Man, they know how to cut to the bone

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Aug 14, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't normally get my feelings hurt by difficult child. I let most of her hurtful comments and talking to me like dirt tone roll off my back. I don't take it personal. But, today.....

    I took difficult child to the mall. She doesn't get out of the house/neighborhood very much. Because of my health issues, neither do I. So, I decided we would go to the mall today and do some shopping and get something to eat. We went to Hot Topic where she got some colored hair extension type things and some nail polish. We ate at the mall. And we walked around some looking at things. At one of those booths in the middle, had a girl do a demo of a $200 (!!!) flat iron on difficult child. Girl stuff.

    This isn't easy for me to do. The fatigue has hit and I'm sleeping a lot and am wanting to sleep after only being awake a couple hours at a time. And it hurts to walk. I don't mean it's uncomfortable. It's painful. In my hips and my back. I don't carry a purse because that just makes it worse...just my keys and a credit card holder.

    I thought we were having a good time. As soon as we got back into the car, she started trying to get the hair extensions in her hair. She was pretty excited about them. She worked on them most of the way home. Until she gave up in frustration because she couldn't get them right.

    We stopped at the drug store to pick up my prescription. We went through the drive-thru. We have an unusual last name, so I don't even say it; I just spell it when I get to the window. difficult child asks me, in that TONE, "Why are you yelling?" "I'm not yelling. I'm just talking loud enough to be heard." "It sounds like you're yelling and you don't need to be yelling at the woman. I'm sure she can hear you." "difficult child there is engine noise from the car, plus the noise from the store and my voice isn't very loud these days. Why are you being so critical of me anyway?" "I'm not. It just seemed like you were yelling. Sorryyyy." Whatever.

    So, we get the prescription and leave. As we are driving a woman pulls out from a side street without stopping at the stop sign or looking for traffic and I had to stand on the brakes. I was mad and made a comment that she didn't even stop or look. difficult child says, "Why are you so judgmental of everyone?" "difficult child she almost caused an accident. She didn't even stop." "Well, you're so judgmental of everyone on the road."

    At this point I said, "You know, I was just trying to have a fun day with you. Why do they always end this way." difficult child says, in that TONE, "Yeah, cause walking around the mall is just great fun." :surprise: :capitulate::sad:

    I told her that gee, I'm so glad that I put myself through the pain and spent money on her just so she could be miserable. Of course, she started to backpeddle, but the damage had been done.

    I'm so tired of being her target. I do more for her than anyone else. I am her biggest fan, her strongest advocate and her greatest protector. And I'm tired of getting kicked while I'm down as a thank you.

    I told my mom about it and her response was: Some of it is her age, but most of it is her personality. She is the most negative person I've been around in a long time. I don't know what it is, if her expectations are too high that they can just never be met or what it is. But, she's always been this way.

    Yep. And it's getting really old.
  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Heather do you think she harbors anger towards you because you are hurting and have not felt good for sometime now? The scared daughter who turns it into anger? THe self sabotage attitude, that ruins anything fun?
    I did that when I was a teen, I was hurting that my Mom had died and that my Dad had left. I never said those things, but man could I spew venom at my Dad and his wife, over EVERYTHING! Granted they didn't do half of the things you do for her Heather.
    Sorry it is never good enough for her. It is a bummer. K is starting to have that attitude... everything *****. Nothing good ever happens to me.
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2008
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I wish I could say that, T, but this isn't new behavior. She got frustrated that she couldn't get the extensions in and that was the trigger. This time. Other times, I don't know what the trigger is.

    K sounds just like Wynter with that attitude. Nothing good ever happens to her, either.
  4. sorry that difficult child didn't just let it be a good mom/daughter day. That can be so frustrating!
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yep, I agree with the trigger, Heather. You know her so well! She's frustrated!

    Sorry such a good thing ended up being spoiled... it sounds like she needs a lesson in not taking you for granted.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I keep telling you, you're so much nicer than I am. When mine got the TUDE, I gave her a choice -- find something nice to say or walk home. Of course, the first few times she thought I was kidding. The first time, I parked the car and sat for well over two hours. The car didn't move until she got out (it was a safe neighborhood) and I did keep her in view the entire walk home. She may have been upset, frustrated, flat out mad but once I gave her the choice, I could guarantee she would be quiet long before she got to the cutting stage -- not happy, but at least quiet and not taking her anger out on me.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry that difficult child was such a pita! I hate when doing things that are suppose to be fun end up like that. It sure makes it hard to want to do those things in the future. Hugs.
  8. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sorry about the attitude. I hate that they just can't enjoy things.

  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    What hurts is the cost to me of a couple of hours at the mall. I'm completely exhausted - mentally and physically. And my pain, which has been better the last 2 days is back up to at least an 8. And going by past experience, I will 'pay' for this little excursion (physically) for a week. Maybe two.

    She knows this. She knows I'm not comfortable driving anymore and rarely drive as it is. There are too many distractions and I struggle to keep up with them all whereas it used to be second nature.

    I guess that's why this hurt so much. It hurts me to not be able to do these things with my daughter. And when I do and she doesn't appreciate it, it hurts even more. :crying:

    Is it too much to ask to just want to be able to enjoy your child for one day? I really thought we were having a nice time and that she was enjoying herself.
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Heather, I'm so sorry that Wynter's negative attitude ruined what had until then been a great time for the 2 of you.

    This really struck a chord. I wonder if your difficult child is setting out to ruin things BECAUSE you were having a good time.

    I think sometimes for our kids who have issues with everything being bad bad bad, feel really uncomfortable when they're doing something enjoyable. It gets them out of their comfort zone. When they get too far, they have to do or say something rotten and ruin it, so that they can be back in misery-ville where they feel at home.

    My difficult child is another one who does this.

    {{{HUGS}}} Heather. Hope your pain (physical and in your heart) subsides soon.

  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Heather, she was!!! The problem is she wants perfection and that doesn't happen in real life. Sadly for you, you're a handy target and she knows she can get away with it. Believe it or not, I bet that she did enjoy herself and it was a good day but those stupid extensions got in the way of everything good (yes, I know you know this but it doesn't hurt to have someone else say it, too).

    I'd bet my bottom dollar that when things are good she'll admit she did enjoy herself. by the way -- Is she PMSing? Sure sounds like it to me (or are you?).
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    MB, she's not and I never do anymore, remember? I take that little pill everyday and no more PMS or TOM. And I can't let her out of the car to walk home. She gets lost on our own street. She'd end up in Brazil or something.

    I'm struggling with the limitations forced on me by this still unnamed illness and I absolutely HATE what it's taken away from me. And I was so looking forward to this being a day just for difficult child and me to spend time know, get out and do something. And then, WHAM!

    Just having a pity party. I'll get over it.

    Thanks all for the hugs.

    And, of course, I'm home every. single. day. Well, today, apparently, my GP is working on the very detailed letter she has to submit to the NIH to try to get me in that program and they call and leave 2 messages needing information. The ONE day I'm not home.

    Ok. Can you tell I'm having a pity party?

    I love my child fiercely. I want her to be able to be enjoy be able to realize that the world isn't ending if something doesn't go the way she thinks it just be able to enjoy the moment and the simple things in life. I don't want her to have to struggle anymore. I want her to know what peace is. And joy.

  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Heather...many hugs. Miss KT was like this, too. It just breaks your heart when you're trying so hard and all they see is the one little negative. With Miss KT, I'm not sure she has the capacity for peace and joy. Even now, after 2 1/2 years of trying to get to Nana's house, turning my home upside down with her hostility and negativity, making my illnesses worse, stressing me almost to the breaking point, is she thrilled to pieces to be at Nana's? Nope.

    I wish I understood why difficult children do what they do, but I do understand what you're going through. I'm so sorry. Hope you're able to get some rest and the pain isn't completely off the charts for you.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You Mom is right. Some of it is the age. And I like you're response to her. At 13 it's all about them, even when they are a easy child. But when she steps outta line she needs to be reminded others have feelings too. (just like you did :) )

    Wow, your post brought me a rapid succession of flashbacks from Nichole's younger days. And you're right, it is hurtful even when you know deep down they don't mean what's coming out of their mouth.

    Hot Topic. My oh my does that bring back the memories. :rofl: Gee, I think I still have their frequent customer discount card thingy in my wallet. *snort* Nichole stopped asking to go before I got the last one filled up. lol I'll have to look......

    Oh, by the way......what size is dear Wynter? We're having the yard sale tomorrow and I'm not postive but I think one heck of alot of Nichole's Hot Topic wardrobe is in there. If she's near Nichole's old sizes maybe I can find a way to get them to you. :D

  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hugs. It never seems to fail tthat the difficult child's figure out how to sabatoge about anything. Even themselves.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Heather, I tihnk you handled it right. She did need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve around HER.

    And she DID enjoy herself. It's just that at THAT moment she was frustrated and had to take it out on SOMEONE.

    The only thing more you could have said, was to call her on her real reason for attacking - "Wynter, just because you're feeling frustrated with not getting those hair extensions right immediately, doesn't give you the right to take it out on me or anyone else."
    The only trouble with is is she would probably instantly deny she was frustrated and it could make her even more defensive - and when she's defensive, she attacks.

    You could try talking to her when she's calm (maybe after she's got the knack with those hair extensions) and ask her if there is maybe a better way to deal with frustration. Ask about frustration in general. "What makes you frustrated? How does it make you feel inside? How do you handle it?"
    But I'm not sure she is capable of responding to this yet.

    When easy child 2/difficult child 2 began to be a real pain in this way, I dragged her rear end (and the rest of her) to a therapist and asked for some work to be done on coping skills, especially with frustration and anxiety. I recognised I needed someone outside to tell her a few home truths and help her find more appropriate ways to interact.

    And finally - next time she says, "Let's go to the mall!" remind her that she left a bad taste in your mouth last time, with the attack. If she insists she didn't, that you're making it up - then make an agreement with her that she will be polite, friendly, positive and grateful. And you will do your best to enjoy some good time together.

    Any such contract - you need to say what you will do, she needs to say what she will do.

    And I just thought of another angle - if you can, at some other stage, work on her negativity. Discuss with her your concern that she only seems to see the world in a negative way. Of course she will probably say, "I do not! YOU'RE the one being negative!"
    Your response: "What I do isn't relevant. I'm talking about you. So if I'm wrong, then tell me - I'd like to hear five positive things form you. Five genuinely positive happy thoughts."

    You could work towards making this a daily game - she has to tell you five positive things each day, about something that happened that day. And of course, you have to play too. YOU must tell her five positive things about your day. You can each call the other out if you are not serious about it or fail to mention something genuinely positive. If she knows the game has a level playing field she might be more willing to play.

    And cheating doesn't count. It's not permitted to say, "I'm positive I'm having a bad day! Alright?" and flounce out of the room. That's why you need the game to be two-way. You can role-play negativity and let her challenge you on it. But make it clear you're playing, to give her some examples of what isn't permitted.

    See if that helps. It could be a start, anyway. Talk to your mother about it, see what she says.

  17. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thanks, ladies, for the hugs and understanding. I guess I had my hopes up for the day.

    Lisa, she's a size 5 or 7 depending on the item. She has a skirt from Hot Topic that is a 5 and fits her well. Thank you for thinking of her. :)

    Marg, I did talk to her after she calmed down and replayed the events and pointed out that it was after she became frustrated over the hair extensions (that she is now wearing, by the way, so all is right with the world. :rolleyes:) that everything just fell apart. She said that she did appreciate that I took her, but she really didn't have much fun and do I want her to lie about it? I told her that sometimes saying nothing and saving someone's feelings is the way to go. She could have just said she appreciated it and left it at that, ya know? But, really, at the time she was more interested in being snarky and lashing out so it really is kind of a moot point.

    I am getting her into therapy. I had the intake appointment sometime in July and we have the appointment with the diagnostic person on 9/15 and then it will be around 2 months (maybe, hopefully, less) before she gets started with a therapist. I already have all the diagnostic stuff, but it's a hoop we have to jump through.

    I also talked to her about her negativity and she said she can't help it. I told her that when a negative thought comes in she should force it out and replace it with the opposite, or positive, thought. She said she can't do that. We'll give your role-playing game a try.
  18. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Being called "judgemental" because someone pulls out in front of you? Well, that is certainly a new one on me.

    I'm so sorry. I have been through similiar things with Daughter. A couple of years ago I bought tickets to the show Riverdance when the touring show came through our area. I was so excited that Daughter and I would see it together! I bought the tickets months in advance and the anticipation was killing me.

    After about 10 minutes into the show, Daughter is stewing in her seat whining about how those girls are so pretty, thin, and are excellent dancers. She's sitting there cross armed mumbling. It's loud enough that a few of the people around us noticed. I was beyond angry and mortified.

    I tried my best to ignore her and enjoy the show, but it was really hard. I was thinking, "Yep, here I go again, do something fun, and Daughter can't even enjoy it because of her feelings of insecurity and inadequecies. I understand she's a teenager and and struggles with her feelings, but when I try to get her to do active things with me, she ALWAYS says no.

    She's jealous that people are good at something, but she won't work hard to be good at something herself. I try to talk compassionately with her, but she rejects it.

    Anyway, I was furious. At the intermission, I told her if she didn't straighten out and fly right I was going kick her butt down the aisle and all the way out the door. Plus, it was going to be the last time I would ever take her to a show again, and I meant it!

    She behaved and enjoyed the rest of the show.

    As far as yelling...

    I hear that all the time. I heard it this week, in fact. All I did was ask Daughter to pick up the dirty dishes in her room. Of course, food is not allowed in her room, but hey, when did THAT ever matter?

    Daughter goes off on me with one of her little hissy fits. "You're yelling at me. You're always yelling at me!".

    For the record, I rarely yell at her.

    So, here's one of my STELLER parenting moments: I proceed to YELL loud at her that, "This is what I sound like when I yell, OKAY? So, now you know what I really sound like when I yell! How I spoke before was not me yelling! Any questions?!?!

    Not exactly the most mature parenting moment for me, but she hasn't made one peep about me yelling since. Thing is, she was talking on the phone when this happened. I can imagine what that friend this thinking.

    Daughter says to me, "Mom, you're such a psycho!"

    "Yes, Daughter, and your point is???"

    Anyway, I hope you feel better and recover soon. It really bites when they take a tude and your health doesn't allow you to confront it head on.

    Honestly, I really don't care what psychological reasons there may be for that kind of ungrateful attitude. It's unacceptable.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I did read your whole post, but I didn't have time to read any of the responses. I know that you really put out today for her, and it cost you a lot in pain and tiredness. I also think that maybe she's just 13 years old and feeling sorry for herself because summer's almost over and she doesn't have friends (go figure) and she didn't go hang out at the mall with the rest of them. She only got to go with her mom. What you did was a really wonderful thing. I'm sure that she knows it. It just isn't who she pictured in her head that she should spend a day at the mall with.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok...personally I think she is projecting. Maybe this would be helpful if you could find a way to work it into some sort of conversation.

    Its part of DBT and their Mindfulness Skills. Its about being Non-Judgmental.

    Being Non-Judgmental is about not assigning a value to yourself or others. using judgments can be isolating and problematic. The judgments people might make about themselves may confirm their beliefs that they are failures, terrible or unlovable. This can make engaging in problematic, harmful behaviors justified.

    Instead of putting a value on yourself or others, you can describe what is going on. Descriptions can include opinions about whether or not you like something or disagree with it. Being non-judgmental doesn't mean that everything is pleasant and there are no problems. Non-judgmental just means that you don't have to put a label on yourself or others as bad or good.

    About Me:
    A judgment that I make about myself:

    A replacement description:

    About others:

    A judgment that I make about others:

    A replacement description: