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Marriage stressed/failing/failed........PARENTING
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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 57468" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>Ok I had to respond to this post. My husband and I are married 36 years and have been on the verge of a divorce for 36 years. He was never involved to the level I needed when the children were being raised up. But they were there and husband was a good provider.</p><p>He did undermine me and made raising the kids harder than it had to be. He did cheat on me. He did stand by and allow his mother to abuse me. I could have left but I didn't. All the reports back then said that kids needed their fathers and that divorce was often harder on them than a dysfunctional family. husband and I didn't fight in the presence of the children everyone who knew us though we had the perfect marriage and were so "in love". When the kids got older and some were out on their own I revisited the idea of divorce. The impact on our retirement possibilities is enormous. so we decided to leave the marriage intact. Many of the issues that we had when the kids were younger no longer exists. But much of the pain he caused me still lies just under the surface of my consciousness. I push it away and tell myself that I have now chose to stay with him for my own needs and that if I do I must respect him and honor him. He has strengths and he can be a lot of fun. I try to dwell on that. But the reality is that if had to do it over I would have left him when I was pregnant with my first. My parents were willing to help me then. Two years later when My second was born and I asked them if the option of living with them until I got on my feet was still open they said "you made your bed now you can lie in it." So with no education and no support group to fall back on I decided to stay. I spent the next 15 years trying to gain an education and a means of being self supporting. When I finally got my degree in 1994 I thought I was home free. I was 47, still time to have a career and a retirement pension. Then sickness took over my life and here I am. Married 36 years to a man I still care about but do not love and have to work hard at respecting. Life is never perfect. It is a series of compromises. I sacrificed my independence from husband for my kids sake. Now I have grown to a place that realizes that I should have taken better care of myself and my needs along the way. My advice is weigh all your options. Make an honest assessment and answer the following question with candor and total honesty. "Am I better of with him or without him?" Then act accordingly. If you stay with him get to counciling to learn how to live together with respect for each others needs and dreams. If you decide to leave get your ducks in a row. Have a plan. Build a support system that includes daycare providers, respice, financial planners, Food stamps and medical care if necessary. When you have it all together then leave. Don't even tell him until it is in place. Many husbands have been known to do horrid spiteful things if they know the wife is planning to leave. Take care of yourself. -RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 57468, member: 2315"] Ok I had to respond to this post. My husband and I are married 36 years and have been on the verge of a divorce for 36 years. He was never involved to the level I needed when the children were being raised up. But they were there and husband was a good provider. He did undermine me and made raising the kids harder than it had to be. He did cheat on me. He did stand by and allow his mother to abuse me. I could have left but I didn't. All the reports back then said that kids needed their fathers and that divorce was often harder on them than a dysfunctional family. husband and I didn't fight in the presence of the children everyone who knew us though we had the perfect marriage and were so "in love". When the kids got older and some were out on their own I revisited the idea of divorce. The impact on our retirement possibilities is enormous. so we decided to leave the marriage intact. Many of the issues that we had when the kids were younger no longer exists. But much of the pain he caused me still lies just under the surface of my consciousness. I push it away and tell myself that I have now chose to stay with him for my own needs and that if I do I must respect him and honor him. He has strengths and he can be a lot of fun. I try to dwell on that. But the reality is that if had to do it over I would have left him when I was pregnant with my first. My parents were willing to help me then. Two years later when My second was born and I asked them if the option of living with them until I got on my feet was still open they said "you made your bed now you can lie in it." So with no education and no support group to fall back on I decided to stay. I spent the next 15 years trying to gain an education and a means of being self supporting. When I finally got my degree in 1994 I thought I was home free. I was 47, still time to have a career and a retirement pension. Then sickness took over my life and here I am. Married 36 years to a man I still care about but do not love and have to work hard at respecting. Life is never perfect. It is a series of compromises. I sacrificed my independence from husband for my kids sake. Now I have grown to a place that realizes that I should have taken better care of myself and my needs along the way. My advice is weigh all your options. Make an honest assessment and answer the following question with candor and total honesty. "Am I better of with him or without him?" Then act accordingly. If you stay with him get to counciling to learn how to live together with respect for each others needs and dreams. If you decide to leave get your ducks in a row. Have a plan. Build a support system that includes daycare providers, respice, financial planners, Food stamps and medical care if necessary. When you have it all together then leave. Don't even tell him until it is in place. Many husbands have been known to do horrid spiteful things if they know the wife is planning to leave. Take care of yourself. -RM [/QUOTE]
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