Major blow up today :(

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by cmfout, Dec 15, 2010.

  1. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    For the last 3 days my difficult child has wanted to go up on the mountain to play with his outdoor stuff - quad, dirt bike, etc. It's been raining heavy so I've put him off, with a bit of attitude on his part. Today is nice and clear, though still cold, so I made arrangements to get help with my work so it would be done early enough for us to go. He's been behaving pretty well for the past week or so, so I wanted to reward him with the outing - plus I really enjoy it, too.
    First thing this morning, he asked about going. I told him we'd go this afternoon. He's in online school so the schedule is very flexible. He asked why we couldn't go right then and I tried to explain about the amount of work and that I had help coming so we could go later. He totally blew up, stormed out and took off on his bike. He came home 30 minutes or so later and started in again, being very loud, insulting, disrespectful, and downright mean. When I told him he'd blown it and we wouldn't be going today he blew even worse, slamming into the glass on the front door hard enough to crack it, and took off again.
    I tracked him down and he's with his best friend, so at least I know he'll be safe and won't get into trouble. What I need is advice on how I could have handled it better to prevent him from going off the deep end like this.
    Oh, and I found his "stash" last week. It's gone, along with his pipe. He's not a happy boy right now. He claims the water pipe cost him over $100. I'd really like to know where he got the money for it. He's only given $10 weekly IF he earns it by helping around the house and treating me with respect.

    Editting to add this: I just got a call from my brother (not the one that had difficult child for so long) that he went to their house and got into a physical fight with my easy child and brother. He's taken off from there and is *hopefully* headed back here or back to his friends place. He's inside the city limits and calling the police here is NOT an option. I'm beginning to wonder if we're really going to get through this.
    Lasted edited by : Dec 15, 2010
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I wish I had an answer to offer......but I had a teen who got derailed at that age and it is complex, sad and scarey. I'm sending you an understanding cyber hug and hopes that somehow things chill out soon. DDD
  3. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    Thanks. I needed a hug :) I'm at a total loss with him. He's literally gone from easy child to impossible to get through to in just a couple of months. The only thing a drug test turned up was pot, which is bad enough but shouldn't be causing this - at least at this level. He won't talk to anyone and is alienating everyone around him. He's no longer welcome at his grandparents home, and now he's not welcome at the home my easy child and brother share. It's heartbreaking to see him this way.
  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm sorry to hear this. Honestly, there isn't anything you can do, or should feel you have to do, to prevent a situation like this happening. You made arrangements to shorten your
    work day. You told your difficult child the plan. HE then pushed the issue by insisting on going first thing in the morning. When he slammed and cracked the door, you did the right thing by
    telling him the outing was off (and he should pay for the door, via chores or a part-time job). It sounds like he was waiting for an excuse to go off the rails here; the situation simply
    didn't warrant his blow-up. The drug test may have just not caught some of the substances he may be doing; pot stays positive a long time, but other things go negative very quickly.
    You're right to be suspicious.

    It's completely heartbreaking and nerve-wracking to go through this. I'm so sorry, and sending cyber-hugs and support. I'm especially sorry you have the municipal police problem
    in addition. They may have to pick him up, though, if he gets into trouble somewhere. In fact, your brother could put a call in to police regarding the assault at his house. Or, if your
    difficult child hasn't come home, you could report him a runaway. It sounds as though he needs to get into some aspect of 'the system' to be mandated to counseling and supervision.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh I so sympathize and feel for you, having been where you are. I agree with Katya about the drug use... pot shows up so at least you know he is smoking pot, which you can take as he is using drugs. You have no idea, how much, what or how often but you at least know he is smoking pot. The behavior does sound like more than pot, but who knows pot these days is much stronger and often laced with other stuff. A lot of stuff does not show up on drug tests. The other thing to be aware of is that lots of OTC medications are abused by kids.... especially watch out for some of the cough medicines such as Robitussen. I would suggest you get a lock box and lock up all OTC medications in the house.

    So it sounds from his behavior, and especially the fairly quick change, that your son has a problem with drugs. That is what as a parent I think you should focus on... in terms of trying to get him some help around that. As long as he is using drugs it will be hard to address other issues.

    And as awful as it is, sometimes the only real way to force our kids to get help is through the court system. It is not a great choice at all and I think it should be the last resort but it can be useful if necessary.

    I don't think there is anything you could have done to prevent the blow up today. He was unreasonable. He was mad and not thinking clearly. If you gave in to his bad behavior then the message you would be sending is it is ok to behave badly to me to get what you want. You do not want to send that message.

    When we kicked our son out of the house last June (he was 18 at the time so legally he did not have to live here) we did it because he literally would not follow any rules... and we realized the message we were sending by letting him live her and disobey all rules would be that that is ok... and in fact in this world it is not ok. Unfortunately for him as always he had to learn the hard way and while out of the house broke the law several times and ended up in jail.... which eventually led him to rehab.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    If you suspect drug use, check with your insurance company to see what your policy will cover for him to enter an adolescent treatment program. Since he is still a minor, you can admit him. There will be assessments and most likely a drug test done upon admission.

    I work for a Chemical Dependency Treament facility run by the State. We do have adolescent programs within the system. There are county funds used throughout the state to provide treatment for people whose insurance will not cover. So, if your insurance does not cover, contact the county in which you live and ask to talk with a chemical dependency worker. That person can help find a treatment program for your son.

    Once a child reaches the age of 18, he/she is considered an adult and can not be made to go through treatment unless through the court system. Until then, parents are the decision makers and can make their child enter treatment.
  7. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Andy,the age at which a child can refuse treatment ranges from 14-21 (NY State). Check to see what your state's requirements are before assuming a given age.

    The court system can order your child into treatment, but these days there's a tendency to put these kids in juvie or even on parole for violations. My interpretation of the reasoning hence is that it saves the state a considerable amount of money.
  8. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    I have no advice but I can feel the pit in your stomach. It's horrible and feeling so helpless in the face of their anger is the worst. It sounds to me like you did exactly what you could do. We all need to learn NOT to beat ourselves up so much! Hope things are better today. -Lynn
  9. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    Thank you all for the advice, support, and kindness. That's exactly what I needed :)

    Andy, I live in a very small agricultural county. The only help through them is to send him out of county (almost 150 miles from home) and place him in basically a juvinile prison that has a treatment program. There's only 1 of these places is this side of the state and getting to the other side is near impossible during the winter due to high elevation mountain passes. The one that's available to us is constantly being reported for abuse on the kids by both staff and other kids. My middle son was ordered there by the courts and spent 4 years in that place. During that time he was raped by other kids, held down and beaten by as many as 3 staff members, and locked in a bathroom over night. The only way my son will go there is if it's ordered by the courts. I need help, but I couldn't live with myself if I knowingly sent him to someplace like that.
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I retract my suggestion then. I would then be super scared for the courts to get control of his destination since that is where he would be sent.

    I don't know any other advise but to maybe do daily checks of his room while he is gone and hope you don't find drugs.

    Has he had a neurosphych test? I honestly think that between the 5th and 9th grades many learning disabilities come to light that the kids have been talented enough to overcome up until the school work becomes harder. Many kids (and adults) turn to anger and bad behaviors to disguise that they are unable to do their jobs. They don't want anyone to know they are struggling so they start pushing away.

    Your son also has some major issues from his past to sort through with his brother. Kids are much more effected by their sibling's behaviors than people give them credit for. Even if the brother didn't harm him the stress was in the house that he may have lived in fear much of those years.

    I hope you do find an answer. So scary what you are going through.
  11. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    We're definitely in a bind here. The police in this town are terrible, the county is so small and separated from the rest of the state that help is almost impossible to get. We have one actual city in the entire county, but it's more of what most people would consider a small town. The towns, for the most part, are tiny and surrounded by farms of different types. We're pretty remote where we live.
    If he'd willingly go to therapy it would be much easier, but he refuses. I'm quite literally on my own in dealing with him. The county police will help what they can, but if he heads into town there's nothing they can do - he's stuck with the small town police, with a youth officer that has a long history of problems with town families. My family are nearby but won't help. They're of the belief that ignoring him and excluding him from everything in their lives will keep them from being affected by his problems.
    I was talking to a friend who's lived around here much longer than I have. She said there used to be a "boys ranch" somewhere near here but can't remember the name of it or exactly where it is. I'm going to see what I can find out about it. If it still exists it may be an option for us.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did the right thing by not going. Have you thought of calling Boys town? It is definitely out of your state I would think but it wouldnt be the place you talk about. There are ways of getting your son into a facility that isnt the place you know but they may be far away from you. Not perfect from your visiting perspective but it might be best for him. People have sent their kids across country to get them help. I think there is a national hotline and of course you can visit the website for the tv show intervention to get information there.

    I would bring his bottom up fast. If you can find either an inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment program for him, I would make his life so miserable that he would agree to go to either one. At this point, I would look for either a complete psychiatric program or a dual diagnosis program before I would go complete rehab. I am pretty sure he has some psychiatric issues feeding his use of drugs. He sounds too angry behind the drug use which I would think is some sort of mood disorder or conduct disorder coming out. He needs treatment for that too.

    Just my opinion.
  13. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    Thanks Janet. I'm open to all options, whatever he needs to help him, but of course I want to find out what's local first. He has great insurance but my money's tight so I also have to keep traveling expenses in mind. If it ends up being the best option for him I'll come up with the money somehow, though.
  14. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    You take his money from him to pay you for the window. Simple as that. He has to be responsible for what he did.
  15. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    He's already working to pay me back for the glass. Thanks for the advice, though :)