marriage counselor said..

[Jena]

again why are you both here?? LOL

i went alone today, husband got called into work last night someone quit at his other store so he had to work today on his day off. so i went alone to therapy, than next week he'll go alone etc.

anyway sat with-the guy today and first thing he said was Jen what are we doing with this? it seems there are some seriously deep rooted issues i dont' feel like we're getting anywhere.... so i laughed and said i was going to tell you the same thing. i said nothing personal yet we come and argue infront of you, than we leave

there isnt' anything being resolved, discussed etc. he said i feel the same way, and i've also noticed with one of the issues you have huge problem with he wont' address it, he keeps deferring, redirecting etc. i said well you should tell him that.

he said your point on this one is dead on right whether i'm supposed to say that or not as your marriage counselor. he said i think he's got junk to work thru and he isnt'.. i say yay at least someone sees it!!

i said he goes to therapy gives his therapist what he wants so he gets back what he wants. you cant' control therapy it takes a life of its own on.

so he said you have to decide what you want, your fencing it. i said yup i know. i said i've regained back partially and work on it everyday the life i lost somewhere along the line. i said i'm doing for me now and it feels great. he said you have to decide if it's killing you this relationship if it's worth it. he said dont' do anything to jeopardize your integrity or newly found great respect for yourself. i said i won't.

im just not ready to decide, kid wont' be back into school till september, i'm not not sure yet what i want regarding this marriage. i said my feelings for him have changed i've come to find, it's different now. my view of him has changed also, it's different now.

ahhh such is life.......

i just thought it was priceless when i walked in and he said what are we doing ?? LOL i was like umm your the professional you tell me!!!

 

[Jena]

i'm adding onto my own thread.... lolya know me

thing is counselor said happy marriages are intimate 2 times a week on average if more happens than great. his need is hyper sexual. he said i think it may be from the prior marriage (ex has everyday at least once a day; probably trying to convince herself she wanst' gay subconsciously) which is understandable, and also his need to feel "secure" it's the one thing that makes the insecurities go away.

he said him expecting almost everynight is not the average at all. i just felt so relieved i guess to hear someone finally say it black and white for me. nevermind the lying and other issues. i told him even if i can write down teh good things about him try to find that love again, i think if he doesnt' address this issue i'll ware down, i'm getting older his work schedule is insane and i can't keep up. i shouldnt' have to feel like "i have to" either...... it should happen when it happens naturally..... he said AGREED.

its' absurd even with this hanging i'm still partially happy right now. i'm def. changing for the better i can feel it in my bones, iv'e waited a long time for this. should be interesting to see where I'll be in a years time. he asked me I said probably working,writing on the side trying to get published, working with the horses (i'm donating time to a handicapped theraputic riding place this weekend coming), painting, beinga mom seeing my friends. a full life. where he fits i have no clue

 

[AnnieO]

Jen - I have to respectfully disagree - happy marriages include a compromise sexually - that could be every other day, once a month... 2x a week does not hold water with me. Some of the times husband and I have been happiest, it's been almost not at all. Others, frequently.

But when there is a disconnect - and a lot of times, there is - one person getting upset and childish because it's not happening on their schedule? Is awful. This isn't gonna help.

 

[Jena]

i'Tourette's Syndrome just a poll kinda thing you can look it up, it's most happy couples on average do it 2x a week. he was just pointing out hes extreme and i was like yay someone finally said it!! lol like i was yes 2 years old........

 

[AnnieO]

Wow... In that case, there must be someone out there "happily" going at it 4x a day... To average me out in the last few years...

 

[DaisyFace]

Jena--

Yes, it may be the "average" answer when one takes a poll....but more or less does not mean there is an 'extreme'.

Truthfully, desire for sex varies from person to person. Some people want it every day - some people really don't care if they ever have sex again. It becomes a problem if their partner does not share the same level of desire.

The "happiest marriages" (whoever determines that title) probably have partners whose sexual desires are pretty close. A 3x per week marries a 2x per week, for example. Or a 'rarely' marries a 'rarely'. etc

If you don't naturally fall at the same level of desire - then a compromise of some sort needs to be negotiated.

When a "gotta have it every day" marries a "eh-not really interested"...there's gonna be a LOT of compromising to do - but it doesn't mean there is a "right" or "wrong", nor does it mean they are doomed to an unhappy marriage.

You can work this out...

You just need to meet halfway.

Hang in there!

 

[DDD]

You've been married eight months and at least three of them have been totally stress filled. In the years before you married I rather doubt he was less amorous. Circumstances have changed and for some people intimacy is a stress reliever and a bonding activity. Perhaps he has heightened needs in an effort to feel needed. on the other hand alot of us react to stress with a strong need to savor our time alone as a way to refresh before the next crisis. It can be difficult for sure. DDD

 

[Jena]

the argument here isn't really what's normal what's not or what's the average...... it is more about husband's reluctancy to even address the issue in therapy.

he doesn't just look to sex as ahh a nice something as i do. it's an extreme need of his to the point whereas if he doesn't get it he's on his easy child on his phone in bathroom watching porn. he's hostile when he doesnt' get it, maybe that's too strong he's clearly aggitated. he expects to do it at in appropriate times that'll NEVER be me. so i'm not the i dont' want to do it woman. i'm the i reserve the right to do it when i want to and when my heart and head are connected. if your lying to me, or upsetting me well than good luck toyou and your phone basically.

this is just one of many many issues. prior to marriage to be honest he wasn't this bad. he had moments of badness yet mostly it was ok and workable. since difficult children two hospitalizations he's neediness has tripled. as his lying as is his nasty attitude. triple triple triple.

marraige just shouldtn' be this hard, life is too short. if it doesnt' work with some counseling than sheesh why spend your life "trying" to make it work when there's a whole life out there waiting to be lived maybe alone maybe in a decade with someone else. see my point?

we had our problems prior to marriage, yet it was def. different. the tone once married was quite different. he was elated to say the least. our wedding day he had a smile peeled on his face the entire day. my friends looked at pics and said wow he's beside himself...... as he should be. he even said to me isnt' it nice to know that regardless of what mistakes we make we'll always forgive eachother and always be together buddies for life. i was like wow kinda deep for shallow husband of mine.......

yet once i went into first hospital all that changed drastically. he states on monthly basis now our marriage is over i'm leaving you. ok i say leave than you know where the door is located. i told the therapist he was like what?? omg he can't do that that's absurd. i said yup that's him

we go to therapy fight in therapy infront of the guy it's ridiculous lol. thank god al i have to say is he's only here two days a week. we manage very well on those days with all the kids. if he was home 7 nights a week we would of been divorced already. also the job isnt' getting any better either.

key to it all a friend told me go to therapy yourself. and so i did and have been and working on getting my life back i lost years ago once i got with him so to speak. his junk ex kids the drama engulfed me i dropped friends, what i loved to do etc. now i'm taking it all back little by little and i feel empowered.

which is good. therapist said sex shouldtn' be lined up on his way home kinda thing. it should be something that naturally occurs..... and the soga continues. he just doesnt' respect me enough i feel. this a.m. for instance i said to him i'm not mad you snore, i'm just upset you refuse to get a nose strip to avoid keeping me up each night. (i've asked him repeatedly, and he states your controlling how i sleep now also?) so he responded with go find someone that doesnt' snore than as i walked out door to go to marraige counselor. stupid. just stupid. i care about him still, yet it's going to take a whole lotta time and a whole lotta effort on both parts if it'll ever work again. he's lied too much, said too many nasty things as of late, i'm just not feeling it anymore.

his work is bad, it was supposed to get better yet it's getting worse. i want to go back to work in sept. il'l have to go to bed early to rise early. he wants me up late till 2 a.m. with him. i said no can't happen. we will just see eachother on friday and sat. nights. he was like try to find a job that you can do on a flex schedule soyou can sleep in a bit. i said what? i'm not working my job around yours, plus difficult child goes back to school next year i'll be up each day at 6:30 to push her out the door so i'll be going to bed early.

answer here is cut back on work once i'm working actually spend time with your kids, live your life, yet he doesnt' want to. work is what he likes best. he gets to act like he's 20 with all the young kids he works with. he's better suited for that.
sheesh this was long sorry

 

[TerryJ2]

Argh. What a mess.

i'm def. changing for the better i can feel it in my bones,

This is the best part! And basically, all I can say is keep this in mind at all times and work in this direction.

 

[Star*]

Well - here's a good HYPOthetical question - for ya -

If something happened to you today? (GOD FORBID) and you couldn't 'perform' ever again?

Would he stay married to you? Faithful?

Yeah there's one to ponder for a while.

Cause it could happen.

Or if it was the other way around........would you stay married to him? Faithful. Ya'll have kids -

Now - talk about a good marriage without it - what's left for either of you?

 

[1905]

Just an idea....but, husband and I are both busy and we have to make time for intimacy. We don't care what's going on around us. It's like, ready.....go! Luckily we're both on the same level of what we need. Twice a week and I would be very cranky too! Maybe you could just meet him halfway, have a discussion and agree on some amount- you want 2, he wants 7- so how about 4? Then you can both be happy. I know it's hard to have time and privacy, but just do it! in my opinion the stars and moons will never be aligned just right with romance and glitter, most of time it just may be a ....quick fit it into the schedule.

 

[Josie]

To add on to upallnight's idea, sometimes you could stay up late to wait for him and sometimes he could wake up early to meet your schedule. You could alternate.

I don't see how it would ever just happen naturally when you are both on such different schedules.

And, I wonder what the therapist says to husband when they are alone. It seems odd that he would just totally take your side like that when husband isn't there. I have only been to marriage counseling once and husband was there too, so I don't know for sure, but I thought it would be more about facilitating discussion and agreement between the two of you, not one of you is wrong and the other is right. Two tdocs that I talk to both declined to talk to husband or do marriage counseling since they couldn't be as neutral as necessary since they already knew "my side".

 

[Jena]

Star

exactly my point........ hammer once again nail hit it dead on!! LOL..........

love is like friendship on fire........ the key word is "friendship" without the friendship nothing else works. passion fades in time, our looks well they change too, as well as attraction..... yet that friendship is what bonds, what helps you hold the hand of your loved one when their ill, or when you may have to help them change their diaper let's say lol. i'm sure i made my point here....

 

[DammitJanet]

I think you hit something on the head when you said that things have gotten worse since the marriage happened and all the difficult child junk really went haywire. He started feeling much needier. I have strong feelings of hypsexuality...or did for most of my life...and sometimes it wasnt so much the actual act of intercourse but the craving for that bonding and connection that you can only get when you are that close to another person.

Now that I am really not a well person, sex is not as easy for me and Tony anymore. I dont know that we ever fit into that 2 times a week statistic. Either we were rabbits or we just didnt have time or like now, my pain levels are so horrible that it isnt easy anymore. However we are still very close and intimate with each other. We are still bonded closely. Sure we wish we were still 25 with all the energy and stamina that was there back then but life bit us in the butts...lol.

 

[DaisyFace]

And, I wonder what the therapist says to husband when they are alone. It seems odd that he would just totally take your side like that when husband isn't there. I have only been to marriage counseling once and husband was there too, so I don't know for sure, but I thought it would be more about facilitating discussion and agreement between the two of you, not one of you is wrong and the other is right.

I wondered about that, too...

In any marriage - the issue is not who is "right" and who is "wrong"...it's learning to see the relationship from the other's point of view and making sure that YOU are doing everything YOU can to be a loving, supportive partner. Some people call that "work" or "making your marriage work"....but I don't think that's how it should be viewed...

I love my husband. I want to make sure that I am giving him what he needs....in all categories - friend, lover, sounding board, confidant...

and if I can't fill a certain role? Say he needs a "camping buddy" - well, I don't camp....so I make sure that that's something he gets to do with other people without me giving him a lot of flak...

And the same goes in reverse. husband tries to be everything that I need....but if he can't fill a certain role? He lets me spend time with my friends without complaint... Friends are great at filling the roles that our spouses cannot play. Camping Buddy. Mall Pals. Fishing Buddy. Girls to gab with. etc

Problems arise when spouses feel they have to go outside the relationship to fill the important roles "Friend", "Lover", "Confidant"...

And even then, it's not about right and wrong...

It's about finding ways to be more available to one another.

Good luck, Jena! Let us know how it goes...

 

[DDD]

You know I have never been in marriage counseling. My first marriage ended after ten years and I do believe it was the right choice as Ex simply could not deal with difficult child and how her needs dominated our home. There were other issues, of course, but it seemed like the right choice. I was surprised how much it impacted all three children even tho there was never fighting in our home etc. and he wasn't the perfect Dad. My seond marriage has lasted well over thirtyyears and will continue until we are pushing daisy's. BUT I did suggest marriage counseling during high stress times with both husbands. Neither was willing to go and "share" with a "stranger". I chalk that up to maleness. Sexist?? Well, yeah, but I've been close to alot of men and none of them felt warm and fuzzy about discussing fears, weakness, concerns. Maybe its generational but I don't think so.

So......admitting I am not an expert.....I don't think your therapist is "running" the sessions. Friends who have had successful marriage counseling have shared that no fighting is allowed. One person addresses a concern. The therapist is like a referee and a teacher in forcing/guiding discussion about one issue at a time. Unless flagrant abuse is involved the therapist gives each party the opportunity to describe how they feel about one issue. The partner listens, tries to digest and is guided. Very often the "hot button" is not addressed for a few sessions because the "hot button" is not the entire subject. It's important to discuss the many smaller issues that have brought on the breach in the marraige. I think the point is to get beyond the accusatory stage and get to communication/compromise stage working on different components.

Personally I don't know of one marriage with difficult child's that retains the happy, smiley, joyful demeanor of newlyweds. How sweet that would be! DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well - here's a good HYPOthetical question - for ya -

If something happened to you today? (GOD FORBID) and you couldn't 'perform' ever again?

Would he stay married to you? Faithful?

Yeah there's one to ponder for a while.

Cause it could happen.

Or if it was the other way around........would you stay married to him? Faithful. Ya'll have kids -

Now - talk about a good marriage without it - what's left for either of you?

That was almost something my husband and I had to discuss the first time I had cancer. I had no idea how bad it was going to be and read horror stories of women who had to have major surgery and couldn't have sex anymore because of it. It scared me because I don't know how my husband would handle that. Sure, he could say he would stick by me no matter what, but sheesh, he was a grumpy butt this morning because he hasn't gotten any in the past few days!

 

[Jena]

hi

yes i see everyones' point, yet to be very honest about it, when we spoke it was also about the lies and inappropriate behavior husband has presented with and brought into our marriage, and the fact that one cannot be "emotionally" in the right place to engage in intimacy to begin with.... husband expects it regardless of his behaviors, it'sa merry go round and he continues the untrustworthy behaviors due to that. round and round we go.

it came to light yesterday thru total accident that him and ex had a prolonged text session. he actually showed me the texts, crazy. i was supposed to get stepson to a rehearsal thing and i couldn't because my truck wasn't working it's broken. he text ex wife that and she lost it. she went on to say what a loser i am, how i'm just like him mom (who has extreme anxiety and is a shut in), how i dont' care at all about their kids, on and on she went. for no reason other than i asked for help from her and her wife to get the kid there due to my truck.

he than wrote in response to her remarks about me "i know your right i'm sorry i suck", he wrote how miserable he was with me, etc. to her, and than they went on to talk about prior junk from their marriage, things that went on when they spit.

i looked at him, and simply said wow how could you do this? you are so not over your last marriage at all, you never did the work, it's apparent. you two are still going through your divorce that happened five years ago. his response to what he wrote about me was i was just being sarcastic. so we havent' spoken. just deciding what to do. he needs time alone to figure himself out, get over his last marriage. i told him you had no business marrying me you weren't ready at all.

a seperation would probably be the best thing, wouldn't totally end it yet get the space we need, he really has alot of work to do bigtime. i could stay home with difficult child still and tutors and house bills would be covered. i'm just afraid of upsetting her, she loves my step kids as do i. i don't know if he'd be willing to still bring them here two days a week. last thing she needs now is a major shift like that she's doing better in some areas i dont' want to lose that. easy child's been home for handful of days now and is heading back to therapy today.

any thoughts? it kills me to hurt difficult child now. yet how can i let him stay here with all this? what anightmare. it's odd, his issues came to the surface more following us being married regarding ex and their junk. he obviously wants her Occupational Therapist (OT) know how miserable he is since she left him years ago hence complaining to her about me.

 

[Shari]

I understand your hands are somewhat tied in the situation as far as what you can do (leave vs not) and what you want to put difficult child thru (leave vs not), and again, I say, sometimes ignorance is bliss. i'm not saying ignore it forever, but right now, what can you really do about it? Not much. Its less anger and emotion for you to not even know. Treat him like a roommate til you have options. Continually exposing yourself to the horrors you can't change don't help anyone...they just make you (rightfully) angrier.

 

[Jena]

yes i thought of same, yet he won't tolerate living together "as friends" he's irritable, etc. so it's gotta come to a head. way i see it one's never stuck. its' all choices. i know in my mind the marriage is pretty much over it seems, i'm getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach i got 12 years ago when i told my ex to leave. it's that same feeling. so yea i'm hurting won't lie.

i just can't disrespect myself to that extent, and he'll bring it to a head anyway. which is why i thought if i throw out let's seperate that would be a good idea. maybe i could convince him to come by on his days off with kids still so as not to affect them terribly. buys me time, gives me calm.