Today my troubled 35 year old adult daughter and I had another meeting. She came with me to a Dentist appointment and then to a clothing store. On the way home I told her to come in and we need to talk. I did not hold back anything that I needed to say. As I looked at her I saw that she looked pale and sad. My voice started to raise and I was shooting off stuff that was buried in my mind that needed to come out. I took a deep breathe and slowed my breathing down and with it my tone. Big stuff to discuss and then the little stuff like not picking up the trash that is blown around the front of her home. A few weeks ago when we had my husbands birthday party at her house, we walked out and saw little plastic things all over her front yard, left over from when the Christmas lights were being taken down by her 1/2 ass boyfriend. Since he does everything 1/2 ass, the lights were half off, it took him another few weeks to get the rest off and then left the plastic hangers all over the front yard. This is a nice neighborhood with strong deed restrictions. I have been on the board with our HOA and hate to think I own that house and how I feel about trash being thrown. I know someone will write, well don't sweat the small stuff.. This stuff leads to bigger trash and has to be stopped right away. A couple of years ago 1/2 ass boyfriends started dragging his big item junk over to my daughters house like an old beat up truck that was not working and other huge junk. We got a deed restriction letter for it. Stressful.... So I had to nip that in the bud. Daughter started crying her eyes out telling me what a mess she had created. She sobbed non stop, I think mostly because her and her boyfriend are 'off' for the moment. I gave her a running list of all the money she owes me and told her how shi** it was to get our names so close to having our credit ruined. Of course she tells me that she did not want to be in this mess and is looking on how to get out of it. I gave her some good suggestions and one as to get full time employment and do the spa thing as a part time gig and get it sold. It is not doing as she expected. I remember she told me that she plans to clear $80,000 in one day. Well the weather was awful and she did not clear one cent. Crazy reckless behavior that is so expensive. Before she left we worked out a payment plan. I told her that her off/on with her 1/2 ass boyfriend is keeping her in a terrible downward spiral, she said she knew and understood, why am I wasting my breath? this has been that toxic for 8 years now. We hugged for a long time and she told me that she loved me. As she drove off I prayed that she would move forward. I told her how offensive her boyfriend is and how he hurt her dad at his birthday. She said I know dad does not like me, and I told her he does not like the things that she does but loves her deeply. My husband is a straight shooter, he is one of the most honest people I have ever met and he just does not get the deceitful ugly behavior and he is the stronger one to just want to blow her off. I admit to all of you that my heart is weak. My daughter cries with her sob stories and I see her beautiful large eyes and I weaken and want to take her somewhere and rock her like a baby but she is a grown adult woman that needs to be accountable for her choices and lifestyle. I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling again, I will be paying... I thought I was DONE with all that but it was in her tone of voice that said 'Yes, I need to go'.. And I will be trying again to get her help when in reality I do not have the strength to just walk off with out trying just one more time. I told her I was afraid that I was enabling her, her dad wants her to feel the blunt of her mistakes and I know he is right but For Gods Sake I need to do that too, I just can't seem to yet or today. I don't want to call myself an idiot again, I just need prayer to not swoop in and help her. I told her I expect to get paid back. I did not bail her out, I loaned her out. I usually have more strength than this but it is getting close to my son's death date and I am a heap of sorrow. His death and birth are real close to each other and I do ok most years around this time but this year is harder. It just comes and goes in waves like that and I know it will be like that for the rest of my life. I miss him so much and I miss his ability to clear the air right away, he was honest and he loved to joke. He was responsible and I always felt secure that he would have my best interest in mind as I grew to be an old lady. I felt so lucky and blessed to have him. I feel lucky and blessed to have my daughter I just want her to get on a course that makes her deeply happy. I do not feel she can be trusted with my estate as I get older, in fact we have talked about not leaving her anything. Sorry if this sounds all over the place, I am fighting depression and I want peace and harmony in my life over everything. I don't care about anything other than living souls.