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Failure to Thrive
Manchild problems
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704971" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I do not want to be harsh. But I want to be direct. Please hear this as support.</p><p></p><p>You are not in the middle. If you choose to, you can see that everybody is on the same side. Even your son. Especially your son.</p><p></p><p>Your son does not want to have sores on his face. He wants the love of his family, even though he is misusing you. He is acting out because he feels he needs to or even wants to right now, but the child you love is still there.</p><p></p><p>He wants you to fight for him, but not in the way that he articulates or demonstrates. He does not want you to give into his demands. He does not need you to capitulate to him.</p><p></p><p>Think of him as in his terrible twos, 2 decade later. It is no different. You would never have let him run into the street. If he threw a tantrum, you would contain him with your body, but contain him you would do. You would not let him hit or bite his siblings or you, without a consequence. To protect him and to teach him, you would have acted. I know this.</p><p></p><p>This is no different. Believe me. It just seems like it. Yes he has free will. Yes he is legally an adult. But he is acting like an unrestrained and undisciplined child. And you are his mother. You will always be.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible in the same way as 20 years ago. Your responsibility now is to not let him hurt you, your other children, or your family. Your responsibility is to absolutely not allow him to disrespect you or to abuse you and your home or your family.</p><p></p><p>Every single one of these things, he needs. He requires. He cannot be allowed to mistreat the people who love him. You are standing up for him, his own best interests, if you stand up for yourself. Any contact that is abusive must stop.</p><p></p><p>Do not argue with him; do not fight. I would not engage him at all if he cannot accept your authority. Not over him. Over your home. In your relationship, you are the boss of yourself. He is not the boss of you.</p><p></p><p>It is this that your husband and daughter now see. It is not that you are in the middle, as you are still choosing to see yourself that way.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, if your son is being so hurtful or if the family is being hurt by his presence or influence, I would call a time out for awhile until it can be determined what exactly you will need to be safe. For 6 months, I would not call my son, nor allow him here. When he called, I said hi, bye, so, and no. Then I set a very firm limit on what I would not talk about. If he crossed that line, I told him I would hang up. And I did.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone in any of this. Not any of it. For right now, I think you need to get out of the middle of it. I envision you feeling pulled by both sides. But remember, there is only one side. The right one.</p><p></p><p>Our dreams about our children are history, now. They make their own dreams. All of us are in the same boat now. It is hard, I know.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704971, member: 18958"] I do not want to be harsh. But I want to be direct. Please hear this as support. You are not in the middle. If you choose to, you can see that everybody is on the same side. Even your son. Especially your son. Your son does not want to have sores on his face. He wants the love of his family, even though he is misusing you. He is acting out because he feels he needs to or even wants to right now, but the child you love is still there. He wants you to fight for him, but not in the way that he articulates or demonstrates. He does not want you to give into his demands. He does not need you to capitulate to him. Think of him as in his terrible twos, 2 decade later. It is no different. You would never have let him run into the street. If he threw a tantrum, you would contain him with your body, but contain him you would do. You would not let him hit or bite his siblings or you, without a consequence. To protect him and to teach him, you would have acted. I know this. This is no different. Believe me. It just seems like it. Yes he has free will. Yes he is legally an adult. But he is acting like an unrestrained and undisciplined child. And you are his mother. You will always be. You are not responsible in the same way as 20 years ago. Your responsibility now is to not let him hurt you, your other children, or your family. Your responsibility is to absolutely not allow him to disrespect you or to abuse you and your home or your family. Every single one of these things, he needs. He requires. He cannot be allowed to mistreat the people who love him. You are standing up for him, his own best interests, if you stand up for yourself. Any contact that is abusive must stop. Do not argue with him; do not fight. I would not engage him at all if he cannot accept your authority. Not over him. Over your home. In your relationship, you are the boss of yourself. He is not the boss of you. It is this that your husband and daughter now see. It is not that you are in the middle, as you are still choosing to see yourself that way. Honestly, if your son is being so hurtful or if the family is being hurt by his presence or influence, I would call a time out for awhile until it can be determined what exactly you will need to be safe. For 6 months, I would not call my son, nor allow him here. When he called, I said hi, bye, so, and no. Then I set a very firm limit on what I would not talk about. If he crossed that line, I told him I would hang up. And I did. You are not alone in any of this. Not any of it. For right now, I think you need to get out of the middle of it. I envision you feeling pulled by both sides. But remember, there is only one side. The right one. Our dreams about our children are history, now. They make their own dreams. All of us are in the same boat now. It is hard, I know. [/QUOTE]
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