Maneuvering through this maze

[newstart]

After my mom died last May, I had 4 others pass, last night I went to another funeral for a friend of mine, I have known her since 1978, C was only 66. I remember when C's teenage daughter was out of control, and C helped her but then when C's daughter was in her early 20s C decided she did not want to put up with her crap anymore and broke contact. I did not know all the dynamics of C's relationship with her daughter but when she was done with her daughter's BS, she was done, it was severed. I went to the funeral last and talked to C's daughter. The daughter admitted she was not good, that she wished things were different and when her mother cut ties, she cut them sharp and hard and did not get to know her 3 grandchildren or the daughters husband. The daughter told me 'Mom just did not want all that drama in her life' and I wished we both could have tried harder to have a relationship.

I went home with much on my mind. I don't think C took her daughter to counseling or sat through a mother/daughter session. I took my daughter to counseling and mother/daughter counseling and I think it made a difference, one time the counselor looked at my daughter and said 'you act like an a**' and another time the counselor told her she acts like a psychopath.

Last night C's daughter was very remorseful, wishing things had been different, she felt genuinely grieved, even though there was no relationship between the mother and daughter, the daughter loved her deeply but now it was too late.

I think the love is there with our troubled kids, the dynamics are so that it is not workable.

My daughter moved her spa to a lower rent place and she got a full time job.
Years ago when my daughter bought her first condo, she gave me a fake address. I asked my daughter where her new job was and she gave me another fake address. I told her yesterday that I want to visit her at her new job, she then gave me the right address.
What is up with the constant fake address?
I am glad that her new job is about 45 minutes from her home. Hopefully her boyfriend will not be hanging out there much, he is already giving her grief about not spending much time with him, he still lives with his mom at age 43 so his bills are covered and he has way too much down time.

I noticed a few good looking men my daughter's age at her new job, Please Lord help her find a man that can make a happy healthy couple with her. (Praying out loud).

My friend's funeral is heavy on my mind with me trying to regroup and rethink my plans on how to maneuver through my relationship with my daughter..It is really about healthy boundaries and detaching when you have to.

 

[OTE]

So sorry for your loss. Losing a long time friend does hurt.

Yes, its a lesson for all of us. But you are not C. You have contact. She made a choice for her life. We can't judge her. As you said, you didn't know all the facts. Nor do you know how much of what her daughter told you is true. You are doing the best you can for family. That's all anyone can ask.

 

[newstart]

So sorry for your loss. Losing a long time friend does hurt.

Yes, its a lesson for all of us. But you are not C. You have contact. She made a choice for her life. We can't judge her. As you said, you didn't know all the facts. Nor do you know how much of what her daughter told you is true. You are doing the best you can for family. That's all anyone can ask.

OTE, It is a lesson for all of us. My mind has been full. I went no contact with my daughter for a while, I think the reason we went back in contact is because of all the years of therapy we had and it was explained to my daughter that her actions are what is bringing all this hard life to her, even though it was explained to her in full detail by therapists she still goes off the rails.
In some ways I admire my friend that just passed, being able to just say "I have had enough of your crap' and make the break. I wish I could have that kind of strength, I did for 3 months but it was too hard for me. My relationship with my daughter is off balance with her taking way too much but I am working hard at restoring balance and detaching. I see mothers and daughters that are best friends, it is so healing to see such love and respect for each other. I want that but understand with a troubled adult it may not ever happen.

 

[BusynMember]

New Start, dont feel bad. You nailed it. Easy, balanced adult children are cinches to be good friends with. I have that with Jumper. She is always choosimg to be over and we dont fight. She chose a great man to marry. She doesnt ask for much except love. She has always been easy going. We have lots in common and do stuff together.

My oldest son is harder. He is self absorbed. We are close but our relationship is more about him than anything/anyone else. We are close as far as in daily contact bit its not like my daighter. I know all about him and my grandson but he doesnt know or care much about us. I am sort of glad he is in another state. He can be draining.

I am close to the other kids. Sonic lives near and checks in every day. Short, friendly check ins. We see him often. Princess is in Chicago. I dont see her or talk to her as much as Jumper. She is busy with my grand too. But we have really good talks. And sometimes we argue. But it always ends with hugs. She has a good heart.

Every mother/child relationship is different, and definitely some are smoother.

I had no relationship with my mom. She didnt want one and in retrospect she was not good for me or me for her. I feel she didnt like me and was abusive and she pushed me away (shrug). When she passed, i had already grieved her long before. She disinherited me and it is what it is. I choose not to speak to my sister so my brother wont speak to me.
He only speaks to me if I speak to sister. It is what it is.

There are reasons for the actions of others that we never know. I dont judge who talks to who. Sometimes we want to have a relationship, but we just cant for differing reasons.

You are doing all you can with a very difficult child. You are a rock star. You can not make your daughter easy to have a relationship with. But you have done all you can. More. A condo. A business. Money. Honestly my kids never had close to that. But you wanted to help.i dont blame you for this relationship struggle.

I dont blame your friend for hers either. I am fairly certain she was a good person who tried her best. Trying your best doesnt always mean a happy ending.

So sorry for your losses. Love and light! Hang in there! We care about you!

 

[Elsi]

OTE, It is a lesson for all of us. My mind has been full. I went no contact with my daughter for a while, I think the reason we went back in contact is because of all the years of therapy we had and it was explained to my daughter that her actions are what is bringing all this hard life to her, even though it was explained to her in full detail by therapists she still goes off the rails.
In some ways I admire my friend that just passed, being able to just say "I have had enough of your crap' and make the break. I wish I could have that kind of strength, I did for 3 months but it was too hard for me. My relationship with my daughter is off balance with her taking way too much but I am working hard at restoring balance and detaching. I see mothers and daughters that are best friends, it is so healing to see such love and respect for each other. I want that but understand with a troubled adult it may not ever happen.

I don't think I'll ever be able to cut off contact entirely, either. I keep my two difficult ones at arm's length, and try to navigate that fine line between letting them know I still love them without getting sucked back into their drama. It's not easy - I'm feeling myself getting sucked back in now. So I can understand why some need to maintain complete no contact, temporarily or permanently. It's a heartbreaking story, with no easy answers.

 

[BusynMember]

I could never go no contact with my kids. The other relatives I am better off without for personal reasons but I could not stop talking to my kids. On the other hand, i dont know what Id do if they hit me or stole from my bank account or were dangerous to my life and others. Some people have to deal with this horror. So....again.....it isnt fair to judge.

 

[bluebell]

I doubt my son and husband ever have contact again. I know it's only been a couple of months but it's long enough that I would have seen a crack in either one's resolve. But it did get violent and son did threaten to kill my husband. So yeah, SWOT, I never would have thought husband would go 'no contact' either but here it is.

But, saying that, I would take what C's daughter says with a grain of salt. I'm sure son would say those things now to a family friend. He's quite the charming fellow when he's not high and pissed off, esp to everyone except us. You just never know.

 

[newstart]

I doubt my son and husband ever have contact again. I know it's only been a couple of months but it's long enough that I would have seen a crack in either one's resolve. But it did get violent and son did threaten to kill my husband. So yeah, SWOT, I never would have thought husband would go 'no contact' either but here it is.

But, saying that, I would take what C's daughter says with a grain of salt. I'm sure son would say those things now to a family friend. He's quite the charming fellow when he's not high and pissed off, esp to everyone except us. You just never know.

Bluebell, Your son and husband might have contact again down the road when your son decides to straighten up. When I broke contact with my daughter for 3 months I had no idea how long it would be and I was willing to let it go on for as long as it took to let her know I will NOT be tollerating her BS. My daughter caused enough damage that I was so done with it and here I am with more of her constant drama. I so wish she would become an adult soon.

 

[bluebell]

Thanks newstart!

I also meant to tell you I'm so sorry for your loss. It is these longtime friends that get us thru these times sanely sometimes. I hope she was that for you. My son is 22. I did the math and I will also be 61 when my son is 36 (age of your daughter). I can't imagine going thru this for that long. It's been 9 years too many already. Hugs and thanks for the kind words.

 

[newstart]

Thanks newstart!

I also meant to tell you I'm so sorry for your loss. It is these longtime friends that get us thru these times sanely sometimes. I hope she was that for you. My son is 22. I did the math and I will also be 61 when my son is 36 (age of your daughter). I can't imagine going thru this for that long. It's been 9 years too many already. Hugs and thanks for the kind words.

Bluebell, I am so sorry for your hard times with your son. I hope by the time he is 25 that his frontal lobe has developed better and he changes for the better. There are many kids that make that turn for the better and I pray your son makes that turn. Looking back, I wished I would have come down on my daughter harder and faster but I allowed her to walk all over me. My daughters behavior was making me ill and I am usually a healthy person. Learning how to seperate with love is so hard but well worth it.