Meeting with estranged son on Thursday at 6:30 (nervous)!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Jul 20, 2011.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How's this for a full day?

    On Thursday, have to wake up around 6am and make sure everyone is packed and ready to drive to Illinois with me (hub is staying home both to watch the dogs and because he had surgery a few weeks ago and couldn't do much anyway). So I'm the driver and it's about a 4 1/2 hour drive. Then we have to check into the hotel at 2.

    That gives me a little time to shower and get ready to meet the church mediator who is handling this (she is such a nice lady, think I'm going to buy her some Fannie Mae candy). The church is about 40 minutes from the hotel. After I get there, the mediator is going to meet me at the front entrance because this particular church is the second largest church in the country so it's the size of a college. I'm bad at directions and hope I find the right entrance, but I do have mediator's cell phone number in case I get lost. Finally, she is spending an hour with me first and I'm grateful for that.

    After that, at 6:30, my son and his wife will meet with me. I barely know his wife and she has never been that friendly, but I think she is more comfortable with people who are Chinese because she lived there for a large part of her life and still has an accent. She is extremely beautiful and intelligent, but a little intimidating, but I really have to give her a chance and not think of her as working against me and my son. After all, she prayed with him and agreed it would be ok to see me. She didn't have to. They are a tight unit and he would not have set this up if she hadn't agreed. She even got her sister to babysit for my grandson in order to allow this meeting (so it took some juggling).

    Then the mediator will be there while we talk and I put it in God's hands. It would fill my world with joy to have my son back and another gorgeous little grandson in my life...he is adorable and probably really smart (like his parents).

    Just as a little vent: It is extremely interesting to adopt an older child (age six here) from another culture who really does NOT have any serious disorders and is one of the first ones to get out of the orphanage because, as they said, "He is too brilliant to sit here...he needs to have a family to work to his potential." Well, he IS brilliant and doing better than most adults of age thirty-three. Money will never be an issue for him. We used to call him Bill Gates. Yet...

    He came to OUR family. We are not college professors, doctors or lawyers. Ex and I are simple folks...his incredible intelligence, which is way off the charts, has left me in awe of him. He also has a great personality and social graces...he is so not like the rest of us. We are shy and wear blue jeans and are uncomfortable in large social situations.

    I often feel it would have pleased him more if he'd been adopted by a family of computer geeks or doctors/lawyers. He is drawn toward successful people and likes nice things. In the worst way I just want him to know that I love him with all my heart, in the same way I love my biological child and the other adopted children who came to me at an earlier age, even though we are different (I'm not going to bring up the "even though we are different" part).

    I hope this didn't bore ya too I know I was rambling, kind of thinking out loud and typing what came into my head. Thanks for being there :)
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Good luck MWM, I hope it goes well and am glad there will be a mediator there. I hope that the end result is that you all can start rebuilding your relationship.
  3. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending Hugs and praying all goes well. Rabbit
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Having been adopted out of an orphanage at age 6, I'd say he most likely has real issues whether or not it's a diagnosis able disorder or not. That is not an easy lifestyle for a child. Although it may have made it more difficult for him to adjust to life outside of his native country and culture, having been adopted at an older age.

    Your case of nerves is understandable. I hope it goes smoothly.

  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I'm a little late here but I really hope everything goes well.

    Just be you - we love you and some of us haven't even known you as long - or in real life!!!
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He is very resilient, but I think and he thinks he had some trouble attaching to us, although he does not feel that way about his peers or wife. But I do think he eventually attached, and his attachment problems certainly were not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (we adopted a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child and he is nothing like him). I think his biggest problem was always being so very good and trying to please...and then, as an adult, deciding he didn't like being a doormat. His changes are what caused the problems...the rest of the family, including myself, was not listening to him although he was trying to tell us. I took it personally, when he was just trying to assert himself. Although he has a real way with people, he has trouble explaining his feelings.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Keeping you in my thoughts!! Sooo happy for you!
  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    MWM - a little advice here...I think that you've now figured out 90% of the problem...culturally and disposition wise you were both at opposite ends of viewing life. Neither was right, neither was wrong...with maturity comes acceptance of other peoples ways...maybe he's just grown into that acceptance. Any way you slice it though, I don't believe that you owe apologies for what you did regarding how you raised him.

    I'm a firm believer that if kids came with a user or instruction manual, and you chose to not read it - well, then you screwed up as a parent. But since we all have to WRITE the manual as we go along with each kid, there are BOUND to be confusion, mistakes, hurts, slights and errors. The part that most kids forget or miss entirely are the kissed ouches, the ice cream from the truck even though they were bad, the sleep-overs that we knew were going to be a disaster, the money for the CD that they absolutely did not deserve, and constant tears of joy and pain that flow regularly by Mom and Dad.

    We're there with you hon! Be proud...there's no reason not to be! :)

  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Personally, I wouldn't over analyze the situation either with the mediator or your son and his wife. I would accept this as what it is. A decision to try and mend and begin....

    I strongly believe that there are situations where we need to just accept it for today and not think about yesterday.

    What is important here, in my opinion, is that you and your son are beginning a dialog after many years without. What is important that he hears from you, in my opinion, is that you have missed having him as part of your family/life and that you love him and would love to have a relationship with his family. Because in the end, that is the goal.

    The whys, what-ifs, difference in cultures, intelligence levels, personality differences, etc., would focus on the negative an not focus on the positive - the opportunity to move forward and be part of your son's life again.

    Often, as parents, we have to stuff our hurt down and move on. That's what I would do were I in your shoes.

  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Not bored at all...Midwestmom. Actually I think your story is quite interesting.

    I'm so excited about your visit and hope this is a wonderful new beginning for you all.
    Will be thinking especially about you tomorrow at 6:30...and like another said, "Just be You".

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sharon...great advice. That's what I'm going to do.

    Actually, this son and I never had any problems as he grew up. It was when he was ready to marry.
  12. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I hope that this meeting will be a start to rebuilding a good relationship in a form healthy for your son and his wife/kids, and also for you.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Sending you hugs, love and strength for a new beginning!
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs and good thoughts for a wonderful meeting!
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am actually excited now the date and time are set. My expectations are high...that the low key meeting leads to the establishment of a new relationship. I'm sure it will be difficult to leave the past in the past but the future is more important. This is such an opportunity and I'll be sending prayers your way and their's. DDD
  16. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I hope y'all have a wonderful reunion and a safe trip.