Meowbunny - Ditto

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by C.J., Jan 8, 2009.

  1. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I haven't posted in ages - but lurk when times get tough with N* - who is biologically my niece. Until she turned 18 in June, I have been her guardian these last 11 years.

    Six days after she turned 18, as a high school drop out (from delinquent day care high school, no less) who discontinued the Ritalin LA Rx without discussing it with anyone, including a doctor, with no job, no money, no cell phone (I took it away) no driver's license, no car and everything she could fit into her new (of 45 days) boyfriend's car, moved in with him and his mommy. His sperm donor is in prison for raping his sister. His sister got pregnant as a result, and his mommy convinced her daughter to give the baby to her to raise. She has three other children, one of whom is a special needs child. I live in an older suburban community - 50 year old ranch houses with neighbors who have lived here for decades. N* chose chaos - because there are no rules.

    Ten weeks later, she came home to see her brother, and during the course of that week, she had sex with four different potential sperm donors (PSD). She got pregnant.

    Boyfriend of 45 days doesn't want her back because she never got a job while living with him. He was tired of footing her expensive tastes, and wondering what she was doing when she wasn't with him. He was right to be suspicious.

    I allowed N* to move back home before either of us knew she was pregnant. She had mono in early September (the week she got pregnant) and continued to feel awful. I noticed she stopped putting tampons in the trash after three weeks. At 5'3" and 105 lbs soaking wet, it was easy to spot when she started to put on weight. I waited. She told me at the end of October that she thought she might be pregnant, and didn't know who the father was - there could be three. I had her contact a crisis pregnancy center and arrange to see someone for a free pregnancy test and sonogram. The sonogram confirmed she was nine weeks along, and I thought that might actually narrow the list of PSDs, but no, she went from 3 to 4. Ugh.

    Since she's 18, she's still covered on my insurance, so I had her contact the OB/GYN and make an appointment. She was told after her first doctor visit that she had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI), and was given an Rx for an antibiotic - 21 pills for 3 times a day for a week. At the end of three weeks, there were 9 pills left in the bottle. She said they made her sick.

    In early December, she called me at work complaining that her back hurt. I told her to take a warm shower and some Tylenol. She's pregnant - her back is going to hurt. Two hours later, she called me hysterically crying from the pain, and described what might have been appendicitis. I told her to call 911 (remember, no car to drive herself to hospital) and I left my office to go to the hospital. She called one of the PSDs who is in EMT training first. After arriving at the ER, they did a sonogram, blood and urine tests. They gave her 20 mg of morphine in 4 mg doses over six hours. Then told her she could not have any more. The pain was still awful, and a nurse, bless her heart, told her that labor would not be a cake walk. Turns out the Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) turned into a full blown kidney infection, and they kept her in the hospital for 36 hours hooked up to an IV with antibiotics and morphine.

    At the next doctor appointment, her OB/GYN put her on an Rx for antibiotics for the duration of her pregnancy. After 30 days, there are still 11 pills left in the bottle.

    She says she's keeping the baby, she says she's giving the baby up. I told her if she keeps the baby, she moves out. Parents raise their children and provide a home for them. My plans for the next 18 years do not include raising any more children, and certainly not with this girl. She re-enrolled in Delinquent Day Care High School this semester to get some of the "free stuff", and has gone only one day. Two nights ago when she got mad at me for not engaging in an argument with her about the EMT PSD, she attempted to hit me when I tried to close my bedroom door in front of her. She hit the door instead.

    Today, she called me at work again because she doesn't feel good. She was up til 4:30 a.m. talking to someone on the phone. I told her to call the doctor herself - she was 18 and I was at work.

    I've got to get back to work, so I'll post more later. I so understand you're frustration, anger and disgust with your child. I can barely look at mine. I do not blame the baby for the situation. That rests entirely with N* and one of the non-condom wearing PSDs. I'm praying for an adoption.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm sorry that you are having to deal with an adult/child who is not responsible enough to care for herself, but believes she can raise a child. I hope you are willing to stand by your word and not give in if she decides to keep the child. And if she does, understand you may eventually have to call DSS because if she won't take the medications she needs to keep herself healthy while carrying the child, she certainly won't be willing to do what is necessary to take care of the child. Hugs---I know it is disappointing to have to watch her make all the wrong choices.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahh it all sounds familiar. My Youngest had a very rough pregnancy ... she ended up with chronic kidney stones and was hospitalized several times. She would complain to me constantly about this and that ... and yes, skipped medications, too.

    Hang in there.
  4. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    N* grew up without a father. Her mother, my sister - who is also a difficult child, was attracted to scum - and the scummier - the better. I think she loved the look on our faces when she'd bring a scumbag home.

    N*'s father was no different. He had three older children - whose mother was smart enough to get out after baby #3 and move to a different state, and raised them with child support that his mother sent on his behalf. In fact, he moved back in with mommy after his divorce, and never left. He sometimes worked at his family's business, but mostly sponged off mommy, who continued to support him until he died two years ago at 51. Lung cancer, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), emphysema, and cirrhosis of the liver. Basically, he drugged, drank, and smoked himself to death. He saw N* three or four times before N* came to live with me at 7. I refused to allow him near her - no child support (his mommy didn't like my sister), drunk or stoned most of the time, and his last girlfriend was found dead, naked in a city park with 21 stab wounds. He was a suspect, but nothing came of it. Murder remains unsolved.

    I never got married - no time, working, caring for my sister's children (her older son - different father - the boy went to live with him when N* came to live with me after the last baby died) So - no father in my home, either. What I did not do, however, was introduce her to a long string of revolving door boyfriends that her mother did, so I chose not to date while N* was with me.

    That doesn't mean we didn't talk about boys, men, etc. We discussed that we both knew we suffered without having an everyday dad who loved and cared for us while growing up.(My mom married a loser too, and didn't wise up until there were 5 of us.) I told her though that while she had a rough start, it didn't mean she couldn't have a bright future. She'd have to work harder than the next person perhaps, yet it could be done. I've worked my backside off - sometimes at three jobs to pay the bills, and keep a roof over my head, food in my house, and finally having a reliable car.

    I began early with sex education, put her on birth control at 16 (after the first pregnancy scare), and told her that if she became pregnant before she was in a commited lifelong relationship, and kept the baby, she could then never again complain to me about what her mother did to her children. I do not have other children "of my own" - (I hate that phrase), and while I raised her without a father, I rescued her from a nightmare. She has a wonderful grandfather - my mother remarried - and finally got it right. She has an older brother, uncles, neighbors, teachers, youth ministers who have poured countless hours into her. Her mother was on welfare - which N* hated. She was one of a few kids in her school on the free lunch program. If she keeps the baby, she will be on welfare.

    That's why I identify so much with the rage Meowbunny feels. I took this child out of bad environment, role modeled to her what was possible - with HARD WORK, and in turn, have had her say to me - the heck with you lady! (I had to clean up the real language for the moderators).

    If she keeps the baby, will she live with me? No. Will I occasionally babysit? Yes - when it is convenient for me. Will I occasionally help with an expense? Yes - after she submits a written budget to me showing me where the money she receives goes. I work for a bank. Lenders get to look at this stuff. Will I continue to love her and the baby? Yes. Do I want her to seriously consider an open adoption? With all my heart, yes. She's spoken with a social worker and some people from the crisis pregnancy center about adoption information. Will I be there when the baby is born? Yes, as long as every PSD is nowhere near the hospital. If one arrives, I will leave and await the news elsewhere. Am I tired of all the drama and chaos, and want a little peace and quiet? You betcha!
  5. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member


    I'm amazed at your personal growth. From the history you have shared, I can see that you've come a long way baby.

    I hope your daughter will allow herself to learn from you.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I have a friend whose adopted daughter just kept having babies that she couldn't take care of. My friend tried so hard to get her to be responsible and help her out but by the time she was 25 she had four children. My friend got custody of the first two and has raised them as her own since they were infants. When the third child came along my friend was going to take him in also but eventually realized that it was just too much and that her daughter was not changing and would keep making babies and not be responsible for them. So my friend just helped out with clothing and food She didn't give money or anything expensive that her daughter could just turn around and sell. Now #4 ihas arrived but the daughter is with the father and they are raising the two children as best they ar able. It isn't an ideal situation for the boys but my friend has managed to stay fairly detached. She loves the kids and has them over for holidays but she has not invested the next twenty years of her life. She is 57 and will be childfree in 15 years. She says it is fun raising the two little girls and having kids in the house but it is also exhausting. Her husband works long hard hours and retirement isn't in the near future for him. Socially it can be difficult raising your grandchildren but fortunately for her there are others anearby who have young children so she isn't always the oldest "mommy" around. For those who are raising grandchildren there are support groups within most communities to help you out. I would look into them if you find yourself becomming overwhelmd or just generally unhappy at times. It is very normal in your situation to have alot of jumbled feelings and these groups provide support, babysitting and other resorces that can help lighten the load. -RM