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major life challenges for difficult child - how do i help her?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 42038" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I can understand why you've been away from us - you had enough to deal with (and more).</p><p></p><p>Of course this is going to affect difficult child. Do you have her seeing a counsellor of sorts? For something like this I would have difficult child 3 back to his psychologist, who also deals with the practical issues of helping him cope with his anxiety and stress.</p><p></p><p>It sounds to me like your husband is totally self-absorbed right now. This was a good thing, in that this degree of self-absorption was needed for him to survive - that really was extraordinary. But now, it's unhealthy, for all of you.</p><p></p><p>I'm not there, I can't tell you how to live your life, only you can make that call, but I do agree - difficult child MUST have stability. Your husband is out of danger now, you need to pull back and focus on the damage this has done to you and to difficult child. If you can keep things amicable it would be good, but if he isn't being honest and is trying to twist things to his way and to self-pity (and to get other people's sympathy) then you need to give yourself and your daughter more priority for now.</p><p></p><p>You can take your time out without it being an official separation. I can't see why he immediately thought that asking him to stay with someone else to give you much-needed rest, constitutes a separation. I've had husband leave me for a few weeks (more, now I think of it) when he went to stay with mother in law (before she lived near us) because she was having a complicated recovery from heart surgery. It certainly wasn't a separation, even though we were apart. We missed each other but I admit I DID get into the habit of spreading out in the bed!</p><p></p><p>When my sisters had their babies, they left their husbands for about two weeks to stay with our mother. It was a bit of extra respite with a new baby, but it was rare for their husbands to come too. That wasn't separation either, not in any official way.</p><p></p><p>When I developed my PTSD, I had a head start. Due to the other traumas at the time, I was recovering as I saw everyone else around me go down with PTSD over the next year or so. Some people just said, "I feel so listless and sad, I don't know why," and often they needed some time out of their lives for a short while, to deal with it. husband took himself off to a retreat for a weekend, it helped him enormously. There was nothing formal, just silence and solitude, away from a noisy, needy family. He needed the time for himself and because I needed HIM in one piece, I was happy to let him go and recharge his batteries. Our situation was complicated by the environmental and ecological disaster that we endured on a twice-daily basis, every time we went out to work and came home again. When you drive on a road you know like the back of your hand, but feel disoriented because there are no familiar landmarks any more, plus you can hear them dynamiting the few undamaged sections of forest left (and we're not permitted to go and see it for ourselves) the trauma continues and affects everyone. We watched the whole town go down like ninepins with PTSD. Some were worse than others - the man who was carpooling with his best friend, who was the passenger the day a dead branch blew through the window and harpooned the driver, needed even more hep for a long time. We all know these people, the passenger was in deep shock at being so close to his friend's instant death.</p><p></p><p>You need your time out. I didn't read anywhere in your post that you had asked to end the marriage - it sounds to me like he chose to interpret it that way (once again, pure selfishness, which was a good survival skill when he needed it but it's time for it to go).</p><p></p><p>If you want to save this marriage, get into joint counselling. Individual counselling as well would probably also be OK, but counselling together is what you both need, to face each other with honesty (and to HAVE to be honest, and be called on it). You've both been through the unthinkable and this has to take its toll on the best relationship. The time apart you both need is to get back in touch with where your relationship should be. You've been in carer role for too long, and he's reacting like a child asked to leave home.</p><p></p><p>If you don't want to save this marriage, I still think joint counselling is needed to help you both establish ground rules for co-parenting a difficult child. There is a lot of emotional baggage to work through before you can get to the practical stuff, but it has to be endured. It WILL be worth it, if you can both stick it out.</p><p></p><p>Right now, you and difficult child (she especially) need stability. If you can keep reassuring her that you will not block her access to her father, that you're not shutting him out from anger, just that you need a rest and he needs someone else to take a turn looking after him while you get better, it might help. The trouble is, she IS still very young and it will take a lot of careful, repeated explanation for her. Maybe if you wrote it/drew it in a small book for her, as a simple comic - "Daddy's been very sick, the doctors thought he would die. But Daddy didn't die, he is very tough. Now that we've helped look after Daddy for so long, Mummy is tired and needs to rest. Daddy needs to spend time with his other children, too, because they missed seeing him when he was so sick. He's their Daddy too and they love him, just as you love your Daddy."</p><p></p><p>You get the idea. There are several ways you can make this book - maybe the easiest is the photo album method. You type in the words in big print (if she's not reading yet it doesn't matter, just keep the text simple) and you include photographs or drawings on the same page. basically, make a picture book. Print it on letter-sized paper (whatever is standard for you - US legal?) and put the pages into a photo album that she can turn the pages of easily. Read it to her often. If he's seeing her at all, would he read it to her? Or is he being too much of an ornery pig?</p><p></p><p>Having it in writing can make it real for some autistic kids. The photos can also remind her that this is TRUTH because the photos are the evidence.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like your husband is behaving like a spoilt brat. He probably feels he's entitled. But it is time for him to work to change that attitude and wake up to himself, but what he is doing is very familiar to anyone who has nursed someone through such a critical time.</p><p></p><p>Frankly, I think you did the right thing, spitting the dummy like that.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can work this out at least for difficult child's benefit.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 42038, member: 1991"] I can understand why you've been away from us - you had enough to deal with (and more). Of course this is going to affect difficult child. Do you have her seeing a counsellor of sorts? For something like this I would have difficult child 3 back to his psychologist, who also deals with the practical issues of helping him cope with his anxiety and stress. It sounds to me like your husband is totally self-absorbed right now. This was a good thing, in that this degree of self-absorption was needed for him to survive - that really was extraordinary. But now, it's unhealthy, for all of you. I'm not there, I can't tell you how to live your life, only you can make that call, but I do agree - difficult child MUST have stability. Your husband is out of danger now, you need to pull back and focus on the damage this has done to you and to difficult child. If you can keep things amicable it would be good, but if he isn't being honest and is trying to twist things to his way and to self-pity (and to get other people's sympathy) then you need to give yourself and your daughter more priority for now. You can take your time out without it being an official separation. I can't see why he immediately thought that asking him to stay with someone else to give you much-needed rest, constitutes a separation. I've had husband leave me for a few weeks (more, now I think of it) when he went to stay with mother in law (before she lived near us) because she was having a complicated recovery from heart surgery. It certainly wasn't a separation, even though we were apart. We missed each other but I admit I DID get into the habit of spreading out in the bed! When my sisters had their babies, they left their husbands for about two weeks to stay with our mother. It was a bit of extra respite with a new baby, but it was rare for their husbands to come too. That wasn't separation either, not in any official way. When I developed my PTSD, I had a head start. Due to the other traumas at the time, I was recovering as I saw everyone else around me go down with PTSD over the next year or so. Some people just said, "I feel so listless and sad, I don't know why," and often they needed some time out of their lives for a short while, to deal with it. husband took himself off to a retreat for a weekend, it helped him enormously. There was nothing formal, just silence and solitude, away from a noisy, needy family. He needed the time for himself and because I needed HIM in one piece, I was happy to let him go and recharge his batteries. Our situation was complicated by the environmental and ecological disaster that we endured on a twice-daily basis, every time we went out to work and came home again. When you drive on a road you know like the back of your hand, but feel disoriented because there are no familiar landmarks any more, plus you can hear them dynamiting the few undamaged sections of forest left (and we're not permitted to go and see it for ourselves) the trauma continues and affects everyone. We watched the whole town go down like ninepins with PTSD. Some were worse than others - the man who was carpooling with his best friend, who was the passenger the day a dead branch blew through the window and harpooned the driver, needed even more hep for a long time. We all know these people, the passenger was in deep shock at being so close to his friend's instant death. You need your time out. I didn't read anywhere in your post that you had asked to end the marriage - it sounds to me like he chose to interpret it that way (once again, pure selfishness, which was a good survival skill when he needed it but it's time for it to go). If you want to save this marriage, get into joint counselling. Individual counselling as well would probably also be OK, but counselling together is what you both need, to face each other with honesty (and to HAVE to be honest, and be called on it). You've both been through the unthinkable and this has to take its toll on the best relationship. The time apart you both need is to get back in touch with where your relationship should be. You've been in carer role for too long, and he's reacting like a child asked to leave home. If you don't want to save this marriage, I still think joint counselling is needed to help you both establish ground rules for co-parenting a difficult child. There is a lot of emotional baggage to work through before you can get to the practical stuff, but it has to be endured. It WILL be worth it, if you can both stick it out. Right now, you and difficult child (she especially) need stability. If you can keep reassuring her that you will not block her access to her father, that you're not shutting him out from anger, just that you need a rest and he needs someone else to take a turn looking after him while you get better, it might help. The trouble is, she IS still very young and it will take a lot of careful, repeated explanation for her. Maybe if you wrote it/drew it in a small book for her, as a simple comic - "Daddy's been very sick, the doctors thought he would die. But Daddy didn't die, he is very tough. Now that we've helped look after Daddy for so long, Mummy is tired and needs to rest. Daddy needs to spend time with his other children, too, because they missed seeing him when he was so sick. He's their Daddy too and they love him, just as you love your Daddy." You get the idea. There are several ways you can make this book - maybe the easiest is the photo album method. You type in the words in big print (if she's not reading yet it doesn't matter, just keep the text simple) and you include photographs or drawings on the same page. basically, make a picture book. Print it on letter-sized paper (whatever is standard for you - US legal?) and put the pages into a photo album that she can turn the pages of easily. Read it to her often. If he's seeing her at all, would he read it to her? Or is he being too much of an ornery pig? Having it in writing can make it real for some autistic kids. The photos can also remind her that this is TRUTH because the photos are the evidence. It sounds like your husband is behaving like a spoilt brat. He probably feels he's entitled. But it is time for him to work to change that attitude and wake up to himself, but what he is doing is very familiar to anyone who has nursed someone through such a critical time. Frankly, I think you did the right thing, spitting the dummy like that. I hope you can work this out at least for difficult child's benefit. Marg [/QUOTE]
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