Manipulating mother in law .... GRRRRRR

[hearts and roses]

mother in law sent easy child $100 and a note that said she was thinking of her and to use the money for textbook expenses....and....get this, she signed it 'Grandma J'. This woman has NEVER, EVER acknowledged easy child or difficult child or me for our birthdays and barely squeezed out a gift for Christmas. She's never ever sent so much as a card and even when she's been at our house for a birthday (by accident) she still doesn't wish a happy b'day! AND, she has NEVER, EVER referred to my girls as her grands, NEVER. I once referred to her as 'Grandma J' and she corrected me and said, 'J is fine'. She has never wanted to be a part of our (mine and girls) lives. Never wanted to be 'Grandma' to my girls even though shes known them since they were 4 and 6!!! Why now? Why all of a sudden? I truly believe this is a part of her manipulative plan to get into my house, omg, this woman is shameless. I wish I could tell easy child to send her the money back with a thank you but that it's too much. What a b***h.

 

[buddy]

does she know yet she can't live with you? I think I missed an update. sorry. so, is she trying to add guilt to the pile so she can change hubby's mind?

hope I am remembering which persons mother in law this is, sorry if I am wrong in the story details

 

[hearts and roses]

No, you got it right, Buddy. She doesn't know it, but sister in law and brother in law have hinted to her apparently, so she's aware that there are some lingering doubts I guess. She's trying to butter us all up? Ugh, pathetic. Just makes my stomach ache thinking of all the birthdays over the years that came and went without her or fils recognition. And the girls when they were little asking why they didn't send a card for OUR birthdays (H always got one). I guess this is hitting me more now because difficult child's b'day just passed without a word and pcs b'day is Thursday. Timing really can be everything.

 

[buddy]

oh for sure it hurts more when one in the family is ignored....especially a difficult child. And since it is so out of the blue you are right, it smacks of panic maybe and so manipulation. Well, maybe if she adds up all of the birhdays for each kid and sends that???? (kidding--I know money can't make up for the lack of love)

 

[DDD]

She may be manipulating...or...she may be trying to begin thinking like a family member. If some friend has suggested to her that she should change the way she interacts, it's possible that she took it to heart. Either way, H&R, the only important thing is husband sharing the news with her before she starts selling her furniture and preparing for incorporation into the family. Let it go. Stay focused on the prize.
Hugs DDD

 

[hearts and roses]

She may be manipulating...or...she may be trying to begin thinking like a family member. If some friend has suggested to her that she should change the way she interacts, it's possible that she took it to heart. Either way, H&R, the only important thing is husband sharing the news with her before she starts selling her furniture and preparing for incorporation into the family. Let it go. Stay focused on the prize.
Hugs DDD

.

Oh, DDD, always my voice of reason. I know you're right, just peeves me is all. I'll let it go and get over it but man! ;o)

 

[susiestar]

I admire your restraint. I would have a VERY hard time not confronting her, probably in writing so it was VERY clear that she CHOSE to not allow your children to call her Gma J and she CHOSE to not not include you or your children as part of her family, so if she wants to change that she needs to come to you and discuss the matter, NOT just acknowledge one child's birthday when she just ignored the other.

DDD is, as usual, the voice of reason, and I would follow her wise councel. But it would be HARD to not confront this issue. I hate this type of thing.

((((((hugs)))))) I know it was very hard to see your girls wondering and possibly hurt by her rejection in the past. I do hope that she is trying to change because she feels she should and NOT as a way to try to get into your home. I also hope H will man up and tell her that she is not going to live with you.

Part of me, the small, not so nice part, thinks that maybe you should get her to sign the house over to you and H before you tell her. That is manipulative, so I don't think that it is a mature way to handle things. I would urge you to see an atty about your options should she decide that since she can't live with you she is going to sell the house or not sign it over to you.

 

[DDD]

I have lived and do live on the other side of that coin. Two sets of grandchildren call me by my first name due to parental guidance. Yikes! My eldest SD and I have never been tight. Her now grown kids have always called husband "Grandad" and I am "X". My daughter in law didn't want anybody to be called grandparent names except her parents. Believe it or not (nice reasonable me, lol) find it very disrepectful. In my generation you didn't call any adults by their first name! But...I realized that it was a back burner item.The important part is that the grandchildren are raised in loving homes even if they are denied the extra benefit of deep attachment to their grandparents. "Accept the things you can not change". Not easy but important. Sigh. DDD

 

[buddy]

There are so many names that can be used for a grandparent, too bad that they are/have been so ugly about it. It is obviously not about the name. My step mom, who we love but she is NOT mom... she has been married to my dad since before we had any kids so they know no different than that she is Grandma X(first name). My dad is papa and my mom is nana. They got the special grandparent names for sure but she LOVES them dearly and has their pictures up at work etc. (she is in her late 50's will be 60 soon). My grandma had a boyfriend (grandpa died long before I ws born) and we called him grandpa tom. really anyone is welcome in our family. it is sad for me that these people missed out on such a great experience of having grandchildren to enjoy. I will never have that. Not sorry for myself, but I sure wouldn't waste it if I did have it.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well...my step-mom never wanted me to call her anything but Pat. She also never wanted my kids to call her anything but Pat. No grandma Pat. She is Memaw to her grandkids. She didnt want my kids to call her that. She knew Billy before she married my dad but he wasnt really talking much so it wouldnt have been a stretch for him to learn to call her Memaw. Pat was actually friends with my mom when I had Billy. Then my mom and dad split up and within a year and a half my dad and her were dating and by 3 years my dad and her were married.

It would have been difficult for me to call someone that I had known since I was 9 as my mother's friend who was now my step-mom any sort of "mother" name. However, I would not have been adverse to having the kids call her a grandmother name. She didnt want it and as we have seen since my father's death, she sure didnt feel we were any sort of family to her.

 

[Shari]

This drives me to the brink, too, H&R. Brooms does the same thing...butters me up when she wants something...

While it is true she may have figured out she has to play nice to get something she wants, she has a lot of time to make up, and I'd be making darn sure she plans to stick out this little ploy for the long term before she got squat from me (as in, its about time you decided to be grandma....welcome to the family....but you're still not living here)

My inlaws have been treating me decently for about 6 months now, and its scary. I think, to a degree, they have figured out that cgfg tends to hang with me, and if they want to see her, they have to make an attempt to accept me. They are making that attempt, although they have also been quite happy to tell folks why they still don't like me...but at least they are putting forth a tad of effort.

 

[hearts and roses]

In the beginning, I tried and I think she and father in law even tried a bit. But it went downhill very fast when mother in law made comments and showed signs of unacceptance. Initially, it was fairly painful, but after a while it just became what it is. We're nice and cordial with her and that's it. No more bending over backwards, no extras.

The worst part was that after being held at arm's length by their dad as little girls, to then again be shunned by this woman...well, it was just not nice. I hated having to explain the whole "some people have a difficult time expressing their feelings and showing love the way we are used to", yada yada yada.

I don't care how far she bends over at this point, she's not moving in with us. I just cannot believe how this supposed 'crazy depressed' woman can pull out all the stops and be this manipulative. So, how crazy is she really????

I have to taken to visualizing her in a nice little apt.

 

[Shari]

Oh, no, I'd never let her move in either. Not in a million years.

But personally, I am trying to accept my mother in law's new treatment of me and not meet it with the decade of resentment that it deserves. Its not gaining her any status in my life (or rooms in my home), but I also don't want to dis her efforts, Know what I mean??

When Wee came running at the ripe old age of 5 crying because she loves only cgfg, that was pretty much it for me with her and the koi. I put my foot down, and she hates me for. Too bad. I don't tolerate adults being downright mean to kids, and expecting a boy call you grandma since he was 6 months old, but then repeatedly shunning him because he's not "real" is mean.

 

[DammitJanet]

OMG Shari! Keyana's brothers call us Grandma and Papa and I would never, ever shun them! Not even in all this koi that is going on. I havent asked that they do it but since she does, they do. I would never hurt them just because of adult nonsense. I am going to be good to kids because they deserve it.

 

[Shari]

I'd have gotten it if she didn't expect to be called and referred to as grandma. Fine. Then we could have explained this is cgfg's grandma, and these other people are your grandmas. But that's what Brooms wanted. Cgfg calls ex-inlaws grandma/grandpa/uncle/aunt/etc. Calls my family the same. So when Brooms started calling herself grandma to Wee, no big deal. Or so I thought.

Til she also decided to adamantly enforce the Wee wasn't a "real" grandchild, and she had no obligation to him or desire to treat him without prejudice. Cgfg aquired 2 sets of grands when I came into the picture. And Wee aquired 0. Bull manure.

Even now, as she is being nice to me, I've recently been informed that I am expected to help husband in his role as executor of their estate when they are gone, despite being told I want none of it. She is aware husband can't handle it alone, nor afford it. Three days later came the stinger...there's to be a spot held out for cgfg and cgfg only to build a home when/if she ever wants. Really? I am to support my husband emotionally and financially to help him "save" his family farm that me or my kids can never be a part of? I'd always suspected it...now I know.

And Janet, kudos to you. That's the way it should be, IMVHO. It doesn't mean you need to spoil any of them (I mean truly spoil/enable, like Brooms has done - going behind parents backs to purchase things or send kids on trips when they'd gotten in trouble and weren't supposed to go on or giving them money when they were working to pay off money they'd stolen, etc...not "spoil" like sending a goody bag at Halloween).

And H&R, don't send me your mother in law's address. I have no patience left for that kind of BS. She better be sending a card for every holiday every year for the rest of her life if she's making a change. Grrr... I'm sorry.