Me again - feeling doubt and sadness

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by missy44, Jan 8, 2009.

  1. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    I'm back and missing my son, not the way my son is now, but the way he used to be. I haven't seen him since xmas. I thought we had a great time visiting with family members, skating, gifts (just clothing and toiletries) but then I found out that he had brought marijuana to my family's home and tried to sell it to his older cousins. So disappointed. Anyhow, we had a huge fight about it (a Facebook fight because I don't know how to get a hold of him) and we haven't talked/messaged since. I'm worried about him, not only do I think the marijuana use is out of control, but I'm convinced he's selling it. I'm not convinced only because of what happened at xmas, but other rumours as well.

    One positive thing is that he is going to visit him father tomorrow. His dad lives in another province (moved two years ago which i think affected our difficult child more than we knew). He visits his dad quite often but I was really surprised he agreed to go at this point. It shows me that he can leave the drugs for awhile. His father is like me and my husband, NO DRUGS! He is worried that he can't be here (he moved for work) and he wants a chance to talk some sense on him. Let's just hope difficult child doesn't try to sneak some dope on the plane (a big worry for me).

    What is bothering me lately is that I've been wondering if I have done enough? I read other posts and notice that many parents have taken their difficult children to the doctor, councelling, etc... The problems with our difficult child went from minor to bad so quickly that by the time the problem was huge we had asked him to leave our home. We gave him a chance to follow our rules, no drugs, no swearing and yelling and carrying on, go to college or get a job, and he didn't do any of them so we asked him to leave. Now it has been about 3 months, still no job, still not attending college, he's lost weight, using pot (that is all we know of), lives with some friend of his and this kid's mother, and that's that. I feel like a mother who has just given up, but in my heart I haven't... but I feel like I can't do anything. I've offered to take him to a doctor for a check up, I told him when he is ready to change to call us and we'll get him the help he needs, I've sent him weekly messages offering for my husband and I to take him to dinner (he says he's not ready), I bought him new clothes and plenty of food and toiletries for Christmas and took him to visit all of his family on Xmas Day and Boxing Day, but I'm wondering, is there something that I'm not doing?

    Thanks so much for listening. I'm just having a tough time today remembering the good times. Travelling with his hockey (he's a fabulous player and made a junior team this year but was released), I remember taking him to his first day of college this year and helping him buy his bookds (then he quit), I remember when he had his job where everyone loved him (then he quit) and I remember the laughs. My other children and my husband miss the old "him" too.

    Any thoughts or comments anyone.

    Warm regards....
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Missy, I'm afraid I won't be much help. I don't remember much of your story, other than what you have posted here so I can't recall the history behind things.

    It sounds as if your son wasn't a problem before this drug use started. Is that correct? No problems in high school? No learning disabilities or anything like that?

    If that's the case, it sounds like his wacky behavior is a direct result of pot/other substance abuse. Is that right?

  3. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    HI there,
    We always had attitude and respect problems. He could be quite mean at times and could never take no as an answer. But no, he was very smart, always went to school, never drank, had a long term girlfriend. started college and things went terribly. He came home stoned a few times, I actually took him to the emergency department to see what was in his system and it was just pot as he had claimed. But then he kept bringing the drugs into our home (was caught twice with it on him in the house after he was told specifically that no drugs were to enter the house), then he quit school, got fired, broke up with his girlfriend, wouldn't come home or call. My husband and I (and my ex) decided that we had given him every opportunity to follow our rules and he wouldn't so we told him to leave. He just wouldn't listen and our entire family was suffering with the fights, coming in at all hours, and coming home stoned.

    Thanks for taking the time to listen and answer my post... sorry I'm rambling, it's been a busy night.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

  5. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Thank you. I have been exploring Al-anon, the website in my area is a little confusing but I'm investigating and hoping to get some information.

    My husband and I are going to a family councelling session next week as I haven't been myself for the past three months and he is worried as well. As the biological parent and with his biological father miles away I feel very alone in my decisions and completely responsible.

    Thanks again.
  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    It sounds to me that you are doing all you possibly can. He is of legal age. He didn't start any of this behavior at an age where you could have done more. Don't beat yourself up - there really isn't much you can do. You can offer help to him but he has to be willing to take it. You are reading posts about parents who have done so much, yes but for younger children. Your son is technically not a child. What can you do? You cannot allow him to disrupt your home or the rest of your family. You should carry no guilt!!!

    by the way welcome. I hope things start looking up for you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Hang in there and God bless. :)
  7. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Thanks so much. Your post was exactly what I needed, just a little "you're doing a good job"! I have many good days, today just happens to not be one of them :D
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Missy, you are doing an excellent job! If anyone came onto the site asking for advice, I would advise them to do exactly what you are doing. He can only get well if he first hits bottom, and some people just take longer than others to hit that bottom. You have informed him that you will be there for him when he is ready. He knows this. When he has run out of "friends" and dope, he'll come around. Meantime, it is very natural for you to mourn what once was. Go ahead and mourn. It's heartbreaking, and I am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. But don't give up on him. Pray very hard for him, because miracles happen every day.

    Hugs. difficult children are not for the faint of heart.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree. You're doing a great job.

    Dealing with drugs is tough. You have to be tougher. It stinks, but you're not given an alternative.

    It's so hard watching drugs do this to someone you care about and love. And frustrating as all get out when there is nothing you can do but stand firm and pray they see the light and get help.

    And I agree. Since this has only become a problem since he's been an adult.....I don't see a thing you could've done differently. Go to an Al anon meeting that's near you. The support is great and it does help.

  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hi Missy -

    I too believe that you are doing exactly the RIGHT thing for your son. To do anything less would be enabling his behaviors. He will be better served in the long run to learn that doing/dealing drugs is a dead end road. When he gets to that point, you'll be there to help him get back on track. I actually applaud your strength in doing the right thing for him and for your family.

    in my opinion, you are grieving. Grieving the good old days, and the things that he is missing out on. By the way, you are missing out on them as well. You are missing his junior hockey games (my son was a hockey player, so I know how much fun that is), you are missing out on his college experience and just his presence in his family. Grief is a long process. But, one that is necessary.

  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Missy}}} I think most of us can empathize with missing your son. I'm sorry.

    But I also agree with everyong - you've done a great job!! Kudos to you for hanging in there and seeking support for you and your H. I believe that should be your main focus at this time. Hugs~
  12. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    Missy I am sorry for your heartbreak. I know EXACTLY where your coming from. I am one of those parents who did the doctors and counselors. I even had my son at 14 put into a bootcamp thru the court system, a boysranch at 16. All of it did no good.
    See sometimes it does not matter how much or how little we do, the love, hugs, caring, whatever. The difficult child's in this world are going to do what they want until the bottom falls out. Then they love you back when things get bad. But do they really love you or are they pulling at that one last hope you have to see if you will still bail them out?
    I also had to put my son out of the house after he turned 18. He was stealing from us and we couldn't afford to replace everything he kept taking. He refused to work and wanted to do drugs and have all this around his younger brother. I said enough, I have been going thru this for 6 years and it has aged me 20.
    You will always miss them, but miss them from afar. Remembering them when times were good and they smiled at you and looked to you for guidance is the hardest. I love my son dearly, but unfortunately I don't like him. Not the way he is now.
    Hang in there!!!
  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    The best thing you can do is to not to enable, he has to have it hard to motivate himself to change. We had to get a restraing order against our difficult child, to keep him away, stop him from stealing, etc....Believe me, I know the heartbreak. My difficult child had to learn the hard way, now he works has a decent job, and is becoming more mature. Your difficult child will learn the hard way, too. Hang in there, he'll be back. -Alyssa
  14. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Good news, well at least for today.
    My son got on a plane and has gone to visit his dad (other side of the country). My ex offered him a one way ticket to get away and straighten his life out. My son originally said no, my ex said "this is your last offer". Two days later he called and said he wanted to come.

    The plan for now is about a 2 week visit, but my son took pretty much everything he owns with him (including his hockey equipment). A few years ago, when my ex moved for work, I would have been devastated if my son had moved away. Funny how things change. I really think my ex may be able to get through to him. I have also been worried about my son's drug use (to date we only know that he uses pot) of course I visualize the absolute worst case scenario in my mind. At least I know that he can leave the "drugs" and walk away from them for now. My ex is like me in that regard (NO DRUGS).
    Maybe, just maybe, someone is answering my wishes. I miss my son so much but am so delighted that he is away from his friends, etc... Could this be the eye opening experience we're waiting for? Maybe not, but for today, I'm going to let myself walk on cloud nine.
    My son has had many opportunities in life, a great home, numerous competitive sports with travel, loads of family members who love him, great grades in school with letter effort put forth: I'm hoping that he's missing all of it.
    Thanks everyone for sharing in my ups and downs. I hope that when I'm in a better place I can help others....
  15. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm glad he is on that plane and out of his environment for a while. My son is also a pot smoker. It rules his life. Anyone who tells you that it is not addictive is some way has never lived with a "pothead." My son is living at home, for now. I do not know how long that will last. He is working, he is better than he was when he was taking other drugs, but he can not go forward until he is willing to see that marijuana is blocking his path. And right now he is blinded by the haze. Hopefully a new start will happen with his dad. You have done all you can. Stand firm. Especially when he calls and begs you to send money for a ticket home.
  16. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    thanks, i really don't know if a phonecall asking for money will come. My husband and I stopped giving him any money at all over a year ago when he quit one of his jobs. I've always been very good at not giving in to a request for money (one of the few things I'm good at ). And funny enough, my son has never asked us for money.

    Thanks for the note... I appreciate the input.
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Welcome, Missy. I'm late to the conversation but wanted to extend a welcome and say, good job! You've done everything a loving parent can do for a child and are still there for your son. He's made some bad choices since starting college and now has the responsibility of changing direction, or not. You were right to not stand for drugs or drug use in the house, especially with younger children there. Your strong stand will only help the chances that your son will turn his life around.

    It's good that your son has gotten out of his environment. My difficult child is very susceptible to environment and, since he has dropped all his alcohol and drug using friends, has been able to stay clean and sober. He'll have to figure out how to choose his friends in future, and how to be around people who are having a drink and still say 'no'. Your son now has a chance to meet new, non-using friends; hopefully he'll take the opportunity to associate with different types of people, and make different decisions, than he did at college.
  18. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Missy, it sounds like your ex, by offering a one way ticket, is planning on your son living with him indefinitely. Since ex mirrors your stance on pot/drugs, I'm hoping with you that this move provides the new start difficult child needs to get his life in order. Here's hoping he's motivated to take advantage of this opportunity!