Meeting with PO

[exhausted]

Thursday was the meeting with PO for precourt. It was tough. The PO ended by saying she did not know what she was going to recommend.....so we live in the not knowing zone for 7 more days! She is going to read all the file-so maybe she is really going to do her best (my trust level is zilch).

difficult child melted down and showed her illness with the cyclical talk. She even had the PO is tears when she described her self-loathing and lack of regard for her life. She said again, "Nothing works to stop this pain except when I sexual act out or smoke pot, and that only last a little while" And of course I am thinking, you have to work it and work it and stay with it. She's a teen and I can't imagine how hard it would be to deal with. I have empathy but.....either you want to live well or you want to end up dead or in jail??? Her thinking is so off-it was not manipulation going on, trust me, it was this lack of connection between point A and point B. I don't know why I continue to be shocked everytime I see this.

In her favor, she is registered for community college, has paid some money to her brother (for totalling and stealing his car), and at least got the GED. The time between her relapses has also increased.

A work camp where she could earn money was mentioned. Secure care (jail) was mentioned. Going to school and working with parole conditions was mentioned. And further counseling on the outside was mentioned as part of this (difficult child again refusing to go after picking this last person). In this state she can stay under JJS until age 21. I was glad to hear this. I am so exhausted fromthe living in the unknown zone. I swear that is part of the punishment for difficult child and from the courts aimed at us as parents.

 

[Signorina]

Oh honey...

I am hoping that the PO's reticence and desire to read the file before making a rec is a GOOD thing. Obviously she saw that this wasn't a cut and dried issue and that your difficult child is begging for help.

Crossing fingers for you all...

And I know this is SOOOOO hard. And I hate waiting too.

I am praying for you and hoping that you will get some peace of mind soon. And that the PO comes through in the right way.

 

[92025]

That is great that she can be in the "juvie" system until 21. An 18 yo who's had substance abuse problems is in NO way ready to be an adult.

 

[AmericanGirl]

I have had tons of experience with 19-20 year olds at work. 99% of them have no clue about being an adult. It wasn't that way ten years ago.

 

[92025]

In fact, do you mind telling me which state allows this until age 21? I'm thinking of moving to help improve difficult child's odds by getting him away from his bummy friends

 

[AmericanGirl]

Not the original poster but Mississippi's age of majority is 21.

 

[klmno]

It sounds to me like she needs a really good inpatient tx center- that might be more beneficial than trying to go to college right now, in my humble opinion.

 

[DDD]

Sending supportive thoughts your way. Reading your post (and sadly having a decade of experience with PO's and "the sytem") for the first time I realized how truly Xing sad it is that caring parents seek professional guidance and help from Tdocs and Pdcos and the school system...and then...end up praying that someone with perhaps a two year degree or certificate will be able to determine the path of difficult child's future. Seriously it just hit me...right now.

I've traveled the path and so have many other family members. The fact that the PO is sensitive and listens to difficult child and to you is a positive sign. Perhaps she will be able really explore all options to help your family. I hope so. DDD

 

[klmno]

thank you, DDD. As you know, some POs aare more in-tine with the real world (insightful and having common sense) and more caring in general than others.

 

[pasajes4]

P.O.s can be great allies.

 

[DammitJanet]

Some PO's can be great, some are horse's hind ends. Just like psychiatrist's and therapist's...lol. Guess its the luck of the draw. Cory got an awesome one as an adult. I sure wish he had got his clone as a juvenile.

I really dont know what to hope for at court for your dtr. The fact that the court has ordered her to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) before makes me wonder if they will go that route again unless they have one they run by the state. Im sure it isnt pleasant. Probably more of a girls school/jail. That may be what she needs because they do have psychiatric services there. I know that house arrest is a horror for a parent and a minor. It wasnt so bad for me with Cory because he was an adult and they plugged that anklet on him, turned it on with the phone line and gave him parameters. It was his responsibility not to leave the house without calling in and asking. If he did, his butt was on the line, not mine. We actually got lucky with that nice PO I spoke about above, he understood that I was disabled and that Cory had his daughter quite a bit during the summer so he gave Cory approval to be off his tether from 8 am to 12 noon every day so he could do his chores around the house which meant leaving the house sometimes. But he had to be home in the house by noon and you could see him running for the house at 11:55...lol.

 

[exhausted]

Thanks everyone for your replies. This is the toughest week ever. Thank you for your responses. This Friday is court. We have no idea what will happen. I was so angry
yesterday because difficult child says she is going to plead not guilty. This will drag things out. It means husband and I will miss work yet again. I hope the public defender is smart enough to talk sense into her. I won't talk about it with her. It is her mess.

Klmno-you may not remember difficult children history-but we have done over 2 years of Residential Treatment Center (RTC), 4 psychiatric. hospital stays and years of various kinds of counseling. Yes, I am worried about school. Trouble is, with Borderline (BPD) and PTSD, getting to the place of being stable 100% takes years. She may not be able to go to school. She is very bright-but the Borderline (BPD) episodes will come and go-luckily they don't last for more than a few hours. I don't know about the stress of school-because stress is a huge trigger. I just can't put her in another Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-she feels abandoned by us and they have made things so much worse. We have been told by many proffessionals not to do it. Now the courts may do it anyway, I don't have control at this point because she got herself here this time.

9-we live in Utah-capitol of treatment centers, wilderness camps, and the system where children are not cared for and little money is given for their care in the schools (lowest per pupil expenditure in the country), JJS or DCFS. Lots of lawsuits and probationary measures for many youth systems here. Don't move here-I cannot recommend it to anyone.

I'm hoping we have a good PO. I know that the judge is a pill. He is unpredictable, says really cruel things to people, and even the "in court" people struggle with him. I do know he cares and in his own way and that he thinks he is helping. His understanding of mental illness is just not good. He really thinks a few months is all it takes! On the flip side-she did what she did and while her impulsivity is part of the mental illnesses-she knew better. She has been given skills to over come and chose not to be impulsive. It is in Gods hands. I love her and pray for the best outcome.

 

[pasajes4]

Praying maybe all that u can do at this point and perhaps help her process what happens as a result of her choices.

 

[klmno]

That's ALL you can do, exhausted, and I'm starting to wonder if hitting that line as parents isn't the biggest turning point for the young adults, or those about to leave the teen years. Whether it's MI or nothing more than ODD/CD, they don't seem to even consider taking responsibility for any of it until the parent says (and sticks by) that they've already done all they can and they (the parent) has to let it go to someone else's hands. I've already told this new PO where we live now that E is too close to being18yo for me to cater to everything he and they want anymore and that approach cost me everything in the past and I'm not about to let it cost me this job I just started. They (E and/or PO) can do whatever they want to about it. I simply don't care. I'll do my part to support E as long as he does what he should and treats me with respect and will pay tuition and fees for college if he wants to go. He has to find a way to pay the rest of the costs. If he doesn't go to college, he'll have to find another place to live and means to support himself come June of next year. That's it. Period. My list of what I am going to do for him from now on is getting shorter all the time. If I failed him while he was growing up, I am truly sorry and will never get over it, but if I'm that blind, contuining to do it won't solve the problem.

 

[92025]

My difficult child's court date is fri also so let's cross our fingers for each other! I'm hoping for a good PO also, I haven't worked with one before but so far people in the court system have been really nice and it sounds like they have a lot of programs they can put them in to help straighten them out (San Diego).