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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 669415" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with Cedar. I think what we are going through with our kids sucks all of the life and hope out of us. I think we can change that, but first we have to acknowledge it. And then, make a plan.</p><p></p><p>In my time here on the board which is less than 6 months, I sensed your great pride in your work and your efficacy in it. I agree with Cedar. It is not work. It is life.</p><p></p><p>I worked in Corrections a long time. I have a sense of what you deal with and what your options might be.</p><p></p><p>What about parole, where you would not be confined? What about a maximum security prison, Level IV, or Reception Center where the inmates are completely confined, and you are more insulated and in control?</p><p>I think an administrative job or working with administrators could have its own set of headaches. I hate being with boss-types, but that is me. My favorite shift is weekends when I am alone with an officer.</p><p></p><p>With Lil's schedule that is not a real option for you, but I am making a point.</p><p></p><p>As a Case Manager/Correctional Counselor you have a great deal of autonomy and control over the circumstances in which you work, I think. In prisons where I have worked, they go all over the prison and their offices are usually clustered in separate areas away from much oversight.</p><p></p><p>You may only need a break for awhile, until you get your equilibrium back.</p><p></p><p>I think we are burnt-out from our lives, not our jobs. You are highly resilient, flexible and professional in your work. I know it. But those attributes do not work at all in our family. Nothing works. For somebody who has always been capable and successful and prides himself or herself in their capacity--feeling as if nothing helps...nothing works...nothing can be controlled...to feel possibly even, that others judge one or may not understand...is a living nightmare. I know.</p><p></p><p>The shame and fury I felt for years and years was like an infection that I could not get rid of.</p><p></p><p>There is a concept called displacement. It is when one unconsciously transfers a problem which is in one place into another. Like when a home problem feels as if it is in work. When it is not.</p><p>If I put myself in your shoes what I would feel is that there is no escape from my life. It is to wake up and to go into one more prison, because, for so many years (and still to a large extent) I felt some variation of doom.</p><p></p><p>You are only human. Of course persistent, unending problem after problem affects one. And in a sense you have been more out there. It was your family that chose to involve themselves. You were in the middle. You have had more at stake than anybody else involved. On both sides, everything seemed as if it might reflect on you <em>even though it had nothing at all in the world to do with you. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>You and Lil have been marvelous parents. These things happen to the best of us. (I hope.) You are a loving husband. You are a responsible and protective son. A loving brother.</p><p></p><p>And despite all of this <em>all hell broke loose. And then it got worse. You could do not one thing to change any of it. And now the problem has shown up in a town 15 minutes away....and you still cannot do anything. And you see your wife now more vulnerable. And you still cannot do one lousy thing to help her or yourself.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Jabber, for a man who sees himself as effective, competent, a problem solver, even powerful, would this not be a recipe for despair (not depression), despair?</p><p>This is the exact problem, Jabber. Our feeling that <em>we have been rendered completely ineffective because of our family life. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>This is a feeling.<em> And it is false</em>. I wrote that my boundaries were poor, because the inability of my son to thrive, has to a large extent made me feel, as if I cannot do things. But I know, that I have and I can. Just like you.</p><p></p><p>This has to be confronted and a remedy found. Because it is not right and not feasible for us to feel that the problem is us. Or our jobs. You have to work.</p><p></p><p>We have to live.</p><p></p><p>Do I want to live the rest of my life walking along the road like a half-dead horse? No.</p><p></p><p>I do not want what is left of my life to be colored with sadness and disappointment and a sense of failure...when my life has been a great success according to anybody's terms...and I want to live fully the years I have left.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 669415, member: 18958"] I agree with Cedar. I think what we are going through with our kids sucks all of the life and hope out of us. I think we can change that, but first we have to acknowledge it. And then, make a plan. In my time here on the board which is less than 6 months, I sensed your great pride in your work and your efficacy in it. I agree with Cedar. It is not work. It is life. I worked in Corrections a long time. I have a sense of what you deal with and what your options might be. What about parole, where you would not be confined? What about a maximum security prison, Level IV, or Reception Center where the inmates are completely confined, and you are more insulated and in control? I think an administrative job or working with administrators could have its own set of headaches. I hate being with boss-types, but that is me. My favorite shift is weekends when I am alone with an officer. With Lil's schedule that is not a real option for you, but I am making a point. As a Case Manager/Correctional Counselor you have a great deal of autonomy and control over the circumstances in which you work, I think. In prisons where I have worked, they go all over the prison and their offices are usually clustered in separate areas away from much oversight. You may only need a break for awhile, until you get your equilibrium back. I think we are burnt-out from our lives, not our jobs. You are highly resilient, flexible and professional in your work. I know it. But those attributes do not work at all in our family. Nothing works. For somebody who has always been capable and successful and prides himself or herself in their capacity--feeling as if nothing helps...nothing works...nothing can be controlled...to feel possibly even, that others judge one or may not understand...is a living nightmare. I know. The shame and fury I felt for years and years was like an infection that I could not get rid of. There is a concept called displacement. It is when one unconsciously transfers a problem which is in one place into another. Like when a home problem feels as if it is in work. When it is not. If I put myself in your shoes what I would feel is that there is no escape from my life. It is to wake up and to go into one more prison, because, for so many years (and still to a large extent) I felt some variation of doom. You are only human. Of course persistent, unending problem after problem affects one. And in a sense you have been more out there. It was your family that chose to involve themselves. You were in the middle. You have had more at stake than anybody else involved. On both sides, everything seemed as if it might reflect on you [I]even though it had nothing at all in the world to do with you. [/I] You and Lil have been marvelous parents. These things happen to the best of us. (I hope.) You are a loving husband. You are a responsible and protective son. A loving brother. And despite all of this [I]all hell broke loose. And then it got worse. You could do not one thing to change any of it. And now the problem has shown up in a town 15 minutes away....and you still cannot do anything. And you see your wife now more vulnerable. And you still cannot do one lousy thing to help her or yourself. [/I] Jabber, for a man who sees himself as effective, competent, a problem solver, even powerful, would this not be a recipe for despair (not depression), despair? This is the exact problem, Jabber. Our feeling that [I]we have been rendered completely ineffective because of our family life. [/I] This is a feeling.[I] And it is false[/I]. I wrote that my boundaries were poor, because the inability of my son to thrive, has to a large extent made me feel, as if I cannot do things. But I know, that I have and I can. Just like you. This has to be confronted and a remedy found. Because it is not right and not feasible for us to feel that the problem is us. Or our jobs. You have to work. We have to live. Do I want to live the rest of my life walking along the road like a half-dead horse? No. I do not want what is left of my life to be colored with sadness and disappointment and a sense of failure...when my life has been a great success according to anybody's terms...and I want to live fully the years I have left. [/QUOTE]
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