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Meeting part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 728352" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Ahhhhhh, the “honeymoon stage”. When someone knows they have gone too far and have to behave to reel you back over.</p><p>I liken it to domestic violence charts. When you think of it, an adult child knows us better than anyone, knows how to beguile and manipulate, tug at our heart strings to get what they want from us. Your daughter knows you are on to her and will ramp up good behaviors to get you emotionally enmeshed and financing her.</p><p>If you look back, you will probably see the pattern.</p><p> In dv charts, it’s called the honeymoon stage. Apologies and promises that “it will never happen again” a shift in attitude, until the partner has given in to the ploy and is forgiving and vulnerable.</p><p>My daughter would come home with her three kids and vow to leave her boyfriend, I even helped her get restraining orders, switched the kids schools. She would behave responsibly for a time, and I would hope with all my heart that “this time would be different” then she would soon go back to her ways. Stay out all night, sometimes be gone for days, money, jewelry, things go missing, the food stamps to feed the kids......gone. It was completely crazy making, mixed up with my love for her and desire that she would straighten her life out, and of course my love and concern for my grands.........</p><p>Then I saw the pattern, we were just an opportunity for her to get away, built in babysitters, the list goes on. She had no intention of changing her ways, knew how to dangle the grands and her situation in front of us to get us to give in. She knew if she came home and cooked and cleaned for a few days that would ease the tension. Then.....boom, same ole, same ole.</p><p>It is hard to see our adult children struggle. We do them no favor by allowing them to use us. It is a completely appalling and hurtful thing to endure on our end.</p><p> We just want to be able to love them and help them. But, when they feel entitled and take for granted what is done, take advantage of our deep love for them, walk all over our generosity, something has got to change. It is such an unhealthy roller coaster ride to be on.</p><p>My quote thingy is not working.......it is the same for me as Tanya wrote, I had to stop seeing my two adult daughters as little girls. I used to think “This is not the real them”. Actually, it is not <em>how I raised them.</em></p><p>This is the real them, now.</p><p> I do have hopes they will see their true potential, but I understand that if I continued to “help” them, they certainly have no reason to change, and on top of that, my life is miserable.</p><p>On growing “she balls”, lol, NS. It reminds me of something I read “There’s the expression “grow some balls”........those things are tender and sensitive, it should be “grow a vagina” it can take a beating and still keep going.</p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite11" alt=":rolleyes:" title="Roll Eyes :rolleyes:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":rolleyes:" /></p><p>You are strong and doing well. Just keep your eyes wide open and guard your heart to what may be coming down the pipeline.</p><p>When my dear hubs passed, my daughter thought it was an opportunity for her to move in again. I told her no. “It doesn’t work, you being here, you don’t get better, you need to be at rehab, or a dv shelter.” It was hard to say that. But, it was true. I am not the one to fix her problems, she just walks all over me and the sanctity of my home.</p><p>You asked how you know if you have detached. For me, detachment means that I don’t sink so emotionally low at every point. Being steady state, helps to make more clear headed decisions. Detachment feels like removing yourself from the stage, to the audience. Okay, that sounds weird, but really, instead of being right smack dab in the middle of all the drama, I have moved away from it. Oh sure, I have my days when the craziness of it all gets to me. Then I pray harder.</p><p>What I focus most on is that I will not be around forever to rescue my two. </p><p>They have to learn to choose differently.</p><p></p><p>We should be respected as parents. Not looked upon as cash cows and ways to escape consequences of bad decisions.</p><p>Loving kindness is a two way street. Not a momentary gesture to keep the gravy train rolling.</p><p>I am sorry for all you have had to endure.</p><p>Comes a time when we have to see things for what they are and stand up for ourselves.</p><p> This, you are doing.</p><p>Keep up the good work, NS. You got this.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p><p>Ps, watch out for “triangulation”. When I got tougher, my two started working on my hubs. It made the road a lot bumpier. It’s good if you both are on the same page. My two were able to drive a wedge in my marriage, that was a rough ride.</p><p>Hang in there sister.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 728352, member: 19522"] Ahhhhhh, the “honeymoon stage”. When someone knows they have gone too far and have to behave to reel you back over. I liken it to domestic violence charts. When you think of it, an adult child knows us better than anyone, knows how to beguile and manipulate, tug at our heart strings to get what they want from us. Your daughter knows you are on to her and will ramp up good behaviors to get you emotionally enmeshed and financing her. If you look back, you will probably see the pattern. In dv charts, it’s called the honeymoon stage. Apologies and promises that “it will never happen again” a shift in attitude, until the partner has given in to the ploy and is forgiving and vulnerable. My daughter would come home with her three kids and vow to leave her boyfriend, I even helped her get restraining orders, switched the kids schools. She would behave responsibly for a time, and I would hope with all my heart that “this time would be different” then she would soon go back to her ways. Stay out all night, sometimes be gone for days, money, jewelry, things go missing, the food stamps to feed the kids......gone. It was completely crazy making, mixed up with my love for her and desire that she would straighten her life out, and of course my love and concern for my grands......... Then I saw the pattern, we were just an opportunity for her to get away, built in babysitters, the list goes on. She had no intention of changing her ways, knew how to dangle the grands and her situation in front of us to get us to give in. She knew if she came home and cooked and cleaned for a few days that would ease the tension. Then.....boom, same ole, same ole. It is hard to see our adult children struggle. We do them no favor by allowing them to use us. It is a completely appalling and hurtful thing to endure on our end. We just want to be able to love them and help them. But, when they feel entitled and take for granted what is done, take advantage of our deep love for them, walk all over our generosity, something has got to change. It is such an unhealthy roller coaster ride to be on. My quote thingy is not working.......it is the same for me as Tanya wrote, I had to stop seeing my two adult daughters as little girls. I used to think “This is not the real them”. Actually, it is not [I]how I raised them.[/I] This is the real them, now. I do have hopes they will see their true potential, but I understand that if I continued to “help” them, they certainly have no reason to change, and on top of that, my life is miserable. On growing “she balls”, lol, NS. It reminds me of something I read “There’s the expression “grow some balls”........those things are tender and sensitive, it should be “grow a vagina” it can take a beating and still keep going. :rolleyes: You are strong and doing well. Just keep your eyes wide open and guard your heart to what may be coming down the pipeline. When my dear hubs passed, my daughter thought it was an opportunity for her to move in again. I told her no. “It doesn’t work, you being here, you don’t get better, you need to be at rehab, or a dv shelter.” It was hard to say that. But, it was true. I am not the one to fix her problems, she just walks all over me and the sanctity of my home. You asked how you know if you have detached. For me, detachment means that I don’t sink so emotionally low at every point. Being steady state, helps to make more clear headed decisions. Detachment feels like removing yourself from the stage, to the audience. Okay, that sounds weird, but really, instead of being right smack dab in the middle of all the drama, I have moved away from it. Oh sure, I have my days when the craziness of it all gets to me. Then I pray harder. What I focus most on is that I will not be around forever to rescue my two. They have to learn to choose differently. We should be respected as parents. Not looked upon as cash cows and ways to escape consequences of bad decisions. Loving kindness is a two way street. Not a momentary gesture to keep the gravy train rolling. I am sorry for all you have had to endure. Comes a time when we have to see things for what they are and stand up for ourselves. This, you are doing. Keep up the good work, NS. You got this. (((Hugs))) Leafy Ps, watch out for “triangulation”. When I got tougher, my two started working on my hubs. It made the road a lot bumpier. It’s good if you both are on the same page. My two were able to drive a wedge in my marriage, that was a rough ride. Hang in there sister. [/QUOTE]
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