Maybe My difficult child Is Getting Help Now????

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, Nov 5, 2008.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    As I've posted before, CPS removed my grandson from his father and has also not allowed my difficult child (grandson's mother) to have unsupervised visitation. As per usual, everyone was ordered to have psychological evaluations. All of the involved parties have been instructed and are indeed in therapy and taking parenting classes.

    I speak often with the CPS caseworker. They are befuddled by my difficult child. They know something is not right, but can't put their finger on it. I have not wanted to be real specific about her past, because I feel that at this time in her life she should either rise or fall on her own merit. I did tell the caseworker that I didn't know exactly (and I don't) what her problem is, but I know she has one and have talked with my difficult child about it. She denies any problem and gets VERY angry with me the few times I have brought it up encouraging her to get help.

    A couple of months ago, I was able to speak to the caseworker and told her that my difficult child did have some sort of mental health issue, but I didn't know what it was and I asked her if she could make services available to her. I told her that I felt that my difficult child could possible qualify for disability because of it. My difficult child took her time completing her psychiatric evaluation. It appears that CPS goes ahead and signs everyone up for therapy even before their evaluation results come back. My difficult child has been going to therapy. She doesn't speak to me about it and I really didn't expect that she would.

    I have asked the caseworker if she could / would share the parents psychiatric results with me, for my own curiosity and as a way to get help for my grandson. I know that due to Hipaa and privacy laws there was no way she could legally share with *me*. My grandsons therapist and psychiatrist yes.

    Well, today I attended a permanency hearing regarding my grandson and in the conversation and accounting of what the parents have completed, the CPS caseworker mentioned that my difficult child was in therapy AND that she has been referred to MHMR based on her evaluation. Well, I guess some red flags did show up after all. I know she is not retarded....... I still have no clue what, but it appears that they are making extra services available to her. I think I'm happy about that.

    Just to give you an idea of what we're working with here............ When the facilitator asked my difficult child where she wanted to see her son placed, my difficult child answered..... "either with me or his dad, whoever is safer". What kind of mother answers like that? Don't answer that, I already know. :9-07tears:
    My difficult child brought a new "toy" with her to this meeting............... She was sporting and keeping herself occupied typing and playing with a small Dell laptop. No, she was not taking notes. She also had to leave the room to once make and then answer a phone call. OMG.

    And to give you guys just a hint about his father............... The father denies that our grandson had any "issues" or behavioral problems before he was placed in foster care. I practically bit my tongue OFF, forcing myself not to say, so that is why he was constantly in trouble in school, everyday, and that is why he was peeing and pooping all over your house, and that is why he would get up in the middle of the night and sneak and eat half a loaf of bread, and that is why on two occasions he actually hung his 1 yr. old sister out of a window and that is why in the middle of the night at 4 yrs. old, he managed to sneak out of his bedroom window and go to the neighbors house and the final straw, that is why when his father was not at home and his live in other babies mama was sleeping in the morning, that same 4 yr. old unlocked the front door to runaway from home. Instead, I suggested that when all of these problems were going on that, that was the time that they needed to seek out help.

    That idiot actually had the nerve to speak down to me and tell me that in their family, (smacking hands together for effect)when a child misbehaves, they DO NOT take that child to a doctor! THEY................. take care of that problem themselves. I explained that yes, if you have a run of the mill naughty 4 yr. old, then yes, by all means handle that on your own, but when the problems were as severe and ongoing as these had been, they needed to make more of an effort to get help.

    I can't stand even talking to these ignorant people. They will lie and defend their asinine behaviors to their death. UGH!
  2. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'm still pretty riled up about that meeting, so I will just vent here. I guess I should have titled my post more appropriately.

    Our grandsons other grandmother, dad's mother, was very, very vocal during that meeting. She kept on and on about wanting more visitation and how two hours a week just wasn't enough. As a grandmother I understand that. And as a grandmother with custody, I wouldn't mind more of a break myself.

    First off, shouldn't our grandsons FATHER been the one asking for more visitation???? He acts like a little boy and has his mama do all his bidding. I kid you not.

    Other grandma asks the facilitator when can they have more visitation? Facilitator said they should have asked in court and either they would have to wait until the next court hearing in Jan. or they could ask an attorney to call a special session. Then she learns that our grandson is in "relative care" and that the parents should have easy access to their child.

    In the beginning, I allowed the father to come to my home to visit and then when he was given unsupervised, I allowed him to pick up and drop off at my home. It actually caused me more work because I had to drive back and forth to and from daycare to facilitate his visitation. I did that. Until.................. One day he came to pick up his son for visitation. I happened to watch as they went to the car and saw that he brought extra passengers that took up EVERY single seat in the car. I told him that he could not take his son without having a seat and a seat belt for him. It just so happened that my difficult child was here, so my grandson's dad decided to put his son in the car with my difficult child who is not allowed unsupervised visitation. So, I stepped out and told them that could not happen. Well, the dad started in with F this and F that mad, angry, cussing and carrying on. The other grandma, his mother was in his car and was yelling out the windows at her son. I went to my grandson who was holding his fathers hand, took his hand and told him we were going in and there would not be a visitation. The father was pulling on his son and begged me to give him a second chance. I told him that that was unacceptable behavior and if he did not leave my property that I would call the police. They left.

    The CPS caseworker told the facilitator that they did not have more visitation and not at my house because the father had an incident at my home. The facilitator said, there you go, that is what happens. The other grandma pipes up and says, there was fault on both sides. I said "excuse me"?!

    I did not continue with the other grandma. That woman makes me so angry! I can't believe it, but man! I really think I could become physical with her and that is so not my style.

    That family is angry with me! They actually looked at me and said they were angry that our grandson in now on medication. Guess why??? They don't believe in it, he didn't need it and the best one of all.......... we didn't ask their permission!

    I am also being blamed because....................... their son is not very excited to see them and doesn't really care when they leave. Well DUH! What do you expect when you only come once a week to see your child and you don't even bother to call him, ever!

    They also said that our grandson told them that he does not want to come back to our home and he doesn't like his school and wants to go with his dad. Okay. I just witnessed the CPS worker asking our grandson yesterday which was his favorite home to live at, ours, his dads or his moms. The answer was ours. His therapist has told the CPS caseworker that our grandson is very attached to me, and I know he is, and that he now considers our family HIS family. I have told all of them that while I am happy that he fees loved and comfortable in our home, we really need to help him accept that someday he will go back home. I have asked the CPS caseworker to give them more visitation, so that our grandson WILL have more ties with his father. That won't happen until they can keep their home clean and take care of their therapy issues, etc.

    They are angry with us??????????????? We have bent over backwards trying to accommodate them, I have taken our grandson to school, picked him up, to weekly therapy appts., the psychiatrist, medical and dental appts. bathed him, fed him, loved him, protected him, enjoyed him, read to him, played with him, taught him, disciplined him and have not been on a date or to dinner or alone with just my husband for the last 6 months and they are angry with me?????????? Grrrr. There. Now, maybe I can get to sleep.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hugs - I am so sorry! What an awful thing for a 4 year old have to deal with. Poor little guy!
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    What a bunch of drama addicts! But in answer to your question of why they're mad at you.......Well, of course they are. As long as they can be mad at you and make everything YOUR fault then that means none of this could possibly be any of THEIR fault. Typical difficult child reasoning.

    So sorry you're having to go thru such an awful mess. And no 4 yr old should have to be stuck in the middle. But I'm glad he has you. Hopefully with the therapy something will begin to click for your difficult child to get her to seek more involved treatment for her issues. I'm also so glad to hear the court is hanging tough with you concerning the others, they don't always do that.

    (((hugs))) for you and the little man
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Poor little much for him to deal with. And the other family? OMG! Lisa's right, it has to be your fault, because it certainly can't be theirs. What a mess all the way around. Big hugs and lots of strength for you and your grandson.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's a miracle that your head did not explode at that meeting.
    Somehow making a decent home and a decent living means you are the problem with the grandson and not the father and mother's irresponsible ways?or the sty they lived in?
    Don't believe in doctors or medication? That child would have died. He was on insulin because of his horrendous diet with those two numbnuts for parents.
    It's a good thing you do this for your grandson because it sure isn't appreciated by the parents and their ignorant relatives.
    The child is healthy, happy and trying hard to be a little boy instead of prop for the ignorant father and family as well as your difficult child 1.

    They will always be defensive because you are a hardworking, level headed, decent person who makes sacrifices for your family's well being. They will make you out to be a snob who wants to steal their grandson/son from a life of dysfunction. King Solomon needs to come in here. I am pretty sure those folks would go for cutting the child down the middle. Just to prove they got "their" fair share.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi M23

    You know I read your entire post (parts twice) because I thought to myself and daydreamed a little that somewhere my x and your grandsons biofather's family have GOT to be related. (something about 2nd cousin twice removed post rings here)

    And I wanted to share with you something that actually happened to me once I got away from the madness that was my sons' fathers family. See for years I did the "Yes maa'm, no maa'm " and took it from everyone, everyway that they had to dish it out about how horrible I was at being a Mother. By the time I left that family fighting and screaming, yelling and pounding fists and kicking things were normal. NEVER in my life was I like that - being around THAT family did it to me and they were very mentally ill.

    When I left - I left. I wanted NO contact with them and for YEARS went to therapy and began to live a life of peace and mellow contentment. So imagine my surprise when my xmil "found" us (in hiding) and made a stop at MY home. She got out of the van all stinky sweet and honey this, darlin' that and it was fine as long as I gave her answers she wanted. The minute she did NOT get her way? WHAM BAM - YELLING, SCREAMING, arm flailing, scene making, drama queen emerges and it fell over me to be the EXACT same way in a snap. DF came out of the den into the driveway and whistled. He was serious and not a man to be played with and said to her "I will NOT have you speaking to the love of my life in this tone, manner or fashion. IF you CAN NOT conduct yourself in an appropriate way then you will have to leave - plain and simple." With that she did calm down.

    What AMAZED me about the entire situation was that ((((I))) even after therapy and living a life of peace and contentment where NO ONE had yelled (except for difficult child) for years - and in an instant I was caught up in it again. Almost as quickly as it happened for me I stood there after DF whistled and thought "WHAT am I doing? I'm not like this any more, I wasn't raised like this, this is insane and demeaning to myself." and that was the last time I've done it.

    My point here is this (not to bore you ) but with your grandson - eventually he will PREFER the peace and quiet OVER the chaos and idiotic logic of his bio father's family. My own son who THRIVED for years in chaos - NOW seeks peace and quiet. And I don't care where he finds it - but it's interesting to see that even at 18 when he was "HIS OWN MAN" we see the things in him and traits in him that have changed him for the better. I never thought I would tell you EVER that he's actually at peace sometimes. There was always so much chaos. But living in a home with mellow and peaceful people? It's a good thing - and your grandson will prefer it (sounds like he already does)

    And the OTHER thing about the whole mess with my xmil? When she left I thought - OMG.....O.M.G.....HOW did I ever live with people like that and HOW very sad that she is SO uneducated on problem solving, has limited coping skills, and can't articulate herself in any other fashion other than what she feels gets her what she wants - I actually found myself feeling a tad (twinge) sorry for her and her sorry life....she died NEVER NEVER getting to know peace. Same with your gsons' biofather's Mom - she'll never know peace....and eventually your grandson won't want to be around them much at all - it will be too out of his lifestyle for him to enjoy -

    In the mean time - (sends superglue) do the best you can for keeping your lips pursed and saying NOTHING - you WILL come out to be the better person.

  8. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    Some people don't see all that goes into keeping a child safe,well fed and cared for.And how vigilant we have to be to keep them safe. You can never turn your back on a young child. They all sound a little clueless to me. Thank God there are court orders in place for the safety of this child. That is good that you could be patient and firm with them for the sake of grandson.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I could literally hear the brakes shrieking to a stop when I was reading about these people. Right at the part where they don't believe in medication. If we are talking about insulin, he just plain and simple isn't safe there. I'd be sure that CPS knows if he goes into inuslin shock in their care, you'll sue. They think they're going to smack him around, and that's all he needs? I wouldn't reference HIPAA at all, I would tell them that the statements about hitting as a form of control raises concerns about their ability to parent and you need to know who if anyone feels that they are ready to bring their son home, and what they base that decision upon.

    I swear to god, those people are not ready. And maybe one day they will be. But I would make sure that CPS knows that you have a place for your grandson until they are, and this ain't it, and you will fight it. They don't want to place him back with dad any more than you do. They know it will go wrong and they are just waiting for someone to dare them to try it with the threat of a lawsuit looming. It will give them the excuse they need to keep your grandson safe. I'm serious, I'd find the best domestic relations attorney I could find and get a consultation today.
  10. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    My grandson is not on insulin at this time. He *was* on insulin and is now honeymooning. At some point he will definitely need insulin again, it's just a matter of when. It's fortunate that I have taken my grandson to the same endocrinologist that they had him see. He is aware of his "family" situation and has told me to be sure and let him know when my grandson's living arrangements change as he too will be keeping an eye out and has said that he will not hesitate to make a report if need be.

    Things will never be perfect for my grandson, but I pray that he at least can be safe. These have to be the most ignorant people I've ever met. Ugh.

    Witz, my grandsons father did not say anything about hitting as a form of control. He smacked his hands together for emphasis. CPS caseworker, supervisor, and a couple of other CPS people were there to witness everything said and done.