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Marriage stressed/failing/failed........PARENTING
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 57451" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I found your description of his sister's and mother's responses very interesting. They will take him, but not the kids when he has them. This sounds very selfish... so is this how he was raised? To only think of himself and his own 'needs' before giving proper consideration to others?</p><p></p><p>And he "ordered" you to not call them - how dare he? </p><p></p><p>Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There are often times when one partner carries more of a load than the other, but it should all balance out in the long run. In our case, husband is the one who looks after the books, but he does it with me fully on board, knowing our position to the last cent. I am mostly the one organising the meals and accommodation as well as the various medical matters for the kids. We balance out. He helps me out when he can, he does tend to have a shorter fuse with the kids than I do, but we can talk about it (although sometimes we have to make the opportunity).</p><p></p><p>This hasn't come easy. We have had to constantly work at things. If we get lax, we get problems. If we don't immediately stop what we're doing and resolve these problems, things will get worse until we're at screaming point.</p><p></p><p>Things work for us because we both will respond to a sense of failure and helplessness by immediately digging in and facing the problems together. If he is concerned, he comes to me and says so. I do the same. And we each receive the other with, "We need to talk." And we do.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, this is not the case for many, especially those brought up in dysfunctional or selfish families. How can you learn to parent, if you've never been parented properly yourself?</p><p></p><p>I've seen problems in my siblings' marriages, mostly from partners who had no understanding of what a normal family life or commitment should be. Sometimes they can work it out - and sometimes they can't.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, you try. And when you've tried your hardest and things still aren't working, you have to find another way. Sometimes that other way will hold a relationship together. Sometimes that other way means leaving. But whatever path you choose to take, you must take it wholeheartedly and with full commitment. Never look back. Even if you feel you just made a terrible mistake, you have to continue. You can sit down and re-evaluate a decision, but once that decision is made you have to have the courage to OWN it. You made a choice - live with it. If that choice is to keep him, then keep him and be glad of his good points. If that choice is to ask him to leave, then whenever you feel doubt creep in, remind yourself of why you made that decision and do not reproach yourself for it.</p><p></p><p>You are a worthwhile person. You deserve a good life. You deserve respect. But in order to be respected as you deserve, you must first respect yourself. You have been disrespected so much that you have lost this. You must get it back, and get it back for yourself and by yourself. If you choose to keep him - your choice. But find your own respect by yourself. Don't lay any of this on him - once you respect yourself he will have no choice but to follow your example, whatever your relationship is with him by then.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. We're with you. Do not see us as being critical of you - that is your lack of confidence disrespecting you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 57451, member: 1991"] I found your description of his sister's and mother's responses very interesting. They will take him, but not the kids when he has them. This sounds very selfish... so is this how he was raised? To only think of himself and his own 'needs' before giving proper consideration to others? And he "ordered" you to not call them - how dare he? Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There are often times when one partner carries more of a load than the other, but it should all balance out in the long run. In our case, husband is the one who looks after the books, but he does it with me fully on board, knowing our position to the last cent. I am mostly the one organising the meals and accommodation as well as the various medical matters for the kids. We balance out. He helps me out when he can, he does tend to have a shorter fuse with the kids than I do, but we can talk about it (although sometimes we have to make the opportunity). This hasn't come easy. We have had to constantly work at things. If we get lax, we get problems. If we don't immediately stop what we're doing and resolve these problems, things will get worse until we're at screaming point. Things work for us because we both will respond to a sense of failure and helplessness by immediately digging in and facing the problems together. If he is concerned, he comes to me and says so. I do the same. And we each receive the other with, "We need to talk." And we do. Unfortunately, this is not the case for many, especially those brought up in dysfunctional or selfish families. How can you learn to parent, if you've never been parented properly yourself? I've seen problems in my siblings' marriages, mostly from partners who had no understanding of what a normal family life or commitment should be. Sometimes they can work it out - and sometimes they can't. The thing is, you try. And when you've tried your hardest and things still aren't working, you have to find another way. Sometimes that other way will hold a relationship together. Sometimes that other way means leaving. But whatever path you choose to take, you must take it wholeheartedly and with full commitment. Never look back. Even if you feel you just made a terrible mistake, you have to continue. You can sit down and re-evaluate a decision, but once that decision is made you have to have the courage to OWN it. You made a choice - live with it. If that choice is to keep him, then keep him and be glad of his good points. If that choice is to ask him to leave, then whenever you feel doubt creep in, remind yourself of why you made that decision and do not reproach yourself for it. You are a worthwhile person. You deserve a good life. You deserve respect. But in order to be respected as you deserve, you must first respect yourself. You have been disrespected so much that you have lost this. You must get it back, and get it back for yourself and by yourself. If you choose to keep him - your choice. But find your own respect by yourself. Don't lay any of this on him - once you respect yourself he will have no choice but to follow your example, whatever your relationship is with him by then. Good luck. We're with you. Do not see us as being critical of you - that is your lack of confidence disrespecting you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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