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Family of Origin
Malignant Narcissism
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 675009" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p><em>Because there is so much loss involved....</em></p><p></p><p>This is true, Copa. This is the central issue in how we interpret ourselves and our lives. What to do about expectation and loss. Beautifully and clearly written.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>We would do better to name and grieve the loss and blame no one and expect nothing. If we have no sense of blame to hang onto, then there is only whatever it is that is happening...and no loss.</p><p></p><p>How strange.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think so, too. I am wondering this morning whether this steady state thinking, this non-judging thinking, is the way we are learning to see everything about our lives.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. Maybe that is why they say 98% of life is showing up. We never know at all what is happening compared to what we believe may be happening.</p><p></p><p>Or, to what we expect to happen.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think it is true that our behaviors will be different while we are in contact with people who see things differently than we do. But the more I read about the similarities in the kinds of strangenesses between my family of origin and other families where there is some essential dysfunction, the more I believe there really is a genetic component to all this.</p><p></p><p>I think we could not be like them, IC.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that we are kinder or stronger, it is that we are normal. <em>In my family, I am not considered normal. I am the romantic one, the one who just doesn't get it.</em> Maybe, they are the ones who are not normal. I have always been a little ashamed of that bumbling take on reality that I have. I am used to the cut of contempt in the eyes at the things I believe. I am familiar with the eye roll as a primary means of communication. I thought it was a funny, friendly, exasperated kind of loving thing until I saw the contempt in it, and the "us against them" in it, in the story of the my mother and my sister and the lady driver. The effect of interpreting myself in this not-possible-to-seriously-expect-to-take-myself-seriously way, for me and in my life, has to do with undivided concentration versus shattered, piecemeal interpretation. It has to do with taking myself seriously enough to concentrate fully on the task at hand, or to take a goal seriously, in a logical, step by step way.</p><p></p><p>At some point, I give up, lose faith with myself, where another person plows ahead.</p><p></p><p>This is a valuable thing to know. It tells me where my fail point is, and that my fail point will be well before successful completion.</p><p></p><p>These are learned behaviors.</p><p></p><p>If I were to describe the change occurring through our work here on FOO Chronicles, I would say that is the core change. I think it (this capacity to be present, to attend to our lives purposefully) evolves as our locus of control changes from external to internal.</p><p></p><p>Now I am going to go and read about the stages of Moral Development. It is interesting that one of the pieces I read yesterday talked about narcissism in general, and malignant narcissism in particular, as evolving over time through a series of immoral choices.</p><p></p><p>Which would mean it is not genetic after all.</p><p></p><p>So maybe IC is correct in her contention that it would be possible for us to see the world as they do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why I was so angry for awhile there, and why it is that now, when I am not angry like that anymore, I am experiencing piercing pain, which comes up unexpectedly and so sharply, around my mother. I do not have that sense of blame or unfairness so much as a sense of shock as I pull the pieces together with the research and understand I've been fighting a chimera.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, fighting with and for a chimera.</p><p></p><p><em>"In Greek mythology, the Chimera was an awesome fire-breathing monster with the head of a lion, the body of a goat, and the tail of a serpent. The Chimera was killed by the hero Bellerophon mounted, in most versions of the tale, on Pegasus, the winged horse."</em></p><p></p><p>So in the mythology, the chimera needed to be killed.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.mythencyclopedia.com/Ar-Be/Bellerophon.html" target="_blank">http://www.mythencyclopedia.com/Ar-Be/Bellerophon.html</a></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree this is difficult to near impossible, IC. I was thinking about the Nietzsche quote about loving to breathe because love came first, and wondering if loving our families (which is very healthy for us to do) is accomplished without further thought once the other things are out of the way. If love is the natural state of things, once we stop harboring rationalizations and once we finally stop thinking we have any clue at all about what it is we are doing.</p><p></p><p>So, that would be nothing to protect.</p><p></p><p>Again.</p><p></p><p>Nothing to protect would mean no expectations and no regrets, either.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 675009, member: 17461"] [I]Because there is so much loss involved....[/I] This is true, Copa. This is the central issue in how we interpret ourselves and our lives. What to do about expectation and loss. Beautifully and clearly written. Thank you. We would do better to name and grieve the loss and blame no one and expect nothing. If we have no sense of blame to hang onto, then there is only whatever it is that is happening...and no loss. How strange. I think so, too. I am wondering this morning whether this steady state thinking, this non-judging thinking, is the way we are learning to see everything about our lives. Yes. Maybe that is why they say 98% of life is showing up. We never know at all what is happening compared to what we believe may be happening. Or, to what we expect to happen. I think it is true that our behaviors will be different while we are in contact with people who see things differently than we do. But the more I read about the similarities in the kinds of strangenesses between my family of origin and other families where there is some essential dysfunction, the more I believe there really is a genetic component to all this. I think we could not be like them, IC. It isn't that we are kinder or stronger, it is that we are normal. [I]In my family, I am not considered normal. I am the romantic one, the one who just doesn't get it.[/I] Maybe, they are the ones who are not normal. I have always been a little ashamed of that bumbling take on reality that I have. I am used to the cut of contempt in the eyes at the things I believe. I am familiar with the eye roll as a primary means of communication. I thought it was a funny, friendly, exasperated kind of loving thing until I saw the contempt in it, and the "us against them" in it, in the story of the my mother and my sister and the lady driver. The effect of interpreting myself in this not-possible-to-seriously-expect-to-take-myself-seriously way, for me and in my life, has to do with undivided concentration versus shattered, piecemeal interpretation. It has to do with taking myself seriously enough to concentrate fully on the task at hand, or to take a goal seriously, in a logical, step by step way. At some point, I give up, lose faith with myself, where another person plows ahead. This is a valuable thing to know. It tells me where my fail point is, and that my fail point will be well before successful completion. These are learned behaviors. If I were to describe the change occurring through our work here on FOO Chronicles, I would say that is the core change. I think it (this capacity to be present, to attend to our lives purposefully) evolves as our locus of control changes from external to internal. Now I am going to go and read about the stages of Moral Development. It is interesting that one of the pieces I read yesterday talked about narcissism in general, and malignant narcissism in particular, as evolving over time through a series of immoral choices. Which would mean it is not genetic after all. So maybe IC is correct in her contention that it would be possible for us to see the world as they do. Maybe that is why I was so angry for awhile there, and why it is that now, when I am not angry like that anymore, I am experiencing piercing pain, which comes up unexpectedly and so sharply, around my mother. I do not have that sense of blame or unfairness so much as a sense of shock as I pull the pieces together with the research and understand I've been fighting a chimera. Or maybe, fighting with and for a chimera. [I]"In Greek mythology, the Chimera was an awesome fire-breathing monster with the head of a lion, the body of a goat, and the tail of a serpent. The Chimera was killed by the hero Bellerophon mounted, in most versions of the tale, on Pegasus, the winged horse."[/I] So in the mythology, the chimera needed to be killed. [URL]http://www.mythencyclopedia.com/Ar-Be/Bellerophon.html[/URL] I agree this is difficult to near impossible, IC. I was thinking about the Nietzsche quote about loving to breathe because love came first, and wondering if loving our families (which is very healthy for us to do) is accomplished without further thought once the other things are out of the way. If love is the natural state of things, once we stop harboring rationalizations and once we finally stop thinking we have any clue at all about what it is we are doing. So, that would be nothing to protect. Again. Nothing to protect would mean no expectations and no regrets, either. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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