mental illness = weakness?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Mar 8, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    according to my mother. wow! this is how my nights wrapping up tonight. her going after me via email all because she wanted to know about easy child so i told her.

    she went on to say how its' a weakness to take medications etc. than how now the "real" problem won't get handled, had easy child had a "normal" life would she have adhd?

    WOW!! I went at it via facebook email for about 40 min. than she began to get real nasty and down and dirty making some real nasty remarks to me and i simply emailed back in caps leave me alone now.

    i held my tongue throughout yet lately it's getting harder. especially on a night like tonight.

    she went on to say how environmental causes all kids problems, etc. mental illness does exist yet it's as scape goat in a sense. the line easy child taking medications means she'll be weak and she wont' get strong if she was infront of me god help me i would of reached for her

    can you believe this??
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    by the way this is the epitomy cant' spell of what we always talk about "families" not getting it. ahh if only you handled your child differently, be firmer, act different, be louder, etc. blah blah blah.

    i had no idea she was so closed minded i really didn't. she went on and on with herself as though she was making some great landmark discovery and 20/20 should call her and discuss airing dates for her new show and topic. i sat there laughing at one point. than she started on me i was like no really? i said suddenly i feel like i'm in high school with a nasty cheerleader i dont' like giving me **** in the schoolyard. she wrote i'm 62 and know alot more about life than you and i'm really happy and have managed to work thru my junk just fine yet your 40 and still have no clue. i wish you luck in getting one. ok guys this is my mom. maybe i was switched at birth? ya think??
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    There are people who believe this. Personally, I don't care what it is called as long as my kid gets help. It sounds like your mom just wants to throw blame around and that isn't helpful. It may be that you have to cut a lot of the ties to your mom. Maybe don't tell her things again except that things are fine and all is going along well. If you don't give her any info then she cannot blame you for problems, Know what I mean??

    You may need to take a break from her completely, or simply put boundaries in place. You may consider telling her that she is entitled to her opinion but not to inflict it upon you or your kids. That if she cannot be supportive then you won't tell her what is going on. Or just stop tellign her. It isn't easy and often people who toss blame around like that get upset when boundaries are imposed and enforced. That needs to be her problem, not yours.

    Many of us have family that reacts or did react that way when they learned of problems with our kids. Some came around and were supportive, others simply had to have those boundaries strengthened.

    Remember, just because she is your mom and she said it doesn't mean it is true. Do what you feel is right for YOUR kids. Your mom got to do that with hers, Know what I mean??

    (((((hugs))))) I know it is hurtful.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    it's just "predictable" ya know..?? they all shut their mouths real fast when difficult child stopped eating. than suddenly the support that was lacking for twelve years came in little drips and drabs, my mom even heading up to first hopsital that time to rip her out with-me.

    oh well, such is life. i expected the that's bs line. yet not the personal attack i'm her daughter. what is she thinking this womans' crazy. than to say easy child's weak if she takes medications. oh well mom we're just a weak family, weak, weak, weak, lol. wish that were the case with the kdis would be easier to get them in line lol.

    it's sad is what it is she's a harsh woman whose been beaten up by life, who sits on on her pedestal judging others beneath her. very sad. im telling you susie switched at birth!! was meant to be on a farm in kansas!! :) with my horses
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm having flashbacks to Tom Cruise's sofa-jumping.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lol that was funny. yes maybe oprah will take my mom on and she can jump up and down on the sofa claiming mental illness is bs! now if that isn't a kicker!!! while she requests a glass of wine because she can't survive with-o that, and she cleans the couch she's jumping on, :)
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I've had this same conversation with my mom. *only she hasn't worked through her "junk" she just refuses to believe she's mentally ill* lol So of course nothing is wrong with her.

    Now I have to say that maybe oh, so many conversations later, she'll totally say the opposite.

    The stigma of mental illness is alive and well........regardless of all the efforts to change it.

    Since my mom does this she is not one of the people whom I talk to about the difficult child other than very superficial stuff. Then I simply don't have to listen to it.

  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yea boundaries are needed. and yes reactions such as their's reminds me of the days of the halodol shuffle, the close minded old school your just not raising em' right attitude. really should be changed somehow. it's sad. sorry you go thru that also. i guess my minimal outside life has made me turn to her the past few times and than i regret it. yet she asked. lol.
  9. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    It's the "thorazine shuffle", by the way, and is seen in schizophrenics who have been on very heavy doses of thorazine for years and years.

    I take Haldol in a low dose because I have horrific side effects from the modern antipsychotics and I need an AP to function properly.

    Your mother sounds a lot like mine used to be and she suffers from chronic clinical depression and anxiety but won't take anything for it.

    I take medications not because it is a weakness, but because I can't function without them. I'm hardly an addict or anything like that. I view it as being the same as needing medications for diabetes or cholesterol or whatever.

    I periodically gritch to my psychiatrist about having to take all these medications and that is the analogy he uses. He's right. I was a manic, suicidal MESS before I finally got on medications. I am still disabled by my bipolar, but I'm at least able to take care of myself even if I can no longer work.

    The only "addictive" medication I take is Ativan and even there, I take them as scheduled as needed for anxiety. If I run out, I don't go into benzo withdrawal. I just experience anxiety attacks if I get in a triggering situation and don't have them.

    That's like saying husband was "weak" because his illness caused so much pain that he had to take large doses of narcotics. He was NOT weak, he was very ill and in a hellish amount of pain. The narcotics enabled him to have what sort of life he could despite his illness.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lol i was so tired when i wrote that i knew halodol was wrong..... :)

    this post isnt' judging anyone its stating what a moron my mom is. yes i totally disagree with my diluted mother.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think your mom is very threatened by the endless way you have devoted yourself to helping your kids.Somewhere deep down she knows that she didn't help YOU and did a lot of things that caused some real problems. By lashing out at you when you seek mental health care for your kids, she is attempting to not have to face her own feelings of inadequacy. If you do all of this for your kids, and she didn't for you, then maybe you will think she was a bad mom. So she tries to make you think that getting help for your kids is a sign that you are a bad mom, meaning that she was a good mom.

    The sad thing is that I bet you understand that she did the best she could with what she knew and her own problems. The best she knew how to do and was able to do back at the time. If you didn't have some understanding of tis youw ouldn't talk to her, Know what I mean?? WHile you may have problems from your childhood and what did and didn't happen (who doesn't?), you know she never looked around and wondered how she could mess you up the worst today.

    All of her statements about this, even the personal attacks on you, are just a sign that she is terribly insecure about her own parenting and personal abilities and shortcomings.
  13. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Jena - I don't think this is a terribly uncommon attitude, unfortunately. My father felt this way when I was growing up - when my mom took me to a counselor at age 13 for depression, Dad refused to participate. To him, mental illness is a character flaw, a sign of weakness and a lack of self-discipline. Hindsight being 20/20, there's absolutely no doubt in my mind which branch of my family tree the mood disorders came from - I feel a bit sad for my dad, because I think he really struggled during his 30s and 40s. He was a great father, excellent provider, and as good as a husband as my mom was a wife (they divorced when I was 20-something - it was an unhappy marriage for as long as I can remember), but I think he suffered from depression for a very long time. And *his* family? Really dysfunctional. From his perspective, he bucked up and did what he was supposed to do. But it didn't have to be as hard as it was if he had been willing to see depression as something other than a character flaw.

    To his credit, he *never* questioned how husband and I handled thank you. And when I ended up in the hospital about 8-10 years ago for major depression, he was supportive. But... I know his mindset, and it is what it is.

    My mom? Well... I'm not sure I've ever done anything right in her eyes - sure as heck, I haven't raised my kids "right". As Diva would say.... WhatEVerrrrrrr.

    in my humble opinion, don't engage with- your mom. Don't share the details of your life in terms of dealing with- easy child and difficult child. You are not going to get support from her, and it's simply not worth the effort to try to change her mind. She raised you as best she could - now it's your turn to do the same with- your kids. I don't think it's even worth getting angry at her - it's just her opinion. The best thing you can do is just steer conversations away from things you know she's going to argue with- you about.

    In a perfect world, we'd have parents who had our backs, who would support us and prop us up when things get really rough. It's not a perfect world, hon, and sometimes the best thing we can do is just avoid getting into conversations that give our parents the opportunity to tell us how badly we're messing things up. ;)
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Your mom is in good company, unfortunately. Until our son came along, my husband was in that group. It's been a LONG journey!
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know, some difficult child's are difficult child's due to ineffective parenting. That is simply a fact. There are bad parents out there. I wouldnt say that most people who land here belong in that category because bad parents dont go looking for help or if they do, they wont accept any of the ideas that we may recommend that they try with their kids. They would want a doctor to fix the kid without ever thinking that fixing the kid means that it also means fixing the whole family too. There is that whole idea that there is nothing wrong with me, its all the kids problem.

    Mental illness doesnt make one weak. It may make one more vulnerable to certain stresses or give one certain insights or even talents or strengths. Medication is just medication. That shouldnt even be a topic of conversation. Would anyone be discussing insulin if a child was dxd with diabetes?
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good point, Janet.
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    it's an excellent point and its' what i've told difficult child since beginning. if your heart didnt' work right wouldn't we use medication? well your brain is unique it works in a very special way and due to that you have added bonuses with who you are. so along with-some struggles comes great creativity, sensitivity, brilliance, etc. it's all in how you use it, you can learn to use it and control your brain to bring out all those great qualities and learn how to hanlde the challenging ones or sit in self pity and not reap the benefits of who you are.

    i said to my mom you take medicine for your lupus right? there is NO difference. yet you know the drill she's old school, got alot of her own issues sad to say that she'll never resolve because the pains too graet instead she sits night after night with her bottle of wine in hand to self medicate. she has a heart in there somewhere yet life has chewed it up.
  18. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Some people just refuse to hear some things, and its not worth the breath it takes to speak it to them.

    Next time your mom asks how easy child's appointment went, the answer is "went great, thanks for asking."
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Meh, all those people with the whole "think happy thoughts and heal anything without medications" mentality... I want to shoot them in the foot and tell them to "positive think" their way through that.
  20. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Please don't do it, HaoZi!!
    I do feel, personally speaking, that there's a middle way... yes, there's a place for drugs (sorry, medication!), obviously, and yes there's also room for saying and thinking, as I'm sure most people here would agree, that medications have certain consequences and side effects other than just helpful ones and that there is a decision to be weighed up, reflected on. There could be other ways also. Not just "postive thinking" :)
    I know if my child had some very serious illness, physical or mental, that could be helped and treated only with medications, I would want her/him to take them. If it less clear-cut, I would like people to give respectful consideration to the possiblility of other routes...