Mail, mail, mail!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Mar 18, 2011.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I get home to find a week's worth of mail but it seems like 3 mos worth. LOL! At least something is moving.

    1) I got difficult child's progress report from Department of Juvenile Justice- it now has "other" checked for the recommended placement after incarceration- not "parent" (which still hurts even though I pushed it) and TG, not "extended family". There is a note underneath saying CSU and Department of Juvenile Justice will discuss it further when the release date is nearer. Good. Also, under difficult child's recommended treatment/services for after incarceration, along with substance abuse and anger management maintenance treatment, it has family services. This is starting to look a little more appropriate than the way the last one read- "family support need" which apparently led the PO to think I needed to support difficult child more.

    2) I rec'd letters from 2 different companies stating that per Fair Credit Act ((or whatever that's called) they are notifying me that the government office requested and rec'd credit reports and info and what was listed was the BK from last summer- that's good- it means the clearance app is moving along in good time and they have read what was in the first app 18 mos ago and this 2nd one where I explained how I dealt with it and they have now verified that. No assurance that it will go thru of course, but it was really close the first time and this at least gives me a better chance. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it gets finished (with a positive result) prior to being fired!

    3) difficult child wrote for the first time in a onth. He's upset because I talked with PO about looking into a transitional placement upon his release. (I understand that but I did write difficult child and try to discuss it prior to contacting PO about it and difficult child wrote back that if I couldn't trust him, he;'d refuse to come home. OK- then I discussed it with PO.and let difficult child know I had.) So, difficult child proceeds to tell me he didn't want to live with me anymore anyway and our whole family, extended and all is nuts (yes, I know that- that's why they weren't more involved in difficult child's life) so difficult child has decided that I HAVE to 1) send him addresses and phone #s of every person in the extended family so he can contact them personally AND 2) contact them all myself and put this family back together OR ELSE hwe doesn't think he will write me anymore or want any future contact with me. Then he pleads for me not to put him through that suffering of not having his mother.

    Then, as a PS to this 6 page letter, he proceeds to tell me that his last charge in there was due to 3 boys busting a sprinkler head and he's sorry, but he just found out that would be money owed as restitution and after they splpit it 3 ways, I can expect to get a bill for about $225 to pay his share.

    Well, I guess I know now what I'll do with the majority of that $325 I owe him from closing his bank acct when I moved.

    I'm having a most wonderful day. NOT.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Glad that the clearance is moving along and that your explanation of the BK is on file - that can make a HUGE difference. Bankruptcy because issues due to a child's health/mental health issues is a TON different than due to "I wanted to go on a cruise and I used twelve credit cards I couldn't pay for to buy Gucci and Prada and Tommy Hilfiger clothes because I am too good to wear no brand clothes even if I cannot pay for them" in the eyes of the gov't and most employers. So you are on good ground there.

    I am glad PO has gotten things changed as far as family support needed - which sounds like you are a bad parent and you are an awesome one who has gone way more than the extra mile - and as far as difficult child's placement after release. I am sorry it hurts to see it, but agree that it needs to have happened.

    difficult child's letter is one HUGE ball of manipulation. Don't give him that info - if he wants it when he is 18 he can go find it. Until then, he is stuck with you nad he has done NOTHING to earn any kind of info from you - esp info he demands. He has NO right to demand anything - not after all the things you have done for him and all the ways he has violated you and your trust. As for the new charge, well, at least you have $ from HIS bank account closing. He can make demands when he lives on the right side of the law, in my opinion. As for the don't make me not have a mother - that is total manipulation ****.

    I would ignore all of it and pretend it was never sent to you. Except that part about the new charge and the $$. What happens if you do not pay the $$? Will htey keep him in longer to pay off the $$ with time served? IF so, insist on that - that way it is difficult child who is paying the tab and NOT you, Know what I mean?? At least ASK them about that, about what happens if you cannot pay the amt they demand for restitution - how is it handled then? I am sure there are kids with families who could not come up iwth that $$ at all who they deal with, so why not have this apply to difficult child with more time served rather than paying it off with cash. Cash has no meaning to him, Know what I mean??
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with susie on the address and phone numbers.

    As far as the restitution money...I would be very leery. That is a ton of money for a shower head. Especially split 3 ways. I am darned sure they can make him work off his debt too. Cant he get some sort of job in there making 25 cents an hour or something? Seems reasonable to me. Or maybe the money you send to him for his canteen could just be taken for this shower head. Like susie said, there have to be kids in there that are wards of the state who dont have parents to pay these fines. They have to pay them themselves. Might mean he doesnt get off parole till he is older but, oh well.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh- there was no way I was going to send him names and numbers. I wrote him back yesterday and agreed with him that the family is not normal or healthy and that it was that way long before I was a young child, my therapy in my ealy 20's had helped me see that, and there was no way I could fix it- I had wanted better for him and that's why I'd kept close tabs on the extended family's influence over him. But I had wanted him to know them, until they pulled the stuff they did when he started showing signs of difficulties at 11 yo and now- I will never forgive them. So, no, I will not send contact info. Also, I clarified that I am not saying he isn't welcome in my home or can never live with me again but due to the situation and our need to work thru some things before there is a comfort level again, living together that is, and given what he'd written in the previous letter about refusing to live with me if I didn't trust him right now, I had asked PO to look for a transitional placement- not a "permanent" placement where he'd never be allowed to visit or return to me. I'm not signing over custody. I owe him about $350 that he had in a student acct. and I told him I'd pay for the sprinkler head out of that. The rest will go to restitution he/we still owe for actions he committeed a few years ago- they had totalled nearly $4000 then he tore up a computer at school 3 years ago and that was nearly $900. When he was on probation, that PO of course, held me accountable for payments. Now, since Department of Juvenile Justice incarceration, parole officers hold difficult child accountable. He can't pay on it while incarcerated but will have to pay toward any remaining balance once released. I paid for the computer at school when it happened so they wouldn't ask the judge for the harshest punishment. I have paid a little over half of the nearly $4000- I think there is about $1750 left on it. I'd imagine that if I didn't pay for the sprinkler head, they would just add that to the rest of what he owes when he's released. I will pay for it though, with the money I owe him instead of opening him another bank acct and him haviing some spending money for clothes and stuff upon his release. I am paying CS to Department of Juvenile Justice via dss so things like this help when they consider whether or not to send him to a Department of Juvenile Justice group home/ transitional setting, or pull custody from me altogether and turn him over to dss. As long as I keep in contact with him and show that I'm a responsible parent, it helps.

    difficult child just needs to learn that "threatening" to emotionally leave me or refuse to live with me or refuse to get himself out of this system is no longer going to work with me. I want him to realize that it's his life- I can't live it for him. Destroying his future, while it might break my heart, is out of my control and will only make his life worse but it will never get him back in good graces with me. I'd much prefer for him to figure that out while he's incarcerated this time, or at least when he first gets released again and is still a minor. It's his future and they're his choices. I wrote him that I haven't given up on him and obviously, I'm still here so I'm not abandoning him. And I KNOW he can and will do whatever he sets his mind to, whether I like it or not. So, son, make your choices. His future is no longer up to me. He'd also asked if I would still help financially if he went to college because he still wants to go. I told him I would help as much as I can if he's enrolled in college and putting forth good effort. Also, I'll help him with financial aid forms and such. Then I pointed out that the more money that has to be spent on paying restitution and to commpensaate for property he's damaged, the less money there is for college, clothes, other necessaties, and "fun" money.

    The way I see it, he's refusing to let me parent him because he's convinced he's ready to make his own choices and be an adult. Now is a real good time for him to figure out how he's going to do that then. And for him to start seeing and feeling the pain first-hand that if he damages something, it comes off him and not me. This is exactly why I just refuse to play CSU's enabling game anymore. After 5 years they still do the same thing although they'll sit there and guarantee to the parent that "if it doesn't work this time, we'll try something else". Yeah right- the something else always seems to turn out to be that revolving door. Not this time- not if I can help it.

    Then- last night my darn commputer died and wouldn't even turn on. I'd been saving money for new tires on the car which I'll have to have within the next couple of months, at the latest. I gave myself a budget, went to wally world for groceries, pet supplies, hair cut and new laptop. I thought I was going to have to blow my budget to get something I could live with for the next 2-3 years, then I saw2 one last HP laptop that was on clearance and marked down almost 30% so I snatched it up!!

    Now, how do I find the link or whatever to download that free office software that is compatible with word? And I can figure out how to get the adobe reader for pdf files but don't remeber how I ended up being able to save from that office format to a pdf file. Anyone know??

    Oh- to clarify- when I went back and read difficult child's letter a 2nd time, it was clear that he wanted all contact names & numbers of each person in the extended family so he could contact them all and try to get them to let him live with them when he gets released so he wouldn't have to go to a group home.

    Now I don't want my son going to a ggroup home really and I possibly could make a turn in that area, howver, right now I just don't see how on earth we can be where we need to be by the time he gets released in order for me to feel comfortable going to sleep at night with him in the same house. I didn't tell him there was a chance I could change my mind though. That would have just been an invitation for more manipulation.
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2011
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, is very good and to get your adobe products just go to the adobe page. You can get the free ones there. If you need other programs, just hit for good programs.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Great- thanks, Ladies!

    Boss never spoke to me at all today. I take it he hasn't gotten to the email I sent at the end of last week when I sent out the revised timesheet. And perhaps client's rep talked to him while I was away. Client's rep was nice to me- not acting like anything was wrong at all. Maybe boss will pick someone else for his next tirade since he can't seem to make it a week without at least one. I'm telling you, I think that's just all normal behavior for him.

    More mail today- a third letter saying government had verified credit/bankruptcy last year and there's currently zero debt.

    And I got a letter from my mother to difficult child. It's telling him how much she and I both love him- it makes me cringe for her to word it that way, as if she has shown him half the love or support most grandparents would, even before he got into all this trouble. And she says she "sure is sorry she can't see him". Uhm Uhm- the only reason she "can't" is because she won't leave her dog long enough- at least that's her excuse for not seeing difficult child in the past 3 years.
  8. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I would be EXTREMELY leery of the sprinkler head thing and I wouldn't do a thing about it until you actually hear about it directly from the institution. Do the juvenile institutions run on a "trust fund" system like the adult prisons do? It's a cashless system like a bank where the money they earn in their jobs or money sent by families goes. That money is how they pay for basics like soap, shampoo and toothpaste (and junk food). If they incur a fine or have to pay restitution, it comes out of that trust fund. If they don't have enough to cover it, it just stays there as a big negative balance. Any money they receive can be taken to pay their debt and if the system is run right, it will be taken before they have a chance to spend it but I wouldn't count on it. But NEVER is this debt passed on to the families. If it's not paid when they leave, it is just written off.

    And destroying a sprinkler head could very easily run into that much money! If they had done that in the adult institution where I worked, they would have not only be charged with the cost of the parts, they would also be charged with the cost of the salaries of the maintenance workers who were there on time and a half over time to fix the sprinkler system! Depending on how they did it, they could have damaged the ceilings or the piping system that is up in the ceiling which means that the ceiling would have to be torn in to to fix the pipes, then rebuilt. And when you break off a sprinkler head, water comes gushing out like a firehose, flooding everything in the area and destroying property. Destroying a sprinkler head is NOT a minor thing and it sounds like they dealt with it accordingly.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    In this state, the "wards" in Department of Juvenile Justice do get accts for money but they don't have jobs where they actually earn money- at least in this particular facility where they are all students, in the real sense. Department of Juvenile Justice claims it is "earning" money but the kids only get about 6-9 dollars per month- yes that's correct- and that is based on the level they are on. They have to earn themselves up to a higher level in order to earn the bigger amount AND they are only allowed to spend about $5 per month until they earn themselves to a higher level and then at most, it would be probably $10 a month. They can only put one "order" for paid goods in a month and these are things like snack food (he hasn't earned his way to that yet), stamps, and toiletries. They have a weekly "incentive" program where if their behavior is good daily, all week long, they can get junk food on the weekened, a phone call, etc. So it's similar but different. No- there's no way I'd send a check to his account for that amount of money but I believe him on this because he's been telling me not to bother sending him anymore money for his acct anyway. I sent $10 the second mo he was in, $10 at Chriostmas, and $10 in Jan for his b-day. He told me that would probably last him until he got out because of the limit they have on the monthly spending. Also, when he told me about this, he told me I could expect to be getting a bill from Department of Juvenile Justice- and yes- that's what they do if the kid intentionally breaks his/her eyeglasses, for example. Of course, this would all be different in an adult facility.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad the clearance app is moving along.

    So sorry about all the $$ difficult child is racking up. Sheesh.

    by the way, he will find your family members on his own but at least you don't have to be complicit. My sister tried to keep my niece away from their oddball relatives and about a mo ago, I saw my niece had friended her grandmother on FB. Where there's a will, there's a way.

    So sorry about your computer, but hey, what a deal on that HP! Do you need things off of your old hard drive?

    I don't have the link you need but I'm sure someone here will come up with-it.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think I can still find the most important thing- my resume- thru old emails. TG! My hard drive from my big easy child that went out last year is here somewhere. LOL! The only major things on the laptop that just went out were things I'd hate to type over but I'm pretty sure I saved the pdfs I emailed out. I had forgotten about that so thanks for reminding me.

    Yep, difficult child will find family eventually. But every second of maturity he can gain before he does will only help. He's incarcerated so has NO access to internet. The boys do, howver, sometimes find a friend of a friend willing to write them, look stuff up on the internet, get info , then mail the info to the boys in there. I kind of doubt anyone in my family would do that but you never know- that doesn't mean difficult child can choose where he'll go upon release anyway. The courts have to approve his placement, even if I chose it, because he isn't listed for "direct release", meaning once time is served, he's done.