Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Magical Thinking
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 637994" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>This is the sort of thing my gfgbro used to do. If he had no child, or his child's mother was out of the picture, he would likely still do it. I still remember the first family meal that husband came to. Shortly after he arrived, gfgbro announced that he was going to walk to Washington. No clue which Washington, mostly he just made announcements like this to create drama and esp conflama (conflict plus drama) and to see if he could get my mother upset. </p><p></p><p>My mom's reaction was AMAZING! "Where are you going to put all of your stuff?" At the time he spent much of the year living in a tiny travel trailer in another state while he kept all his junk in his old room at my parent's house. The idea that he was expected to get his stuff out of my folks' house pretty much shocked him senseless and he didn't go into any more plans.</p><p></p><p>He very likely might have taken off on a bike to cross the country though. </p><p></p><p>One thing you need to remember: difficult children almost ALWAYS find someone to help them. There is always someone who sees them as a poor stray puppy who needs help and love and care and this person gives rides, food, shelter, etc... If they are traveling, when Rescuer A gets fed up/used up, they find Rescuer B, C, Q etc... because they never use up the available pool and because word doesn't spread that they are not the poor sweet stray puppy the rescuer first thought.</p><p></p><p>Your son will call with tales of woe and need. Be ready with phrases that tell him that you know he can find whatever he needs and practice saying no to requests for food, bike parts, etc... He left on the journey and a big part of his journey needs to be standing on his own feet and figuring out how to navigate the world without the safety net of mom and dad to rescue him. You might offer to google the area to find shelters if he doesn't have access to a computer. Or he can ask a local cop - they always know where the shelters are.</p><p></p><p>In the long run, rescuing him is only going to cripple him. Allowing him to go and fail or succeed on his own wits and hard work? This will help make him less dependent on you, and will give him a sense of accomplishment because he really did figure it out on his own - and he had an adventure all on his own. This isn't a bad thing even if it is scary to mom and dad. Cause it IS scary to mom and dad. I watched my folks go through this, and endured those calls home where gfgbro was sick, broke, truck broke down, etc... One year gfgbro was planting trees in a National Forest in Minnesota for the summer. He was camping out because they were WAY back in the forest. </p><p></p><p>My parents did NOT send him money, even when he needed truck parts and he hadn't budgeted for them. He had to figure out a way to pay for them because he turned down free room and board at their home and a summer job that would have paid his tuition for the following semester plus extra for spending. He chose the trip to work far away, and they LET him learn the lessons that came up that summer by not rescuing him. He could only call home every other week or so because there were no cell phones an that was how often he got into a town. The things he told us about seemed designed to panic my parents and get them to offer to send him things or money. They didn't because they felt he chose the adventure and that meant he needed to learn whatever lessons the adventure had to teach him.</p><p></p><p>When he got home I learned that LOTS of his 'hard times' were not true or were gross exaggerations. He earned more than he expected and his truck and $$ problems were the results of too much alcohol - drunk auto repair means you have to do the same thing over and over because you do it wrong or break the new part because you are drunk. He met some little old ladies around the nearest town and they fed him and did his laundry now and again in exchange for someone to talk to. He did help the little old ladies with yard work and repairs and stuff though. </p><p></p><p>Your son will be fine through this adventure. He is an adult and will learn a lot while doing this. It will likely help him grow up too. Especially if you do NOT send him $$ or rescue him. </p><p></p><p>Life will teach him that 'Do to Get' is how things work, and that everyone is expected to do work to support themselves. It isn't just Mom and Dad being mean by not giving him everything.</p><p></p><p>While this is scary to you, it is a way for him to be independent, and you NEED to encourage this by NOT NOT NOT fixing things for him or rescuing him or giving him things. He won't learn that he can do it on his own unless he actually does it on his own.</p><p></p><p>His phone will call 911 if he has a real emergency.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 637994, member: 1233"] This is the sort of thing my gfgbro used to do. If he had no child, or his child's mother was out of the picture, he would likely still do it. I still remember the first family meal that husband came to. Shortly after he arrived, gfgbro announced that he was going to walk to Washington. No clue which Washington, mostly he just made announcements like this to create drama and esp conflama (conflict plus drama) and to see if he could get my mother upset. My mom's reaction was AMAZING! "Where are you going to put all of your stuff?" At the time he spent much of the year living in a tiny travel trailer in another state while he kept all his junk in his old room at my parent's house. The idea that he was expected to get his stuff out of my folks' house pretty much shocked him senseless and he didn't go into any more plans. He very likely might have taken off on a bike to cross the country though. One thing you need to remember: difficult children almost ALWAYS find someone to help them. There is always someone who sees them as a poor stray puppy who needs help and love and care and this person gives rides, food, shelter, etc... If they are traveling, when Rescuer A gets fed up/used up, they find Rescuer B, C, Q etc... because they never use up the available pool and because word doesn't spread that they are not the poor sweet stray puppy the rescuer first thought. Your son will call with tales of woe and need. Be ready with phrases that tell him that you know he can find whatever he needs and practice saying no to requests for food, bike parts, etc... He left on the journey and a big part of his journey needs to be standing on his own feet and figuring out how to navigate the world without the safety net of mom and dad to rescue him. You might offer to google the area to find shelters if he doesn't have access to a computer. Or he can ask a local cop - they always know where the shelters are. In the long run, rescuing him is only going to cripple him. Allowing him to go and fail or succeed on his own wits and hard work? This will help make him less dependent on you, and will give him a sense of accomplishment because he really did figure it out on his own - and he had an adventure all on his own. This isn't a bad thing even if it is scary to mom and dad. Cause it IS scary to mom and dad. I watched my folks go through this, and endured those calls home where gfgbro was sick, broke, truck broke down, etc... One year gfgbro was planting trees in a National Forest in Minnesota for the summer. He was camping out because they were WAY back in the forest. My parents did NOT send him money, even when he needed truck parts and he hadn't budgeted for them. He had to figure out a way to pay for them because he turned down free room and board at their home and a summer job that would have paid his tuition for the following semester plus extra for spending. He chose the trip to work far away, and they LET him learn the lessons that came up that summer by not rescuing him. He could only call home every other week or so because there were no cell phones an that was how often he got into a town. The things he told us about seemed designed to panic my parents and get them to offer to send him things or money. They didn't because they felt he chose the adventure and that meant he needed to learn whatever lessons the adventure had to teach him. When he got home I learned that LOTS of his 'hard times' were not true or were gross exaggerations. He earned more than he expected and his truck and $$ problems were the results of too much alcohol - drunk auto repair means you have to do the same thing over and over because you do it wrong or break the new part because you are drunk. He met some little old ladies around the nearest town and they fed him and did his laundry now and again in exchange for someone to talk to. He did help the little old ladies with yard work and repairs and stuff though. Your son will be fine through this adventure. He is an adult and will learn a lot while doing this. It will likely help him grow up too. Especially if you do NOT send him $$ or rescue him. Life will teach him that 'Do to Get' is how things work, and that everyone is expected to do work to support themselves. It isn't just Mom and Dad being mean by not giving him everything. While this is scary to you, it is a way for him to be independent, and you NEED to encourage this by NOT NOT NOT fixing things for him or rescuing him or giving him things. He won't learn that he can do it on his own unless he actually does it on his own. His phone will call 911 if he has a real emergency. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Magical Thinking
Top