BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I got closure and the possibility of a very stilted relationship (meetings far apart only in restaurants or church). He won't visit me or my house because the house is messy (he's a neat freak, I'm not). He was angry because I'd written him letters, some nice, some not so nice (I should not have. My excuse is I was desperate to see him again, then hurt when he didn't respond). He archived every letter I have written whether nice or, as he calls them, "nasygrams" on his computer. He has five years worth of sporadic letters from me on his computer. Why keep them? (My other son's wife said "To remind him to hang onto his anger.")
My estranged son's wife is "afraid" of me, which makes everyone else laugh. I never threatened either of them or anyone. He must have told her some doozy lies about me. One he told her was that he had to pay all our bills and come up a budget for me. His wife blurted that out. I was too shocked to say anything. I just stared. S. paid NO bills. I WAS divorced and maybe I asked to borrow $50 from his paycheck a few times (he worked part-time), but that would have been the extent of it. I wanted to have S. exaggerate about that, but couldn't find the words. His wife looked at me hatefully and said, "A child should not have to pay the bills of the parent!"
S. actually had it pretty good. He lived in a big (if not fancy) house in a great school district and got a good education. He had free use of my car. It was a fancy car, but I never said he couldn't drive it. But boo hoo, he had to pay his own insurance. That came to about $30 a month added to our normal bill without him. Wow! The torture to him!
When my hub heard what he'd said he told me about not coming to our house or how he paid our bills,he told him (in words I can't print) that I could see S. if I wanted to, but he wouldn't. I know I'm rambling, but I"m still in shock.
Anyhow, if I want to see S, he has given me a list of rules, such as how often I can call, where I can see him, how I can't tell ANYONE EVEN ONE THING about him (I already broke this rule because I had to tell somebody), and a whole list of other whoppers. Also, don't count on him for any money (duh) and he wants nothing to do legally with anyone in the family (I'm sure he's thinking of Sonic with his autism).
I built up S. to be a legend in my mind; a perfect young man that I hurt. I did hurt him, but he probably hurt me just as much.
I now realize that S. does not think of us as his family. Here is an example: This entire five year estrangement started because I used to stay with S. when I went in to Illinois because he had the room. One day he told me I can't stay there anymore and it really hurt my feelings. He said it stressed him out and he wouldn't do it anymore. Ex hub, who still has a relationship with S. (I have to wonder how good it really is) told me just last week that S's wife's parents are now moving in with them, at least six months a year. WTH? I thought it was stressful. I guess it's just stressful for ME to stay one night, but fine for them to stay six. Know what I mean??
The meeting made me realize that I did some things that were very wrong (some telling-you-off letters). I learned that S. kind of thought the whole meeting between us was amusing. He wore a sort of smirk (if that makes sense). When the mediator asked him what he missed the most during the last five years (we have been estraned that long), he said he hadn't missed anything and that he just thought about me if I sent a letter, which he would archive but not answer. So guess what I learned that gave me closure?
S. does not consider any of us his family. I think this is a common feeling in older adopted children. It's hard when you don't get that early bond. S. clearly feels that is doing me a favor by allowing me to see him at all, even under extreme and rather humiliating conditions (I didn't bother to post the worst). He obviously told his wife, who doesn't really know me, things that have scared her of me. I wonder if his wife thinks I adopted S. to be my slave (I'm dead serious). All I know is, S's memory of his childhood may be very real to him, but it's not reality.
S. is not a little boy. He is 34. He is very judgmental. He does not cut ANYONE any slack. He is very smart. He is very successful (long ago he told me he was already a millionaire, and I believe it). He is very loathe to forgive. In the ending prayer, which he made up, he said (I am paraphrasing) "God give me the very difficult task of forgiveness. Help me forgive."
I do not want anyone here to think S. is horrible. He is a wonderful husband and I'm sure a great father. He is charming and sweet and I'm sure everyone loves him. And he had some VERY legitimate gripes. I feel like an idiot for writing letters. I should have known better than to commit my deepest thoughts to paper, but he wouldn't talk to me at all for five years. However, I never should have sent him "nasty grams." He will never get a nice or nasty letter from me again. I don't care if I ever talk to him again.
We left it at him calling me, because there were too many rules if I called him, including that I had to leave a definite message with the express reason why I wanted him to call me back. Failure to explain what I am calling about will mean he won't return my call.
I do not think he will ever call me. If he does, I will take it in stride and be nice, but he will have to make any moves to see me again and I don't think he really wants that. Nor does he want to see anyone in the family, except for his father. And I'll bet his father kisses posterior to see him and has a bunch of rules too. AND he cut his father off for three years too (and his father wrote NO letters...not sure why he did that).
I have four children, not five. This one has made it clear he is not my child. I am just going to count my blessings because I have four loving children, two pretty nice in-law kids, a sweet grandchild and a wonderful husband. I am not playing "how can I make S. like me" anymore, but I'm glad the meeting happened because now I know...and there is closure. Plus I had a chance to ask for forgiveness and to own up to my own wrongs, which were definitely there. I don't have the urge to see him anymore. But I needed to see that for myself.
Sorry for the long, boring rant, which I'm sure is not that coherent, but I just got back from Illinois. On the BRIGHT side, had a great time at Six Flags on Friday (the day after) with Pastry Chef, her SO, Sonic and Jumper. Some people have nobody, but I have so much...I"m not going to complain
My estranged son's wife is "afraid" of me, which makes everyone else laugh. I never threatened either of them or anyone. He must have told her some doozy lies about me. One he told her was that he had to pay all our bills and come up a budget for me. His wife blurted that out. I was too shocked to say anything. I just stared. S. paid NO bills. I WAS divorced and maybe I asked to borrow $50 from his paycheck a few times (he worked part-time), but that would have been the extent of it. I wanted to have S. exaggerate about that, but couldn't find the words. His wife looked at me hatefully and said, "A child should not have to pay the bills of the parent!"
S. actually had it pretty good. He lived in a big (if not fancy) house in a great school district and got a good education. He had free use of my car. It was a fancy car, but I never said he couldn't drive it. But boo hoo, he had to pay his own insurance. That came to about $30 a month added to our normal bill without him. Wow! The torture to him!
When my hub heard what he'd said he told me about not coming to our house or how he paid our bills,he told him (in words I can't print) that I could see S. if I wanted to, but he wouldn't. I know I'm rambling, but I"m still in shock.
Anyhow, if I want to see S, he has given me a list of rules, such as how often I can call, where I can see him, how I can't tell ANYONE EVEN ONE THING about him (I already broke this rule because I had to tell somebody), and a whole list of other whoppers. Also, don't count on him for any money (duh) and he wants nothing to do legally with anyone in the family (I'm sure he's thinking of Sonic with his autism).
I built up S. to be a legend in my mind; a perfect young man that I hurt. I did hurt him, but he probably hurt me just as much.
I now realize that S. does not think of us as his family. Here is an example: This entire five year estrangement started because I used to stay with S. when I went in to Illinois because he had the room. One day he told me I can't stay there anymore and it really hurt my feelings. He said it stressed him out and he wouldn't do it anymore. Ex hub, who still has a relationship with S. (I have to wonder how good it really is) told me just last week that S's wife's parents are now moving in with them, at least six months a year. WTH? I thought it was stressful. I guess it's just stressful for ME to stay one night, but fine for them to stay six. Know what I mean??
The meeting made me realize that I did some things that were very wrong (some telling-you-off letters). I learned that S. kind of thought the whole meeting between us was amusing. He wore a sort of smirk (if that makes sense). When the mediator asked him what he missed the most during the last five years (we have been estraned that long), he said he hadn't missed anything and that he just thought about me if I sent a letter, which he would archive but not answer. So guess what I learned that gave me closure?
S. does not consider any of us his family. I think this is a common feeling in older adopted children. It's hard when you don't get that early bond. S. clearly feels that is doing me a favor by allowing me to see him at all, even under extreme and rather humiliating conditions (I didn't bother to post the worst). He obviously told his wife, who doesn't really know me, things that have scared her of me. I wonder if his wife thinks I adopted S. to be my slave (I'm dead serious). All I know is, S's memory of his childhood may be very real to him, but it's not reality.
S. is not a little boy. He is 34. He is very judgmental. He does not cut ANYONE any slack. He is very smart. He is very successful (long ago he told me he was already a millionaire, and I believe it). He is very loathe to forgive. In the ending prayer, which he made up, he said (I am paraphrasing) "God give me the very difficult task of forgiveness. Help me forgive."
I do not want anyone here to think S. is horrible. He is a wonderful husband and I'm sure a great father. He is charming and sweet and I'm sure everyone loves him. And he had some VERY legitimate gripes. I feel like an idiot for writing letters. I should have known better than to commit my deepest thoughts to paper, but he wouldn't talk to me at all for five years. However, I never should have sent him "nasty grams." He will never get a nice or nasty letter from me again. I don't care if I ever talk to him again.
We left it at him calling me, because there were too many rules if I called him, including that I had to leave a definite message with the express reason why I wanted him to call me back. Failure to explain what I am calling about will mean he won't return my call.
I do not think he will ever call me. If he does, I will take it in stride and be nice, but he will have to make any moves to see me again and I don't think he really wants that. Nor does he want to see anyone in the family, except for his father. And I'll bet his father kisses posterior to see him and has a bunch of rules too. AND he cut his father off for three years too (and his father wrote NO letters...not sure why he did that).
I have four children, not five. This one has made it clear he is not my child. I am just going to count my blessings because I have four loving children, two pretty nice in-law kids, a sweet grandchild and a wonderful husband. I am not playing "how can I make S. like me" anymore, but I'm glad the meeting happened because now I know...and there is closure. Plus I had a chance to ask for forgiveness and to own up to my own wrongs, which were definitely there. I don't have the urge to see him anymore. But I needed to see that for myself.
Sorry for the long, boring rant, which I'm sure is not that coherent, but I just got back from Illinois. On the BRIGHT side, had a great time at Six Flags on Friday (the day after) with Pastry Chef, her SO, Sonic and Jumper. Some people have nobody, but I have so much...I"m not going to complain
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