Making her go.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jody, Jul 30, 2017.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I haven't been on here for years. My difficult child is now 19. She has to go. I have to make her. Am going to give her thirty day notice tomorrow. She only gets thirty days if she behaves. I am sure she won't. Came home high on reefer and ate everything in the house. Fried egg and cheese sandwich with peanut butter. Then left to go to the gas station for snacks. I was nervous. I'm just done. Its 340 in the morning another sleepless night. I'm glad this board is here. It was a big help during difficult children younger years.
     
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so with you on this front. Son stayed out second night in a row this night without permission. I am sick of it as well. Asks hisbad what he wanted to do about it. He said I don't know and went to bed. We will be discussing this in therapy. He is not supporting me and said he would. I am so angry for both reasons. I spelt lime crap again too! Be strong and stick to your guns. I know it's tough I am in the same boat as you.
     
  3. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    Jody,
    I agree with your decision to take care of yourself. I made the hard choice of telling my son he had to leave when he turned of age to save my marriage and myself. It had been three years of disrespect, ignoring reasonable boundaries, and getting in trouble with the law. It broke my heart, but I held my ground. He has never lived here since, and he is 31 and has been in and out of jail because of his oppositional behavior and substance abuse. He blames me, and that hurts, but I know I did my best to be a good parent. However hard this, it is as important that you love and care for yourself as much as you do your difficult child. Refusing to be treated badly is modeling important behavior.
     
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  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome back Jody! I remember how hard her early years were for you. Don't tolerate this behavior! Don't give her any money - it all goes to drugs and is a waste of your $$. She can earn her own money for what she wants. If she acts out or gets violent, make the police remove her and get a restraining order. I know that is so hard, but you simply cannot tolerate that behavior.

    No matter what awful things she will say, you have to stand up for yourself. Especially with the health problems, you just cannot have her there and acting so poorly. I have the fibro and know how hard it is on you. My kids are sweet and don't act this way around me, and do all they can to help me. I cannot imagine battling the disease and having an adult child treat me poorly also. It was bad enough when my difficult child was young and acted out!

    Be especially kind to yourself and do something nice to make up for the way she has treated you. Do NOT let her stay the 30 days if she is acting out. Don't let her stay past the 30 days if she behaves well. Insist upon respectful behavior from her at all times!
     
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Jody, It's never an easy decision to make but you have to do what is best for you. If your daughter says "why are you kicking me out?" tell her you are not kicking her out, you are liberating her to be her own person so she can live her life on her own terms.

    I hope the transition goes smoothly. I'm really glad you shared with us.

    ((HUGS))
     
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  6. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thank you for the replies. Been trying to stay focused on me. She came home from work, took a shower and went to go smoke pot with her pothead friends. Didn't come home last night at all. I went on and went to bed and slept good. I thought you could stay up and worry, and it solves nothing, I feel I let go of something yesterday. My mind is taking over and shutting part of me off. Not sure if that's a good thing, but right now tonight and yesterday was better. Raising her has been so difficult, two mental breakdowns, foster care, ugh, now drugs, alcohol, and unsafe behavior, you just never know what's going to happen next .I thought my mind was protecting me when I had my breakdowns, and I couldn't think about any one thing long. I am having that happen again, and it seems like I'm having a thought process issue again. Just started a new job and I can't have this happen again. I lose memory and work skills lose a piece of who I am. If you believe in prayer, please pray for me if not send some good vibes my way. I wrote this and not even sure if it makes any sense.
     
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  7. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You know yourself and can feel that her behavior is pushing you over the edge. You need to detach for your own health. You can worry and fret and even have a breakdown and it won't change her behavior. She's 19 which is an adult which means you have no control over what she does. You can, however, control how much you allow in your space. Best to kick her out and focus on yourself and your healthy life. You'll be a model to her of what a healthy life looks like, and if she does come around and need help (not enabling) you'll be there for her. You can't do any of that if you let her situation drag you down until you're ill, mentally or physically.
     
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  8. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I learned more good news tonight. My 19 year old is sleeping with a 42 year old man from the gas station I go to. He sells drugs and was arrested for home invasion during his younger years. Daughter looked him up in our county clerks office, and dude has had many order of protections filed on him for domestic battery. Why would someone knowingly on purpose, go downhill and become his next victim. I'm moving to a one bedroom somewhere. I am moving alone. How does one not let these things bother them. I know I can't control any of it. I'm going to go and read the article on detachment, going to read everyday, till I am living it. Omg, just still stunned.
     
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Jody. You stay safe, please.
     
  10. Hi Jody, such good comments from everyone, a great group here. Being a newer member I don't know all that went on in the early years but, am sure it has been pure torture for you.

    My daughter is bipolar, did drugs, alcohol and has been in jail twice now. After her latest incarceration we let her cone back to live with us. At first she was full of gratitude but just went back to her old habits. Being on probation no drugs or alcohol was allowed and I made sure she upheld it. Yesterday she was granted early term and is free of probation, first words out of her mouth....I can smoke and drink again! Told her not in this house your not!

    My daughter broke one of the house rules yesterday and during my trying to get her back on track, she was refusing, she called the cops on me! Basically the cop told her, your 25, your parents owe you nothing anymore. It's their house and their rules, don't like it? Move. In our area of Florida we cannot just kick them out, we have to evict them. So yesterday was my final straw and like you, cannot do anymore.

    Stick to this 30 days, I applaud you for giving her a timeframe. Her staying out all night would of ended that 30 day agreement right there. Since she has her druggie friends to stay overnight with, they would probably put her up if she had no place to go.

    I indeed will pray for you. ((hugs))
     
  11. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    I feel for you, Jody. My daughter at 17 brought the 40 year old video store clerk into her bed...in our house.

    Sadly, my daughter's behaviour did not get better and at age 26 is still acting entitled and doing whatever she pleases. When ours left our house, she had lots of "friends" who let her couch-surf. A few friends were living at home and their parents made quick judgments of my husband & I and took our daughter in. After only a week or two, they were more than anxious to be rid of her.

    I'm glad you are taking a stand. It is hard but you need to do it for your own mental health and your physical health. You also need your job. Don't let her take that from you. There are days I wondered how I actually got to work, did the work and then drove home. It was all a blur.

    I will pray for you and your daughter. Keep posting and reading. It really helps.

    {hugs to you}
     
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  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    The sad reality, this is what drugs do to people. They are more focused on their next high than those who love and care about them. I'm sure this 42 year old man is quite good at manipulation. I think if your daughter was thinking clearly she would not be with someone like this.

    I think this is a very wise choice for you. It makes it much easier to say "no you can't stay here I don't have the room".

    I'm so sorry for the heartache you are feeling. It's never easy with these difficult adult kids of ours but do your very best to live your life for yourself. You deserve some peace and happiness.

    ((HUGS))
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Jody

    Sorry you are dealing with this. I second what everyone has said. Take care of yourself, your health, your life.

    She has to figure this out on her own. When our Difficult Child don't respect our homes, boundaries or us, they have to go.

    It's not the way we want it to be but we have to accept reality - as hard as it may be.

    I don't have daughters and I know that is a lot different than parenting a son but I wanted to offer my support.
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well that was some snack she was getting at the gas station. I am so sorry to hear this news. Bad choices all the way around. I hear tou about the mental breakdowns. I think I have PTSD symptoms. I have. It been at this as long as you. Sometimes you have to let go and let GOD. Focus on your health and well being. You don't help those who don't want to be helped.
     
  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I am doing better, she's been spending more time out of the house. I've been working a lot and just staying focused on bettering my life. I am making her go and will feel better when its done.
     
  16. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Today, is the day. Its going to get real nasty. Called me b about eight times said she couldn't wait to get out of my house. I'm glad she can't wait, because when she does show up, I'm calling the police. She can couch surf somewhere or sleep in her car. I just want it over. Oh gosh she's back right now. I'll be back.
     
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  17. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Are you OK?