 20 years when I was in FL for the hurricanes in 2005. It was nice and fun, but again, no interest in maintaining that relationship from my 20's.

    Go with your gut and if a superficial cordial relationship is all you can handle, then it is what it is. You will know.
  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I got in touch with someone that I was close with at one point and things fell apart. She admitted that she was very jealous of me and that's why things happened that did. I thought since that was out in the open that we could get past it. Apparently, she could not. My feeling were hurt once again.

    Just like with most relationships (adult ones anyway) take things slow. Don't expect anything from her. Forgive, for now, but don't forget.
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I had a really great "friendly look up". I get numbers stuck in my head, and this one phone number kept popping and popping and popping, so I dialed it. It was my best friends number from grade school. We started chatting and catching up. We got together and it was like time had never passed.

    I got married, kids etc. and the frequency died down (she ended up being my Maid of Honor), but every once and a while we'll get together, catch up and it's like time waited for us again.

    Now don't get me wrong - we had some major battles (I was absolutely IN LOVE with one of my best friends - she started to date him), but you know, time heals all wounds!

    See her, guard your feelings and you can always back away again if you don't get the "good vibe" from her.

    How're you feeling?

  7. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're being silly at all.
    You were friends and she will always be a part of your life, even if you never speak again. LIfe is too short to hold grudges and stay mad. That does not mean that you have to put up with other people's bad behavior but if things went well, why not see where it leads? If there are trust issues, that is fine. You are aware of that. Don't disregard it but maybe work around it. I have one or two close friends whom I would trust with my life and a lot of not so close friends that I wouldn't trust with my life or my closest secrets but, knowing that, I can still enjoy my time with them. You may never be as close as you were, but that is OK. If you are willing to forgive whatever she did up to the point of speaking and visiting, go for it. Even the not so close friends are not that easy to come by.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're being silly.
    I am still friends with-a friend with whom I've had a cpl of falling-outs and I am always wary. Usually, if she says something and acts like she wants help, she actually wants me to reinforce her opinion. She doesn't really want to know what I think. So I am careful to steer away from being "too helpful."
    She is a lot of fun and can be sympathetic, but she doesn't have any kids (and she literally hates my difficult child) and is divorced, and she is in financial straits. She has always been jealous of our supposed "wealth" and makes snippy remarks every now and then.
    Now that I know what the issues are and what her hot buttons are, I can go out and have fun with-her. But I have learned that she can no longer be my very best friend in the whole wide world.

    That doesn't mean we can't still be friends and have fun. Just that it has its limitations.

    I think it is great that you and your friend were able to have a nice chat. From what you say, (guarding of my feelings") I would suggest mentally drawing up some guidelines so that if she gets too invasive, nosy, or whatever, you can say, "Well, that's certainly something to think about," or something vague, and then change the subject.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Some old Arab saying I read once:"Forgive the one who steals from you, but lock up your camels."

    Take it easy, play it safe, keep your heart guarded especially while you are vulnerable.