Can't type much or I'll cry but wanted to let my heartache out to those who will understand. Matt is turning 18 at the end of march. he's been in the alternative school and doing somewhat okay, lack of motivation and school hate is his problem. But he's been great at home and school behaviour wise. Emotionally as well he's seemed, he's been in a empty place. Stays in his room, hasn't been social since grade 8. It's been his choice to avoid his own inner difficult child if truth be told. He's been so afraid of doing wrong again, he's avoided everything in life to the point of major regrets. Anyhow, without dumping the gory details, he is dropping out at the end of March on his birthday. I know I can't stop him. He does understand how I feel and how much more I want from him. He has discussed a "plan" for himself with me and did accept my guidance (I gave it out of necissity not out of desire to help him leave school which I think is asinine). All I can do is try to help him set himself up for some other form of success and hope it works out. My mom heart is shattered. We do not live in a age or community or society where people without education can go anywhere. Even the difference between the US and Canada is huge. I know of people "working their way up" in the US. It is so hard even there. Here in Canada it is even more difficult. People here don't get chances like other places. You either have a background to get foot in door for something good, or you work minimum wage or slightly better jobs. Even a dual income household without kids struggle to pay basic low end rent prices on that salary. I also know Matt is so capable, so very very capable. He's bright, intelligent, quick to learn when interested, has so many interests that could be used to choose a good educational goal and career goal. Yet here I find myself setting up an appointment at a youth employment type place for him. I did set some pretty darn firm guidelines it will kill me to keep. Yet I will keep them. Even if it means I have to ask him to move out if he has no job. I see defeat in him, in his eyes and his spirits and his words and emotions. He feels life has beat him and can't see the forest for the trees. He can't see life looming large and wonderful and full of opportunities in front of him. My heart is broken yes. It is also burdened with fear for him. He needs to feel some sense and accomplishment to have faith in himself. I am afraid for him if he tries but fails, or doesn't try hard enough and fails. I don't know how he can cope not only independently without tools for a life, but also how he can cope with true struggle and not knowing how to make his life into something he can feel proud of. I'm rambling. I apologize. I'm just gutted. I can't help it. I wanted more for my children. I'm so proud of how far he has come and his character as a human being. That doesn't mean I don't recognize how vulnerable he is, his anxieties, his disabilities, his obstacles beyond his own lack of motivation and lack of ambition or faith in himself. Then there's the glaring truth that I'm never getting to see him do that cap and gown walk. My mama moment as I called it. It was my own fault for making that a milestone in my head, a goal to gauge that I got him to a place he can springboard into life from. I just feel I didn't equip him with the right start, the right tools, the right guidance and motivators to want something more for himself. In all the things I feel successful in about raising him, none of them feel as good as this feels bad. PS. I lied at the beginning, I typed too much and can't stop crying. I think I am going to take a tea and book to bed for a few hours and let myself process this all. Tomorrow will feel better right?