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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704965" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Sostressed. Welcome.</p><p></p><p>It is unimportant that he understand anything. The important thing is that you understand. Let me explain.</p><p></p><p>The important thing right now is that you set limits to protect yourself, your home, your marriage, your other children, if any. Your mother unless she is very old or mentally ill is responsible for herself. She made these choices that undercut your authority, put herself at risk, and contribute to your son's harming herself; she will have to take steps to understand her motivations and to gain control.</p><p></p><p>You can help her by modeling the process of detachment which you can read about on this site. (There is a page.) You might recommend Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous which are both 12 step groups.</p><p></p><p>This is not uncommon on this site, where grandparents take a stance different from a parent, until they too are almost destroyed</p><p></p><p>Your son will only "understand" that his problems are not your own, by your setting clear and definite limits which you enforce. It is not to his advantage to understand. Why would he want to? He wants the status quo to continue where he can walk all over others, make others responsible, and deny responsibility for himself or his behavior.</p><p></p><p>Al Anon will help you learn how to do this. Almost all of us where in some version of the hell you are living. You can turn this around. And you will.</p><p></p><p>I would try very hard to not get into conversations with him beyond words like, hello, goodbye, oh, so and most importantly: No! </p><p></p><p>All of these arrests, injecting of drugs, you do not say which. Heroin? Do you know?</p><p></p><p>If he wants to live life as a party, what in the world can you do about it? Except to move away from it. And let him live the consequences, as long as he chooses to.</p><p></p><p>There is a great deal of help if and when he chooses to avail himself. In jail there are AA and NA groups, there is mental health and medical treatment. Religious services, and pastoral care are available. What can you do if he is uninterested?</p><p></p><p>I encourage you to keep posting here, as much as you can. The act of posting helps. It gets the pain outside of you, so that you can begin to detach from it, detach from the power of your son in your mind. Posting on other threads helps too. You have a great deal to offer the rest of us. We are in similar situations as you. And know and feel the same pain.</p><p></p><p>To close, I am glad you are here. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704965, member: 18958"] Hi Sostressed. Welcome. It is unimportant that he understand anything. The important thing is that you understand. Let me explain. The important thing right now is that you set limits to protect yourself, your home, your marriage, your other children, if any. Your mother unless she is very old or mentally ill is responsible for herself. She made these choices that undercut your authority, put herself at risk, and contribute to your son's harming herself; she will have to take steps to understand her motivations and to gain control. You can help her by modeling the process of detachment which you can read about on this site. (There is a page.) You might recommend Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous which are both 12 step groups. This is not uncommon on this site, where grandparents take a stance different from a parent, until they too are almost destroyed Your son will only "understand" that his problems are not your own, by your setting clear and definite limits which you enforce. It is not to his advantage to understand. Why would he want to? He wants the status quo to continue where he can walk all over others, make others responsible, and deny responsibility for himself or his behavior. Al Anon will help you learn how to do this. Almost all of us where in some version of the hell you are living. You can turn this around. And you will. I would try very hard to not get into conversations with him beyond words like, hello, goodbye, oh, so and most importantly: No! All of these arrests, injecting of drugs, you do not say which. Heroin? Do you know? If he wants to live life as a party, what in the world can you do about it? Except to move away from it. And let him live the consequences, as long as he chooses to. There is a great deal of help if and when he chooses to avail himself. In jail there are AA and NA groups, there is mental health and medical treatment. Religious services, and pastoral care are available. What can you do if he is uninterested? I encourage you to keep posting here, as much as you can. The act of posting helps. It gets the pain outside of you, so that you can begin to detach from it, detach from the power of your son in your mind. Posting on other threads helps too. You have a great deal to offer the rest of us. We are in similar situations as you. And know and feel the same pain. To close, I am glad you are here. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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